Susan thinks her yogurt burst strawberry cheerios are poisoning her. Discuss.

Corporate Evil.

I just thought that I'd share this: http://www.wakeupwalmart.com/news/20050810-wsj.html.

Personally? I don't care if WalMart workers unionize. The point could be argued that people choose to get jobs at WalMart and that there are other options. Sometimes this is true. But I pay for WalMart. I pay taxes which cover health care for the poverty-wage employees who can't afford the expensive but poor coverage offered by Sam Walton's empire. I pay medical care for the women who find themselves pregnant (and then the children) because WalMart insurance pays for Viagra but not birth control (okay, I know there are other ways to prevent pregnancy, my point is mostly that this is an idiotic practice). I pay for the tax breaks my idiot city is giving WalMart to build two superstores in a town of 60,000 people. I will pay when I lose options of places to shop.

The problem is this:

The real bottom line is NOT the bottom line.

I'm bored of talking to myself online. I don't feel all that smart today -- nor witty. Frankly, am kind of cranky about the cloudiness thing going on. I was actually planning to willingly venture out onto a boat on a river tonight. Had been invited and everything. Not so much fun with the rain and thunder and lightening.

Bah.

When you're dissatisfied with life, do you ever wonder what it is that you're looking for? And missing?

Experience of life shows that the greatest disappointments I encounter lie in the space between expectation and reality. Dude. It's the freaking Grand Canyon and such.

I hate to admit out loud that I'm not as in tune with the Tao as I'd like to think and project. But.
I. HAVE. EXPECTATIONS.
and they are rarely met in the way that I expect them to be.
and I? am disappointed.

Stupidly, it often takes me a LONG time to figure out how/why I'm upset each time it happens -- that it is not a factor of external, but rather of internal pressures. How damned American of me to not learn from my past!

Do you ever feel as though you are missing small moments of clarity and beauty because you're waiting to be slammed over the head by nature/fate/gods/creation?

It seems to me that, as imperfect and frankly fucked up as life can be, that there have to be moments of perfection hidden in there. If we're aware, we might see them. But most of the time, our perceptions are dulled by the very "adult" way of seeing the big picture.

What dumb '90s band had the song with the chorus about the "little things that kill?" They were on to something. Small victories are the building blocks, like atoms. Small defeats gnaw deeply into our bones.

Moose are not small. Nor are they beautiful. And yet they fit the larger pattern of things just right.

Tequila rocks.

Grills rock.

I love chicken and barbeque sauce.

For once, summer has conspired to make an unabashedly beautiful evening -- even if it's not going down in the annals of history.

As the agave loosens tongues and thoughts, even the cheap kind, I shall say no more, but sleep, perchance to dream.

Ta Da!

Given time, even I can figure out most of the coding. I haven't coded anything since I was about 11, but I'm liking the revived new look. It may need some tweaking still, but comments would be welcomed. I'd still like to clear the page and have the thing archive all the stuff from February, but cannot yet figure out how to do that. It'll have to wait. I should try doing some work today.

I spent the morning at an archaeological dig. It's fun to see this remnants of lives -- discarded bones from food (a.k.a. bison), post holes for the posts that would have held the roof up, shards of pottery. It's like a puzzle. You have bits of someone's life. What can you tell me about them?

Which makes it kind of like the blog world. I give you bits of my life. What do you know about me? (Again, that would be assuming that anyone ever read this, but since I'm writing because I want to, frankly don't care!)

Last deep thought for a Friday? I really love 7Up Plus. I know it's got fake sugar in it, to which I am opposed, but it's fruity and apparently has calcium. And we know I need calcium.

Ha!
Fixed some things ALL BY MYSELF.
Rock.

[Susan still has to do some cleaning up after me. Am like messy 5 year old with finger paints. Hee hee!]

Sadly? This is the most useful and important thing I've done all day.
Will now go watch Jerri Hall mock young men on Kept. See what I've been reduced to????

Am REVIVING the blog. CPR skills are rusty, but I'm bored and that's enough impetus.

Changes? Yeah, I'm not so much of a coding person. I changed some things. Screwed up some text formatting. Deleted the absent boys (although if they want to come back, maybe we'll let them). New rule? No more mass text blocks written ee cummings style, Susan! Use the return key, if not punctuation. Declaring myself dictator of the new world, at least for the next 15 minutes. We all get 15 minutes, right? Huh?

Am posting. Word.

Okay. So this is my thought for the day (and yes, there's pretty much only one. Am stupid today and not using too many pronouns):

What happened to living fearlessly in our daily lives?
That sense we had as children, an invincible confidence of self -- what happened to that? Unconcerned with *who* we were, we lived unconsidered lives but delved deeply into the here and now of the present, ignoring or discounting consequences. Our a priori assumptions were that we existed and the things and people around us existed in relation to us (real or not). When did we become aware of our selves? When did we separate, seeking selfhood over connection and losing our way back? Apparently we were too old for breadcrumbs and left no trail and no fumble through the forest seeking gingerbread houses -- but anything that pretty can hold a nasty surprise. Duh.

My head is imploding.

Now, seriously, I know that sounds funny, but it isn't. I've had this cold for about a week, and this is the first day it's been in my head. Mostly, it's been in my throat. I've been awake for an hour or so in the middle of each night coughing like a TB patient -- I haven't slept much this week. Zombie me. Blech. It's going to be like a supernova or black hole or something Monty Python did.

Ugh.

I knit.

I think I've mentioned before that last October, I took a knitting class at the community college with a friend. Since then, I've made 5 dishcloths, 7 scarves, and 2 hats. The hats suck. I'm not remarkably good at this new hobby, but I like it. It teaches patience. Even using chunky yarn (often with titles like "Thick and Quick!"), it takes a while for things to form. Instant gratification is not part of the process.

In a way, knitting is kind of like driving. It takes some focus, so a certain percentage of your brain is engaged with your task. But for the most part, it's free time upstairs, an open house for random thoughts. While I can listen to music or watch TV while I knit, I can also choose to sit quietly and let the thoughts roam. It's meditative. Since I don't forsee myself sitting on a mat chanting "Om" any time soon, working meditation into my life is a positive and soothing step in my quest for inner peace. Chopping vegetables is the same thing.

I have a zen cookbook somewhere, but I can't remember the name of it right now. I've never made a recipe from the book, but I loved reading it. The author talks about cooking as an all-consuming task: when you are washing the rice, wash the rice. In other words, try to focus on the task at hand: the feeling of the rice, the running water, textures, smells, sounds. Be IN the moment, not looking ahead. Focus, be mindful.

Hmm. It's interesting, but I'm so not there yet. I don't know that I ever will be, but it seems worth striving for. My issues with religions and afterlives stem from the fact that I don't CARE if there is an afterlife. I'm not living for that. I'm living THIS life right now. Shouldn't I learn how to do it right? Should I learn how to deal with the things that come up, without delaying my joy in life for some nebulous, unknown "future?" Shouldn't I learn how to treat people with respect and care? Shouldn't I learn to treat myself that way? I guess I could do it all just to "get into heaven," but really, how do I know that "heaven" is all that much better than what I have here? If there is an all-powerful supreme being that did create all that exists, and if existence is good (because it comes from the supreme power), then should I not enjoy this existence? If I throw away or ignore the gifts of life in this plane, am I not rejecting what the supreme power gives me? If you believe in sin, wouldn't that be it?

Yeah, but what's up with Lost? JJ Abrams is losing his strong female-character thing. I mean, he was supposed to kill off Jack and let Kate be the main character. Instead, Jack's become the central figure. Claire's been killed or at least disappeared. The crazy lady who thinks her husband's still alive has always been a minor player. Too bad, but Shannon's still around. Creepy incest story line. I don't know. I still like the show, but I guess I'm tired of seeing female characters marginalized.

I had another thought, but it's escaped me. It's Saturday afternoon. I've got little for ya, today.

Okay, so it was nearly -40 today (that does include windchill) and I have no desire to EVER go back outside.

I'm happy to report that, three hours into the new season of Alias, things are going okay. There's been another major shift/reorganization, so the real plot line is a little slow, taking a backseat to some better action sequence plots. Not a problem for me. But here's my thought on Jack Bristow: the man is a misogynistic idiot. Point one: he works with women who regularly kick ass and get themselves into and out of scrapes. Such includes: (ex)wife. daughter. other operatives. In fact, he trained his daughter at a very young age. So he understands, on some level, that the women he works with are smart and capable. And yet, how many story lines have we had where 1. Jack does something either dumb or questionable. 2. He tries to hide it, usually from Sydney. 3. She suspects him. 4. She finds out the truth. Invariably, more than half of these story lines involve her hating his guts for a while -- either before she finds out what really happened or after. He ALWAYS gets caught. Duh.

Okay. I just spent all day working on an article, and then spent two hours setting up my new online class sections. Bah. My brain is mostly dead. I think it's TV time, ladies and gentlemen.

Um, you went from grooming quality to equipment quality. Two very different things, really. I shan't address the latter. On the former, however, I would say that you probably have two schools of thought -- the au natural, do nothing school, and the care in grooming school. Being of the latter and knowing that you are, your standards are probably fine. More attention might be paid because of the near certainty of oral sex -- you're probably talking greater than 90% versus about 35% for a date with a man.

As for DATING a woman, the logistics would be much the same, I'd assume, even if the vibe is different. You still don't want to rush into anything too quickly. I don't think having a one-night stand makes any more sense in this context than in a heterosexual scheme of things -- but it all depends on the context and your comfort level and your choices. Think about the sex all you want, but this is still another person whose feelings get wrapped up in the situation, not just a hot woman with lickable curves. Also, the safe sex issue is even more intrusive. Personally, I'd rather wait to get into sex than have to use the types of protection available. Hey, want me to send the chica those pictures? Hee hee.

It's still monkey-butt cold here. But on the girly plus side, I think I've finally found the magic combination of hair styling products that keeps the static away.

And hey, MP, we do NOT need your help to get into the gutter. You know that. But we welcome the company.

Wow. I tell you one thing, Susan, you won't have to listen to any preaching from me on *that* subject, cuz I know absolutely nothing about it. I hope you get what you want from the experience(s), and I mean that sincerely. Anyway, I'm mostly here because I have just to say that...

now, ive never been in a relationship with a woman and ive never dated women,
but i have always been curious about trying it. ive basically just been a pussy
about it i guess.

...is possibly the funniest thing I've seen in years. I know that's a joke in terrible taste, but I can't help it.

Man... maybe you guys were better off without me ;)

My well-meaning friends from grad school gave me a few gifts when I left Oregon for the cold ND tundra: mittens, a hat, a flask, and a cute little Coleman keychain thermometer. The latter goes to zero. It hasn't worked in over a week. So do you know how you can truly judge cold? How long does it take for the moisture inside your nose to freeze and form little ice crystals on your nose hairs?

Like I said before... cloning--where do I sign up? how quickly can I get a couple? Oh, and don't forget to program them to let me know if my... services... are needed with regard to the girlie(s) before they take matters into their own hands (gotta love the phrasing). Just remember what I said about being able to do more for people when I'm single.

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly things can change. Anyway, I am not here to bore you folks with the details of my life OR my new love life, for that matter. She's nice, she's easy to be with, and I'm happy. We'll leave it at that for now. Apparenly, Jenn is still lurking about, and she might as well post here and take my place... her personal blog is still up, and mine is now history. Anyway, I have just now promoted myself to "Blog Voice From Above", as I doubt I will be a regular daily contributor from here on out.

To Susan: Men are dogs/pigs/assholes/. And women, generally, are bitches. Having said that really changes nothing. I had typed a whole bunch of nonsense in way of advice for you, but really everyone has already told you all that you need to know. You'll get the answers to your questions eventually if you think about it... that is, WITHOUT letting your emotions get in the way. The first step towards understanding men is to detach. Best of luck.

To Kate: What if your motivation is actually to question your own motivation on a fairly regular basis? Just a thought. Anyway, good luck having the man in town. Also, I have a job that I love, and I barely break a mental sweat, so I can't help you with that one.

Oddly enough, I am looking forward to 2005. 2004 was a great year for me, the perfect counter to a lousy 2003. I'm not nearly as freaked out about turning 30 as I was about turning 20. I feel the transformation from a Luke Skywalker to an Obi-Wan Kenobi (I can only wish I was a Han Solo type). It is my hope that I will consider myself less, and others more, as I move into the next phase of life like my father before me, like his father before him.

The Force shall be with you... always.

We aren't all we present ourselves to be. Ever. And if your words and actions don't match, well, which speaks louder?

It's totally freaking cold here. I finally gave in this morning and drove to work -- it was -20. Plus, I am going to go and see two houses after work. One of them is small, cute, well-located, and in an area I like, PLUS I can afford it. I wonder what's wrong with it.

Why is it, at work, that even when you have a job you love, you spend lots of your time putting out other people's fires, finishing other people's work, covering other people's asses, and placating people who expect you to do their work? I want to do projects I pick out!

Thanks and praise be! I am not just shouting into the void! The long, dry monologue has ended! The violin in the void is now joined by a cello. Or would you rather be a viola?

I don't think you can trademark Progress. It's been done.

I think that, yes, it is likely that psych boy is more cautious because he has a kid. I don't think it's the child -- it's that there was a long-term relationship that produced offspring and yet, didn't work out. The traditional nuclear family structure, despite all evidence to the contrary, is still deemed "stable." People who fail at creating that stability the first (or second, or third) time, should be a little more cautious. We all have our past-relationship baggage. But people who are now divorced committed to eternity and then backed out. Many of them harbor guilt over that. So caution is a really good sign, IMO. It hopefully means that he's done some time figuring out what went wrong last time -- so he doesn't repeat his mistakes. Maybe it also means that he's done some figuring on what he wants out of a relationship -- and why bother jumping into something that will not be what he wants? We cannot have perfect relationships. But at least we should fuck each new one up in a different way, right? Who wants to make the same mistakes again and again?

Love and glory from the frozen tundra of the North.

Oh, and to the commenters, thanks for reading. We (the Royal We) know that Mark's off on his own journey of new discovery. The milk carton's haven't helped Daniel's case, unfortunately. As for Ragining Lunatic, dude, I don't know what to tell you. Um, I'm confused by your comment, but thanks for tuning in. And good luck, I think.

And so the monologue continues....

Welcome to 2005, world. Things are constantly shifting, which is good when you realize that a lack of change means stagnation. Change is like life -- the ultimate outcome isn't about the change or event itself. It's about how you deal with the shifting techtonic plates in your life. You can follow the Tao of Chaos in life, nature's tendency towards chaos. Or you can fight it, live life like a salmon fighting the current every step of the way. Or swish of the way, whatever. I don't really do fish metaphor well.

So, New Year's resolutions: adopt the serenity prayer as a way of life and butt out of things that aren't my business. Finally create a budget that involves saving, retirement, and fun for me. In the vein of budgeting, plan grocery store trips better to waste less -- money and food. Drink more water and eat more vegetables. Incorporate more exercise into my life -- maybe even follow my advice to my mom 5 years ago and try some yoga. Live exquisitely.

May you become master of your own destiny this year. I could wish nothing more nor anything less for myself.