Well, I'm a big fan of the rejuvenating powers of "doing nothing." Of course, I'm usually thinking overly much, so doing nothing isn't really a true description.

I keep flipping back and forth between "I love my life, myself, and things as they are right now" and "What the hell am I doing?" which I guess is somewhat normal for me this time of year. I'm not adjusting well to working straight through the summer. For the past billion years of my life, there has been a break. I've been working summers for most of the past 10 years, but at different jobs than during the year and typically without being a student. No change these past two summers -- just work straight through. Not liking it so much.

Plus, the quarterly meeting I'm scheduling for right now (end of July) is sapping my sanity. All the difficult people have come back to haunt me! Grrr. I've had two letters written complaining about my performance, both coming from people who think I am impeding their progress. I am not a roadblock -- I am a gatekeeper. Once you know the correct answers to the questions, I allow you to proceed to the next level. If you don't know the correct answers, if you have not done your homework and learned the skills you need to make it through the next level, your steaming carcass comes back to stink up my living room. (i.e. improper gatekeeping reflects poorly on my performance of my job. duh.) I am not attempting to be difficult. I am attempting to assure that your work passes the next level of review (there are three, if you include me).

I've been reading Gail Sheehey's Passages. Interestingly, she claims the importance of her book is recognizing that, like childhood, adulthood is composed of stages of development. To deny this is stupidity that complicates our lives. Okay, I can go with that. She also claims that one problem heterosexual couples frequently encounter is differing schedules; men and women go through the same stages, but at different paces. Also very possible. The only problem is that the book was written in 1974, and just when you are really starting to relate to her, she throws in what is now an anachronism or a truly dated example that derails you momentarily. Regardless, it has been worthwhile thus far. Periods of solid optimism and groundedness are often followed by uncomfortable periods of change, whether they are outright crises or just growing pained adjustments.

Forget Spidey, I'm out for Fahrenheit 9/11 this weekend. Feeling pretty damn "patriotic".....

So I've spent the last few days catching up doing something I love to do. Absolutely nothing... or at least nothing of any import. I had many thoughts I was going to share, but I somehow always managed to get home so late that I was too tired to put my thoughts down here or even on my own blog. So I guess we'll never know about that cure for cancer or my 12-step plan for World Peace :)

If any of you caught the season premiere of Nip/Tuck, you'll have noticed that they pretty much picked up where they left off, the major theme of the show still being that getting old (or being deformed, which makes more sense) pretty much makes your life a living hell. Feel good show of the year, I'm telling you. Now this got me to thinking... I always joke around about "feeling old" or "I'm getting too old for this shit" and people hate it. As well they should, I'm only 29. But I am approaching that first major milestone a lot of people refer to as the beginning of the end, so the jokes aren't quite as funny any more. This is a phase in which you begin to wonder if that lingering pain or your inability to mountain bike and keep up with your friends is possibly age-related. It's like running from ghosts. On the flip side, I've seen 40 and 50-somethings run circles around me, so I know it can't be all downhill from here. Personally, I hope this next phase of my life brings me a family to call my own, a chance to do more to help others as opposed to helping myself. But, as usual, I digress a bit.

I have no more questions about who I am, what I want, where I am going, that sort of thing. I think I've got myself pretty well scouted out at this point. For me, the answers to those questions have not changed much, or basically come down to a choice of one of two paths. Of course, this is always the point in my life in which something changes that completely shatters my whole "I've got everything figured out" attitude :)

So that's it for now, true believers. Don't forget to go see Spidey 2...

It both is and isn't that bad. Any problem in the world can be made worse by overthinking or not thinking. I'm prone, obviously, to the former.

Can I have both a career and a family? Yep. Sure. Can I do it in a way that empowers, rather than enslaves, me? I don't know. Therein lies the fear. See, I can ASK a man to move contingent on my career choices -- and like you said, there are some that will do so, enduring ridicule from his compatriots. How many women endure the same level of social mockery when they move for love? And I can ask a man to be the primary caregiver to our children, should we choose to have them. If he's willing, great. But we both endure social stigmatization -- he isn't "doing" anything with his life and I'm endangering the future of my children by neglecting them. It isn't that these things are impossible, just less likely and less acceptable in general. Compromises can be worked out, but best if both parties know what they want in a solution before the negotiations begin. And I'm not quite sure what I want. Hence, avoidance.

On the beauty question, women, in general, are harder on themselves and each other than men are on them. It isn't that most men demand an unattainable standard of beauty from women; it's that we demand it of ourselves, putting, in general, too much emphasis on presentation. This, in general, is getting worse for men out there. Men used to be judged on their ability to provide for a family and be the stoic. Now, as women have more-or-less proved that they can fend for themselves financially, rather than remove the unfair beauty stigma from women, we are applying it equally to men. Equality does not come from oppression of everyone equally. But hey, keep us all insecure, and we, the people, are willing to believe in many things....

Ah, yes. I understand now, you had mentioned before the progression from one life's item to the next, seeking contentment. It looks like what I don't follow is your inability to accept yourself as you are and be happy... why are being true to yourself currently AND being happy mutually exclusive? Confess already... how many did you kill? or maybe you are preparing to testify in front of Congress that you can't read... what did you do to make such a thing somewhat difficult right now?

Hmmm. The great Choice. Relationship or Career. It's not just women. Everyone must choose. I guess it really comes down to what you do for a living, and how much being married/having children would affect that job. Some jobs obviously require a greater time investment than others. I read an article some time back on 40-somethings (women, in this case) who chose to forego marriage in favor of their careers earlier in their lives, who are now looking to find husbands, so I do see where you're coming from. I always thought hypothetically it would be unfair of me to ask my wife to give up her career in favor of raising my children, fortunately I haven't come to that actual bridge yet. But I digress a little. Who says you can't expect a man to put his career on hold in favor of yours? I wouldn't expect many women to be successful in such a thing, but you can at least make the attempt. Of course, any man who does so is certain to face a goodly amount of abuse from other men, but I think there may be some who would be brave enough to put up with it. You could always go the Hollywood route and have a male "companion". You know, one of those Oprah/Steadman or Julia Roberts/Benjamin Bratt type deals. That way you still get the man and the relationship, but no ring and no kids, and the best part--you get to keep your career. Let me put it to you simply, though: Is it truly impossible for you to have both? Marriage/family and career, in your current situation? Or is it just more effort than you're willing to subject yourself and your SO to? (not trying to imply laziness/lack of desire here)

On the beauty issue, I've heard those numbers thrown around before, but I really haven't had too many women talk openly about it to me. This will sound naive, but I'm really interested to know if it's really that bad out there for women. What I have experienced is listening to every girlfriend I've ever had go on and on incessantly about being fat/ugly/both, mostly when none of them applied. It may be true that men are perhaps more demanding than women in the looks department (although you'll have a difficult time convincing me of that), but I don't think men demand unreasonable standards of beauty overall, despite what the mass media would have you believe. Not everybody gets to date a model. Personally, I have a problem dating women that I think are overly attractive. I don't want to have the sort of relationship where I'm watching my back 24/7, cuz my girl is hot and all my friends know it. There are guys out there just waiting to deprive you of your woman. I should know, I've been on both sides of that fence. Again, I digress a little. Of course, like most men, I prefer the longer hair, and I also believe only a certain few women can get away with a short haircut. Put me down for Halle Berry as well--for me, that's a no-brainer.

Yes! Mysterious power (and bit of "programming") achieved! I rock!

I think I wasn't truly believing in perfection -- just attempting to work towards it. Like delayed gratification, which is how so many people live their lives: when I get that job....; when I get that promotion ....; when I get married....; when I'm thin and beautiful..... You know what I mean. I think that our society, with its quick fix, consumer-happiness mentality, encourages us to believe that someday, the magic button will be pushed and we will find the thing, the linchpin of our happiness. There is always something better around the corner, the grass is always greener. I've never been a big fan of that mentality, but find myself prey to it occasionally -- more often than I would like to admit. What I am looking at inculcating into my daily mentality is this: with what I have now and where I am now, and who I am now, how can I choose to be true to myself AND happy right now?

Okay, on the woman thing. Despite great advances in opportunities, the construct of womanhood hasn't advanced as far as we would like to believe. Careers are now open to women, but many are made to feel as though family should be a priority and children and husbands mandatory. Maybe this is just me. Let's clarify and say what I think is self-evident: the opinions expressed here represent my own take on the world at large and while they may only apply to me, I believe them to slightly longer-reaching than that. Prove me wrong if you wish. I welcome it.

Womanhood as I see it from 26, ensconced in a bureaucracy as a not-quite-believing in my own proficiency professional, is a double-edged sword. On one side is the family track: marriage, husband, wife, kids, domesticity. Usually, this will include career, too, but studies show that even in the most liberal and supposedly equal marriages, the woman does the majority of the domestic work, both household and child-rearing. So career is down there on the list. The other side is the career track, which can mean eschewing permanent personal connections of the Significant Other type just because you can't expect a man to give up his career or opportunities for advancement just to follow you where your career leads. See, it seems that women must choose: relationships or careers. Not that a Career is some mythical beast of perfection or anything. But I cannot see myself satisfied in my personal growth and passage through life without professional accomplishments and achievements. Maybe that's part of the hesitancy and uncertainty with marriage and children: what do I have to give up to choose that path? Am I willing to consider those sacrifices? Maybe it's selfish, but right now, the answer is NO.

The other part of womanhood I struggle with is that despite the fact that there are many beautiful women, both physically and spiritually, a standard of unreachable, air-brushed beauty has been presented that makes 99% of women feel as though they just don't measure up. Although in reality, short hair can be just as sexy, or sexier, than longer hair (really short or just shorter than shoulder-length), long hair has this mythological thing going for it. Halle Berry vs. Angelina Jolie. Both are unreachable, but I have to say that Halle's got it all over Angelina, in my opinion. I think Susan would disagree. Finding your own definition of beauty is difficult in an obsessed and saturated world.

I have to go back to work!!!

I think the point in life is not the person you ultimately become at the end of the journey. I think the point is the journey itself. I also believe that you must set your own course. Society can give you suggestions on how you should live your life, but ultimately, you should decide for yourself exactly what you want to accomplish. After all, when it comes right down to it, you only have yourself to blame :) For your situation, have you perhaps considered running screaming for the hills? You may even want to incorporate a cartoonish departure, leaving your outline in a big hole in the wall...

I would be very interested to know, from a woman's perspective, what things are/aren't considered "womanly". I mean, I know all about "guyhood" and the pressures to accomplish certain things before certain points of time and to live in a certain manner as dictated by the Book of Man... I guess I don't know a whole lot about the woman's experience on the flip side, short of having read "Are you there God? It's me, Margaret" by tragic mistake in my teen formative years... I was initially surprised a bit by your comments on the short vs long hair issue, but I realized just now that you never said how short you meant by short... are we talking short as in buzz cut, or just anything shorter than typical shoulder-length?

I certainly am glad you got that silly notion of perfection out of your system--atta girl! Most of us screw that whole perfection thing up within days of becoming self-aware. You gotta love yourself, life is way too fucking hard otherwise... eventually, you become no good to yourself or anyone else.

I see the link I requested was indeed added. Thanks to the Mysterious Powers That Be(tm).

Susan and Daniel could be the same person. I wouldn't put it past Susan to create a male persona. Sybil anyone?

Chronicles and confessions of a unfledged bureaucrat

I had a enormous brain-fart this month. I was supposed to attend a conference of two days this week. According to my mind and calendar, the conference was on Tuesday and Wednesday. Unfortunately, the planners of the conference are actually holding it on Wednesday and Thursday, and my mother comes into town on Thursday. She'd kill me if I ditched her, even for the edification of my career-mind, so I've bowed out, not-so-gracefully at this point.

I've been doing a soul-searching thing. Between talking to Susan and Mark, and the odd post by Daniel (meaning both infrequent and unique in voice), and finding both authors and songwriters who speak to my soul, I've hashed most corners of my life out of the shadows and into the light. The thing is that I still don't know my direction, course, or path. Where am I going and why? What do I want? The marriage question comes up a lot at this age. People seem to expect that I am considering it, and many people my age have considered it (as in, are married) or are considering it. I don't know if I want to consider it, but feel some sense of societal pressure to do so. I guess that's why I keep talking about socio-cultural constructs, besides the fact that I like saying/typing the words. Anything with a hyphen is fun. My life is a series of liberal arts moments. But, see, there are times when I consider something and, with thought and time, realize that the impetus to consider something seriously comes from outside me -- from friends, family, and acquaintances. If all of these people are asking the same questions, why? Because our society considers a certain life-path to be more or less the norm: birth, childhood, adolescence, college, job, marriage, family (and often then divorce, remarriage) and finally, death. The first three and then the last stages are all inevitable and biologically-driven. But there are choices besides college, career, marriage, and children, as well as different versions and timings of these events. They are not mandated.

So I am not saying that society has constructed you, Daniel, or you, Mark, but that society has constructed a version of manhood with which you must work out your relationship to in your own fashion. The same is true of the "woman" construct. Certain things are considered feminine and womanly and, as a woman, I negotiate my way through them. Long hair is considered sexy, feminine, and womanly, as well as beautiful. But it's also a matter of preference and choice, and some long hair isn't really very beautiful; it's just long. Susan will probably agree with this, but choosing to cut your hair short, as a woman, is a loaded decision. The questions "will I still be considered sexy/pretty?" and "what will this say to other people about me?" both arise and arise out of cultural considerations more than anything else. The preoccupation of presentation, how do other people see me, is something most of the women I know struggle with. On one hand, you really don't want to care, but in some respects you always do care. Or at least that's my experience with it.

I don't know. My mind rambles on lately, and I'm powerless to stop it. But here's the epiphany I'm having currently, beginning with my walk to work this morning: I have no hopes of ever being perfect, and neither does my life. I can work on self-improvement -- physical improvements like Daniel and Susan (I'm with you on the weight training, but good for you!), mental improvements, learning communication skills, etc. I can set goals or visualize the person I would like to be and work towards that. But I cannot perfect myself. Part of that is the ever-changing nature of personality and life, part of that is the human condition. So what I have to do is learn to love myself, imperfections and all, to be able to offer and share what I do have in my life. Affirmation rather than degradation or humiliation.

That sounds like a self-help book moment, but in the end, isn't it all self-help? If you see a councelor or therapist, isn't their job, in general, to help you see the answers already within you? No one else can figure it out for you. You have to do it yourself. Because truth is subjective and therefore unique to your eyes.

Welcome back, Daniel. Now that you're back, Susan has totally disappeared. Perhaps you two are the SAME PERSON!!! :)

I have the utmost respect for people who undertake any path of self-improvement. Best of luck to you in that endeavor.

As for Ireland, we were fortunate enough to have an excellent tour guide for the parts of our tour that were guided. We were also fortunate enough to be able to ramble around town(s) on our own for the most part.

You've pretty much said about manhood what I was about to attempt to say.

iPods are cute and useful little devices, aren't they? I am very close to considering one for myself. The things Apple does well, they do VERY well.

As promised, my solo effort. If Susan ever gets back, if she would please add my personal blog to my links over there on the side... you can certainly eliminate one of the current links if need be. I plan to do a minimal amount of advertising and bear witness to the power of the Internet.

It's my last day in NY. What a very, VERY unique city it is. Or at least Times Square and the whole Manhattan area, anyway.

I submit to you the following:

The late Barry White left a gift to the entire world, a gift of love. I spent two hours across the street from Radio City Music Hall listening to the self-proclaimed New York City's #1 Barry White impersonator. I gotta admit, he was pretty damned good. When we got there, there were only a couple people sitting around listening to him. By the time we left, this guy had a pretty good sized crowd, many of whom had been there for at least an hour, even a car that was originally passing by parked on the side of the road mid-trip to listen to this guy perform for at least half an hour. What struck me as wonderful was the fact that the people listening were of every race and color. All of them were willing to get together to honor the memory of a man who gave such a wonderful gift to all of us, and it's the sort of thing that maybe makes me think there's hope for us yet in the face of tough times ahead.

It's been a long time since I've kept any sort of diary, I only ever did once before in my senior year in high school. I kept the diary for a year and a half. It never ceases to amaze me how much I've changed since then, every time I go back to read it. Susan and Kate, I appreciate the invite to join this blog. It has re-kindled my interest to put my thoughts down. Instead of taking up space here to do that, like I have been here recently, I'm going to try my hand at going solo. Doesn't mean I won't keep up on here to provide non-sensical man-ramblings, though. Keep an eye out for my personal blog, coming soon to a website near you.

Hmmmm... fascinating... unfortunately for us, stereotypes are a way of life. Some of your stories remind me of my first dealings with GT people... at a recruiting event for high schoolers, I talked to this drunk old rich white guy about going to Georgia Tech... first thing he asked me was whether or not I played basketball, forget about what I was majoring in, if I was going on academic scholarship, anything of that sort :) Looks can be deceiving. What really sucks is when you know people are thinking the wrong thing and you can literally see it coming, knowing there's nothing you can do about it.

Let us not forget the best part about people making these erroneous assumptions, and that is proving them wrong ;)

I have to plead guilty as charged as being a man, older than you, and not at all master of home repair or finance, for that matter. My ex did my blinds, my friends did my ceiling fans, and helped fix the downstairs toilet. For my part, I fixed the sliding door lock, the broken downstairs bathroom lock, and (my personal favorite) the upstairs toilet all by myself... it took me two trips to home depot, some creative thinking once I'd broken the coupler where the fill tube meets the toilet, and my first time using a hacksaw to complete the job. I'm looking forward to fixing more stuff on my own, as I find I enjoy it once I get started (as I do many things in life). On the finance tip, the only thing I've done right is not to have accrued any debt besides car and house. I pay my credit cards off completely every month, and have done so all my life. I still think overall, I'm doing better than most people thought I would living by myself.

As for the door issue--it's your call to make, just remember that most of the guys that hold the door open were trained to do that, and risk incurring the wrath of their mothers if they don't. It certainly has no bearing on you as a person, your strength, or possible lack thereof. It's funny, here in NY, I've had to deal with several of these etiquette issues. Like letting women be the first out of an elevator/subway. That's something I haven't had to deal with in awhile. It's funny how most people have the general "let everyone out before going in" down, but then some people sit in the seats marked "priority seating" like it has no meaning. Who knows? These people are crazy :)

In other news, for a guy who never played a sport until middle school, sports has become an increasingly large part of my life. I wake up to and go to bed with SportsCenter. Basically, I love competition in most, if not every, form. I hope that I can stay active like so many older folks I've seen recently jogging/biking around Central Park.

For those of you that like taking pictures, but don't want to look like a tourist, might I recommend the wonderful SONY DSC-U30...

Halfway through this year, I've found that I haven't made as much progress toward a balanced lifestyle as I would have liked. I have done well on the social front, having hosted several get-togethers at my house. Unexpectedly, I've gotten back in touch with my sense of adventure and travelled a bit. I'm working on the career as I type, having passed two of the four tests I need to pass this class. Don't even get me started about relationships, or lack thereof. I'm also still struggling with getting more athletic and tending to my family. Just not enough time. Pinkston out.

Funny enough, but I think I blame my shoulder chip on my mom. You’ve all met my mom, with the exception of Daniel, but I’m thinking he’s sleeping with Hoffa or hiding from the mob right now. See, my mother is a contradiction in SO many ways. She was the perfect domestic – she can cook, clean, and child rear to beat the band. But she was never really docile or servile about it, my parents always had their own life beyond us kids, and she stood up for what she thought was right, whether my father agreed or not (frequently not). Then, when I was in middle school, she went back to college – she’d taken a few classes right out of high school, but it was the early 1960s and she got a job as a secretary in an advertising firm in downtown Chicago, which was way more fun and glamourous than school. She got her college degree in her late 50s and has a new career she loves (granted, it is teaching, a stereotypical “woman’s job,” but despite the fact that I don’t have the patience to do it right now, it’s also got to be one of the more important jobs around). Anyway, this is the same woman who glares at me whenever I say “feminist.” She was a little shocked when I told her I learned it from her. Granted, Susan and my mother seem to agree that I go about certain things the hard way, but that’s just me, I guess.

I think what I hate is that people assume I cannot do things because I’m a young woman. I don’t look strong, which is apt, but that doesn’t mean I can’t learn to do things like hammer! During my first field school in preservation, there were several men – a few architects and a few contractors. The youngish guys (early 30s?) and the older ones (55+) pretty much ignored the college-age women in the group (undergrad and grad), assuming we didn’t know what we were doing and didn’t want to get our hands dirty or some such B.S. But there was one guy, a contractor from Denver named Peter, who was really fantastic. The guys were right in assuming we didn’t know what we were doing (and right about some of the women really not wanting to get dirty), but the point of a field school is to teach each other what you know and learn from your workmates. Anyway, Peter taught me and my friend Jessica how to use hammer efficiently – a basic skill that neither of our fathers had bothered teaching – and for that, for assuming that we were there to learn and that we were capable, I will be ever grateful to him. I love my hammer.

Another, related example. When I moved in to my current apartment, some people from work helped, mostly men. I got amazed looks and sarcastic comments about my tool box. But even if I didn’t like tools, I am a single woman who lives alone. Who is going to fix stuff like loose screws and hinges, et cetera, if I don’t? It shouldn’t be that amazing.

See, since people stay single longer these days than in prior generations, and since we do tend to move out our parents’ houses and live on our own, I guess I think there are certain basic things everyone should know how to do, men and women. I would be relatively disgusted to meet a man my age or older who didn’t have basic cooking, cleaning, laundry, home repair, and financial skills. While the division of labor in any household will be particular to the relationship and skills of the people involved, why do we generally, culturally assume that women can’t hang a light fixture and men can’t do laundry? (For examples of our assumptions, watch a few laundry commercials or Sears commercials.)

Anyway, about the door thing, I don’t mind a guy holding the door open. But if I get to the door first, why on earth should I wait for a guy I’m with to get there and open it for me? And if I open the door and am holding it, why shouldn’t you, the guy, go through it? It seems like holding the door is a common courtesy, and gesture of kindness and respect, and that gesture needn’t be one way.

I have nothing more to say about Bob Costas. I am sure he is a wonderful person in his personal life (or at least, I am totally willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, as I’ll probably never meet him in person) but I despise sports commentary, especially the melodrama of the underdog/ugly duckling “backstory” that they love to do for the Olympics. I know Susan loves it, but she found meaning in The Legend of Bagger Vance, too. All I learned from that movie was that as much as I like Will Smith and Matt Damon as actors, separately, they don’t seem to be on the same page.

Sure I can... doesn't make it accurate :) Anyhoo, guess I should have merely said "Hey I'm the only freaking guy on here anymore!" a couple posts back. I didn't know if you were headed toward critical mass or not, and wasn't really going to take the chance ;)

Honey, NOBODY can stand Bob Costas anymore. After the Atlanta '96 Games, I never wanted to see the man's face or hear the man's voice ever again.

I know how you feel about the old guard's perception on gender roles. I should know, I have borne personal witness to some of it, like being thrown through a door when I tried to hold it open for you :) I don't know who's putting the pressure on you to act like a lady, but it ain't me. I admit to finding a measure of comfort in the old-fashioned ways, but I'm certainly open-minded to new definitions on gender roles.

I've had a lot of discussion with my guy friends on the pros/cons of marrying a "domestic". My ex-girlfriend would have been perfect in that role... cooking/cleaning/child rearin'/that sort of thing. I find myself still attracted to the corporate dual-income power couple type marriage. Mom says I should find a nice simple country girl instead. I could go either way. But I'm certainly looking for someone that wants to have kids, so that is a deal-breaker, if she has no interest.

Enough rambling from The Single Guy(tm)... what exactly is/was it that caused you to carry such a chip on your shoulder about gender roles?

You can't call four lines of questioning inquiry a "raging estrogen moment." All I'm saying is that "manhood" and "womanhood" have a lot of cultural baggage hung on them, weighing them down to the point that they become either burdensome or useless as definitions.

Despite some broader brushstrokes being used these days, it is still commonly acceptable that a man will fix things around the house, not cry (i.e. be more stoic in general), bring home most of the income (although part of that is true just because of inequitable wages), and be the sports fan. Woman will be motherly and caring, cook, defer to man in mechanical matters, and be more emotional and less interested in sports and more interested in culture. See, some of these things still do tend to be true, but my opinion is that that is because of how we were raised. I hate sports -- watching them is like slow torture to me. But Susan generally seems to love them. Living in a dorm room with her during the Olympics (1998, winter) was semi-hell to me. 24 hour sports (with Bob Costas!!UGH!). I like to fix things around my house, although I admit to having some hesitation when it comes to electricity and plumbing. Electric I'd try (if light fixtures weren't so expensive) but plumbing, on an apartment that isn't my own, could cost so much to have someone fix my mistakes, that I am reluctant to try it. But I'm sure I could figure a lot of it out. As anyone who knows me will tell you, I'm not all that motherly. I can cook, but I expect my s.o. to try, too. So there. That's my dime for the morning.

***RAGING ESTROGEN ALERT***

All men in the vicinity, head for cover! It's a good thing I'm here in NY, where it's safe... for now... :)

Manhood's voice has a soul? And it isn't comic relief? That sounds like a tall tale to me. It ain't that you don't have soul -- 'cause you do -- it's just that can manhood, as a culturally-created concept (and an inept and incomplete one at that) have a soul?

You ever notice that when you occasionally screw the pooch and mess up one of the thousands of things you do every day, even if it is minor, it always comes back to haunt you? All the crazy people I've dealt with since I started here, the ones with whom communication is difficult because they don't ever listen to a word you say because you must be wrong, have all resurfaced today to blame me for all the things they never did. The collapse of world order is all my fault today. I will cause armageddon -- just give me time.

Da, comrade. You might also want to consider de islands, mon. Nothing more relaxing that a quick nap in a hammock next to the sunny beach, Bahama Mama in hand.

So is it that you enjoy your freedom and don't want to have to answer to anyone else (another human, in this case)? I mean, whatever you do, don't get married before you're ready (like I'd know). But I wouldn't be concerned about there being something wrong with you... you're still a yungun', believe it or not. I've got the gray hairs to prove my age. I know it's different for women--supposedly, they should want to be married before the Old Maid age of 30. So you have at least that long before you start getting those weird looks or people start thinking maybe you play for the other team.

Sad, but true--my major impetus for marriage is to be forced to concentrate on someone else's well-being besides my own. Like I said a couple posts earlier, I could very easily go off the deep end and become absolutely self-serving and feed my once again awakened voracious appetite for travel. However, it doesn't necessarily take marriage to get me thinking of others... I still plan to do more for my parents, like put them on a cruise or help my dad get the boat he's always wanted. My nieces and nephews aren't quite old enough for crazy old Uncle Mark to really be beneficial to them besides keeping them up to their little knees in video games.

As for the life trade... only if you want to give me $5 mil in cash and your first round picks through 2007... on one hand, it would be nice to have a SO... I'm once again starting to forget what women are like... but on the other, I like doing what the fuck I want whenever the fuck I want without having to answer ton anyfuckingbody else. I think I've been in New York too fucking long :)

Heh, that reminds me of my favorite quote from the Ireland trip by some little 12 year old boy to some of his friends: "I'll fokeing kick you in the fokeing bollocks!" Kinda says it all, don't it?

Dude, I totally appreciate your offer -- tending the rainforests sounds noble and worthy. But I hate the humidity. If I decide to disappear from modern life, I'm going to Russia. I'd love to disappear in Spain -- any people that believe in siesta are all right by me.

I'm not actually thinking about getting married. I'm wondering why I feel little to no impetus to do so. I'm supposedly at that age when I guess I'm supposed to want it, but I don't. There's something attractive about the idea of having someone there -- someone who has promised, in front of family and friends, always to support you. Someone (besides my cats) who would be happy when I came home from work. The surety and constancy of having someone in your life. But really, most of the time I LIKE living by myself, serving my feline masters, making my own messes and own schedules. What I wonder is whether the system and society is messed up (duh!) or I am.

It's supposed to get over 85 today....

Your life sounds more exciting right now -- wanna trade?

See what happens when I turn my back on you guys? I came on here originally to provide occasional Comic Relief, be a bit part player. Now all of a sudden I find myself the sole voice of manhood. I think it's time The Powers That Be(tm) recruited another guy for the blog. And what's Susan's excuse, anyway?

Anyhoo, NY is still... big... and I'm trying to live as much of the good life as I can between classes. Dunno why I had such reservations about coming here, but I'm still glad I'm experiencing for the first time on a business trip. There's a Yoshinoya right across the street! I love this town! The last month of my life has been about as surreal as it gets between visiting Ireland and now finding myself in the middle of Times Square. I'm not sure if I'll actually be glad to be back home next weekend or not...

I'd like to send a shot out to all the Children of the Eighties(tm). Ronald Reagan's death marks the beginning of the middle for us. All we need now is to lose Hulk Hogan or Bob Barker, and I'll officially be a basket case.

Finally, a response to Kate's last post... I hear it's been raining cats and dogs back home in Tampa, otherwise it would be about 100 degrees down there. It's surprising warm up here in NY, but I can't imagine wearing a fleece in June. I doubt I'll ever leave Florida again. You can keep snow. I don't miss it. Kate, are you thinking about popping the question? All this talk of marriage, children... do whatever the hell you feel is best. Obviously, you can second-guess yourself to death as far as "should I?" or "will I be okay if I do?" or "is he the one?" What I've learned is that you'll never really know. The best you can do is do what you feel, and hope everything turns out okay. My older sister seems to have no intention of getting married or having kids (although I wish she'd consider it--she seems to have found a really great guy), she's living with her boyfriend in a house they bought together, and as far as I know, they're doing fine with no wedding bells in the near future. I say bottom line it. If you think you should get hitched, get hitched and give it your best shot. If not, don't. You certainly won't accomplish much planning if you are consumed in worrying over it. If you need an out, I'm mulling over leaving technology behind and tending to rainforests in Costa Rica. There's always a place for you in my organization.

Is Wicked Moxie dormant once again? We have dry spells, probably not helped by about 6 hours on the phone with susan. After all that, what else do we have to chat about on the blog?

We’ve been having Oregon days here lately, grey, cloudy, and drizzly, though we did get some thunder and rain today. I thought the Plains were supposed to have weather, honest weather, but we haven’t had spring at all and we’re not getting summer yet. I went for a walk last night before dark, wearing my fleece jacket. IT’S JUNE! I’m becoming weather obsessed, pathetically. Actually, I think it’s just the confusion of fall weather in summertime.

I’m going through another existential crisis: who am I and what am I doing? How can I tell you I”m where I want to be when I don’t know where I want to be? I’ve not accomplished much lately, either at work or outside of it. I seem stuck, wanting to do something but unable to figure out what. I frighteningly have a retirement account now. How adult and death-mongering does that sound? The guy was asking me about my future plans – would I have kids, would I have to take care of my parents or siblings, was I married, etc. I kept thinking my responses should be more thoughtful, that I should have more things planned out, but I don’t. I’ve found myself at the same place I was in first year of college, where do I go from here? I had planned generally up until this point (getting to college, getting a job) and then just figured things would figure themselves out after that. I mean, you can’t really plan your personal or romantic lives, can you? Do people who don’t make marriage a goal ever get married? Should they? Is it really desirable? Okay, say I don’t want to get married, which is possible. I don’t want to have kids. So does that mean I can’t or won’t find a meaningful, lasting relationship to which I can commit, even if not legally? Should I want to get married and have a family? Am I damaged in some way because I don’t know that I desire that? Is there some undiscovered childhood damage I need to deal with?

Even when I’m dealing positively with the uncertainty, it’s there. Is that the curse of modern life, self-actualization (whatever exactly that means), and freedom from some social constraints (is it freedom from or awareness of? Two sides of the same coin, but yet different.) I can do whatever I want, whomever I want, whenever I want, but I will never be 100% sure that this decision is the right one to make and one I can stick with for eternity or life. Argh.

VICTORY IS OURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In other news, New York is very... big... :)

Please think positive thoughts in my direction. I get the ultimate joy and privilege of meeting the s.o.'s parents this weekend at a family wedding in the lovely SD. Only an 8-hour drive! ARGH. Part of me wants to go and get the waiting over with, and part of me wishes for natural disasters and illness to keep it from going forward. My mind's been roiling for days, not just about the Meet the Parents moment, but about parents and children in general, as you may be able to tell.

Off early today, to care for the feline overlords in my life and then get on the road. Yeah.

All I can tell you is that were I born and raised in Ireland, I'd probably be able to produce Celtic poetry at the drop of a hat. It's the kind of beauty that inspires men to write about, sing about, and/or fight over. I could not get over how GREEN that place is... and then the mountains and the castles and the sheep and the lakes and rivers and cliffs... the busy cities... the people going from one pub to the next... 'twould be a good life, 'twould. I'm very lucky to have experienced some of it for myself.

You just get this overwhelming sense of pride from the people there, and they should be proud to have such a beautiful country. I'm going to go back and hit the history books, I forgot what little I had learned about Irish history. I spoke to a guy that had his uncles tossed off a bridge with nooses around their necks round about 1916... kinda hard to complain about 200 years of slavery versus 800 years of subjugation... it is amazing to see what can be produced from hard times...

We spent two days in Dublin touring and drinking and clubbing, then two days in Galway doing the same. The Cliffs of Moher are absolutely unbelievably beautiful up close and personal, as is Kylemore Abbey, as are the various villages we drove through... I'm telling you I just can't say enough good things about the place. We got VERY lucky in that we had sunny weather for 2.5 out of the 4 days we were there. The people were extremely friendly--all you had to do was have your map out and people would come up to you and offer assistance. I guess it was simply one of the most relaxing vacations I've ever had, which makes no sense, considering how little sleep and how much Guinness I had.

I would love to go back and see more, spend more time. Of course, that's the same way I felt about London, Costa Rica, and Japan :)

I don't know, guys--I'm in kind of a dangerous spot in my life... a trip like this is really beginning to push me to say FUCK IT and just devote my money to traveling the world to see all the beauty there is... but that is so selfish... I've been so blessed in my life, it's way past time I started giving back to others, y'know?

MP– sounds like a good trip, flight excluded? Yeah, my mom and I had a good time, too. More, please.

I am coming from not having kids of my own but dealing with other people’s and the fallout from them. What do you say to a parent when her kid is making her miserable? I guess what I’m thinking is that these friends of mine seem like reasonably intelligent and capable people. They have children. The children are not reasonable, well-behaved, respectful, polite, or even decent half of the time. This drives the parents nuts. What I wonder is this: What went wrong? If these people can’t raise decent kids that you would like to be around, what makes me think I could? Take that back – what makes me think that at some point in the future I could? Because right now it’s way too much all about me for kids to enter the picture.

I think maybe what your mom meant was that she wanted you dumb boys to stay out of trouble, and whatever else you decided to do after that would be great, as long as you were happy. That’s a valid goal. You can’t have taken calculus to please your parents. I feel lucky in that my parents never tried to dictate what I would do with my life – except that I would go to school. But remember, the same two people raised both me and my brother.

I think I just don’t understand parenthood. Go figure – I’ve never done it. Some of my issues with motherhood revolve around not currently wanting to be a parent. But some of it has to do with the juggling game. I don’t think I would want to be a stay-at-home mother – I would get bored and unpleasant. But I also don’t see the point in having a kid entirely raised by someone else. In my ideal conception of parenthood, both parents work somewhat of swing schedules, allowing both of them to take care of the child. When one parent stays at home, it seems to throw the balance off in an equitable relationship. I don’t want to be the one responsible for the household, nor do I want the responsibility of sole breadwinner. I want a little of both. Actually, I want neither but have all of both because I’m single and live alone, but you get the picture, I hope. I guess I’m just not that good at juggling my current life obligations, which are few, and can’t see adding a billion more for the next 18+ years. If I skip a dentist appointment, no one really cares. If I forget to take the kids, well, I’m going straight to hell, right?

They don't ALL turn out bad, y'know... Some kids turn out okay. I think my parents are proud of the three of us, and probably wouldn't trade us in for the world. Then again, Mom set a pretty low standard... we were having lunch eight years ago, just her and I, and she admitted to me that she was really only expecting my brothers and I to stay off the corner and not end up in jail--not to accomplish what all we have. If I'd known that was all I had to do, I wouldn't have bothered with all this school crap :)

I guess the sense I get from you on the kids thing would be like me saying "I have no positive relationship examples, why would anyone want to get into a relationship?"

I put the obvious statment out there that however you feel about it, of course, is completely up to you. I know several women that have no intention of having kids. Some don't want to deal with raising them, some think the world is too ugly of a place to be responsible for having brought someone else into the world, etc, etc. Some stupid kid kicked the back of my chair for seven hours en route to Dublin last week. Kids can be really fucking annoying and extremely fucking cruel when they want to be.

Enough of me going on and on--help me understand where you're coming from...

Ireland is perhaps the most beautiful country (land and people) I've laid eyes on...

Why on earth do people actively want to have children? Since I moved here, I've actually become friends with people who are parents -- an unknown realm for me entirely. Of my friends (including the S.o's daughter), none of them have an easy time dealing with their kids. One friend has a 17-year old son who is going to court this afternoon for an incident of property damage (his second). She received a letter from the court that they'd like to remove him from the home and process him into the system. He's not going to be there for long -- he'll be 18 in less than a year -- and despite the fact that the kid is making his mother's life miserable with his idiot boy antics, she'll fight to keep him (rightly so, in my opinion, in this case -- he will be "in the system" just long enough to fuck him up further). Another friend has one kid on probation and another who just tried to commit suicide, as well as an ex who won't let the youngest kid ever visit him. And there's always my mom and brother -- there's a good example of what not to do.

How much responsibility do parents feel when their adult children go haywire? Are you responsible for all their screw ups until you die? I blame my parents for a few screwy ways of dealing with life that I've had to dig out from under, but when I fuck up, I do so on my own dime.

Again, I reiterate: WHY DO PEOPLE WANT TO HAVE KIDS?