Happy New Year's Eve, the night for drinking alone and watching sappy movies where everyone ends up living happily ever after (because we do only explore the beginnings of relationships in most movies, not their manifestations after years of togetherness).

It must be interesting to never age. I wonder what Dick Clark sold to Satan for that?

Okay, you know what I realized today? I usually respond to Susan’s stories or rant about something on this blog. I rarely detail what’s up with me. Hmmm. Character-defining behavior? No – that’s not a question, just a comment. It is character defining. I understand that’s an Irish trait – to talk a lot, tell people little about yourself, but get them to tell you everything about themselves. I hear they even play it as a bar game. So beyond the love of potatoes and mischief, the stubbornness, and the name that tells the world “I was raised Irish Catholic, hear my guilt!”, I also represent my heritage in other ways. Hmmm.

I think my New Year’s goal will be to watch Harry and Sally with someone. I’ve never had a stereotypical beginning of the year. New Orleans, a college trip we did, was kind of like that. 6 friends head out for wacky adventures and hijinks on a road trip to New Orleans for New Year’s Eve. Add more sex and more toilet humor, and you would have a teen flick. The part where E stepped on R’s crotch would have made a good moment for the movie (accident, but funny for everyone but R). Boys. Yea, Susan and I were the only girls on that trip.

My plans for the holiday. I’m spending Christmas with G (my G, not susan’s – and they do represent the same name!) We’ll call him Gustavo (ivillage baby name finder. Weird G names.)
This is my first Christmas not being home with my family. I’ve been excited about it all year. It will be somewhat strange to be spending the day with my SO rather than my family. They don’t know, of course, that he’s spending the night with me Christmas Eve, not going home. His daughter is not in the picture, as it’s her holiday to spend with her mom.

I’m not sure how I should feel about spending the holidays with my man rather than my family. I think this is part of the growing up experience, spending your special times with the people of your choosing, rather than your obligation. Hmmm. I’d jump on Susan for asking “how I should be feeling.” There is no should or shouldn’t with feeling. It just is. What I am feeling is conflicted. It will be nice to spend the time with him. It will be weird to have Christmas without my mom. I’ve been consciously staying away from my mother’s traditions – I will not recreate the holidays I grew up with. Things have changed, and so should my traditions, to reflect that. I can do things my way, now.

I think the hardest part of maturity is the confusion.

so, jeff, my metrosexual trainer, gave me an xmas card with a gift in it the other day after our session. he gave me a $10 barnes and nobles giftcard. that was so sweet. and i felt totally retarded because i had forgotten to resolve the gift for him issue i brought up a while ago and hence i hadnt gotten him anything. i felt like a shit and promptly ordered something off the net. i told him i had forgotten to bring his gift and would bring it later...i told him i was bad at getting gifts to people on time and gave a funny example namely most of the gifts i have given kt each year for various occasions! but the ultimate question is, did all his trainees get gifts in their cards or just special trainees? ugh, i hate these situations where you arent sure about people. hes so sorta shy and shit that im afraid i would mortify him if i ever asked him about romancy things between me and him. plus, frankly, i dont feel very cute and girly when im sweating and grunting during my workout...not very conducive to me saying anything in a cute or clever or funny manner and pulling off the cute girl thang. oh well, ill just hang out and keep working my ass off and try to get to know him better and have our relationship as two people grow and then see where that leads. if nothing else id love for him to become a good friend, hes cool like that. i just need to get him to talk more about himself. i know some things but its usually me giving him the latest version of my "miniseries" life. he said it was like a miniseries because he gets pieces of it and cant wait to hear the next episode. thats kinda sweet to say i guess. and ive asked him before if what hes heard about me and my life makes him think im totally nutz or something and he always says no in a very ernest manner. hes amused if nothing else. oh, and he asked me the other day if i had written anything. jeff had asked me once what i would be doing if i wasnt a cop or lawyer and i said i guess id like to be a writer and i told him i had always wanted to do that and hopefully would one day. isnt that soooo sweet that he remembered that. wow, he actually listens and pays attention! lol! so, im waiting for jeff's gift to arrive and then ill try to give it to him in the least awkward way possible...if thats even possible at all, the lack of awkward. and damn, i hope he likes it.

so, scotty. im going to his house on xmas and will meet the family. i finally get to see where he spawned from. i think im meeting his mom and dad and two sisters. his brother is off being a "baby killer" somewhere in the army. i tease him about that, the baby killer thing. so i keep thinking about that whole conversation we had in the parkinglot of the courthouse where i teased him about guys hanging out with girls when they like them and of course guys only asking girls home for xmas when they like them. im sorry, im curious, what can i say?! i was thinking of when i go over to his house on xmas before we go over to his mom's house where the festivities will be of doing or saying something cute or something. how bout this one..."so scotty, are you ever gonna make a move and just kiss me? dont we need to practice and be prepared in case of mistletoe this evening?" see, thats timely, and goofy, and less confrontational than, "scotty, do you LIKE me?" plus its less middle school. maybe i should just write a note that says "check this box if you LIKE me." hes just totally scared to death, which i guess is appropriate considering its me we're talking about! lol! i dont know...im open to suggestions...please, i need suggestions here!

and then theres mike, yes, a new person to the blog. hes the guy who replaced scotty on my shift. we've quickly become good buddies and hangout together and shit like that. we're in the early stages of getting to know each other personally but that takes time. i just dont know what to think about him. hes cute and goofy and totally sweet to me and damn if his eyes arent amazing! the eyes get me every time. we had a funny day today as usual actually, usually, and at one point, as we were walking into chick fil a for lunch, he said something teasing and did that body bump to me. you know, the body bump, the thing people do when theyre being goofy and shit like that...come on, the body bump, you gotta know what i mean! i noticed it especially because its unusual for any of us to touch each other like that when on duty or even off duty actually. its just one of those things, you know. it was cute and probably meant nothing and hes probably just a sweet guy, but i dont know. i dont think i would ever go there, i dont think, but its nice to think someone likes you a little more than other girls. its nice to be wanted i guess. like, he'll message me and ask me where i am during the day so we can hangout. he also wants me to get a cb radio so we can talk to each other. its nice to feel somewhat pursued, or at the very least, liked enough that someone seeks out your company. i think i might suggest we hangout outside of work as buddies. i think hes sorta lonely and i can use some goofy company too. its win/win. well, we shall see.

its funny, i think i just realized something as ive been talking about these guys. i think i finally see myself as being a want-able woman. like, before, i never saw myself as being that big of a commodity on the dating market, but now i think i do. i think my self-esteem has come a long way from years past. i have more days when i think of myself as cute and desireable than not...thats a huge change frankly. its like im finally in the game and not just watching from the bleachers. is this just a function of growing up? i guess ultimately it doesnt matter much how it happened and anyways, its probably a mixture of many things. its cool to have that revelation though...wow, this woman's in the game, baby!

and btw, huge props to kt for her xmas gift, a soviet kgb pocket watch! tres chic! scotty is gonna be on a roll with this one when i tell him about it. ah, the holidays. maybe this year wont be so shitty! we shall see. and maybe, please god, maybe i will actually have someone to kiss all stereotypically hollywood-like on new years...instead of just falling asleep watching when harry met sally AGAIN as every new year. one can hope and we shall see. i need to wash myself clean of 2003 somehow...

I never said there was anything wrong with wanting a boyfriend person. I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting a Relationship. I just don’t think that a Romantic Partner should be what is needed to fill the holes.

You say you have enough friends and buddies, but if you hang out with them, I don’t ever hear about it. If you can make time for guys you hardly know or met online, I’m sure you could find some time to hang out with platonic friends, right? There is a social aspect of humanity that we have discussed – the need to be around other people. And when you’re with a RP or potential RP, there is a different vibe than when you’re just hanging out with people. You can just hang out with RPs or potential RPs, but it isn’t the same. You know it isn’t.

Maybe the place where we are butting heads the most is in the realm of high drama. I don’t enjoy it when my life is like a roller coaster. I did that in high school, and I wasn’t happy. There are moody stages, giddy stages, dark stages, but generally, I like to transition through those and not go from one extreme to another so quickly. In the beginning of a Relationship (or potential), there are always moments of anxiety when you just decide there is no way that he could like you or wonder why you like him, or whatever. Fine and great and good, but statements, facetiously typed or not, like “I haven’t known him long enough to have done anything to piss him off”? Or whatever it was you actually said. Come on. From the guys you’ve blown off, you know it isn’t so much like that. It’s more of a lack of attraction or connection after one or two dates rather than something one of you did or didn’t do.

One of the bigger problems with a telephone relationship is that the person at the other end of the line tends to hear the worst or best of things, with nothing in between. And sometimes not even the best – just the worst. I know you thought my relationship with B was just shit. And from what you knew about it, that’s a good conclusion. But you were having shitty dates with internet weirdos and dweebs when I was having a fantastic time in the first relationship I’ve ever had that was more or less among equals. Incompatible equals, granted, but at least we were in the same circle of the Ven diagram and could talk to one another. So most of that never got across.

Maybe you have some moments of even keel. I haven’t heard them recently. They’ve all been either madly infatuated or crushed because you gave mind, heart, body, and soul to someone you don’t know and who didn’t deserve it or didn’t know what to do with all of that right off the bat. So, likely, there are things that I don’t know about, times when the seas are remotely calm and not glaringly sunny or stormy.

ugh, yes, what you say is true. i do have friends we just dont do stuff. its just that angsty new guy thing. that whole, he hasnt called, what does that mean sort of deal. i remember someone else being angsty when her new man hadnt called...mmmm hmmm...! im just still reeling from the last however many "relationships" that have been bad. i guess you could say im still dragging that piece of luggage around with me and the wheels dont work and the handle/strap just broke! im just very paranoid about the phone thing. jason, the last asshole, never called me back...that drove me nutz. im just overly sensitive and probably in need of some medication and a visit to jeff...no, not my metrosexual trainer, jeff, but my dr phil style shrink, jeff. i just need to calm down and stop being so high-strung. maybe some valium?! lol! but anyways, i am tired of always feeling like the total guy freak-out girl here. i would like to think that what i go through is somewhat normal for most chicks. not everyone has a smooth relationship situation. and btw, i didnt go looking for g, he just found me. and i dont think its fair to bring up this point about me only going out with romantic potential people. isnt that what DATING is? isnt that what i am doing, DATING? and i do do social things sometimes with platonic friends, its just we have crazy cop schedules that make scheduling tough. ive been extending my life to other things, i now workout twice a week, thats something new. but just because my non-work portion of life isnt as full as martha stewart's doesnt mean that there is something wrong. yes, sometimes i get all angsty and manic and i bounce off the walls. if anything thats a chemical imbalance and not some deeper pyschological problem. im a very moody person, ive always been that way, so sometimes i get darkly moody and sometimes i get crazily moody. i swear, i so must be bi-polar...but i digress. i dont think im really all that unhappy frankly and i dont think im missing all that much from my life. yes, life and work and everything can be hectic and annoying and i can gripe about it in melodramatic fashion, but that doesnt mean im unhappy. and yes, i am missing something in my life, and yes it is a romantic partner. shit, i have enough friends and buddies and people like that...thats the frustration ive had with dating, i dont want more FRIENDS, i would like a romantic relationship. and i dont think that wanting to have that portion of your life filled makes me somehow lacking something or trying to fill some deeply psychological gap or something else freudian or something. there is nothing wrong with wanting a romantic partner...it does not make me unhappy or a freak or fucked in the head...it makes me NORMAL! its just like i cant win...i can gripe about not having a boyfriend and i get told to try dating, try meeting new people, yet when i do that it suddenly becomes some deep psychological search for my missing father figure or some search for me to fill this alleged aching void in me. im a normal person who is somewhat well-adjusted i would say, although yes i do have my sticking points that are remnants of past fucked up relationships, but that is normal.

i think here me and kt are butting heads because we have vastly different outlooks on romance and different ways of dealing with it. kt thinks that somehow giving up a portion of yourself to a romantic partner is wrong or unfair to herself or inappropriate from a feminists standpoint or something. i have always been much more deeply romantic than that and i believe that a romantic relationship, a real and meaningful one, means giving yourself to another person yet also receiving that other person and what they give to you. its supposed to be a sharing, a bonding, a melding that is ideally an equal sharing. i feel no shame or less self-worth or whatever because i want to have a romantic relationship. i dont think those feelings and desires for that are in any way fucked up or whatever, i think they are normal. i am an amazing person who has so much to share with a person in a romantic relationship, i would just like to be given the chance to do that and to receive all that another person would give me. romance and those relationships are amazing and beautiful things and of course they make you feel incredible. who wouldnt want that in their life?! so, yes, my name is susan and im a romance junkie...i would like to have a boyfriend type person in my life. so sue me...im normal. sometimes you have to bet big to win big and im all about extremes. so far ive lost, but who knows whats to come. thats what makes me amazing and beautiful, my capacity to get beaten down by love and assholes yet to hop back up again and give it another go. i think thats an admirable quality myself...enduring hope. so, i will eventually get through this whole new relationship tango thats going on, this awkward period of adjustment, and something will come of it or not, who knows. what i do know is that i like g. hes funny and outrageous and uncensored and snuggly and cute and sexy. i know that i havent fucked him yet despite kinda wanting to. i know that ive been much more restrained with him that previously with other people. i would like to hope im making adjustments to areas in romance where ive made mistakes. like oprah said, once you know better, you do better. im trying, but yeah, i have my moments too. im only human.

but yes, g called me finally. hes got the flu and had been sleeping all day. paranoia subsiding for right now. once bitten, twice shy...but im working on it. i wouldve figured kt would endorse a more cautious approach...but yeah, i may be trying to be cautious but i still get paranoid and wound up...thats just me. im working on dropping off that dilapidated piece of relationship luggage, im just stuck in the security line! so, anyways, i went over to his place and we watched movies. he made me pasta and then we went to bed. just sleeping, nothing else...nice, snuggly sleep. so yeah, we'll see where this train is headed. and yeah, ill try to be more zen. its just that idle hands are the devils playthings...im better when im busy, i know that.

Okay, now this is just my personal philosophy on life, which you’ve heard before, and other people’s philosophy is always meaningless until or unless it clicks with your life and your experience. But here goes anyway:

It is useless to look for a meaningful Relationship unless you are ready to have one. No one is ready to have a Relationship until she has reached a stage of comfortable self-acceptance. Protests aside, you are not happy with your life. You may like your job, but jobs are only a part of life. I don’t know what it is that you are missing; maybe you aren’t missing anything. Maybe you just don’t see what it is that you have. But a relationship with some guy isn’t going to fill the holes. My best guess would be that the lack is in friends, socially. You don’t seem to ever hang out or go out with anyone that you don’t have a romantic/sexual interest in. And no, romantic and sexual are not interchangeable, although at the beginning of those types of relationships, they more or less are the same, mixed feeling. We just never did separate the two and define them independently of one another, as Plato demands for a true debate.

You need to figure out what it is that you need to make yourself happy – something that doesn’t depend on or come from another person. You can’t control other people and what they do and don’t do.

ugh! i am so amped and antsy it aint even funny. and every time i get this way i can never find an outlet. everyone is always gone or whatever so i cant go out with someone and do something or even fucking talk to them on the phone! ugh! i hate it when i get manic like this. ive been waiting for g to fucking call and he hasnt of course. fuck him. im so over this guy being asshole thing. if you say youre gonna fucking call, fucking call already! for fucks sake! i mean, why is it that things seem to go well at first and then quickly just fall apart. he hasnt known me long enough for me to have done or said something stupid yet! you can fuck them and lose or you can refuse to fuck them and lose. you just cant win. and im so tired of being a recreational vehicle, a whenever i want to see/talk to her thing. fuck you, what about me? what about when i wanna talk or see you or whatever? why is it always about him?! what about me? why cant things just be about me for a change?! im sick and tired of being on everyone else's timetable or playing by everyone else's rules. why cant i be in charge for a change?! god damn it motherfuckers! im tired of bending over to everyone! at home, at work, everywhere, its always anal rape! why am i always being anally gang raped?! ugh!

i already know how its gonna end. i mean, shit, this is how it always ends with me isnt it? girl likes guy, guy cant give girl what she wants...its not a new theme with me. jonathan, killed himself over girl he couldnt get over, carter, married and a sex addict, and jason, immature dope smoker party boy...these guys could not give me what i wanted, they just couldnt. is it too much to ask for someone who is dying to talk to me again to see what crazy shit comes out of my mouth or who cant wait to see me again because he wants to gaze into my eyes and feel my soft hair between his fingers? somebody who tries to give me as much as i give him? but somehow i have this penchant for finding those people who just CANT. no, there has been no precipitating incident to spawn this post, it just is how i know things will happen. i will cry again, like i am now, ugh, and will move on again im sure until i cry again and move on again. im really over this shit cycle. its almost like it starts to hurt more somehow every time i stick it out there only to have it chopped off. its like being a boxer who becomes retarded and shit because hes been hit in the head too many times except i dont have a brain injury, i have a heart injury and i dont know if it can be fixed. i just dont know whats wrong with me. im tired of being alone yet im tired of hurting so much being with people. its like i cant win because i can either be alone or i can be alone with somebody. yep, wherever you go, there you are...

This responds to nothing Susan posted. In haiku-esque response: good luck with new guy, kick ninja ass.
I am woman, hear me shriek, howl, rage, cry, and laugh. I am like a 10-speed bike, with many gears and many motions. I resist all efforts to pigeonhole, stereotype, simplify, or otherwise reduce my presence. I remember reading a feminist rant on eating disorders. The author compared anorexia to other “diminishing” behaviors that women have: apologizing when there is no need, conceding that other must be correct, speaking tentatively on subjects in which they are well-versed. She concluded that eating disorders were another way in which women try to shrink themselves, to be less and less important, to take up less space, literally. Interesting thought, I guess.

I don’t know exactly where all of this comes from. I read the transcript of the 9th of December Democratic candidates debate in New Hampshire, and noticed that, when she ran over her time and Ted Koppel cut her off, Carol Mosely-Braun apologized. A few times, repeatedly. NONE of the other candidates ever apologized. We are so socialized as women in being polite, that we tend to forget that we have a right to stand up for ourselves, too. Men never worry about being polite, and they have set up a system in which politeness is seen as a malleable weakness that can be exploited. I am not saying that we, as women, should be rude. I am just saying that being out there, expressing opinions, standing up for beliefs, being firm in our rights, none of these things should qualify us as “rude.” Yes, it is “unlady-like.” Fuck that. I’m no lady. I’m a woman. I do not need to affect social graces and ignorance to get me through life. And I won’t.

Robert Heinlein expressed his philosophy of social graces through the Lazarus Long character: he thought that formalities and politeness were necessary to keep the cogs of society rotating smoothly. Without meaningless exchanges such as:
“How are you?”
“Fine, thanks.”
in which little, if any, information is exchanged, we would grate on each other’s nerves. Very likely. But by schooling one gender in excessive exchanges of politeness in every situation, we have created half a population that can easily be put down without recourse. The inequality makes it unfair, as inequality is wont to do.

When are we going to stop putting ourselves and other women down? There are enough people "out there" doing it for us. No need to assist the opressors.

i tell ya, there aint nothing better than dolly parton doing a version of stairway to heaven! i love dolly! she and her banjo kick ass! i still dont understand why scotty hates dolly, i will never get that, ever.

so, having known this new guy, hmmm, what to call him, what to call him...well i guess first initial works, g, since ive only known g for like a week and will only have known him for like two weeks come xmas, do i get him anything? if so, what? ugh, xmas bullshit really gets ya down sometimes. i need to go to the mall and get a box o cards to mail out to people that will of course get there late, but thats me. ugh, i hate crowds and errands. xmas makes people crazy as shit. and i get to work on xmas, go me. itll be nice in a weird way though considering i will be with my buddies at work who really are kind of like my family. so really, ill be spending xmas with my real family. its funny, im growing closer to the new member of our family who replaced scotty on our shift, mike. he sorta got kicked off the motorcycle squad for some questionable personal choices from what i understand, and now hes down here with us. at first he was very quiet and reserved and to himself, but now he jacks me around a bunch and we always eat together and stuff. he was so sweet yesterday at work. ive been sick and coughing up a lung and shit and he made me eat some of his throat sucker thingies. he also made me stay in my patrolcar while he handled some of my outside calls for me. isnt that so sweet! i love him to death! i should get him something for xmas, but what?! ugh! see i hate xmas! but mike is a great guy and damn if he dont have amazing blue eyes! lol! its always the eyes! ugh!

ah, but more good news, i got a big girl patrolcar yesterday! schweet! its an impala and has the cool paint job and cool lightbar on it! now i have to go and organize it because the trunk is smaller than my old lumina trunk and so my boxes of stuff dont really fit. i need to just do some spring cleaning because half the shit i have in the car i dont use. i need to pare things down some. i just need to stop and reorganize and clean my life...and my apt! i have cat vomit everywhere! ugh!

i also need to type up the playlists for kts newly burned cds that i also need to mail off to her one of these days! ugh! so many things to do and so little motivation! ugh! speaking of, i should go do that now. its not like i have any significant things to discuss right now. its too early to think deeply anyways. plus i have my personal trainer appointment early today, around noon. should be fun. i think im starting to see a slight difference in my body. i have certainly noticed some things feel harder and tighter than before, thats a good thing. eh, im still an assload away from being the total ninja, but thats ok. everything in due time.

oh, oh, oh do i have news! i am dying laughing! i freaked out when i heard this! ok, scotty was out today buying my xmas gift when he ran into...guess...no, really, guess...yep, major sexy himself, carter! oh my god!!! carter approached scotty and started chatting briefly and of course scott asks him the usual stuff like whatre you doing these days, etc. guess where carter is working these days...guess...no, really, guess...yep, he's the head of security for a mental institution! yes, a MENTAL INSTITUTION!!! oh for fucks sake thats funny as shit!!! i just about fucking died!!! and of course scotty was like, "and the weird thing was i was shopping for YOUR present!" see, scotty, thats how bizarre my life always is!!! lol! lmfao!!! ah, just desserts?! lol!

speaking of scotty, i think i got an admission by silence from him. i ran into him at court today as we both had cases. we ended up hanging out at the courthouse and chatting and ended up talking about the guys i see and stuff like that. turns out this one dude at work, the medical examiner of all people, seems to have taken an interest in me. thats another story for another time right now. anyways, so we got to talking about how guys dont generally hang out with chicks unless they like them. and i made a goofy comment like, yeah and they dont invite them over for xmas either unless they like them! well, scotty got sorta quiet and looked to the ground and said, well, yeah. he also said, yeah i generally dont hang out with women unless i like them. he didnt refute my goofy statement. he didnt say, well, me and you are just friends. he got really nervous and weird. dude, thats so an admission! anyways, i gotta go to meet my metrosexual personal trainer...bitch out!

ugh, i think im getting the killer flu. this sucks, i rarely get sick! dammit! ugh!

you know, its funny how mood swings work. you swing low sweet chariot and then you swing right back up again. the day after i finally offloaded jason i felt great! he sent a response email to me which basically said thanks for the xmas gift, i will think of you when i watch them (beatles dvds), goodbye. yeah, that was a big fuck you i thought! which only made it easier to remember why he was such a bad idea! lol! ah, i laugh at my folly! i washed that man right outta my hair! lol!

and its odd how things just tend to sneak up on you sometimes when you arent looking. i was sitting downloading music and emailing and shit and i get messaged by some dude who says he knows me from another police dept. well, turns out it was mistaken identity but we started chatting and found out we were birds of a feather...hes a male susan to some extent. i never knew they existed, boy susans! lol! so we ended up talking on the phone the same night and just laughed like loonies. and of course, i ended up going over to his place for a "date" i suppose you could say last night. he cooked, very well!, and we watched some movies. he had never seen the big lebowsky but now knows why i think its one of the bext movies ever! of course we eventually slyly moved onto the same couch and ended up sorta snuggling. it was nice, it wasnt like a pre-sex sorta thing like it was with jason, it was just comfy. and then we finished our last movie, it was hell and gone late as shit, and he invited me to stay over. he gave me some shorts and a shirt to wear and we just laid in his fabuliciously snuggy and stylish bed and chatted...and snuggled some. there was no groping, no pre-sex crap, and actually, no kissing. it just never got to that point. that was sorta confusing but frankly cool. its like he respected me or something...gasp! im not sure how much he respected me when he told me i had an amazing ass!...lol...a goofy thing from a previous conversation...but it was all just cool and relaxed. and he was serious about my amazing ass. i never pondered my ass in those terms before, but it was flattering. could my ass in fact be amazing?! who knew?! lol! AND, not only do we grok each other like that, but he is CUTE! i do have a pic which i may send to kt in which he and his drug k9, tax, yes, the dog's name is tax!...lol!...are hanging out on duty.

BUT as with all susan situations, theres a hitch...lol, oh yeah a total hitch. lol! im gonna get totally ass reamed by kt for this i know it! this guy, who shall remain nameless so far, was in local law enforcement, but isnt anymore. im being vague on purpose. it segues to a new question to ponder...we've asked if we could love a man with no legs...we've asked if we could love a man with a toupee...BUT could we love a man who has been accused of a crime? not like a sex crime or a crime against a person where somebody got physically hurt, but a serious crime nonetheless... yep, thats the hitch and what a hilarious hitch that is. its not funny really but it is because its me and just how my life always goes! oh i can hear many a debate stirring already from this. ink up the susan is a poor chooser of romantic interests stamp right now because i know im gonna be hit with it eventually! lol! alright, so thats the deal, vaguely. discuss amongst yourselves. ugh! lol!

All credit to Tori Amos

1,000 Oceans (a thousand oceans)
these tears i've cried.
i've cried 1000 oceans
and if it seems i'm.
floating. in the darkness

well, i can't believe
that i would keep.
keep you from flying.
and i would cry 1000 more
if that's what it takes
to sail you home
sail you home.
sail you home.

"oh darling make it go away, just make it go away now..." -kate bush, "this woman's work"

so, i just emailed jason and just laid it out on the line for him. "it hurts too much to be with someone who isnt sure they wanna be with you." yep, an actual excerpt from the email. i deserve and want more than that. so, once again, i shall cry and then dust myself off to start again. i just had to say stop, let me off this bullshit rollercoaster. im not gonna settle, i never have, and its not gonna start now. grey areas may be good in life in general, but i think they suck in romance! he said he wasnt ready to commit. he cant even commmit to dating me in the traditional 'leave it to beaver' sense for christ's sake! im sorry, that just doesnt work for me. i wasnt even given a chance and that pisses me off. so go figure yourself out boy, go grow up and become a man because a woman needs a man, not a boy. and may the gods strike you with the knowledge of how spectacular i am and how foolish you were for squandering that. and may you cry a thousand tears of regret at that revelation...

Isn’t it fantastic how the holidays bring out the best in everyone?

You aren’t alone. No more so than anyone else, and I agree with Andrew that some people just hide it by immersing themselves in facades, covers for the problems that we all have. You just don’t have a scab.

Do you remember the conversation we had the other day? The one in which you pointed out that being a cold-hearted bitch is hurting me more than it hurts the people I shut out? See? There is the opposite extreme of your situation. I expect people to screw me over, to disappoint me, and to be human, more or less. Never seems human when it happens – it seems like the assholes are out to get you, but really, I think it’s just humanity. We aren’t perfect – so far from it, and we screw up and hurt each other, a lot. And to keep myself from that kind of deception and disappointment, I tend to shy away from intimacy in the emotional, true sense. Sex is one thing. I think that caring about and respecting the person you are fucking are necessary for it to be any good or worth the harassment and hassle and potential disaster. (This is not to say it isn’t a whole lot of fun, just that there are some down sides and it IS overrated.) Being open emotionally and spiritually, honest to the core about who you are, what you believe, what you have been through, and what it means to you, is something I’ve yet to manage. Yea, I do find guys. And they aren’t assholes. But eventually, you reach a cusp where the relationship must deepen – and I don’t mean falling in love, I mean sustaining the flames and sparks so that it creates something deeper and lasting – and that is the point at which I run away.

Not that we needed to shift the focus from you to me, but I was trying to share the opposite side of the equation. Opposites attract, right? That must be one of those balance things that, if we could figure it out, would make life seamlessly easy. Or so it seems. Grass is greener, etc.

I’ve been rereading Stranger in a Strange Land for about the 100th time. The water rituals, sharing water to grok one another and grow closer, seem pertinent. It isn’t about finding one person with whom all things are possible. That person doesn’t exist. It seems to be about ferreting out the small group of people who compliment you where and who you are at the moment and drawing on their strengths to grow and understand life as it is. Heinlein may have been a misogynist, but I think that is more a product of his time than it is of his true philosophies.

im just so tired of everything. im tired of my non-life, im tired of busting my ass at work for nothing, im tired of putting myself out there every fucking day and getting shat on constantly. im tired of crying. im tired of feeling alone. im tired of "living." ive been alone my entire life ever since i was little and people have always left me and ive accepted that. im a strong person and can do things on my own, im just tired of it. am i just destined to always be alone? are some people just destined for that? yeah, everyone says you cant rush life and you cant go looking for love. ive gone looking, ive just hung out, and neither way seems to bear fruit. i think i just am destined to be alone. kt always seems to find one guy after another. i cant even find one. i think i am destined to be alone. maybe i just need to accept that and stop crying about it. its not like i can change fate anyways. ive always tried to keep an open heart even after its been ripped apart and crapped on and abused and maybe i just need to stop doing that. maybe i just need to become frigid and closed off and uncaring. it hurts too much to be an open person because people will always disappoint you and will always use you if they can. im like an open wound barely covered with all the crap i put out to hide it and people just keep poking it and poking it and they take pleasure in my pain. i always thought i was tougher than this, but i guess i was just fooling myself. im mental, a total basketcase feining sanity, poorly, most of the time. i just wanna be locked up somewhere and drugged for the rest of my life because it hurts too much this way. i just wanna stop hurting and drugs dont help and talking about it doesnt help and i just dont know what else to do. when is it gonna stop? how can i make it stop hurting?!

ah, did some xmas shopping etc. scottys talking george w bush doll came in the mail today. its so gay but he should love it. i bought kt some stuff which is being shipped as we speak. i hope she laughs her ass off and knows i sent it with love. i just mailed off jason's gift. i bought him the beatles anthology 5 dvd box set. yes, i mailed it because i dont know when i will be able to give it to him in person so i figured the postal service would have a better chance of actually getting it to him than i would. yes, i know, thats sad. i hope he likes it. somehow i doubt he will get me anything. yes, i know, tis better to give than receive, HOWEVER, it feels weird to give a person something and have them not get you anything. OR for them to get you something of a different caliber or something. i always overgive because i dont want to be embarassed by a lesser caliber gift situation and because i typically only buy gifts for people i care about which means im gonna spend some dough anyways because theyre people i care about. the gift id actually like from jason is him with a big bow wrapped around him and him saying ok im gonna stop being a fucker and we're gonna give this relationship a go at it. yes, i know, always reaching for the clouds arent i? ive always been a bit of a dreamer. anyways, so ive been pondering getting jeff, my metrosexual trainer, a gift. i was gonna send a card but i found something small online which is hilarious and i think he would find amusing. i would go into more detail but kt's gift is from the same place and i dont wanna spoil it. its nothing expensive and its just goofy, but of course i wonder if it would be weird or inappropriate or something to get him a gift and not just a card. then again how much more inappropriate could it be to wanna date him or to think to myself while im working out that damn his crotch is practically in my face i wonder if he ever thinks about that! lol! one of these days im gonna ask him if he realizes that. im sure hed turn red! lol! how cute.

damn, you know, id really like to not be alone on new years eve. ill probably be watching when harry met sally like every other year. ugh...

and im not gonna call or email jason anymore until he contacts me. his gift should arrive tomorrow or the next day. im not gonna lose my head here. fuck him, im not gonna get all wrapped up. fucker!

you know, jeff, my metrosexual trainer, keeps making statements about how much we're alike. ill make a comment like i get very bitchy if i dont eat and he'll say, wow another person just like me. its cute. does that mean anything? probably not. ugh! but i did have a great training day yesterday unlike last week. he said he was glad i was back and like did this hand grabby dude thing a couple of times. maybe he just wants to hold my hand? like i said above, always a dreamer! lol! im still working on a scheme to ask him out. of course theres the rub. if i dont try i will never know if hes the one or whatever and if i do try that may make our training situation awkward for a while while i recover from the debilitating embarassment of asking my trainer out and being dissed. lol! ugh, nothing is ever easy! then again, even if it was, its me we're talking about which means i will make it as hard as possible. and anyways, i probably will never get the balls to actually ask him out. or i may just be impulsive and do it. ugh!

i hate the holidays because they underscore a person's complete loneliness! youre forced to feel like you should be with family or loved ones or something. shit, i wanna do that despite the fact that i bitch and moan about how i dont. shit, i think i actually want a family. thats scary. no, thats fucked up. i wanna nest and settle down. im ready for that or at least i think i am. ugh! how fucked up! damn xmas. and damn me. ugh! we shall never speak of such things again. dammit! i need to wash my mouth out with soap! lava soap. ugh!

First things first, the internet is FUCKING WONDERFUL. I finished my Christmas/holiday shopping while listening to Grey Eye Glances and Jim Croce in my blue and green hippopotamus slippers. Woo-hoo! And I definitely found stuff that doesn't exist in the limited world of Bismarck shopping. It was kind of interesting to sit on each person's personality and likes and decide what I wanted to get each of them for the holidays, and then search for it. I do wish the computer wasn't so slow, though. That would have made things easier. I have three more gifts to buy, two birthday and one Christmas, but I'm waiting for my mother to ask my brother what CD or DVD he wants, since that's what I always get him. I found cool shit online. I love the WWW!

I get your point about Taoism, flowing with the path, and letting things be. There's no point in fighting: Resistance is Futile. It's true. I just think that people acting like assholes isn't right. Accepting people as they are is one thing, accepting shitty treatment, intended or not, isn't right. But then we have to fight against the societally-ingrained woman thing, which is to insist that we're okay and we can deal with it. True. We can. But we shouldn't have to. We all have to learn to speak up for ourselves and what is right. And to ask for what we need. No one can read our minds -- we have to ask for the things we need in life, and we should expect to get them. We deserve to be treated well and fairly, and we deserve to enjoy life. So that's my brief two cents on the issues at hand.

yep, relationships are weird. that is one thing i keep re-realizing over and over. sometimes i feel like its not even fair to discuss them because there is so much that occurs between people that cant really be expressed in words. i do understand that feeling of wanting more or feeling that there should be more or something. and yes i totally understand the live band/cd analogy. very good example too. and im gonna talk about jason now so please dont vomit or be angry with me. im only human. but yes, i feel that way about jason. the long distance/telephone/email thing with him sucks but when we are together we are great. i went to see his play last night. it was basically about religion and faith and stuff which really isnt my cup of tea per se being an atheist and all, but the performances were good. jason was really good. you know how some people say they are poets or artists or actors and when you finally see their work youre like, what a hack. well, jason was actually really good. he really is an actor. of course i cant judge his range from just one performance, but i would say hes probably fairly flexible. needless to say i was really impressed and proud almost. so anyways, we ended up talking in the parking lot and i ended up crying just because ive been crying at the drop of a hat lately. he knows ive been getting tests and stuff and he was actually legitmately concerned about me. so when i started crying he just held me and said it was gonna be ok and that was really really nice. thats really all i wanted right then and there was somebody to care about me and hold me. he told me he would be there for me. we ended up sort of talking about our relationship if thats what you wanna call it and he was typical jason, very loose. i struggle to define so many things that maybe dont need defining and he just goes with it. he acknowledged the fact that i like him and he said he was fond of me. he said he liked having me in his life and that he would be there for me and that he would never string me along. he said he wasnt at a place where he could define anything because he doesnt know me well enough yet to really do that. he apologized for if he ever hurt me but said he never means to do it, its just that hes irresponsible. at least he acknowledged that! lol! so i ended up staying over at his place because he didnt want me to be alone. crying really gets guys all wound up apparently! it was nice. we just snuggled and snogged but thats it. we sort of talked about sex some and my orgasm issue and he was so sweet. he told me that sex wasnt the be all and end all of things and that it didnt matter to him if we had sex or not. he told me i worry too much about the small stuff...its all small stuff. lol! but the thing that was cool was that i saw a little bit through that jason exterior. he really was sweet and caring and sincere and when he hugged me and held me it was very loving and gentle. it telegraphed true emotion, genuine emotion. i think the timing for him just is off and frankly i think hes scared. im not sure why hes scared but im pretty sure thats part of it. so, things just are. i dont expect anything from him and i certainly will keep my heart open to other guys as i have been, but of course theres that small jason place thats there if hes ever ready, which of course may never be.

but this leads me back to what kt was saying...it makes me wonder about how we define things. i mean, we have friends and significant others or boyfriends or whatever you wanna call them. but things cant always be put in one box or another. i feel that way a little bit with scotty. hes my work colleague, hes my buddy, hes one of my best friends, but hes also more than that too somehow. ive been driving my self nutz trying to figure out exactly how more and what category that goes into...friend or romantic interest?... but i dont know if its really definable. and even if it is quantifiably definable, why should i necessarily define it? i mean, why worry about labels per se? why dont we just flow with the relationship and sorta feel out boundaries and places that are ok and stuff like that? i mean, what makes a boyfriend different from a boy friend (and i mean close buddy boy friend btw)? intimacy? well, emotionally shouldnt there be intimacy in both situations? physical intimacy? there can be non-sexual physical intimacy in both situations. so it is purely sex? and why does sex make it different? and say you have sex with a boy friend but not to the point that its a sex buddy situation...what is that? btw, when i asked jason if we were just fuck buddies he said if that was so we'd be having much more sex than we do! lol! he was very funny about it. i think fuck buddy is a matter of quantity. but i digress. so the thing is that there are degrees of relationships for which there arent always names or labels. yes, scotty is my best guy buddy and i legitimately love him and would like to be more physically intimate in a non-sexual way but what possible label could i give me and him?! there really isnt one that really covers what we are or explains the nuances. and me and jason, well, we arent boy/girlfriends and we arent fuck buddies and we arent just friends and we arent best friends or buddys. maybe sometimes we just ARE. me and scotty are me and scotty and me and jason are me and jason. thats just how it is. maybe thats what jason meant when he talked about labels and defining things. i just need to learn to accept people as they are. if i choose to have them in my life for better or worse, i just need to accept them as they are and accept us as we are however our relationship may be. sure, that doesnt necessarily mean that accepting people means accepting when theyre jerks...i could hear kt thinking that...but people dont always mean to be hurtful either. when it comes to jason, i dont think he realizes when he hurts me. yes, he needs to get with it a little more, i agree with that, but hes gotta grow into that, i cant force it. i can however communicate with him when i think hes being a jerk. i have a hard time grokking him and he has a hard time grokking me. but thats just how we are. its a difficult balancing act for me with him and yes sometimes i fall off the rope onto the pavement, but im learning, one little bit at a time. as my stylist claire/kelly always says, theres a lesson in there somewhere! and frankly, theres something, whether other people understand it or not, theres something in jason thats of value, thats worth the struggle to understand him. afterall, look at diamonds, you go through a helluva time mining them and then cutting away the crap and cutting them just right to make them shiny and amazing. and before you can even get a diamond you need an assload of time, but somehow despite the immense effort, or maybe, just maybe because of the effort, they are valuable and amazing.

of course, my gut could be wrong. wouldnt be the first time of course. but then again, its all about faith sometimes. faith in the goodness of people, faith in yourself. funny enough, the play last night was about faith and "things unseen" as was the play's title. ultimately faith is based on things unseen not on visual "miracles" or other signs, but things unseen...its just a gut feeling...a knowledge inside that you just know is right. sure, you could be right or wrong with that gut feeling and you wont ever know until the end of the line, but is that really the important part of faith, being right? or is just having faith the reward enough? or having the courage to have faith maybe and seeing where that faith takes you good or bad...? sometimes in life you just gotta pull an indiana jones and take a step over the precipice. isnt that what makes life so rich and amazing...and fun as fuck?! and if i am wrong about jason or anybody else i let into my heart in the future and i do end up face down on the pavement, ill wallow a while and then get up, dust myself off, and start the journey again...like ive done time and time again...thats just the miracle of me.

Okay, I'm having an amazingly weird week. I am at that pathetic stage of my current relationship where I know he wants me, but I keep thinking that maybe he doesn't actually like me. You know, where you get annoyed at yourself for your regular quirks, and decide that you are totally unlovable and worthless? Okay, maybe that's just me. But I will be spending very little time with the current s.o. for the next few weeks. We're both otherwise occupied, and his daughter is spending the holidays with his ex-wife, so I do want to leave them enough time to spend together. ARGH.

I had the weirdest day yesterday. Back a few months after I started at my current job, beginning of spring or so, there was a guy at work who hit on me. Hit on me sounds so much like "I was at a bar, and..." but really he expressed interest. I find him a very interesting person, but not in that way. There are certain people (remember balin?) that I tend to hit it off with: I can talk to them and have great conversations, but while my loins remain as cool as they do when getting the oil in my car changed, they get all hot and bothered. Talking to someone does not imply that she is interested in you. Regardless, I told him as much, and he persisted with the slightly over-the-line compliments, and things cooled off for a while. So yesterday, and for the past week or so, I've been chatting with him again. It's been good -- we can still talk. I like that, and he knows I'm seeing someone, so I don't get why it should be a problem, but I still feel a little guilty. And then I talk to the current s.o., and things are good, but there's something that just doesn't come across the phone 90% of the time. It's like the Mighty Blue Kings or 7 Ft. Politic, two bands that are AWESOME live, in person, and on stage, but really just okay on CD. People are like that, too. After a while, you learn to have a phone relationship with someone, but it takes a while. I think it's frankly weird to see someone you have had mainly a phone relationship with. It just feels different. But the conversation was okay, just not FANTASTIC, which is what I want. And then I talked for a long time to the ex. Just like friends -- what's going on in your life? Hey, remember that time when we did this thing involving buildings? Yeah, I used what I learned there the other day at work. My history with him if very involved in our work together, and what we both currently do -- me at a job that I love, him at one he almost hates. Very weird.

I am glad to hear that your medical problems aren't serious enough to show up on the gooey stick test, but I do understand the "mysterious ailment" syndrome. For many years, I would periodically get weird sicknesses. I've suffered several months of morning sickness at two times in my life -- both several years before I became sexually active! And basically was asked repeatedly if I could be pregnant. And other mysterious things, not as bad as the fatigue and nausea you've described, but what good are doctors if they can't fix you? Maybe the problem is in expecting to be fixed? I don't know, to be honest, but it sucks.

yes, true true. im gonna go to his play and see how much of an acting hack he is. after that itll probably be easy to write him off again. hes just one of those guys that gets stuck in me a little. at least i recognize that. and im not gonna fuck him. not worth the effort. and i dont feel like teaching him how to do it either...im just too tired. so yeah, flush flush...

well apparently all of the organs on the right side of my body are fine. i guess thats where the gallbladder is so they just look at all the stuff shoved in that area too. it was weird to see my insides on a tv screen. it was odd because i could almost imagine what it would be like to be getting an ultrasound if i was preggers. an odd mix of thoughts and feelings at the time. so whats gonna happen is my bloodwork will come back fine as usual so basically that means there isnt anything medically perceivably wrong with me which means that i have some vague funnily-named victorian-era type "woman's" disorder! lol! the vapors? hmmm... perhaps its just loser-itus. just re-read kt's post...definantly loser-itus! ugh! someone just shoot me now please! calgon take me away!

Wasn’t there an epiphany a few weeks back (maybe a month or so) when you realized:
a) Jason wasn’t a friend whom you fucked – he was a fucker
b) you don’t treat friends that way, whether you fuck them or not
c) you don’t get off on getting fucked, which implies a lack of emotional connection, so it wasn’t worth it
and
d) why waste your time on a fucker?

Just wondering. Life is always 2 steps forward, 4 steps back. But the blog recorded part of that ephiphany, so I would suggest, as an historian, that you read the history you are doomed to repeat. As we discussed, I cannot imagine looking up into the face of someone who is inside of you and seeing nothing. I don’t think I could do that. It doesn’t need to be love or lifetime committment, but caring and respect are kind of a necessity.

well, ive been feeling yucky lately with the fatigue and nausea so i went to the drs today. got blood drawn of course although this time the chick only had to stick me once. turns out she used to work for the red cross and for a cancer doctor so shes used to difficult veins. i also got a pocahontas bandaid...wow. so im also scheduled for an ultrasound of both my gallbladder (huh?!) and my thyroid. guess i better shave huh? i dont know where either one of these things is for fucks sake or what they do! well, ive never had these things done before so maybe they will finally figure out why im so lame and fragile sometimes. should be tons of fucking fun. i also found out i have lost about 15 pounds since this summer. havent even been trying until the last few weeks when i started working out. hmmm, go fig. the lazy susan diet? so, i guess i shall have tons of interesting things to tell jeff on friday when i see him next.

im also getting my haircut today. just getting the back cut shorter than its quasi-mullet length now and getting the rest just generally shaped into that cute and sassy bob that is my trademark. ah, how nancy drew of me! so, hopefully my spirits will improve with a nice hairdo change, sort of. hairdresser on fire, ooooooh, oooooh.....

btw, not that this is news, but the joker still wont tell me what "the deal" is. i shall ask kelly/claire, my stylist, her opinion. i know what she'll say, just lose that joker. yeah, probably sage advice...

im cold...

ugh.

yep, somehow people in my life keep coming back...its like pet cemetery, you bury them and they keep coming back all gross and undead and shit. guess who emailed and called me today? uh huh, the smoker, the joker, the midnight toker...to paraphrase steve miller...jason. he said he lost my number when his phone died and thus he lost everyones number. he said he tore his apt up looking for it because he missed the susan. hmmm...go fig. i just dont get him...at all. what, is he horny? is he lonely? does he really miss the susan or just susan's red hot sexxxy crotch? i know what kt will say, the latter not the former. and its funny that he came back around recently because i was just pondering whether or not to go to his play thingy that is starting thursday. funny enough i think i had decided not to go, now i may change my mind. yes, i know, i suck. hes a weak spot, i know this, and i try to keep a level head when he pops back around. so why am i downloading sex songs from enigma? and you know what i just realized about enigma, its got deep bass in it that just resonates with your crotch. i bet you could get off literally on it if you had big speakers and you sat on them thinking of naughty things. of course youd want to put a towel down or something...typical susan, thinking about cleanliness and organization even during sex! but really, i would highly recommend that if youre gonna do music during sex, you try enigma. maybe ill add that to the burned cd list im making for kt. the special kt and werms sex cd mix. ah, when they fuck they can think of me! lol!

so, yes, jason is back around. me being the curious kitty i am, i am gonna see what he really wants. yes, i know, its probably sex. that whole sexxxy garter outfit i wore last time really mustve made an impact. garters, stockings, and leather fuck me boots always work. i may not know how to get a boyfriend, but i do know how to fuck a guy. go me? and anyways, cant zebras ever change their stripes? as long as i dont expect anything i should be fine. ive pretty much been dealing with him as if i was a friend and nothing more...ok, a friend he fucks, but a friend nonetheless. and maybe if i can finally get some time to teach him how to play the instrument that is susan, then maybe this can be a win/win situation here. i just need to get the balls up to tell him what i need. i can tell kt is rolling her eyes and getting pissed at me as i speak. but i have this retort, "its my life to ruin my own way!" gotta love the moz. so yeah we shall see what drama or not comes from this re-emergence of the joker.

speaking of boys, i saw my metrosexual trainer, jeff, yesterday and pretty much had a physical meltdown. i had another one of my exhaustion days that i get every once in a while. i just couldnt do anything, literally. he was getting very worried about me. ive made a dr's apt to see if anything is wrong. itll be the usual, no leukemia, no nothing physically wrong with me and i will be annoyed and frustrated and will have to tell jeff that that just happens sometimes. ive taken three extra days off this week to try and just sleep and hang out and rest and everything. im not sure what does this to me, stress, malnutrition, bad mojo? its probably all the above, but im trying. its really sweet though that jeff cares so much. that just shows how decent of a person he is. and yes, i really want to fuck him. i havent had the guts to mention that modification to my training plan! ok, maybe i dont really want to "fuck" him per se, i really just want him to hold me. that sounds so lame and shit but its true. and funny enough, during my end of workout stretching/massage-y time, we did a new stretch where i lean back against his chest. oh, it was nice! but alas, "you cant always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need." but that raises the question, what do i need? really, right now, this very moment in time, i just need somebody to hug. i miss that feeling of security, of closeness to another person. and weird enough, i also just wanna cry. i wanna cry as somebody holds me. im very bizarre i know. but i guess one thing ive discovered is that im much more fragile than many people think. ugh, im so melodramatic! i guess i just need an emotional cleansing and for me that usually involves melodramatic music and crying. oh, and darkness. i so shouldve hoofed it on the boards as they say. but anyways, i shall dutifully report back all wackiness that ensues with jason, jeff, and scotty, with whom i just had an hour long phone conversation.

seems that im celebrating x-mas with scotty and his clan. and funny enough, i just ordered scotty's x-mas gift, a talking george w bush doll. hell love it to death! i couldnt find a reagan doll so w will just have to do. ah, im such a goofball and of course scotty will point that out. "is everything a joke to you, roetzer?" he will say. ah, the tears of a clown...lol! i wish hed just shit or get off the pot with me. and i havent seen him in ages. right now, or at least until i spoke with him, i was really pissed off at him. i think im really just pissed off at everyone and everything. i think its just because im stressed and tired. of course, it could be worse, i could be being kicked out of my phd program and forced to move back home with my dad! lol! ah, how good it feels to laugh at others' misfortunes...! yes, i know, im so wrong! fuckin sue me then motherfuckers!