You say treated like he treated you when you first went out. Let's just clarify for the general reading public that you were treated well on exactly one first date. Period. End of story.
I hope you mean what you say, but I still say get out of the mess and stay out of the mess. He will never honestly confess his issues to you. Most guys -- and correct me, Mark, if I'm wrong -- don't like to discuss these types of things. Some guys will talk with you about their personal "stuff," but in my experience, only once they know you well. We spend 20 years teaching them to be stoic and then expect them to be open? Doesn't work.
Okay, so last comment on the subject: DO NOT PUT YOUR EGGS IN SOMEONE ELSE'S BASKET. One of my coworkers insists on driving most of the time because, as he puts it, no one else cares about his safety as much as he does. No one else cares about your eggs like you do. Some guy you met online does not care about your eggs like you do. Keep your eggs close. Guard them (we could make some good female comments about eggs and penetration of eggs, but let's just leave the metaphor open and not beat it to a pulp.)
Off to meet a puppy and have lunch.
27 October 2004
It's Armageddon, I'm telling you. Boston just went up 3-0 in the Top of the 3rd, and if they win tonight, THEY WIN. The Curse will officially be over. Need more proof? I kissed a girl last night, breaking a two year drought. It's DEFINITELY Armageddon. Still not convinced? I can now honestly say I have a positive online dating experience. IT'S FRICKIN' ARMAGEDDON.
Kate, you're pretty much right. Guys aren't really going to discuss their issues unless they're trying to drive you away or set you up for the old "but he opens up to ME, not those other girls" manuever. OR, they feel like they like you and/or trust you enough to just be honest. Besides, telling someone your weaknesses puts you at their mercy.
So... any final election thoughts? After tomorrow, I'll be in Las Vegas for Halloween, and I get back at 1AM Election Day. Let's hope I'm sober enough to use the new-fangled touch screens.
Kate, you're pretty much right. Guys aren't really going to discuss their issues unless they're trying to drive you away or set you up for the old "but he opens up to ME, not those other girls" manuever. OR, they feel like they like you and/or trust you enough to just be honest. Besides, telling someone your weaknesses puts you at their mercy.
So... any final election thoughts? After tomorrow, I'll be in Las Vegas for Halloween, and I get back at 1AM Election Day. Let's hope I'm sober enough to use the new-fangled touch screens.
26 October 2004
Sorry, one last question:
You have a history or habit of meeting a guy (and this is ONLY true for guys with you), deciding he is a nice person, believing it against all evidence to the contrary, and letting him walk all over you while you give him second chance after second chance to "be the person you know he can be".
How's that working for you?
You have a history or habit of meeting a guy (and this is ONLY true for guys with you), deciding he is a nice person, believing it against all evidence to the contrary, and letting him walk all over you while you give him second chance after second chance to "be the person you know he can be".
How's that working for you?
Okay, it's good to have you back, but WTF???
Allow me to quote:
"i hesitate here with chris because im sure theres a great person there, someone who has so much potential to be amazing and kind and everything else. id hate to just write him off without a second glance...what would that say about me as a person?"
It says you're a total dumbass about boys. Not to put to fine a point on it. The key phrase here, emphasis added by me in the quote above: potential. It's not about potential. You don't date someone hoping that he will become a good person. He has to start off that way. Okay, not true. There are tons of stupid men and women who delude themselves into thinking that this s.o., despite his/her problems, will turn into a great person like magic, just because of the influence of love. Bull-shit.
It's one thing to go through a rough patch with someone you know and love. I'm still friends with both of you, but there have been times where we've not spoken for one reason or another. (For the record, living with someone you're not speaking to is tough.) To wait around for someone to get his life together, and then make him "pay" for treating you like shit while he was having a tough time is, as Mark said, one of the worst possible ways to start off a relationship. He will never be able to pay-in-full his emotional "debt" to you. You get to be a martyr to "love" or whatever the fuck it is, and hold it over his head forever. You're keeping score. You can't keep score in love. It's like no crying in baseball -- a hard and fast rule. Once you start keeping score, it's over. If you had something, and one or both (it does take two to tango) of you damage it, you might be able to fix it. You and Chris have nothing but bad feelings and b.s. between you right now. Clean break. Mark's right -- you keeping giving him chances to hurt you, so right now, all your pain and confusion is your fault. Yours. No one else's. Chris has let you know, even if not in so many words, that he's not ready, not interested, not whatever. You aren't listening.
Pay attention to him, to yourself, and stop being his whipping boy. You do deserve someone who wants to be with you. You do deserve someone who treats you with kindness, respect, and caring -- ESPECIALLY at the beginning of the relationship when you're trying to make a good impression! If a guy treats you like crap at the "getting to know you" stage, isn't it pretty clear that it's only going downhill from there? Familiarity breeds contempt, to a degree, no matter how much consideration there is. Until you believe that you deserve someone decent, you're going to keep attracting idiots like Chris.
Allow me to quote:
"i hesitate here with chris because im sure theres a great person there, someone who has so much potential to be amazing and kind and everything else. id hate to just write him off without a second glance...what would that say about me as a person?"
It says you're a total dumbass about boys. Not to put to fine a point on it. The key phrase here, emphasis added by me in the quote above: potential. It's not about potential. You don't date someone hoping that he will become a good person. He has to start off that way. Okay, not true. There are tons of stupid men and women who delude themselves into thinking that this s.o., despite his/her problems, will turn into a great person like magic, just because of the influence of love. Bull-shit.
It's one thing to go through a rough patch with someone you know and love. I'm still friends with both of you, but there have been times where we've not spoken for one reason or another. (For the record, living with someone you're not speaking to is tough.) To wait around for someone to get his life together, and then make him "pay" for treating you like shit while he was having a tough time is, as Mark said, one of the worst possible ways to start off a relationship. He will never be able to pay-in-full his emotional "debt" to you. You get to be a martyr to "love" or whatever the fuck it is, and hold it over his head forever. You're keeping score. You can't keep score in love. It's like no crying in baseball -- a hard and fast rule. Once you start keeping score, it's over. If you had something, and one or both (it does take two to tango) of you damage it, you might be able to fix it. You and Chris have nothing but bad feelings and b.s. between you right now. Clean break. Mark's right -- you keeping giving him chances to hurt you, so right now, all your pain and confusion is your fault. Yours. No one else's. Chris has let you know, even if not in so many words, that he's not ready, not interested, not whatever. You aren't listening.
Pay attention to him, to yourself, and stop being his whipping boy. You do deserve someone who wants to be with you. You do deserve someone who treats you with kindness, respect, and caring -- ESPECIALLY at the beginning of the relationship when you're trying to make a good impression! If a guy treats you like crap at the "getting to know you" stage, isn't it pretty clear that it's only going downhill from there? Familiarity breeds contempt, to a degree, no matter how much consideration there is. Until you believe that you deserve someone decent, you're going to keep attracting idiots like Chris.
25 October 2004
The mere fact that you didn't run for the hills screaming or didn't react in a very negative way to him telling you all that crap about his drama and his exes I would say lets him know you're willing to stick it out and wait for him if he ever decides to exercise the option on you. Now I'm not knocking honesty and coming clean, there are points to be gained for that. But if he really wanted to date you, he wouldn't have busted out with the whole drama bit. Worse yet, he tells you about going out KNOWING you can't. That's either real dumb, or just totally insensitive. He might as well breakdance in front of you.
And having him do penance for all this is perhaps the worst way to start a relationship I've ever heard of. Now I could be wrong, this guy might be alright. But I'm thinking you should pay attention to any of the other potentials and let this guy make the effort to come to you. Anyway, best of luck :)
And having him do penance for all this is perhaps the worst way to start a relationship I've ever heard of. Now I could be wrong, this guy might be alright. But I'm thinking you should pay attention to any of the other potentials and let this guy make the effort to come to you. Anyway, best of luck :)