They do say that it never rains, it pours. And who sang "It's raining men"? Mojo or moxie, they are drawn to (and scared away by) confidence and class -- contradictory bastards!
As for the deeper question of "break-its," I think it boils down to how people live their lives. Contradictory viewpoints can add spice to a relationship in a non-sexual way -- definitely a good thing. What's hotter than a good debate? Live by the dictionary, die by the dictionary, because, as Plato said, you cannot argue something without defining your terms. But if a man thinks women who don't want to have children are suspect or phoney or not nice, does that translate into him wanting a woman who will bear him many children and raise them with him? That would be a relationship deal breaker, at least for a non-maternally-inclined woman (i.e. you or me). Or does it even just translate into wanting kids? The issue of wanting children IS a deal breaker. If one partner does and the other doesn't, you ultimately have a lifestyle/life goal conflict, which, in most cases, is best solved by both involved parties seeking other relationships. Just my opinion, though. Look at one of my break-its: workaholics. I cannot ever see myself living with someone who lives for his work. I hate that. What I love about work, as opposed to life as a student, is that, at the end of my 8 hours, I go home. I don't take work home with me. I frequently spend weekends or evenings at events and other work-related things, as my job sort of leads to that, but when I'm home, I'm off work. That's my time. Break-its are all about lifestyle, not so much about beliefs. But most of the time, beliefs guide or influence or even dictate lifestyle. (Look at religion, for example).
So my life. I started dating a divorced single father about a month or two ago. He has a 12-year old daughter. They spent the weekend with me. I don't think she spoke to me the entire weekend. Last night, after they left, I wasn't too happy about the situation. I like this guy, but I really have no clue how to deal with a pissy teenager (or a child in general, not having any) and I'm not sure I'm up for it. I don't need her to like me, just to generally be polite (as in, say hi and goodbye and acknowledge that I'm present, especially in my own house!) I was taking it pretty personally last evening, but I've cooled down. I think 90% of it is a combination of 2 factors: She's a shy 12 y.o. girl (awkward age) and she doesn't really like dad dating. Can't really blame her for either. At some point, though, being 12 is no longer an excuse for basically being rude. I can understand her not being thrilled about her dad dating again. There's no chance for her parents getting back together, and I think her mom's dated a reasonable amount since the divorce. But she lives with her dad and has had his undivided attention for a few years now, and I can see how she wouldn't want to give that up. She doesn't know me well enough to hate, despise, or villify me on any actual basis -- I'm just the hate-able girlfriend.
Biggest problem: I don't think her dad sees the problem. He wants everything to be hunky-dory, so he sees it as such. I don't know that he was prepared for dealing with the issue. It may help for us to back off a little, and for him to spend some more time with her, but they have all week every week (we live 2 hours apart), and when he makes plans for them on the weekend, she often chooses not to go.
I don't know. Why the hell do I complicate my life? Oh yeah: "We love because it is the only true adventure." (Nikki Giovanni). Susan suggested that I just ask him, innocently, if I'd done anything to offend the kid, because she didn't really seem to enjoy her weekend. The answer, of course, again, as Susan succinctly put it, is that I'm fucking her father, even if not in the shower, and that's enough. True. We'll see what he says, and how it goes, and then, as another friend suggested, I can always get food poisioning on Friday night and not be able to make the weekend (it is her birthday, and if she more or less hates my guts, why push the issue on what is supposed to be "her" day? Wicked plans can be formulated and used later.)
ARGH!
17 November 2003
09 November 2003
You ALMOST became one? When was that? And do NOT tell me that giving up pork (because you don't like it) constitutes almost becoming a Jew!
Joining a gym is fine. I tried it (granted, it was the YMCA) and didn't like it. That mainly comes from not finding classes to attend. Anyone who knows me is well aware of the fact that you more or less need to trick me into exercise. I hate the machines and won't go if I think I can get out of it (mentally). I think it's god-awfully expensive, but so be it. Whatever works for you, you know? And this is a positive thing -- working out is supposed to be good for you, right?
On another note: the "honeymoon stage" of a relationship. This is a beautiful thing. I love being a part of it, in the midst of it, in the swing of it, but hate knowing that it will end. I don't think anyone could live in this state forever (and who would want to try? I want no part of a Brave New World of "happiness," and the minor ups and downs are what give depth, shadow, and perspective to life. Wallace Stevens writes, "Death is the mother of beauty; hence from her,/ Alone, shall come fulfillment to our dreams/ And our desires." And it's true. Only loss or the potential of loss makes poignant the joy or beauty we currently possess. Only the knowledge of winter's imminence engenders us to enjoy the motley silks of autumn, the shiver in the air enticing our blood to pump thicker.
On yet the last thing going in my life: I am contemplating introducing yet another pussy in my life. I have one cat, joy and master in my life, who choose me back in March. Sullivan is a pretty grey tabby who turned one in May. He is demanding and needy and fun and cute and is the first roommate who doesn't drive me batty 60% of the time. But I leave him alone all day every day, plus visits to the aforementioned s.o. and travel for work. I think he's lonely. The humane society I got this creature from has many others up for adoption, of course (Bob Barker and I agree: SPAY OR NEUTER!) I have two potential kitty brothers for him -- but I need to clear it with my landlady and Sullivan first. They have so many cute kitties and puppies that have been given up by people. I don't know how anyone could do it -- to give up a creature. People suck.
Oh, and one last dilemma that's come up since I started this post last night: my current significant other is divorced and a single father with primary custody. He lives in the same town as his ex's family. His daughter's birthday is two weekends away, with a party to which I am invited, at which I would meet his ex-in-laws. Do I go and get the curiosity (SMALL town) over with (for them, not me) or do I find a reason not to go? He gave me an out, saying I didn't have to come if I didn't want to play 20 Questions, but I almost feel like I should just get the meeting out of the way -- I will have to do it eventually! Argh. Family are complicated, and relationships even more so.
Joining a gym is fine. I tried it (granted, it was the YMCA) and didn't like it. That mainly comes from not finding classes to attend. Anyone who knows me is well aware of the fact that you more or less need to trick me into exercise. I hate the machines and won't go if I think I can get out of it (mentally). I think it's god-awfully expensive, but so be it. Whatever works for you, you know? And this is a positive thing -- working out is supposed to be good for you, right?
On another note: the "honeymoon stage" of a relationship. This is a beautiful thing. I love being a part of it, in the midst of it, in the swing of it, but hate knowing that it will end. I don't think anyone could live in this state forever (and who would want to try? I want no part of a Brave New World of "happiness," and the minor ups and downs are what give depth, shadow, and perspective to life. Wallace Stevens writes, "Death is the mother of beauty; hence from her,/ Alone, shall come fulfillment to our dreams/ And our desires." And it's true. Only loss or the potential of loss makes poignant the joy or beauty we currently possess. Only the knowledge of winter's imminence engenders us to enjoy the motley silks of autumn, the shiver in the air enticing our blood to pump thicker.
On yet the last thing going in my life: I am contemplating introducing yet another pussy in my life. I have one cat, joy and master in my life, who choose me back in March. Sullivan is a pretty grey tabby who turned one in May. He is demanding and needy and fun and cute and is the first roommate who doesn't drive me batty 60% of the time. But I leave him alone all day every day, plus visits to the aforementioned s.o. and travel for work. I think he's lonely. The humane society I got this creature from has many others up for adoption, of course (Bob Barker and I agree: SPAY OR NEUTER!) I have two potential kitty brothers for him -- but I need to clear it with my landlady and Sullivan first. They have so many cute kitties and puppies that have been given up by people. I don't know how anyone could do it -- to give up a creature. People suck.
Oh, and one last dilemma that's come up since I started this post last night: my current significant other is divorced and a single father with primary custody. He lives in the same town as his ex's family. His daughter's birthday is two weekends away, with a party to which I am invited, at which I would meet his ex-in-laws. Do I go and get the curiosity (SMALL town) over with (for them, not me) or do I find a reason not to go? He gave me an out, saying I didn't have to come if I didn't want to play 20 Questions, but I almost feel like I should just get the meeting out of the way -- I will have to do it eventually! Argh. Family are complicated, and relationships even more so.
07 November 2003
I’m firmly convinced that age means nothing. Of course, that’s easy to say when you’re dating someone 14 years older than you…. It’s easy to make excuses for your statements. Regardless, it doesn’t seem to matter what age you are – the only real attachments to age are socially-imposed. The number itself is like money – meaningless. And there is no gold standard behind age. Numbers confuse us because they seem objective, but they are just representative symbols and in the case of age, they represent a number of years passed. WHATEVER!
Cattle prods are necessary for some things. I don’t know how to continue my righteous outrage long enough to prod me into action. I want to be active and political and involved, but I just don’t seem to get around to it. PAC of one, defunct.
I have to go – the computer is beeping at me. And I have plans with my coworkers tonight.
Cattle prods are necessary for some things. I don’t know how to continue my righteous outrage long enough to prod me into action. I want to be active and political and involved, but I just don’t seem to get around to it. PAC of one, defunct.
I have to go – the computer is beeping at me. And I have plans with my coworkers tonight.
05 November 2003
I think just becoming political might be enough of a revolution. Seeing as how only about 24% of our demographic voted in the last dumbfuckery we called an election, the majority of us are complaining while standing on our own two clay feet. Not me. I did vote, but was still shocked, ashamed, and disgusted. It was interesting to be in Oregon for the last election – not only was there actually a good contingent of Nader support, but we had something like 50 ballot measures at the state level. Government gone awry. I would highly suggest the book "Manifesta" by Jennifer Baumgardner and Amy Richards. A discussion of the history of and the current direction of feminism, it's a motivating read -- get involved. You can do something; you just have to figure out what your strengths are and what it is you have to offer.
I’ve been spending some time with the “elephants dressed as donkeys” (Sharpton’s comment). I really am not sure. There are a few people I can knock off of my radar pretty quickly – a few of the guys just seem like typical good ole boy politicians, and I think s.g.’s right about Moseley Braun – she isn’t much electable. I think part of that has to do with her double race/gender bind, but most of it has to do with the fact that 1) she’s got small potatoes experience, more or less (not that that would necessarily hamstring a man, but to be realistic, women do have to at least doubly prove themselves); 2) her opinions seem generic – positive, but generic; and 3) I don’t think she can raise the money for running. As for the rest of them, it’s funny to read s.g’s comments about Kucinich (if I spelled that right) – I like him. He’s good, Kerry’s good, Dean is interesting. Those are the three I’ve been convinced to look into further. Sharpton interests me mostly because he does more or less say whatever is on his mind. I think some of it is true, and some of it is inflammatory (and the latter I dislike), but he’s more upfront than politicians typically are.
I am going to try an experiment – once I’ve read more on the candidates I am most interested in, I am going to try writing them (email, if their websites offer it) and see what kind of response I get. Just curious. I like to write letters, so it should be interesting. I have a year to figure out how people get involved in politics in America’s Siberia, and I will be exploring the feminist fringe, as soon as I find it.
On other notes, I understand the hollowness s.g.’s describing when she talks about sex without caring. I can’t imagine fucking someone I didn’t respect – well, I can, but it doesn’t work! If I just want to orgasm, I can do that on my own, or with toys. They’re cheaper and ask less of you than a fuck buddy. And, gee, despite the Catholic upbringing (thankful to be in recovery), no guilt! Sex is often overrated as “an expression of love,” or some other poetic bullshit. Sex should be fun, physically enjoyable, and comforting, in the aspect of physical closeness and touching. But I don’t see how doing it with someone meaningless can be good.
I think that sex is somewhat of a window – sometimes the act itself clarifies a relationship. It allows you a space to see between the “lines” of life. Being naked in bed with someone, lying in one another’s arms post-coitus, languidly discussing whatever comes to mind, seems to me to be a telling moment. How easy is it and how comfortable? At this moment, with your defenses down (and no shield of clothing), how are things?
I have, recently, been well fucked. The funny thing is that the relationship, with its roller coaster ups and downs, that was recorded in the early days of this blog, finally broke down completely. It turns out that when you take two people who have a history of poor communication and separate them by 1500 miles, add in two face-to-face visits in the course of 7 months, plus new jobs and lives for both, you end up with no relationship. It degenerates to a level below your average friendship. So, as the realization, recognition, and disintegration of that was going on, someone new showed up on my radar. Someone I had an enjoyable, fun, comfortable time with. Someone that I wanted to look good for, in datelike fashion, but whom I didn’t need to be at my girliest for.
So, in less esoteric description – I met someone new. I did not break up with the ex because of the new person, but meeting someone who is a potential can sometimes force realizations. Since we’re into initials, we’ll call him g. (gq? Maybe. I like him.)
Funny fact though – he’s a few years older and has the added complication of being a single father. His kid doesn’t seem freaked out by me, but she may once it really sinks in that this isn’t a quick fling (I’m pretty sure it isn’t). How’s that for complicated? Hey, no one ever claimed that I would make my life easy and seamless.
I do keep wondering if things have gone “too fast,” as if there are any sort of reliable timetables for meeting, falling for, and getting involved with a person – or for getting over a person you were with at one point. My recent realization has been that one of the reasons that getting over the ex has been easier was because that relationship started disintegrating in January, when I chose to accept a job in the midst of America’s breadbasket.
I’ve been spending some time with the “elephants dressed as donkeys” (Sharpton’s comment). I really am not sure. There are a few people I can knock off of my radar pretty quickly – a few of the guys just seem like typical good ole boy politicians, and I think s.g.’s right about Moseley Braun – she isn’t much electable. I think part of that has to do with her double race/gender bind, but most of it has to do with the fact that 1) she’s got small potatoes experience, more or less (not that that would necessarily hamstring a man, but to be realistic, women do have to at least doubly prove themselves); 2) her opinions seem generic – positive, but generic; and 3) I don’t think she can raise the money for running. As for the rest of them, it’s funny to read s.g’s comments about Kucinich (if I spelled that right) – I like him. He’s good, Kerry’s good, Dean is interesting. Those are the three I’ve been convinced to look into further. Sharpton interests me mostly because he does more or less say whatever is on his mind. I think some of it is true, and some of it is inflammatory (and the latter I dislike), but he’s more upfront than politicians typically are.
I am going to try an experiment – once I’ve read more on the candidates I am most interested in, I am going to try writing them (email, if their websites offer it) and see what kind of response I get. Just curious. I like to write letters, so it should be interesting. I have a year to figure out how people get involved in politics in America’s Siberia, and I will be exploring the feminist fringe, as soon as I find it.
On other notes, I understand the hollowness s.g.’s describing when she talks about sex without caring. I can’t imagine fucking someone I didn’t respect – well, I can, but it doesn’t work! If I just want to orgasm, I can do that on my own, or with toys. They’re cheaper and ask less of you than a fuck buddy. And, gee, despite the Catholic upbringing (thankful to be in recovery), no guilt! Sex is often overrated as “an expression of love,” or some other poetic bullshit. Sex should be fun, physically enjoyable, and comforting, in the aspect of physical closeness and touching. But I don’t see how doing it with someone meaningless can be good.
I think that sex is somewhat of a window – sometimes the act itself clarifies a relationship. It allows you a space to see between the “lines” of life. Being naked in bed with someone, lying in one another’s arms post-coitus, languidly discussing whatever comes to mind, seems to me to be a telling moment. How easy is it and how comfortable? At this moment, with your defenses down (and no shield of clothing), how are things?
I have, recently, been well fucked. The funny thing is that the relationship, with its roller coaster ups and downs, that was recorded in the early days of this blog, finally broke down completely. It turns out that when you take two people who have a history of poor communication and separate them by 1500 miles, add in two face-to-face visits in the course of 7 months, plus new jobs and lives for both, you end up with no relationship. It degenerates to a level below your average friendship. So, as the realization, recognition, and disintegration of that was going on, someone new showed up on my radar. Someone I had an enjoyable, fun, comfortable time with. Someone that I wanted to look good for, in datelike fashion, but whom I didn’t need to be at my girliest for.
So, in less esoteric description – I met someone new. I did not break up with the ex because of the new person, but meeting someone who is a potential can sometimes force realizations. Since we’re into initials, we’ll call him g. (gq? Maybe. I like him.)
Funny fact though – he’s a few years older and has the added complication of being a single father. His kid doesn’t seem freaked out by me, but she may once it really sinks in that this isn’t a quick fling (I’m pretty sure it isn’t). How’s that for complicated? Hey, no one ever claimed that I would make my life easy and seamless.
I do keep wondering if things have gone “too fast,” as if there are any sort of reliable timetables for meeting, falling for, and getting involved with a person – or for getting over a person you were with at one point. My recent realization has been that one of the reasons that getting over the ex has been easier was because that relationship started disintegrating in January, when I chose to accept a job in the midst of America’s breadbasket.
04 November 2003
If you can love a womanizer, you can love a man with a toupee. And it isn’t about love at this point anyway – it’s about connection, having fun, enjoying a person’s company, respecting them, and utmost, feeling comfortable in your own skin when you are with him. If I were you, I would definitely mention the self-tanner. Ugh. Why bother?
Okay, again for the promised update:
I got a job. I need to change that profile. I’m in the high-rolling business of historic preservation now, after having moved to America’s Siberia. I know sg’s complaining that it’s 80. On the 22nd of October, it was 70 degrees. On the 23rd of October, it was 50 degrees. On the 24th of October, it was 30 degrees, and it hasn’t been above since. We’ve had 6 inches of snow in the last 24 hours, I had my first great experience digging Gertie (my car) out from under the plow drifts, and I’ve gotten out the snow boots, as well as the rest of the gear. Winter hath come. On the plus side, I did finally get the dent in my car fixed (dinged in a parking lot last March, couldn’t open the driver’s side door all the way, total ghetto car.) After I explained to the body shop guy that I just wanted to be able to open the door all the way, and that I truly didn’t care what the car looked like (Gertie has a beautiful soul...), he just pulled the dent out with a neat little car-guy tool and sent me on my merry, snowy way. Fantastic. I love it when scheduled adult things end up being mostly painless!
Remember when Jeff (his name is Jeff, isn’t it) told you that you’re really looking for your best friend in dates/potential mates? I.e. – you want to date me and I want to date you? I’m thinking he may be right. I don’t know why the freak-o, I never got over role playing, I still own swords and have no social skills dudes are attracted to you. But in general, you find men that are, in some way, unavailable. They are unwilling to committ. “What makes you hot? Something that you want but you haven’t got...” They dance out of your reach at every possible step of the game. THAT’S ME. I tend to attract the relatively stable, interested in long-term committment, want to be sweet and romantic types that are cute at first and then seem clingy and overbearing, mainly because I’m committment-phobic. THAT’S YOU! We both just need to dyke out and move closer together. Lesbianism as the solution to the world’s problems – or at least to dating dilemmas. But actually, we lived together, and I don’t think that is the solution to anything, regardless of how much we’ve both grown up since then.
Okay, again for the promised update:
I got a job. I need to change that profile. I’m in the high-rolling business of historic preservation now, after having moved to America’s Siberia. I know sg’s complaining that it’s 80. On the 22nd of October, it was 70 degrees. On the 23rd of October, it was 50 degrees. On the 24th of October, it was 30 degrees, and it hasn’t been above since. We’ve had 6 inches of snow in the last 24 hours, I had my first great experience digging Gertie (my car) out from under the plow drifts, and I’ve gotten out the snow boots, as well as the rest of the gear. Winter hath come. On the plus side, I did finally get the dent in my car fixed (dinged in a parking lot last March, couldn’t open the driver’s side door all the way, total ghetto car.) After I explained to the body shop guy that I just wanted to be able to open the door all the way, and that I truly didn’t care what the car looked like (Gertie has a beautiful soul...), he just pulled the dent out with a neat little car-guy tool and sent me on my merry, snowy way. Fantastic. I love it when scheduled adult things end up being mostly painless!
Remember when Jeff (his name is Jeff, isn’t it) told you that you’re really looking for your best friend in dates/potential mates? I.e. – you want to date me and I want to date you? I’m thinking he may be right. I don’t know why the freak-o, I never got over role playing, I still own swords and have no social skills dudes are attracted to you. But in general, you find men that are, in some way, unavailable. They are unwilling to committ. “What makes you hot? Something that you want but you haven’t got...” They dance out of your reach at every possible step of the game. THAT’S ME. I tend to attract the relatively stable, interested in long-term committment, want to be sweet and romantic types that are cute at first and then seem clingy and overbearing, mainly because I’m committment-phobic. THAT’S YOU! We both just need to dyke out and move closer together. Lesbianism as the solution to the world’s problems – or at least to dating dilemmas. But actually, we lived together, and I don’t think that is the solution to anything, regardless of how much we’ve both grown up since then.