Okay, week of madness. I have much to address.

Firstly, I will defend my thesis in a week! Ack! I have been working on this for more than a year, and writing this since February or March. It's the culmination of a lot of work, and it's exciting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and to think that I could be done.

Secondly, I got my hair cut, and the issue is always overblown. Just figure out what you want and be willing to pay to get it done right, and all is good.

And then issues. There are many of them. This morning I awoke to the sound of a child's voice yelling "Help! Help!" I immediately was concerned. Then I realized it was coming from the direction of the daycare that is 1000 feet away, there were other voices shreiking as well, and there wasn't fear or concern in the voice. But why would daycare workers allow a child to yell "Help!"? Shouldn't someone teach the children that one doesn't yell for help unless it is needed? That's dangerous, as well as annoying. I can only liken it to car alarms. They go off so often that I don't know anyone who pays any attention to them anymore. That's how I feel about the screaming kids around me. One of them could actually be in danger, and I've gotten up to check out so many false alarms that I hardly look anymore. I wish the parents around here would parent. It would make my life nicer, both now and later, when these kids are either my students or employees.

Another issue. I subscribe to the local paper, which is my main source of news. I hate the television news, as it is utterly inane most of the time and I have to sit through stories that don't in the least interest me. With the paper, I can read the headlines and skip the articles I don't want to read. And I admit to skipping many of them because of lack of interest or because I know that they will only anger me. We have to choose our battles because we can't fight everything! So I've ignored most of the stories on Trafficant, but today I got caught up. The man has been a Congressman for a really long time, has been convicted on multiple charges involving fraud and dishonesty, still doesn't admit to having done anything wrong -- and this includes taking kickbacks from his employees' paychecks!!!! -- and being sent to prison for 8 years (well, that's his sentence). Regardless of all of this, he will still receive $37,000 a year in pension from the federal government, which means from the few dollars a year that I pay in taxes, as well as living off of my dollar in his "prison" which I'm willing to bet will be nicer than anything I've ever lived in, including my parents' house. AND, and this is the true kicker, as if the rest wasn't enough to really really piss me off, HE'S RUNNING FOR OFFICE AGAIN. How can this be possible, right, legit, or even conceivable???? How? Something is not right with a system that allows this to happen. But then again, we have a president who commissions studies and investigations and then bases policy on his whims instead of the facts revealed.

Okay, and related but separate, is the UN Bill of Women's Rights (-yes, I know, not the official name, but I've forgotten it). It's been around for year. Countries that are internationally-known for their women's rights and human rights abominations have signed it. We have not. The Bill does not have the power to infringe upon a country's legal system or government. It has little actual power. It's significance is mostly symbolic: We recognize that women deserve humane treatment equal to that given men. We agree that women have rights. These rights should be made law, but this isn't something that can be done quickly or easily, and the actual social treatment of women needs to change before laws will have any say. Laws that discriminate against women, that treat them as less than human, should be abolished. The people who enact them are wrong. We cannot necessarily enforce these beliefs in countries other than our own (and not even in our own) but we support them. The fact that Afganistan signed the bill and we did not could be considered in two ways: Either we could consider that this dilutes the power of such a bill, or that it dilutes our power in pointing out human rights violations, such as Taliban-sanctioned abuses of women. The power inequities in the US are nothing compared to the atrocities that have taken place in other countries, of which Afganistan is a good example, but they exist, and we only point to our inadequacies when we refuse to devote any consideration to such a Bill.

I've made the appointment -- I will be shorn tomorrow morning. Ack!!

Yeah to the lonely, solitary blogger! I can't be in a police car today, unless my alter ego has some nefarious scheme in mind, and then I'd have to sit in the back. But since my life is so alone-like, I am here for the blogging community at large. Sigh.

I must conclude. My thesis, not the inane blog which keeps me from working on it. But what happens when you write 50+ pages and yet do not know what the point was? I cannot conclude that I just wasted my time, or that the reader did, but that's all I can think of right now. Again, sigh, and this time, melodramatically.

As for life, the universe and everything, I have been spared work today. That's good, because as I said over the weekend, I am behind schedule. I also have some company coming in Tuesday night, and should clean up around here. My former roommates all know me for a neat freak, but it's amazing how dirty things can get when you don't have the inclination to clean! And since all the filth is mine, all mine, it doesn't bother me as much. But she'll make fun of me if she sees how gross my kitchen floor has gotten!

Anyway, to anyone out there who is reading, I have a topic of sorts. It is fishy. A spoken word artist named Sarah Jones wrote a hip-hop influenced song entitled "Your Revolution," which lambasts the blatant sexism of mainstream hip hop. It was played on an independant Portland-based radio station, which was subsequently slapped with a $7000 FCC fine. The fine was appealed, but not removed. Jones has since filed a lawsuit against the FCC. The lyrics do include sexual suggestions and terms, but say (my paraphrase and take, no one else's) that a cultural revolution does not involve sex that subjugates half of the population. I agree. Regardless of the lyrics, why should this song be banned when songs like Eminem's "Kim," which graphically describe violence against women, or the latest P. Diddy, where he speaks of needing a girl to "ride, ride, ride," or the song wherein a man says "It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes," and the woman agrees, all be played non-stop on the radio? What motivated the FCC fine? Was it just the lyrics, which include a reference to a blow job? Or was it that a woman cannot speak out against the blatant sexism on our airwaves, a subjugation of women that is accepted and lauded, to the detriment of all of us? Or was it that a song like this would only be played by an independant radio station, who wasn't afraid of losing face with corporate sponsors? The independant media are the last true public bastion of free speech and idea sharing. Are we scared of that, in a corporate run world?

Just wondering. Questioning corporate America might be completely unAmerican, but then, my freedom to do so is inherently American.
If you're reading, and you're interested, check out www.sarahjonesonline.com or www.yourrevolutionisbanned.com. Speak out.

Well, since my real schedule ran out today, I'm still a little behind. I got through, well, okay, just my Friday stuff. Since I've been working on the thesis since January, you think that I'd know by now that everything takes longer. Having to reinstall my printer software wasn't helpful.

Okay, can I go back to a very previous blog? I guess since I'm mostly alone on the blog, I can do whatever I damn well please. Back in my sophomore year of college, my sweet and enlightened roommate got sick of me bitching about my hair (it was a little longer than chin length, I think) and dragged me to the Cut Zoo, a wonderful place with yellow and zebra striped decor, where they charged me $7 to chop off most of my hair. That was what was known as my dyke-chic phase, since the wardrobe that went with my blunt boy-cut consisted of oversized pants, boots, and tank tops. I wore the boots out, but I still have the rest of the wardrobe. Anyway, after getting sick of short hair, mainly getting sick of the constant maintenance which I couldn't afford, I decided to let it grow out. For two years, I just didn't cut my hair. I've now been through a few variations of long and layered, and my hair is a few inches above my bra strap. Not that anyone could tell, since it's always up, usually in a pony tail.

Basically what it comes down to is that I hate having this much hair. It takes me 15-30 minutes to wash and style it in the mornings, if that's what I choose to do. If I don't blow dry it, I have to put it up, and then it's still wet 7 hours later! I have sponge hair. So, I hate my hair. I want to cut it, do something chic and funky (NOT the boy-cut again, I want girly and sexy) but I'm hung up on it. I know that I have nice hair, and it doesn't necessarily look bad long, but I don't like it. So why do I feel like I shouldn't cut it? Because there's some idea that long, flowy locks are sexy, are the defining moment of womanhood. Bullshit! I KNOW that, intellectually. But I can't always make myself believe it. There's a fear factor, like I'll get it cut off and look stupid, but for gods' sakes, it's dead cells and it will grow out if I don't like it! What's the fuss?? Why do I have this belief (erroneous, I know) that this mop on my head could define me? Silly girly shit. Time to get past it -- I'm a woman, now, or working on it.

Chopping it off. Have to, and soon. Be free, head!!

I am already behind schedule. What is the point of a schedule if I am completely incapable of following it??

Well, since you aren't allowed to blog at work anymore, I can see that the blog has died. Sigh.

Anyway, not that anyone reading this would be interested, (and I'm not convinced anyone is reading), but I am finishing my final draft of my thesis this weekend. My goals are as follows:
Finish the final edit of chapters 1-3 today
Write chapter 4, the conclusion, tomorrow
Reedit the whole thing and make the chapter title pages on Sunday
Submit to my committee on Monday
Work on formatting issues, per the grad school rules, next week
Defend 7 Aug

YIKES! That fear of finishing thing is happening. The "what will I do then when this thing that is my life is passed off as complete" fear.

So, back to editing.

Okay, so I can be melodramatic and overwrought. I have been steeped in a Cinderella/fairy tale culture in which there is no room for human frailty and fault within a relationship, especially not a romantic one. I admit that communication is a problem, not just for me, but for my s.o. and for other people I know as well. We have issues, but they are not necessarily life and death issues, and they are not unique to us. I am still not sure that they can be worked out, but I'm again and still willing to give it another chance, to try at it. It just seems like it's a lot of work sometimes. But why shouldn't it be? Keeping myself on track and liking myself are hard enough tasks, and they take work. Why do we have a notion that if you fall in love with someone that everything should work out blissfully perfectly? Why do we perpetuate this falsehood? People are fallible pains in the ass, and I include myself among them. Frequently we cannot see past our own needs and desires enough to see other people clearly -- not just lovers, but friends and family too.

I probably just shouldn't drink, but sometimes I think that I do it (as unwise as this may be) to dull the confusion enough that I can think. An inbred habit, I guess. Besides, can you call a very small two shots of tequila binge drinking? Or three glasses of wine? Well, maybe, with my tolerance level, but still....

Christ on the fucking cross and dripping blood, he was human and he needed to be loved, right? Savior complex aside, we all need human love, not just divine, if there is such a thing. Damn it, is it too much to fucking ask that we might have "the ghost of a chance we can find someone to love"? Okay, so maybe mixing Morrissey and Rush isn't right, but you get the point, right?

Actually, it's more than love that we all need. I need emotional support, I need to talk and be heard, I need to be spoken to and shared with, and I need to listen, to hear another human being's soul, dreams, hopes and fears, to connect and be able to continue that connection. Instead, I am "speaking" to the internet community and to my blogger compatriot through my keyboard. I don't care how good friends you are, face-to-face communication is a requirement in a person's life. We cannot exist by voice and typed word alone. It isn't possible.

Gods above, I have no idea what I'm trying to say. There are so many thoughts and words inside my head that I'm having writers' constipation. I just don't understand how communication can be so difficult. We have to learn how to do it, obviously, and we aren't really taught it at any given point, so how do we learn? We fuck up over and over, and hopefully eventually learn from our mistakes. I know that I am unable to verbally acknowledge and express my needs sometimes, leaving me alone to deal with issues. Apparently I can be confrontational in my speech patterns, sometimes unwillingly so. Sometimes this is because I believe strongly in what I have to say, sometimes I think it is pure accident. Instead of recognizing this as a character trait, my s.o. sees this as direct confrontation, which isn't really useful. I don't realize when I do it, and it tends to shut him down. Useful communication skills: Being able to stop conversations you wanted to have, unintentionally.

Oooo. I'm feeling all floaty. I like tequila. Yeah, I know, turning to alcohol to "deal" with problems is so not my style, but I'm not being rational here. I sick and fucking tired of being fucking rational. Where has it gotten me? Well, to the west coast, to a university graduate program, to a thesis under an advisor who obviously doesn't think that my work is worth reading, since he hasn't, into an unworkable thesis situation that I cannot get out of, into debt to Uncle Sam, to student family housing where the kids are loud and the square footage is cheap, to 3000 miles away from most of my friends, into a relationship that, no matter how I figure it, just isn't working.

How is it not working? Well, communication-wise, really. I made a few mistakes. The first, I think, was getting involved in a serious relationship while trying to write my thesis, which is time and mind consuming. The second was choosing an original topic and then finding out that it had already been done. The third was sort of hydra-headed, moving into my own apartment, sans roommates, just as I quit taking classes full time. Too much time on my hands meant too much time spent with him and setting a strangely co-dependant precedent which I don't seem to be able to break. We have issues when we go about our normal routines, yes, but who doesn't? But when we break routines, meaning we don't talk or see one another for a day or a few, things seem to break down. I think about him, just being with him, being able to tell him what I've been up to, and sexually, too. But then it seems like I'm setting myself up for disappointment, like thinking out a vacation in detail in advance, and then being disappointed when it turns out differently. Not bad, really, just so different from your expectations that you can't relate the two and therefore cannot enjoy yourself. And I'm the original advocate for taking things as they come and not prethinking everything! Fuck me, I can't even follow my own fucking advice.

Why is it that I cannot communicate with this man I love? And yeah, though I can't really define love, I do love him. I don't even mean to, it makes me too vulnerable to exactly this: when things between us do not go well, I cannot put it from my mind until it is resolved. I can't help thinking about just what I might be able to do to make it right between us again. Big problem or small, I can't let it go without resolution. And I guess I feel like a gullible shit because I'm thinking about it and I'm just positive that he's going on with his daily life, tripping happily through the daisies, either thinking it will work itself out mysteriously or not caring.

Dude, me and Morrissey, we're going celibate and abstinent and lonely for fucking life. It's just easier that way. And I want no lines about taking the easy way out. Shouldn't something in life be easy right now?

ok lets see now. ok, it is fixed. how bizzare! how bizzare, how bizzare! sorry, i just had to do that song. anyways, as for major flirt, we have been emailing this week. i sometimes get a little freaky freaky from the emails. i wonder if he is trying to say things to me he thinks i want to hear. i am not sure. he has said he would be honest and forthright but then again, look who is saying that! never trust a cheater, right?! the other day i did email him and said that i got the feeling that he thought he had the upper hand but that i thought that wasnt true as he may have underestimated me. he responded by saying he didnt feel that way or that i had the upper hand either. who knows. i am just trying to let him know that i know things and that i am not dumb and will not have my head turned so easily. hopefully he has figured that out. if not, then he is a moron. what else can i say to let him know he aint bagging this babe any time soon if ever at all.

but this leads me into a blog topic. trust in a relationship is hard enough without dealing with an alleged liar and cheat. as you can imagine you start becoming very paranoid about everything he says and what he really means, etc. you start analyzing everything and wondering what his motivation is. this problem of course makes my whole issue about believing people when they say nice things about me a very difficult one. i typically dont believe people when they say that i am attractive or that they like me and other such things like that. whether this is a self-esteem issue where i dont think i should be loved or this is an issue about having been burned by listening to that stuff before (don juan john) i have no idea. perhaps it is both together. i do have hangups about how anyone could love me if i am not physically perfect, etc. which of course come into play here as well. i mean, even if he is just out for booty, why my booty? there are other much more attractive booties than mine out there. which makes me wonder if i am merely a mark. and if i am a mark then what has made me one? i am so paranoid at this point, but perhaps for good reason. so anyways, at this point i dont know if what he has said or emailed is believable. which of course makes it hard to bond with a person, although, yes, there is a question of whether i should be bonding with this person or not, i know. anyways, i have been called away from this so many times that i have lost my train of thought, dammit! anyways, so have you ever felt this way? or am i just impaired?!

funny though, that despite all of these issues rattling around in my head, i still really want to talk to him and be alone with him, etc. like today, he is here for some meeting and when he has been over here there have been ten billion other people around who have engaged him in conversation. i find myself getting very pissy about these people keeping him from chatting with me. isnt that so crazy?! and today, because of the meeting, he is in plain clothes, which means pants, shirt, and tie. his tie is hiddeous as it is gold, but he is looking good today! oh, i hate his shoes as well. but other than that, looking good. its nice to see him out of uniform for a change. oh, but back to the conversations, as he is talking to people he will insert little references to me from conversations we have had that only i would know. its sort of cute, like a game. but anyways, so for a brief second this morning when i first saw him in plain clothes i was like totally hot for him. damn, there goes my train of thought.

well, i will chat on about what else with him has happened this week and perhaps i will remember what i wanted to say. so anyways, he has been coming over here all week just to see me. he has no other reason to be over here. thats kind of nice and cute and makes a girl feel powerful. and, he has been calling me here at work in the afternoons. we'll chat for like a half hour and everything. all of this behaviour of course makes me feel like i in fact have the upper hand here, but then again if i am getting irritated when other people talk to him or if he isnt as chatty personal with me as he had been this week and i find myself trying to be in a place alone where he can come and chat with me, then it seems like he has some power in this deal too if i am being a goober over him. so, anyways, thats the deal this week. i think he made mention of talking outside of work and while not in police mode sometime next week so what that means i do not know. the slight distance this morning makes me wonder if he is finally figuring out that i am pretty with it. and i bet he is dying to have that conversation where i tell him that i know he has a wife AND a girlfriend. i so cant wait for that conversation, it will be so much fun. and amy cant wait either, as she wishes she could videotape his reaction to what i say! it will definently be a kodak moment thats for damn sure!

ah, but back to trust, which really cant be established until THE conversation, i think the only way i would trust him is if he either is straightup honest with me or if he denies things, if he can prove what he says is true. i dont think that is unreasonable for me to demand in this case, do you?! trust sometimes has to be earned and in this situation i think he has a long road to hoe to truly earn my trust. i am usually an overtrusting person but in this case i know better, and knowing is half the battle. gi joe!

ah, but i just remembered what i wanted to mention. thinking of manipulation, it finally dawned on me the other day that he had been a detective for many years and he mentioned on the phone that he worked in vice. i had mentioned that i didnt want to be a lawyer because that means being a salesman, well, he said that being a cop is also being a salesman in that you have to convince people they want to tell you everything and that they really want to go to jail. he got me totally laughing when he pretended to be talking to a child molester and was trying to convince the guy that he too felt that way about kids. while i was laughing he said, hey you cant laugh when you do this, you have to really make the guy think you believe what you are saying. so, after this conversation it makes me wonder if he is using these detective techniques on me to try and sell me on him. i think i have good reason to be cautious about this. perhaps i will ask him about that. give him yet another hint that i am no dummy. he should have gotten the clue that i am shrewd, but who knows. so i guess we are fairly evenly matched here, i have my litigator lawyer skillz and he has detective interrogation skillz. he hasnt met a chick like me yet so if he thinks he is gonna break me he is mistaken! although i am at a disadvantage because i so have no poker face and i have told him as much. so, any future face to face conversations we have about anything interesting should be fairly interesting. sparks should fly which means that either i will totally loathe him or fall completely for him. but really, when i think about it, we do have much in common. kinda weird. which of course makes me wonder about that salon.com article about the mistress. how she felt that she had perhaps met a soulmate but just at the wrong time. i'm sure that happens, i mean, i did meet jonathan right before he blew his brains out, but then again he is my john kennedy as you so shrewdly put it. if i write a novel that is going to be my first line! i think its a great first line, draws em in. but anyways, no i am not trying to convince myself that major flirt is my soulmate, no siree, we just get along like peas and carrots, which is true. now why that is i dont know, maybe he is a puppetmaster or maybe we just get along. can you see how i am totally overthinking all of this! but i guess overthinking is better than not thinking at all!

ah, but i just thought about how i can be a goofball. i have major flirt's pager number and since he is in a horrible meeting he doesnt want to be in i thought i could page him with some odd number like 666 or something. although i cant think of anything clever. if i only knew what the numbers looked like then i could make words with numbers, you know what i mean. say something goofy. anyways, i'm not feeling clever enough today so perhaps some other time. plus i would feel slightly weird paging him for any reason, you know what i mean? i asked him over email what i was supposed to do with his pager number and he said just in case i needed to call him or whatever. i'm like, yeah, whatever, its for booty calls isnt it? i of course didnt ask him that but thats what i suspect. perhaps i am being too rough on this guy, but then again...

anyways, i should end this blog. i am sure you are getting tired of hearing me ramble on about major flirt. but then again thats the most exciting thing going on right now so i shouldnt feel too badly about that. you have your thesis and i have a lying cheating romeo on my hands. my life has always been drama, but then again i'm only happy when it rains, i'm only happy when its complicated. which is so true! when it comes to the spice of life i douse it on! hot and dangeorus that's how i like my men... ok, i am getting goofy now! i shall away. hope the meeting goes well! later skater!

well you go girl! blast that prison sex! that song is only good if it is blasted! i love that fucking song! it always makes me feel good to rage a little every now and then. right now i am going through a little femi-angst raging and am listening to lauryn hill. damn, i think i mispelled that. "respect is just a minimum..." i love her! but yeah, i would not call those procreators parents, they are merely animals who spawn. thats why i get so mad at courts who give children to biological "parents" because those people havent raised, in many cases, the kid and arent really parents in the true sense of the word. children in these battles should go to the person who acts as the best parent whether there are biological ties or not. but alas, we shall not blog anymore about the law as i have gotten enough of that for a while and will be getting more in the upcoming months.

as for boring, i am glad to hear it is going so well. yeah, those special teachers are rare. i am still to this day very thankful for my last swim coach, steve, as he basically taught me to be a highly moral person. i have thought about writing him a letter or something to tell him what i am up to and to thank him but i just havent done it yet. i actually did manage to find out where he is coaching now so i could send a letter if i wanted to. perhaps when i am more maudlin or whatever i will do so. i think he would appreciate it. but its cool to hear all of the things you are learning to do. sounds like you will be having a very educational and productive summer. i so dig home improvement and construction type stuff. i have watched so many of those shows on tv that i feel, whether i could or not, i feel like i could do so much of that stuff myself. perhaps one day when i get an actual abode that i own and can make changes to i will see if i really can improve my home myself.

as for your paper and the committee, i hope it all goes well for you. i cant imagine how i would feel if i had spent so long agonizing over a damn thesis or whatever its called only to have it totally gutted. hopefully that will not happen. i have read some of it and it was very tight and good. of course i am a mere police recruit and no longer a part of the collegiate intelligensia so i dont know what they want or are looking for. i'm sure things will be ok and you will get out of there before you die! but hey, dont rush out into adult life on your own, ease into it. its tough out here sometimes, although things with me seem to be going ok for a change. but i do have to say that that initial entry into "your real life" is tough, or at least it was for me. i spent a whole wasted year crying and wanting to die whilst living in a 8X6 dorm room which wasnt my own. but i am confident that you will weather the storm much better than i did!

as for losing your mind at 25, hey at least you arent greying and, get this, have the beginnings of crows feet! yes, i have these tiny lines at the edge of my eyes. jesus h christ, i am obviously getting old here. how did this happen?! first i lose that youthful spark and zest for life, then my hair goes, and now i am getting lines. and lets not forget the sagging. i can so now understand all of those youthful looking women who rant on and on about aging because it is finally happening to me! i never thought i would be oone of THOSE women, but alas i am. and i have to say, kt, your time is coming! just you wait!

as for major flirt, no, i will not stop, drop, and roll on top of him! geez! like i have said, my head is way in the game, probably more than any other part of my body. oh, but that reminds me! this is so susan and goofy you wont even believe. anyways, i listen to 99X in the mornings with barnes, leslie, and jimmie and this morning they had tom glavine (atlanta braves pitcher, btw) on. he is usually on sometime during the week to talk about baseball or whatever but now they have changed his bit so that he gives out advice to callers who call in with a problem. anyways, i heard this and i just happened to be sitting on my bed right next to the phone so for a joke i called, never thinking i would ever get on. well, i did!!! so there i am on the radio asking tom glavine about dating a married older man at work! barnes chimed in and said he was probably out for a piece of ass and tom of course said that it probably wasnt a good idea and that there are a bunch of unmarried guys out there much easier than this situation. and thats it. it was like less than a minute and a total blur but i actually got advice about major flirt from tom fucking glavine on the fucking radio! i of course did not mention his name or where i worked or anything. how goofy is that! now i can tell major flirt that tom glavine said i shouldnt get involved with him! i wonder what he would say about that?!

fuck me, somehow i have managed to hit something somewhere that makes me type over things if i go back to change things... i think i will post this and then come back and hopefully it will be fixed... brb!

Dude, 7:30 is totally a psycho bedtime. But hey, your schedule has never been normal. Not that I can talk. I'm currently not talking to my boyfriend because he's not slept more than a few hours each night and is beyond cranky. I almost can't talk to him without getting into an argument. Which would be okay, I guess, or dealable, if it weren't a reoccuring problem.

Speaking of reoccuring problems, I'm currently blasting, and I do mean blasting music to drown out the kids shrieking outside. Little fucking bastards and their fucking useless limp dishrag parents. Can I call them parents? They don't parent. Let's call them "keepers." This morning I blasted Dave Matthews Band, an old CD, just because it was in the player. This evening I dug out the Tool CD. I don't think I own much else that could warrant a parental warning sticker. Tori would probably annoy them, too, but I like the idea of blasting Prison Sex as a revenge tool. No pun intended, no intent behind it, other than that it could be considered offensive, and I want to offend as much as possible. I have no rights here! Fuck. I am totally trapped in situations beyond my control in which I cannot do what I feel is necessary and/or right. Fuck. And once again, for good measure, FUCK.

So, anyway, my days in Boring were spent learning the secrets of construction. I know that I'm a nerd, but when I can be outside, doing something which will create a finished product, and learning something in the process, I'm in. Totally and completely. I watched the pouring of a concrete slab, though I didn't offer much help there, got to learn to use a ground compactor (weird equipment), and helped frame out and deck over a basement. This studio is going to be amazing once it's done, a great place for woodworking, and it will befit the man who designed it and is building it for himself. He's one of those teachers that one will never forget.

Okay, and speaking of other things, well, now I can't remember what I wanted to say. I'm losing my mind at age 25.

I have to meet with my thesis committee, or most of it, tomorrow. Yikes. I have two meetings in the afternoon, and I'm seriously freaking out. I have worked so hard on this, and I don't know how much it will be gutted tomorrow. At least one of the committee members I'm meeting with always has constructive criticism and guidance to offer. Phew. I could get out of here someday. Right? I could?

Nah, fuck your six. Well, not literally. Seriously, though, how is flirting un-feminist? The point I got out of feminist philosophy was that for too long women have been valued only for our physical qualities. Flirting, unless it's the lambada or the dance floor grind, is more of a mental thing. Not quite intellectual exactly, but thoughtful, at least. Flirting is the safest sexual intercourse there is, unless you do it with some complete psycho that ends up stalking you (or worse). I don't think maj. flirt sounds like that kind of dude. Though, if he shows tendencies, STOP, DROP, and ROLL, but not on top of him.

Hmmm. I had more to say. The paper pissed me off this morning, aroused my ire to say the least, but I don't feel like writing about it right now. Maybe more later.

wow, a whole 4 days without a post. needless to say things have gotten very interesting around this place lately. apparently all it takes to lure in major flirt is an email, who knew? so i sent him a goofy teasing email, got an interesting response, sent another, and got another interesting response. to be honest, they seem to get less and less clever as time goes by. lookin for a quickie? that aint gonna happen dude. there is a very good chance he has underestimated me to quite an extent. but alas, we shall see. if nothing else he is an interesting person to chat with and goof about with so thats cool. but frankly, i hope he doesnt think he's gonna quickly bag this babe with some dope lines or anything. you'd think that after talking to me for quite a while today that he would get that understanding about me. but then again, who knows how clever this guy really is. perhaps its all a facade. then again, what isnt a facade when it comes to people.

but anyways, so he came around this morning and actually stood here and chatted quite a bit. he also slipped me his private email address so that the emails arent as easily read by the Man. yeah, they are pretty sly around here and apparently check stuff like that sometimes, at least the company emails. so i tooled around a bit after that and then the internet went out. so basically i had nothing at all to do whatsoever. so i studied some of the police codes and things i need to learn before academy. and of course, looking for an excuse to email him, i emailed and asked about a code i was curious about. he responded that he would call me to explain. so he called and we actually chatted for about 30 to 40 minutes or so. i am very good over the phone and on email so the conversation went well. he actually started telling me things, like gossipy things, about some people here. i was very surprised to hear that. then again, it shouldnt surprise me about his loose lips considering his other loose qualities. and naturally, i keep hinting about the things i have heard about him, etc. he will ask me what i have heard but alas i will not tell him. so, he knows i have reconnoitered him to an extent and know something, but other than that, he doesnt know much. i think i will keep all the info i know about him up my sleeve for now. here is probably not the place to pull that rabbit out of that hat if ya know what i mean! i cant wait to see how he reacts and what he says to me. if he tries to lie and shit i will not be a happy camper. thats one thing people should know, dont fucking lie to me because i will either know you are doing it or i will find out soon after. i remember everything people tell me that is juicy and i have busted people in the past who have had two different stories about something. although it happens sometimes, i am human afterall, not much gets by me. i am so steel trap, man! and needless to say, i am on my guard hardcore with this guy. its funny, this is the most my brain has been engaged and involved when it comes to an affair of the heart. yes, pun intended, although there is no affair yet, if ever at all.

so what am i doing with this dude anyways? i honestly dont know for sure. all i know is that i enjoy his company and the goofy flirting that goes on. its fun to flirt sometimes, ya know? i know that is a somewhat un-feminist thing to say perhaps, but it is really true. and yeah, i have thought about all the psychological stuff this could be about, and maybe thats what it is. but basically i have adopted a guarded and careful on my toes lets wait and see approach to this entire situation. afterall, when you're playing with fire as my recruit friend has said, you have to take things slow and be careful. true dat, true dat. so, i shall keep everyone updated as to the ongoing saga. too bad kt is in Boring right now. although honestly thats where i am every day. i would love to get her reaction. i can hear her saying it now. i know, i know, kt, watch out and be careful. i'm watching and i got people watching my six. well, we shall see...

I always have to pee in the morning -- probably the coffee, really. But then, I have a small bladder, too. I think we've just got more stuff around our bladders than men. I know that the three or four days before my period I have to pee practically every half hour.

I don't know, but besides KT I don't think any other nickname has ever really stuck to me, barring the stupid cutesy things parents call you every once in a while. Am I just not a nickname kind of person? What makes someone a nickname-worthy person?

I am absolutely scared shitless about contacting my thesis committee. My advisor really isn't much of one, so I've had no feedback as yet on the fourty pages I've turned in to him. But I finished chapter three last night, have corrections to type in this morning, and then I've got to get a hold of everyone and deliver. All I have left to do are the intro and conclusion, which I'm not doing until I get feedback, and the pictures, which I'm working on. Have to update the bibliography, too. But the way it's supposed to work is that you write, you meet with your advisor, you discuss. He's supposed to read it and give me feedback so that I can change things, make it better, and then give it to the rest of the committee -- a fourth draft, rather than a third. But I get no feedback, and I found out at the end of the last term that he still didn't know what my topic was! What kind of bullshit is that? I don't have much of a choice, though. And I can't even explain to the rest of the committee, because that's unpolitic for academics, and my advisor controls my destiny. Total suckage.

Well, I should go do that, shouldn't I? I will remember to resend chapter two to you, and now chapter three, as well. But later today.

Peace out, pitstop.

well seems like blogger is being freaky again so lord only knows what things look like now. i tried to put up the archives but who has a clue to whether or not it actually worked?! lets cross our fingers!

well, looks like i have earned a new nickname around here, pitstop. while we were driving to bfe i so had to pee it wasnt funny. i mean, like serious pain and everything. i was following the other guys and the lt. who was in the lead and i just had to exit and stop to pee. i did it all quickly and figured i would catch up to them, no prob, since he had given us all direction to this place. anyways, i get back on the road and end up zooming by them as they had stopped to wait for me. of course all the way back in the crown vic i got teased about it. i so didnt want to stop because i knew i would get shit for it, especially being a chick i didnt want to stop (you know all the chick bladder comments...) but i just had to make an executive decision. anyways, i suppose pitstop is better than or just as bad as cooter, my lawschool nickname. arent friends great?!

good point about the flirtation and harassment...in this case it is flirtation. as for the haiku, you cant take poetic license with a strict form of poetry like haiku! thats like saying you are going to write like shakespeare in iambic pentameter but then you just freestyle it! that is cheating and its wrong! if i can manage a haiku in its proper form, so can you!

well, i am here at hq at 7am today, an hour earlier, because i am supposed to help drive down some new cop cars to get their lights put on. but alas, nobody else is here! pisses me off! just figures doesnt it!

The word would be heterogeneity, but that would mean diverse, so I think you want homogeneity. I think those are spelled correctly.

I agree that monogamy is suspect, but I'm a practicing advocate of serially monogamy. Okay, so there aren't many stages in my history, but I don't get around too much by choice. I couldn't carry on two or more relationships simultaneously. Sometimes it's hard to carry on several friendships at once! Jealousy does come into play. Thousands of years ago, from what we know, not only did men run around fathering children with many women, the corrolary is that women bore children by many men. Procreation was necessary to the survival of the species, and genetically, polyamory made more sense. But when things were all willy-nilly sex, only women were sure who their children were. Enter property and a stable lifestyle, and you have a reason for men to want to know who their children are -- to pass the land on to. Hence the empahsis on feminine purity and chastity. But I do wonder about jealousy. I would wonder, if, in hunter gatherer societies, food was shared equally? Because if you gathered only for your family, and men hunted only for theirs, wouldn't you want to know who the father of your children was so that you could demand your share of his pterodactyl steaks?

Ducks mate for life, as do several other species. It is the exception, rather than the norm, I believe, but it happens.

Do you ever have something really important happen, and then eventually you get to tell all of the important people in your life, but some of them get to hear it twice because you forget that you told them? I think being more specially with one person is about having that one person that you tell everything, or almost everything. You should love more than one person, but having one partner in life, often someone you sleep with, is somewhat special. I know that that's been pounded into my mind by our society at large, but it's there nonetheless. I am not less of a person when I am on my own, but being with that one special person enhances certain things. In a way, that's true of your really good friends, too.

I was one syllable off in the haiku. Poetic license.

Sexual flirtation and sexual harassment, as you know, are two very different animals. One is unwanted. The other is reciprocal. Major difference, pun intended. Off to finish chapter 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

as for your haiku, if you had the correct 5-7-5 in there i would have no problem. and unless i am mentally retarded right now, which is possible, the last line is missing a syllable!

as for your post, kind of a funny opposite of mine, although i still do not believe in casual sex, that was not at all what i was suggesting we women do, although i am wondering if perhaps i should think about that too. there seems to be a difference between being a "ho" and fucking every guy you meet and then being a freer woman who fucks only certain guys she meets regardless of whether she is in a "comitted" relationship with him. there is a bit of pickiness involved in the latter i believe. perhaps i will leave this topic for another day seeing as how i have already rambled on for quite a while today.

but i do have to say that i agree with your point about sex and that is one of the reasons why i have no problem sexually harassing the major. the guys cant expect that area to be male dominated forever! pussy power!

well having just read an article about mental illness being real or just a term for socially unacceptable people, i have turned my attention to analysing my feelings about fidelity and monogamy. is monogamy the "right" way to have a romantic relationship or is it, like marriage in my opinion, an outdated and religion-centric view of romance?

sure, there are some very real and important reasons to be monogamous. these reasons include mostly disease prevention and other health related issues. but isnt the real reason we accept monogamy as the norm because that is the chruch's view of romantic love? afterall, the church was the major social entity and rule maker for hundreds of years in both europe and this country. shouldnt we be wary of monogamy with this kind of lineage? if you really think about it from a scientific point of view, monogamy is potentially a dangerous thing genetically. monogamy promotes a genetic heterogeny (is that a word? it sounds good!) instead of the very important genetic diversity that will be what keeps our species healthy and continuingly prolific. afterall, when an individual's genes from his or her parents are too genetically similar, birth defects are the result.

so really, if there are, reproductively speaking, good reasons against monogamy, and only prehistorically religious views for monogamy (assuming of course everyone practices responsible and safe sex to prevent the spread of disease) then why be monogamous? havent we as women only been raised and socialized (aka brainwashed) that monogamy is what we should want? at the same time we have also been raised to believe that marriage is what we should want with 2.4 children, a dog, a white picket fence, and a nice family-sized automobile. i think it is wrong for me to blindly accept that monogamy is the right choice for my life.

but then again comes the issue of jealousy. i think jealousy is the big flaw with polyamory. we, or at least most of us humans, become these protective, territorial creatures when it comes to our "mates." is that because of our socialization to accept monogamy as the right choice or is it some sort of historical biological imperitive of the species that has survived all these years? i tend to think it is not a biological historical remnant. didnt men thousands of years ago father children with many different women? did these men do so because they were ignorant or somehow unenlightened or was it because there really is no sort of natural preference for monogamy? if we think of these men in a philosphical way, these men are the purest form of human beings as they did not have the stringent and rigid dictates of an organized and man-made society with all of its unnatural rules and fetters. also, if you take a quick look at the animal kingdom there are few, if any, animals other than human beings that are monogamous. so it would seem that perhaps the jealousy issue with polyamory is a historical remnant of a religiously created social dictate from centuries before and not some sort of biological or natural imperitive.

so, i guess it all comes down to me and my feelings about monogamy and polyamory. and when i speak in terms of polyamory i mean non-monogamy and not some sort of odd 12 wives and 100 kids utah thang, btw. i do admit that i am a fairly jealous and territorial bitch when it comes to my "mate." but have i been territorial because i was then in a committed and monogmaous relationship? if i had made the conscious choice to not require monogamy and to be open and accepting about all of the people me and my "mate" were involved with would i still be as jealous and territorial? isnt it just a matter of being honest and straightforward? afterall, at this point in my life i am beginning to think that finding one person who satisfies a majority of my needs is an impossible task. i have people i do certain things with and talk to about certain things and then there are other people for other needs. if i want someone who knows me better than anyone else and with whom i can go shopping or argue about anything and everything, i go to kt. if i want to law talk or just be in a different feeling group i hang out with my law school friends. if i want physical intimacy i would go of course to someone else (or just to cinemax!). and looking back at my past relationships with guys, there has always been something missing. sure, not every guy will have all the pieces of the puzzle that i would like, but it has seemed that all of the guys i have dated have been missing some large pieces. so this makes me wonder if there are even people out there who can have even 50 or 75% of the pieces i need or want. plus i am beginning to wonder if many people, myself included, put so much value into finding that one "mate" because ultimately that is how we judge our own value. i think many people, myself included, feel that we can only be truly of value as a person if we are only with one person who is only with us, as if people cant love more than one person at a time. and arent we supposed to love ourselves first anyways and not make our value dependent on who loves us? so it seems that if we truly love ourselves that we dont need only one person to "mate" with. if we as people get different needs satiated by different people then why should our love relationships be any different?

this reminds me of the discussion kt and i had about the couple who were married but lived in seperate houses. they lived apart but would get together when they wanted and needed to and otherwise basically lived seperate lives. cant we be that way with our romantic relations? cant i get very warm and deep love from one person and wild passion and excitement from another and friendly love from another? isnt it crazy to expect one person to be your best friend, the spark that lights your fire, the person to soothe your soul, and the one who drives you crazy with laughter? and sometimes one person cant be a certain way for you when you need it anyways.

thus, i guess i am wondering why is it that i have kept myself from having different types of romantic relations with different people? i have always been out for the "one," that romantic relationship of 1940s hollywood lore where i get swept off my feet and all we see is each other and we vow to be together and love each other forever. hollyowood is fake and so too is that idea of romantic love. so is it time for me to modernize my view of romantic relations?

thus i get to the question of whether or not i should be as critical as i have been in the past of those who are not monogamous? i think i am justified in being critical of those people who are not monogamous but are with men or women who believe that the relationship is in fact monogamous. that is a breach of trust and an honesty problem which i completely disagree with. but what about those people in relationships where monogamy is just not the flavor of the day and all parties involved are aware of these ground rules? right now i am beginning to think that i shouldnt judge these people for getting their various needs met by various people. frankly, i am beginning to think that i might be onto something here. i mean, i thought the living in two houses idea was great and i certainly dont think marriage is my thing anyways, so why not look to various people to satisfy my various needs? seems like a simple solution doesnt it? thus, i may still go to cinemax for sexual (dis?)satisfaction but then go to major (insert whatever descriptive term you think applies here) for the fun sarcastic witty commenting flirty thang, etc, etc. i mean, afterall, i do enjoy the time i spend with the major and as of yet he hasnt done or said anything to me that has made me uncomfortable or that i thought was improper or unwanted. there admittedly is an attraction there and whether it is because we are a lot alike and thus get along like peas and carrots or because there is some forbidden temptation excitement there or maybe both and more, i dont know. i think the key for me to focus on is that yes, he is in a position of power and may control the future of my career at some point in time and thus i should tread very lightly and carefully, and also that i more than likely will not be getting the deep type of romantic love from him and thus shouldnt be looking for or expecting it. now, how far if at all this "relationship" will go, i honestly dont know. i have never really been the one to go for casual sex, except for that one time, but the intent wasnt for it to be casual (at least i dont think it was...) so i dont think i would ever cross that particular bridge with the major but being a galpal type thang or even just goofing about, i dont know, it seems harmless, to an extent. but yeah, the reality of that ever happening may seem pretty low, afterall, how can a 25 year old and a 40+ year old be boy and galpals?! seems a little on the freaky freaky but hey, there is that gorilla and the little kitten, koko (or was the gorilla named koko?), who are friends isnt there?! i dont know, i think i will just take a wait and see approach to the situation and see how i actually feel when seeing him and dealing with him again. for all i know, my gag reflexes will be triggered when he enters the room or perhaps my heart will pitter patter as it has been every other time he has come near me. i mean, if i am having just some harmless fun then whats the big deal? as long as the fun actually is harmless of course. aye, theres the rub!

so, tell me i am rationalizing what i want to do or tell me i am full of shit or whatever. a second opinion always helps!

New Haiku, and it's here 'cause I don't know how it gets over there <---

leftover Thai lunch,
Pad Thai noodles, peanuts, Sauce
styrofoam Box

On Sex, because it is, after all, why we're all here:

Why is it that sex is consider more a man's domain than a woman's? I don't think that most folks consider masturbation sex, so generally it takes two to have sex. Or more, if that's your thing. So, if we throw out gay male sex, which we will for now because it's something that neither of us will be a part of ever, lacking the equipment, then women are a primary part of sex.

BUT, consider these things before refuting the validity of my question. Thing One: A girl who chooses to have sex with many boys is considered a slut, whore, or other derrogatory term. A boy who has sex with many girls is considered a stud, or a player, and while the latter has some negative connotations, it isn't generally negative to other guys. Thing Two: Pornography of most genres is created for (and usually by) men, with the acquiesence of women. Thing Three: Viagra is covered on many health care plans, including federal ones like Medicaid. Viagra is for men, to help them get their groove on and last longer, because it's only really sex if he's inside you. On the other hand, birth control is NOT covered by most health care plans and is godawfully expensive, meaning that us poor folk who want to get our groove on but not procreate -- and can't afford to -- can't always afford the pill, which is the only thing effective enough to be truly considered. The pill is for women.

Also, women aren't generally supposed to be the agressors in sexual relations. It doesn't seem that most guys really mind, but it's still societally frowned upon. Girls are frequently told that their virginity is a gift to give a man, preferrably on her wedding night. Seems like a lousy gift to me. Pain and usually some blood. Men are almost encouraged to get rid of their virginity and get some experience, as this is considered sexy. Double-standard anyone?

There is no slut-virgin dichotomy for guys.

Why is the number of people one has slept with an important number? And people seem proud of it, the higher it is! It seems to me like sex is something a little more intimate than I want to share with any guy off the street, but that's just me. It involves him entering me in a very personal way, a way in which many diseases can be transmitted and also the supposed gift of life can be given. Maybe it's just me doing that thinking ahead thing, but I wouldn't want to end up accidentally pregnant and not know who the other half of the gene pool was, or how to find him.

Random thoughts, I know, but that's what's inside my head, so there.

The two FL folk I refer to are neither you. I refer to our frumpy friend and the wannabe goth. You are like neither except in respects of schooling and city of high school attendance.

Personally I consult the screaming children. Right now the Cranberries mostly drown them out.

[page 14 of 20!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the end is nigh]

hey, when you are mentioning fl who are you referring to? i hope you arent lumping me in with jen! and as for doing my thang, i always consult the oracle first and them make up my mind, you know that! but i will do whatever i decide to do in the end.

As long as you're rejecting what people think because it's outdated and sheep-like rather than because you disagree with it, then it sounds like a plan. I know that this isn't what you mean, but sometimes people use the "I don't give a damn what other people think" as an excuse to be assholes. It's one thing if people just refuse to see the logic and/or rightness in what you've decided to do, and another when they raise valid questions which you refuse to consider because you're being stubborn. I know that I've done that.

Most of us aren't very good at listening to the advice others have to offer, but for a variety of reasons. Some of us just know that if we don't do it our way, we will never figure it out (me). Some people unknowingly put on blinders in certain situations, and can't see the faults in logic that other people point out (you in romatic situations). Some people like to argue (also you). Some think that being stupidly stubborn is cute and child-like, as befits a youngest child that never had to do anything for herself (our good friend from Pensacola. Wait, actually both of them.) Some people are just dumb and think they know everything (our dear other friend from FL). Crazy folks.

well, i dont know if its the aftereffects of the sleeping pills i took last night (i am still feeling a little fuzzy and very relaxed right now) or if i have had a change of mind. i think i have more or less decided to just not get involved in the whole game, just as you suggested i not do. i have found that i just dont really care anymore. i guess all of the piss and vinegar has dripped away, but not to the extent that i dont still have all of my feminist angst. i guess its a more rational modified piss and vinegar stance that i have taken- all the angst without expending all the energy doing dumb things. plus, frankly i dont think i could pull off the femme fatale/vixen thang anyways as my heart just isnt into it. maybe if i was 4 sour apple shots and 3 tom collins gone and in a dark loud place somewhere then maybe, but an office? thats not my style. but then again, who knows? he didnt come in today so i dont really know how i will respond to the situation. my guess is that i will be grossed out and cringing although i know for a damn fact that i will chuck my barbs at him as he has done to me, except mine will be more clever and biting, but in that playful i dont really know you're a lech manner. and yes, i am keeping the sex=power ace card in my pocket and will not let him know that i know he is amoral. afterall, i will probably be working for him in 5 months so any little edge i can have helps. plus, if i am on his good side that means i will almost assuredly be chosen by him to work at his precinct. so, i am not willing to sacrifice getting my way for what may be the moral high ground in this particular instance. but can you blame me? his precinct is literally like 2 miles from where i live, its new, and as a woman i will be treated preferentially by him when it comes to scheduling. sounds like a deal to me, a chick who likes to get her way. so, i guess in the end, i will use my knowledge to subtly manipulate him when i want something in the future. i certainly have no qualms about that tactic thats for sure.

but about feminism, i have just read some articles in my daily webpage browsing that mentioned feminism with regards to binge drinking by women. there were some interesting questions posed about how women should act if they are feminists- like men or like new kinds of women? and yeah, i guess i have been guilty of taking the acting like a man route in the past, and even argued doing that in this particular instance, but i think i have just decided to take my own route, that is, neither be a man nor follow the feminist party line. i do think of myself as a feminist and honestly believe that i can do anything a man can do, but i think i had forgotten that there are things i can do as a woman that men cant do or do as well as i can. sometimes we get so wrapped up in this big competition and our feelings of inquality and inadequacy that we dont realize that by doing so we inherently accept male-centric standards of what we should be able to do and who we should be which is obviously anti-feminist. thinking about the tough chick rolemodels of my childhood i have realized that the reason i liked them and looked up to them was because they did as they chose without worrying about what anyone, male or female, would think of them. i liked them because they were free thinkers. thus, my plan of action in the future will not be to think of what type of feminist i should be and what that means for what actions i take, but my plan will be to do what is right for me as me regardless of what anyone thinks about it and to continue hacking my own unique path through this crazy world.

Go Pussy Power!

But we have brain power, too. And I think that, sometimes, we control our desires better than men do. We're taught to. Men can go willy-nilly chasing tail (wait, how does that work? Aren't they the ones with tails?) and it's all okay with most everyone, or at least society in general. It's a "boys will be boys thing." What bullshit. Boys will be asses, yes, sometimes, but they too can learn to control it. Girls are taught that they have what boys want, but we must never give it to them, because then they won't respect us anymore. So basically, in this scenario of things, we all lose, because no one has control. Boys want it and can't resist it or control themselves in relation to it. Girls have it but can't give it up at their will. Or they get nothing in return for giving it up, since a lot of guys haven't a clue how to pleasure a woman.

The entire world seems to come down to sex, power, and money. And since sex and money equal power, it all comes down to sex and money. No wonder women become prostitutes or exotic dancers!

yeah, as you can tell from my emails to you, i am very anti-boy right now as well. but, i have regained some of my feminine angst so maybe this wasnt all a wash. i feel so empowered now to kick some serious ass. as the song goes, sheila take a bow, boot the grime of this world in the crotch dear! and the crotch is what i am gonna target, hardcore! two can play this game and only one will win, that of course would be me. because ultimately, i have what he wants, what he scams for, but he isnt going to get it in the end. he may think he will get it, but he wont, not from me. and in the end, he will realize he has been played just as he tried to playeth me.

and really, when you think about it, we as women all have what they want, and we have the choice to give it or not, but ultimately we have the choice. we control our pussies, not them, and that is exactly what i am gonna do. power to the pussies!!!

Sometimes one finds out after the fact that boys do notice some of the goofy, stupid, girly things we do to flirt -- they just don't respond in a manner that recognizes the notice. Dumb boys. Makes it difficult.

Btw, I have never been able to determine whether or not a man is gay before I get interested. Personal flaw, I know. I'm just clueless.

I shouldn't say anymore -- I'm very anti-boy right now. I need to go blow off some steam. Unfortunately, I worked out yesterday, just a little, and I hurt from it. I think part of that is from hauling this dumb laptop all over campus yesterday. It was worth it, since I think I may have almost all the images I need for my thesis in digital format now, but still, it gets heavy! And I first had to get it to campus, which is several miles. Ouch. I'm such an out of shape wimp.

yes, that is true that obsession is just creepy. i am merely curious about what people have to say about him, anything interesting, etc. my cohort is very clever and skilled and wont blow our cover. yeah, i use terms like mission and cabal, etc but its only to spice up the story. i am only doing the same thing that most people do, subtly asking around about someone they are interested in. its not like i have gone on the internet and paid for a copy of his credit report or done a title search or anything. no wacko internet background checks here, that IS just creepy. i am merely having fun being totally infatuated is all. anyways, as gi joe always said, "knowing is half the battle." that is a life slogan i have taken to heart. i like being slightly informed before i hop into things, as do many people. i mean, it does help to know if he is or is not married, gay, etc before making a total ass out of myself, even though i am sure that will happen anyways as that is the price one pays for love, eventually. i will go to my death defending my info gathering tactics, that is just a part of my personality that will always be there. one of the reasons that i want to be a detective is because i get to gather info all day long to solve crimes. seems like a perfect fit to me doesnt it?!

anyways, on to the juicy bits of today's episode. of course, like clockwork practically, major sexy came by today. i decided to wear this short skirt (by short i mean to the knee, btw) that i bought ages ago but never got around to wearing. its grey and business-y so it worked for the office. so i was sitting in my grey ensemble, a short grey skirt, grey striped dressy shirt, grey tights, and black shoes when major hottie walks in. the first thing he says to me is, and i quote,"Wow!" i of course dont know to what he is referring so i sit there with a sort of quizzical look on my face. he then comments on how i am dressed up today and i respond that i dress up all the time considering i work in an office and dont have anywhere else to wear office-y clothes. i then tell him that i wear skirts all the time and that today wasnt an exception, its just that my skirts are usually longer. yeah, i know, there was a super opportunity for more clever and witty banter there where i could have flirted voraciously, but i wasnt on my game this morning. anyways, i had some stuff to do so i walked by him fairly often and of course tried to walk in that womanly manner instead of just thumping about as i usually do. also, i had to bend over to pick stuff up off the floor a few times and i lingered slightly in case he was looking. geez, this is starting to sound really gay!!! its really not as gay as it sounds, it was super subtle and as everyone agrees, nobody, especially boys, probably noticed. its just one of those things i think chicks do around guys they like, they become super aware of everything they do and where the boy is, etc. anyways, there were quite a few people in the office such as other majors, etc so he ended up staying and chatting with them but he would look over at me frequently and, of course, i would glance at him surreptiously too. ah, covert romance, tres exciting!

anyways, i will finish this entry with the comment that i appreciate your warnings, and you are almost always right, but i really am not being a total freako as i think you assume. i am merely revelling in being infatuated, a feeling i havent had in a while, a feeling i thought might not exist for me again (yes, this is melodrama but after going for how many YEARS without companionship of the sexy male kind you begin to really wonder if it will come again). anyways, its all very innocent and non-obsessive, i assure you. its just fun for a very bored recruit!

Too bad my original response to this morning's post has been swallowed by technology. It advocated caution in the obsession field, and enjoyment of the early stages of a relationship -- even if it turns out to just be an infatuation. If the relationship goes anywhere, you will find out all the sordid details of your lover's past. If not, why not just hold on to the fantasy that could have been?

I think that obsessively trying to root out information on this guy will lead to disaster. You are dealing with a cop, someone hopefully more perceptive than the lame-ass boys our age. Besides, obsession isn't sexy or attractive; it's creepy.

i have some updates on Operation Hottie Info as it has been dubbed (at least until you can come up with a better, more clever name!). i have co-opted a recruit friend of mine into Operation Hottie Info and she has already dug up some info on Major Sexy. her husband is a cop out here and had made a comment about the major a few weeks ago when i was eating dinner with them. anyways, my comrade did some followup on the comment that was made and discovered that apparently some officers had spoken to the major about things with the understanding that these issues were confidential or private. well, apparently the info got out and the major was the only guy who had been told, hence the major is a gossiper or as my friend's husband says, he will say anything to help himself. well, not sure what to say about this frankly. i do have to admit that i am guilty of having done the same before and probably will in the future. not sure how heinous this whole deal is really. we all spill the beans sometimes. at least he isnt a pedophile, well, as far as we know so far!

anyways, my cohort in this cabal is deep undercover and will cull more info from various sources for me. i ultimately had to spill the beans about my crush/obsession to her when i walked over to visit her this morning and couldnt stop smiling. naturally she asked what it was and i eventually cracked like an american gi in a vietcong prison camp! and actually her response to the situation was very surprising to me. she was really cool and excited about it. i of course was embarassed by the girliness of the whole situation and explained how goofy i felt but she said it was good. she seemed really cool about it. i wonder what she really thinks... there i go being all paranoid again.

anyways, i asked my cohort about department policy with regards to dating and she told me that basically dating between a non-certified officer (aka a recruit) and other officers is "frowned upon" because people think you might be getting special treatment, etc. while going through the academy. but other than that, there arent any hard and fast dept. rules about dating other than you and your spouse cant work the same precinct or same shift. i suppose all of this makes sense to a degree. hmmm...do you think it is possible for me to be discreet? wow, aint that the question of the day. even though i am shitty about keeping secrets i think i could do it. my deal is that i need an outlet to chat at and since i have non-departmental outlets i think i could keep it all on the downlow. although come to think of it, is the fact that i am publishing this whole deal on the web mean i am not being discreet? well aint that a kick in the head!

anyways, i am going on a deep cover covert recon mission tonight for Operation Hottie Info. yeah, i have nothing better to do with my time. i will keep you posted with all the luscious details! if i dont get arrested that is...!

yeah, blame the machines, sure, it wasnt you at all! although if buckaroo bonzai and his posse on Odyssey 5 are right, computers and machines are gonna blow up the earth! oh no! watch out for the fake computer people!

Damn. The computer ate my last brilliant blog! That thing took me about 20 minutes. Machines....

well, i took your advice and i had a conversation with him! i just had to stop and write this now so i could memorialize all of the juicy and scintillating details in technicolor. we had such a wonderfully flirty and witty reparte that i am still smiling and probably will be all day long when i focus my memory on the experience. anyways, on with the lurid details...

we chatted briefly about our weekends and i asked him if he had done anything exciting. he said no and i said that i was sorry. he then laughed with that unique, smooth, almost cynical laugh he has and then told me that he liked to just hang out and do nothing sometimes. see, he is the perfect man for me! anyways, he then asked if i had done anything interesting and i said that i, too, liked to just hang out and do nothing sometimes. anyways, the conversation progressed some to chatting about the police academy. i asked him what the academy was like when he went through it. he said that it was much different 22, yes, 22 years ago! he also told me which class he was in so that i could look at the class photo when i am at Training. i so cant wait to see what he looked like 22 years ago! i bet he was a total sex pot just like he is now!!!

anyways, the best part of the conversation was yet to come. he said at some point that he only teased me because he likes me and said that i could tell him to stop if i wanted to. i responded that i didnt mind and that i did the same thing, teasing people i like that is. and then i told him that we were very similar me and him. and he said, this makes me warm all over just thinking about it, he said yeah i kind of felt that. ooooooh, my heart is so melting all over the place! somebody call Brawny!

anyways, throughout the interchange there was a ton of eye contact and a lot of sort of flirty furtive glances and typical chick thangs. i of course teased him some at one point. ah, i am so on cloud 25 at this point! i am walking on air! thanks for the advice kt, now i totally love this guy even more! there just is some sort of electricity and chemistry there, i dont know what it is. i havent felt that with anyone for ages and it gets me so excited that it even exists! i was beginnning to doubt it! and you know what, the age thing doesnt even bother me really. he is just a total super cool person who i totally vibe and click with. ok, i take back all the bad things i said about michael douglas and catherine zeta jones, i can so understand now.

anyways, i am still in info collection mode and will be recruiting another recruit friend of mine who knows some people to help me get more info on Major Sexy. when we were out on friday she mentioned him again and said that she wanted to find out more about him so she is perfect for this job! i also need to ask her about policy on dating within the department... yeah, i know, dont dip your nib into the company ink (a la bridget jones) but hey, lots of people meet their future whatevers at work so i dont feel so bad about it. i will keep you up to date on further conversations with Major Sexy and any intelligence i receive about him. i so cant wait to unwrap this gift! i feel like its x-mas or something! ah, until next time sweet prince!...

I guess if you consider that you are the center of your universe, the birthday equates to the creation of your world. To a degree, I agree with this idea -- if you don't take care of yourself, not much else in your life will matter. There is call for a little selfishness in life. But I think that people, particularly Americans, take this a tad too far. We are NOT the only people in the world. Without consideration and politeness, there is little left to grease the cogs of society. Heinlein has a saying (one of the Lazarus Long musings) that says something along the lines of this: The younger generations think that many of the social graces and ceremonies and politenesses are empty, meaningless, and outdated, which may be true, but they are also what allows us to get along with the vast numbers of people we come in to contact with regularly. He says it better, of course, but I don't feel like looking it up.

Personal responsibility and consideration for others are intertwined. One of my pet peeves is when people leave their shopping carts in the middle of the parking lot rather than taking them to a cage or back to the store. Not only do the freewheeling carts pose somewhat of a risk to people's precious automobiles, but they cost me money! When people regularly leave carts all over creation, the store must pay an employee for her time to go and collect them. The store then, in turn, will eventually charge me more for the goods I purchase because they have higher overhead costs. Now I admit that Oregon, or at least Eugene, has a lack of cart corrals, but it only takes a minute to stow your cart safely away. It's a small thing, I know, but it demonstrates laziness and lack of foresight, in my opinion.

As for the Uno, yes, you usually won, but you would also pick up the whole deck in order to keep me from winning, which goes beyond the friendly, healthy competitiveness that is natural and Darwinian, and turns meaningless card games into a life-and-death struggle. Some wise folks advise us to pick and choose our battles.... just a thought. And nobody always wins.

I spent my patriotic holiday engaging in non-participatory sports watching, a good American pasttime. I went to a baseball game. We won. There were fireworks afterwards, although they were pretty amateurish. Spent the rest of the evening in the company of a wonderfully entertaining group of men.

happy b-day to kt! although it doesnt seem as if she is interested in the celebration part. i do have to admit though that i dont understand the allure of celebrating the day of one's birth. afterall, how friggin' important was it really in the grand scheme of things?!

what did i do for my 4th of july vacation you might ask. well, i have to say that with regards to my evil ghetto downstairs neighbors, i am employing the 'if you cant beat them, join them' method of revenge. i went out yesterday and spent about $12 bucks to buy an rca cable and some extra speaker wire. i hooked my stereo up to my vcr (which i run my cable through), spliced myself some new, longer speaker wires, and jacked my phat speakers over to my couch to get that ever thoughtful surround sound feeling. then i turned to fx and jacked up Independence Day on my new "home theater" extravaganza! they can so blow me!!! i swear, if they come upstairs to complain or complain to the management i will so go psycho on their ghetto asses! listen now fuckers, i am susan, i will win because i always win! just ask kt about our Uno matches!

Okay, it's monologue day!

I have become a total insomniac lately. I hate lying in bed patently not sleeping, so I just don't go to bed. Last night (this morning??) I discovered that my newspaper is delivered at 3:18 am. Since I don't have to get up, I don't, and the cycle continues.

Much of life is cyclical like that, isn't it? Chains of cause and effect that loop back around again until you are sure where something started or how to end it or stop the insane circling. It frightens me a little.

So anyway, I am in the process of hitting a supposed milestone, that of a quarter century, and, of course, I feel the need to evaluate where I am in this circular time called life. I'm still in graduate school, a mere 25 or so pages from completion (and probably some editing after that, but still....). I have a liberal arts diploma nestled somewhere in a bookcase I've owned for 24 years which is currently 3000 miles away and being used by my grandmother. She's 89, still mobile, although slower, and still processing thoughts on a minute-by-minute basis. Of course, a lot of the things she thinks about are based on right-wing talk radio, but still, she's thinking and that gives me home. Sixty-four more years gives me time to accomplish something, to do something worthwhile, to be someone, right? There are lists of geniuses who accomplished something earth-shattering by the time they were 12, but there are also lists of folks who didn't figure out what their major public contribution to the world would be until they were well past what we consider to be a retirement age. My mom didn't find her current career until she was in her mid-50s, and she's contemplating a complete change when they force her to retire. So I guess I feel secure in the fact that I don't have to figure "IT" all out right now.

But since my life expectancy is about 89 (at least according to the Quicken retirement calculator), why is this a landmark age? It in no way relates to how long anyone expects to live. I guess that I've hated celebrating my birthday since I was about 12. No trauma or anything of the sort caused this, but I started to wonder why exactly one celebrates this "occasion" at all? It seems as though the birthday party is like the funeral, celebrated or marked not so much for the honoree but for those around her. I do know that this may just be me -- there are some people, my brother, someone we both remember from college, that remind people that their birthdays are coming up for about 6 weeks (my brother starts about 6 months in advance, but he isn't a good indicator of the norm). I know that I sound like a party pooper, but I just don't understand the celebration.

Then again, in a culture that bases worth on money far too frequently, I have no say at all. My income since March averages out to about $100 per month. Thank the gods that be that I'm getting an education!!

New subject to blog on.

There was an article on salon.com (http://www.salon.com/mwt/style/2001/05/07/girl_guides/) about the rash of "girl guides" on the market, including non-fiction, sassy guides to single living, as well as books like Bridget Jones' Diary and others of that ilk. The author relates the advice in these books to those advice books from as far back as the 1890s that give advice to a girl on how to get a man. She has a point. These books give tons of advice for what to do as a single girl on her own, presumably in the big, bad, scary city. Why do we need advice on what to do when we're alone? Do men need advice on what to do when alone? (Dirty aside: no, they don't need advice, but then again, their equipment is easier to use!)

I will sometime brood on the fact that I'm sitting alone in my apartment, but it isn't that I can't figure out anything to do. It's that I'm too lazy to do anything. I admit to some singular dislikes: I hate eating alone in a restaurant. I have only done it a few times, but if anything can convince me to cook or scavenge in my cabinets, it's the thought of eating by myself in a restaurant. I also don't really like clothes shopping by myself. Who do you bounce ideas off of if you're alone? And who do you make fun of the crappy clothes on the market with? It's not like I buy that much, since there is either nothing that fits or nothing worth buying, but the whole experience is better if you have a friend to do it with. But the advice in these books seems to say too often, "it's okay to be alone! You're good enough!" The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

I think, in generaly, that we all want someone in our lives. We are social people, human beings, and most cultures revere the couple as the smallest social group. Despite our claims to individuality, we have raised the couple to a pedestal, a pinnacle to which all people must aspire. I'll admit I feel the pressure, and I'm in a relationship! But do we, as women, need guidebooks telling us how to live a single life while masquerading as a guide to get a man? At least "The Rules" doesn't disguise it's purpose!

I don't think that anyone can be paid enough to "raise" children properly. It would be nice if raising kids were considered important enough to be a paid position, or to be compensated in some way. Parents who stay home to raise their children are penalized in many ways. Frequently, one parent's income is not enough to raise children in the way most people would like to raise them. Or, after the children have started school, the parent who was staying home with them full time decides that being home alone with housework (which is underrated, repetitive, and unpaid) isn't enough. Either way, the parent raising the children is usually the woman. When this woman chooses to go back to work, she has two options: full-time or part time, and with a part-time job, there is little compensation, no room to move up, and no benefits. With a full-time job, she is unlikely to be hired without reservations as to her job committment, seeing as how she might have to take time off if her child(ren) got sick, or otherwise needed her. What kills me about the whole matter is that regardless of the gender of the stay-at-home parent, if he or she chooses to return to work parttime, in order to be at home the other times, nurturing the children, as might be consistent with the "return" to "family values" touted these days, the penalty is no benefits and little, if any, upward mobility.

Also consider the options for childcare. Since we have no really good system in place, and financing it is not easy for everyone, daycare is not universally available. It is also not necessarily easy to get to or available at all times.

ah, Major Sexy visted again today! what a week it has been! but alas, the glow he spreads wherever he goes has faded and quickly. this week has just been total shite and now i have a headache! and now you want me to talk about kids?!

ok, first of all, i hate kids and i really dont think i ever want to have any or borrow any or buy any. selling kids...maybe...but only for a really big profit. but anyways, yeah, parents are to blame for the kids they have (no matter what parents say otherwise!). i am a total wacko semi-recluse because thats more or less the way i was raised by my parents. my sister is the same way but without the "social graces" i managed to acquire in college. i am also a super anal german-y person because thats how my dad was and, as my primary caregiver for the majority of my adolescence, he was the person who influenced how i grew up.

the problem with kids today is that both parents usually work and all they do is throw money at their problem aka the kids. and if parents arent like this then they try to always be there for their kids which usually means they bow down to the kids and give them anything they want. one type of parent creates angst-ridden selfish brats, the other type of parent creates snooty selfish brats. either way we end up with selfish brats. plus, having kids raised by ever-increasingly bad television and music doesnt help much. sure, i was raised by the tv but back then it wasnt Springer, but Gilligan's Island and I Dream of Jeanie that i watched.

what we need to do now to fix this problem is to intern all the kids and make them work for a change and learn what it is to earn things instead of having them handed to them on silver platters. kids need to learn respect for themselves and others and need to get work ethics. what is missing is discipline and if parents cant teach their kids discipline then we need to find someone who can and pay them appropriately.

first of all, even though there are only two of us, its a matter of pride and stubbornness to get the names to reappear. i have tried several things and am totally convinced it aint me. anyways, trying out a slightly different format. what do ya think? i have a feeling that by the time this whole deal is done and over with, or until i start the academy, that this blog will go through many many changes.

Btw, since there are only the two of us, and you only use capital letters intermittently and/or artistically, it should be easy for anyone reading to distinguish between the two authors. Funny, though since your initials are caps and mine are lower-case....meaningful? or artistic accident?

I can hear a child screaming right now. It sounds like murder is being committed right on our playground, right outside my window, but usually, when I, as a concerned citizen, go to look, he or she is just standing there with the impetus of the banshee-like howling being apparent only in the small, still-forming brain.

New Rant: CHILDREN

First, let me admit two things that may explain the irrational nature of my issues. One, I do not have, nor am I convinced that I will ever want, children. Two, I live in student family housing, in a building located between an elementary school, the University-sponsored playschool/daycare, and a playground for the community. Now that I have revealed my situation-related biases ....

Children are obnoxious creatures unless they have been trained. I was under the impression that the reason we reproduce the way we do is meaningful. Firstly, if the act of reproduction were not pleasant, we would not do it as often (and probably would not have overpopulated this planet). Secondly, the offspring come out completely defenseless, eventually growing into self-sufficient beings, presumably with the guidance of their parents. (Since the biological parents are not always equipped to guide, we have institutionalized other ways to care for children, though admittedly our systems are flawed. One main flaw could be the emphasis on biological connection which supercedes the true needs of a child, but that is another discussion).

I personally cannot imagine trying to raise children while being a student, especially not the young ones that need more or less constant guidance, companionship, and supervision. Being a student is a 24/7 job in which one can rightfully feel guilty for every minute not spent on studenting, as there is always work that should or could be done. I get the impression parenting is the same. Neither one can actually engage us for 168 hours a week; it just isn't possible. But as a student, the only thing that gets neglected when I slack off or procrastinate are my books, and most of them are "rented" from the library anyway. (Many of them haven't been checked out in more than 20 years and being out of the library is probably enough of a scenery change for them anyway!)

I know that parents, in general, hate to hear advice from non-parents. I admit that I don't know what raising a child is like. But I do know that your children are obnoxious, and I blame you, the parent. There is a child who is regularly out on the playground with his parents. He's probably about 4. He regularly screams for no apparent reason other than to gain attention, throws fits, throws cups, socks and other random objects at his mother, and generally receives a "good talking to" from his mom, if she takes any action at all. I couldn't stand the noise of living with this child, and in fact have the urge to duct tape his mouth shut almost daily. And I would never have gotten away with such things as a child -- my mother wouldn't have stood for it. My parents were not unduly harsh, but occasionally I was spanked (and survived without violent tendencies) when I deserved it -- when nothing else would have suitably driven the point home. I knew who was in charge -- not me, my parents. Until a child reaches a certain age or stage of development, it is useless to try to reason with her. They can't reason!!!! You just say "no." As a parent, you must establish credibility to be obeyed by a three-year-old. Why don't people get that? If you can't work on that, don't have kids yet!

ARGH!

muwahahahaha! i have found some good sites on the web to help me be the master of this blog! go me!

anyways, on more harlequin romantic news... guess who called me today, ok, he didn't call ME per se, but he called here and i of course answered the phone (that is my job afterall, a job i today relished doing just for the chance to hear his wonderful voice!). of course, it was Major Sexy! hell yeah, boo-ya! we had a wonderful tete-a-tete. ah, my dreams will be sweet tonight! oh, the other day, ok last week, he said i was his "favorite recruit." oh yes, i am indeed smitten with this sliver-tongued law enforcement adonis! oh please "book me!"

btw, when did the name of the author of particular posts go away?! i just noticed it now and i know i didnt do anything to that particular code to fuck it up. damn you you smiter you!

yea, happy me! i just figured out how to change the size of this damn thang. hey man, its been a while since i have html coded ok! tell me what you think of the sightly inflated Wicked Moxie.

as for ragging on other people's blogs, hey man, they put them out there so its fair game in my opinion. its one of the reasons i slaved all day saturday to get comments added to this thang. input from the public can be helpful...or it can also be ignored! all i want is feedback! a random email or two from our adoring fans!

Hey, it's not nice to insult other people's blogs. They have feelings, too. I don't think that we're quite universal or bland enough to become the "starbucks" of blogs, and you can't have starbucks without having the evil corporate thing. They are one and the same.

[Morrissey Moment: "I am human and I need to be loved -- just like everybody else does" How Soon is Now?]

hey man, apparently people do subscribe to and visit frequently the rambling blogs of less interesting and educated people than ourselves. i have been taking a sort of blog tour to get an idea of some of the other blogs out there just to see what they look like and what their content is like. there are some pretty ugly and pretty dull blogs out there.

but anyways, i have taken some steps to try to get our blog out there more such as trying to get our blog listed on yahoo. from what i can tell it may be a while, a long while. but i am hopeful, as ever, that perhaps some interested people will stumble upon us and perhaps we can get it out there and become the starbucks of blogs, except without the evil corporate thang working of course. perhaps it is just the pipe dream of a super-bored phone answerer...

OOOooooo!!!! I want to subscribe! Oh, wait, I would just get to read my own drivel again. Darn. So much for that. Always wanting to join, yet never being part of the group.

So, honestly and with all candor, would anyone really want to subscribe to this, the (in)sane ramblings of two twenty-somethings searching for a clue, a purpose, (a job), and meaning in this restless chaotic world populated by people more concerned with the state of their finances than with the state of humanity?
Just wondering.

What is it with you and the smiting Gods of the multiverse? Half of these problems are not god-made by woman-made. We create our own problems, frequently with the help of other kindly people and of twisted bureacratic institutions. Maybe if we just got down to it, we could smite one another with those great "American Gladiator" q-tip thingys and then move on with our lives, more knowing and for the better. There is not enough constructive criticism in our society -- especially with children. They are not as fragile as we seem to make them out to be, and coddling them is only detrimental to their development. It is detrimental to our development as adults, as well. We screw up and do things that are patently wrong and/or stupid and annoying, and if we are to learn from our mistakes, someone must correct us, preferrably with a kind and helpful heart. We will become a better people for it.

I had something else to say, but I've forgotten it. I cannot tell if this is the result of too much coffee, or of not enough coffee. Hmmm. The dilemma.