Happy New Year's Eve, the night for drinking alone and watching sappy movies where everyone ends up living happily ever after (because we do only explore the beginnings of relationships in most movies, not their manifestations after years of togetherness).
It must be interesting to never age. I wonder what Dick Clark sold to Satan for that?
31 December 2003
24 December 2003
Okay, you know what I realized today? I usually respond to Susan’s stories or rant about something on this blog. I rarely detail what’s up with me. Hmmm. Character-defining behavior? No – that’s not a question, just a comment. It is character defining. I understand that’s an Irish trait – to talk a lot, tell people little about yourself, but get them to tell you everything about themselves. I hear they even play it as a bar game. So beyond the love of potatoes and mischief, the stubbornness, and the name that tells the world “I was raised Irish Catholic, hear my guilt!”, I also represent my heritage in other ways. Hmmm.
I think my New Year’s goal will be to watch Harry and Sally with someone. I’ve never had a stereotypical beginning of the year. New Orleans, a college trip we did, was kind of like that. 6 friends head out for wacky adventures and hijinks on a road trip to New Orleans for New Year’s Eve. Add more sex and more toilet humor, and you would have a teen flick. The part where E stepped on R’s crotch would have made a good moment for the movie (accident, but funny for everyone but R). Boys. Yea, Susan and I were the only girls on that trip.
My plans for the holiday. I’m spending Christmas with G (my G, not susan’s – and they do represent the same name!) We’ll call him Gustavo (ivillage baby name finder. Weird G names.)
This is my first Christmas not being home with my family. I’ve been excited about it all year. It will be somewhat strange to be spending the day with my SO rather than my family. They don’t know, of course, that he’s spending the night with me Christmas Eve, not going home. His daughter is not in the picture, as it’s her holiday to spend with her mom.
I’m not sure how I should feel about spending the holidays with my man rather than my family. I think this is part of the growing up experience, spending your special times with the people of your choosing, rather than your obligation. Hmmm. I’d jump on Susan for asking “how I should be feeling.” There is no should or shouldn’t with feeling. It just is. What I am feeling is conflicted. It will be nice to spend the time with him. It will be weird to have Christmas without my mom. I’ve been consciously staying away from my mother’s traditions – I will not recreate the holidays I grew up with. Things have changed, and so should my traditions, to reflect that. I can do things my way, now.
I think the hardest part of maturity is the confusion.
I think my New Year’s goal will be to watch Harry and Sally with someone. I’ve never had a stereotypical beginning of the year. New Orleans, a college trip we did, was kind of like that. 6 friends head out for wacky adventures and hijinks on a road trip to New Orleans for New Year’s Eve. Add more sex and more toilet humor, and you would have a teen flick. The part where E stepped on R’s crotch would have made a good moment for the movie (accident, but funny for everyone but R). Boys. Yea, Susan and I were the only girls on that trip.
My plans for the holiday. I’m spending Christmas with G (my G, not susan’s – and they do represent the same name!) We’ll call him Gustavo (ivillage baby name finder. Weird G names.)
This is my first Christmas not being home with my family. I’ve been excited about it all year. It will be somewhat strange to be spending the day with my SO rather than my family. They don’t know, of course, that he’s spending the night with me Christmas Eve, not going home. His daughter is not in the picture, as it’s her holiday to spend with her mom.
I’m not sure how I should feel about spending the holidays with my man rather than my family. I think this is part of the growing up experience, spending your special times with the people of your choosing, rather than your obligation. Hmmm. I’d jump on Susan for asking “how I should be feeling.” There is no should or shouldn’t with feeling. It just is. What I am feeling is conflicted. It will be nice to spend the time with him. It will be weird to have Christmas without my mom. I’ve been consciously staying away from my mother’s traditions – I will not recreate the holidays I grew up with. Things have changed, and so should my traditions, to reflect that. I can do things my way, now.
I think the hardest part of maturity is the confusion.
22 December 2003
I never said there was anything wrong with wanting a boyfriend person. I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting a Relationship. I just don’t think that a Romantic Partner should be what is needed to fill the holes.
You say you have enough friends and buddies, but if you hang out with them, I don’t ever hear about it. If you can make time for guys you hardly know or met online, I’m sure you could find some time to hang out with platonic friends, right? There is a social aspect of humanity that we have discussed – the need to be around other people. And when you’re with a RP or potential RP, there is a different vibe than when you’re just hanging out with people. You can just hang out with RPs or potential RPs, but it isn’t the same. You know it isn’t.
Maybe the place where we are butting heads the most is in the realm of high drama. I don’t enjoy it when my life is like a roller coaster. I did that in high school, and I wasn’t happy. There are moody stages, giddy stages, dark stages, but generally, I like to transition through those and not go from one extreme to another so quickly. In the beginning of a Relationship (or potential), there are always moments of anxiety when you just decide there is no way that he could like you or wonder why you like him, or whatever. Fine and great and good, but statements, facetiously typed or not, like “I haven’t known him long enough to have done anything to piss him off”? Or whatever it was you actually said. Come on. From the guys you’ve blown off, you know it isn’t so much like that. It’s more of a lack of attraction or connection after one or two dates rather than something one of you did or didn’t do.
One of the bigger problems with a telephone relationship is that the person at the other end of the line tends to hear the worst or best of things, with nothing in between. And sometimes not even the best – just the worst. I know you thought my relationship with B was just shit. And from what you knew about it, that’s a good conclusion. But you were having shitty dates with internet weirdos and dweebs when I was having a fantastic time in the first relationship I’ve ever had that was more or less among equals. Incompatible equals, granted, but at least we were in the same circle of the Ven diagram and could talk to one another. So most of that never got across.
Maybe you have some moments of even keel. I haven’t heard them recently. They’ve all been either madly infatuated or crushed because you gave mind, heart, body, and soul to someone you don’t know and who didn’t deserve it or didn’t know what to do with all of that right off the bat. So, likely, there are things that I don’t know about, times when the seas are remotely calm and not glaringly sunny or stormy.
You say you have enough friends and buddies, but if you hang out with them, I don’t ever hear about it. If you can make time for guys you hardly know or met online, I’m sure you could find some time to hang out with platonic friends, right? There is a social aspect of humanity that we have discussed – the need to be around other people. And when you’re with a RP or potential RP, there is a different vibe than when you’re just hanging out with people. You can just hang out with RPs or potential RPs, but it isn’t the same. You know it isn’t.
Maybe the place where we are butting heads the most is in the realm of high drama. I don’t enjoy it when my life is like a roller coaster. I did that in high school, and I wasn’t happy. There are moody stages, giddy stages, dark stages, but generally, I like to transition through those and not go from one extreme to another so quickly. In the beginning of a Relationship (or potential), there are always moments of anxiety when you just decide there is no way that he could like you or wonder why you like him, or whatever. Fine and great and good, but statements, facetiously typed or not, like “I haven’t known him long enough to have done anything to piss him off”? Or whatever it was you actually said. Come on. From the guys you’ve blown off, you know it isn’t so much like that. It’s more of a lack of attraction or connection after one or two dates rather than something one of you did or didn’t do.
One of the bigger problems with a telephone relationship is that the person at the other end of the line tends to hear the worst or best of things, with nothing in between. And sometimes not even the best – just the worst. I know you thought my relationship with B was just shit. And from what you knew about it, that’s a good conclusion. But you were having shitty dates with internet weirdos and dweebs when I was having a fantastic time in the first relationship I’ve ever had that was more or less among equals. Incompatible equals, granted, but at least we were in the same circle of the Ven diagram and could talk to one another. So most of that never got across.
Maybe you have some moments of even keel. I haven’t heard them recently. They’ve all been either madly infatuated or crushed because you gave mind, heart, body, and soul to someone you don’t know and who didn’t deserve it or didn’t know what to do with all of that right off the bat. So, likely, there are things that I don’t know about, times when the seas are remotely calm and not glaringly sunny or stormy.
Okay, now this is just my personal philosophy on life, which you’ve heard before, and other people’s philosophy is always meaningless until or unless it clicks with your life and your experience. But here goes anyway:
It is useless to look for a meaningful Relationship unless you are ready to have one. No one is ready to have a Relationship until she has reached a stage of comfortable self-acceptance. Protests aside, you are not happy with your life. You may like your job, but jobs are only a part of life. I don’t know what it is that you are missing; maybe you aren’t missing anything. Maybe you just don’t see what it is that you have. But a relationship with some guy isn’t going to fill the holes. My best guess would be that the lack is in friends, socially. You don’t seem to ever hang out or go out with anyone that you don’t have a romantic/sexual interest in. And no, romantic and sexual are not interchangeable, although at the beginning of those types of relationships, they more or less are the same, mixed feeling. We just never did separate the two and define them independently of one another, as Plato demands for a true debate.
You need to figure out what it is that you need to make yourself happy – something that doesn’t depend on or come from another person. You can’t control other people and what they do and don’t do.
It is useless to look for a meaningful Relationship unless you are ready to have one. No one is ready to have a Relationship until she has reached a stage of comfortable self-acceptance. Protests aside, you are not happy with your life. You may like your job, but jobs are only a part of life. I don’t know what it is that you are missing; maybe you aren’t missing anything. Maybe you just don’t see what it is that you have. But a relationship with some guy isn’t going to fill the holes. My best guess would be that the lack is in friends, socially. You don’t seem to ever hang out or go out with anyone that you don’t have a romantic/sexual interest in. And no, romantic and sexual are not interchangeable, although at the beginning of those types of relationships, they more or less are the same, mixed feeling. We just never did separate the two and define them independently of one another, as Plato demands for a true debate.
You need to figure out what it is that you need to make yourself happy – something that doesn’t depend on or come from another person. You can’t control other people and what they do and don’t do.
19 December 2003
This responds to nothing Susan posted. In haiku-esque response: good luck with new guy, kick ninja ass.
I am woman, hear me shriek, howl, rage, cry, and laugh. I am like a 10-speed bike, with many gears and many motions. I resist all efforts to pigeonhole, stereotype, simplify, or otherwise reduce my presence. I remember reading a feminist rant on eating disorders. The author compared anorexia to other “diminishing” behaviors that women have: apologizing when there is no need, conceding that other must be correct, speaking tentatively on subjects in which they are well-versed. She concluded that eating disorders were another way in which women try to shrink themselves, to be less and less important, to take up less space, literally. Interesting thought, I guess.
I don’t know exactly where all of this comes from. I read the transcript of the 9th of December Democratic candidates debate in New Hampshire, and noticed that, when she ran over her time and Ted Koppel cut her off, Carol Mosely-Braun apologized. A few times, repeatedly. NONE of the other candidates ever apologized. We are so socialized as women in being polite, that we tend to forget that we have a right to stand up for ourselves, too. Men never worry about being polite, and they have set up a system in which politeness is seen as a malleable weakness that can be exploited. I am not saying that we, as women, should be rude. I am just saying that being out there, expressing opinions, standing up for beliefs, being firm in our rights, none of these things should qualify us as “rude.” Yes, it is “unlady-like.” Fuck that. I’m no lady. I’m a woman. I do not need to affect social graces and ignorance to get me through life. And I won’t.
Robert Heinlein expressed his philosophy of social graces through the Lazarus Long character: he thought that formalities and politeness were necessary to keep the cogs of society rotating smoothly. Without meaningless exchanges such as:
“How are you?”
“Fine, thanks.”
in which little, if any, information is exchanged, we would grate on each other’s nerves. Very likely. But by schooling one gender in excessive exchanges of politeness in every situation, we have created half a population that can easily be put down without recourse. The inequality makes it unfair, as inequality is wont to do.
When are we going to stop putting ourselves and other women down? There are enough people "out there" doing it for us. No need to assist the opressors.
I am woman, hear me shriek, howl, rage, cry, and laugh. I am like a 10-speed bike, with many gears and many motions. I resist all efforts to pigeonhole, stereotype, simplify, or otherwise reduce my presence. I remember reading a feminist rant on eating disorders. The author compared anorexia to other “diminishing” behaviors that women have: apologizing when there is no need, conceding that other must be correct, speaking tentatively on subjects in which they are well-versed. She concluded that eating disorders were another way in which women try to shrink themselves, to be less and less important, to take up less space, literally. Interesting thought, I guess.
I don’t know exactly where all of this comes from. I read the transcript of the 9th of December Democratic candidates debate in New Hampshire, and noticed that, when she ran over her time and Ted Koppel cut her off, Carol Mosely-Braun apologized. A few times, repeatedly. NONE of the other candidates ever apologized. We are so socialized as women in being polite, that we tend to forget that we have a right to stand up for ourselves, too. Men never worry about being polite, and they have set up a system in which politeness is seen as a malleable weakness that can be exploited. I am not saying that we, as women, should be rude. I am just saying that being out there, expressing opinions, standing up for beliefs, being firm in our rights, none of these things should qualify us as “rude.” Yes, it is “unlady-like.” Fuck that. I’m no lady. I’m a woman. I do not need to affect social graces and ignorance to get me through life. And I won’t.
Robert Heinlein expressed his philosophy of social graces through the Lazarus Long character: he thought that formalities and politeness were necessary to keep the cogs of society rotating smoothly. Without meaningless exchanges such as:
“How are you?”
“Fine, thanks.”
in which little, if any, information is exchanged, we would grate on each other’s nerves. Very likely. But by schooling one gender in excessive exchanges of politeness in every situation, we have created half a population that can easily be put down without recourse. The inequality makes it unfair, as inequality is wont to do.
When are we going to stop putting ourselves and other women down? There are enough people "out there" doing it for us. No need to assist the opressors.
12 December 2003
All credit to Tori Amos
1,000 Oceans (a thousand oceans)
these tears i've cried.
i've cried 1000 oceans
and if it seems i'm.
floating. in the darkness
well, i can't believe
that i would keep.
keep you from flying.
and i would cry 1000 more
if that's what it takes
to sail you home
sail you home.
sail you home.
1,000 Oceans (a thousand oceans)
these tears i've cried.
i've cried 1000 oceans
and if it seems i'm.
floating. in the darkness
well, i can't believe
that i would keep.
keep you from flying.
and i would cry 1000 more
if that's what it takes
to sail you home
sail you home.
sail you home.
10 December 2003
Isn’t it fantastic how the holidays bring out the best in everyone?
You aren’t alone. No more so than anyone else, and I agree with Andrew that some people just hide it by immersing themselves in facades, covers for the problems that we all have. You just don’t have a scab.
Do you remember the conversation we had the other day? The one in which you pointed out that being a cold-hearted bitch is hurting me more than it hurts the people I shut out? See? There is the opposite extreme of your situation. I expect people to screw me over, to disappoint me, and to be human, more or less. Never seems human when it happens – it seems like the assholes are out to get you, but really, I think it’s just humanity. We aren’t perfect – so far from it, and we screw up and hurt each other, a lot. And to keep myself from that kind of deception and disappointment, I tend to shy away from intimacy in the emotional, true sense. Sex is one thing. I think that caring about and respecting the person you are fucking are necessary for it to be any good or worth the harassment and hassle and potential disaster. (This is not to say it isn’t a whole lot of fun, just that there are some down sides and it IS overrated.) Being open emotionally and spiritually, honest to the core about who you are, what you believe, what you have been through, and what it means to you, is something I’ve yet to manage. Yea, I do find guys. And they aren’t assholes. But eventually, you reach a cusp where the relationship must deepen – and I don’t mean falling in love, I mean sustaining the flames and sparks so that it creates something deeper and lasting – and that is the point at which I run away.
Not that we needed to shift the focus from you to me, but I was trying to share the opposite side of the equation. Opposites attract, right? That must be one of those balance things that, if we could figure it out, would make life seamlessly easy. Or so it seems. Grass is greener, etc.
I’ve been rereading Stranger in a Strange Land for about the 100th time. The water rituals, sharing water to grok one another and grow closer, seem pertinent. It isn’t about finding one person with whom all things are possible. That person doesn’t exist. It seems to be about ferreting out the small group of people who compliment you where and who you are at the moment and drawing on their strengths to grow and understand life as it is. Heinlein may have been a misogynist, but I think that is more a product of his time than it is of his true philosophies.
You aren’t alone. No more so than anyone else, and I agree with Andrew that some people just hide it by immersing themselves in facades, covers for the problems that we all have. You just don’t have a scab.
Do you remember the conversation we had the other day? The one in which you pointed out that being a cold-hearted bitch is hurting me more than it hurts the people I shut out? See? There is the opposite extreme of your situation. I expect people to screw me over, to disappoint me, and to be human, more or less. Never seems human when it happens – it seems like the assholes are out to get you, but really, I think it’s just humanity. We aren’t perfect – so far from it, and we screw up and hurt each other, a lot. And to keep myself from that kind of deception and disappointment, I tend to shy away from intimacy in the emotional, true sense. Sex is one thing. I think that caring about and respecting the person you are fucking are necessary for it to be any good or worth the harassment and hassle and potential disaster. (This is not to say it isn’t a whole lot of fun, just that there are some down sides and it IS overrated.) Being open emotionally and spiritually, honest to the core about who you are, what you believe, what you have been through, and what it means to you, is something I’ve yet to manage. Yea, I do find guys. And they aren’t assholes. But eventually, you reach a cusp where the relationship must deepen – and I don’t mean falling in love, I mean sustaining the flames and sparks so that it creates something deeper and lasting – and that is the point at which I run away.
Not that we needed to shift the focus from you to me, but I was trying to share the opposite side of the equation. Opposites attract, right? That must be one of those balance things that, if we could figure it out, would make life seamlessly easy. Or so it seems. Grass is greener, etc.
I’ve been rereading Stranger in a Strange Land for about the 100th time. The water rituals, sharing water to grok one another and grow closer, seem pertinent. It isn’t about finding one person with whom all things are possible. That person doesn’t exist. It seems to be about ferreting out the small group of people who compliment you where and who you are at the moment and drawing on their strengths to grow and understand life as it is. Heinlein may have been a misogynist, but I think that is more a product of his time than it is of his true philosophies.
07 December 2003
First things first, the internet is FUCKING WONDERFUL. I finished my Christmas/holiday shopping while listening to Grey Eye Glances and Jim Croce in my blue and green hippopotamus slippers. Woo-hoo! And I definitely found stuff that doesn't exist in the limited world of Bismarck shopping. It was kind of interesting to sit on each person's personality and likes and decide what I wanted to get each of them for the holidays, and then search for it. I do wish the computer wasn't so slow, though. That would have made things easier. I have three more gifts to buy, two birthday and one Christmas, but I'm waiting for my mother to ask my brother what CD or DVD he wants, since that's what I always get him. I found cool shit online. I love the WWW!
I get your point about Taoism, flowing with the path, and letting things be. There's no point in fighting: Resistance is Futile. It's true. I just think that people acting like assholes isn't right. Accepting people as they are is one thing, accepting shitty treatment, intended or not, isn't right. But then we have to fight against the societally-ingrained woman thing, which is to insist that we're okay and we can deal with it. True. We can. But we shouldn't have to. We all have to learn to speak up for ourselves and what is right. And to ask for what we need. No one can read our minds -- we have to ask for the things we need in life, and we should expect to get them. We deserve to be treated well and fairly, and we deserve to enjoy life. So that's my brief two cents on the issues at hand.
I get your point about Taoism, flowing with the path, and letting things be. There's no point in fighting: Resistance is Futile. It's true. I just think that people acting like assholes isn't right. Accepting people as they are is one thing, accepting shitty treatment, intended or not, isn't right. But then we have to fight against the societally-ingrained woman thing, which is to insist that we're okay and we can deal with it. True. We can. But we shouldn't have to. We all have to learn to speak up for ourselves and what is right. And to ask for what we need. No one can read our minds -- we have to ask for the things we need in life, and we should expect to get them. We deserve to be treated well and fairly, and we deserve to enjoy life. So that's my brief two cents on the issues at hand.
04 December 2003
Okay, I'm having an amazingly weird week. I am at that pathetic stage of my current relationship where I know he wants me, but I keep thinking that maybe he doesn't actually like me. You know, where you get annoyed at yourself for your regular quirks, and decide that you are totally unlovable and worthless? Okay, maybe that's just me. But I will be spending very little time with the current s.o. for the next few weeks. We're both otherwise occupied, and his daughter is spending the holidays with his ex-wife, so I do want to leave them enough time to spend together. ARGH.
I had the weirdest day yesterday. Back a few months after I started at my current job, beginning of spring or so, there was a guy at work who hit on me. Hit on me sounds so much like "I was at a bar, and..." but really he expressed interest. I find him a very interesting person, but not in that way. There are certain people (remember balin?) that I tend to hit it off with: I can talk to them and have great conversations, but while my loins remain as cool as they do when getting the oil in my car changed, they get all hot and bothered. Talking to someone does not imply that she is interested in you. Regardless, I told him as much, and he persisted with the slightly over-the-line compliments, and things cooled off for a while. So yesterday, and for the past week or so, I've been chatting with him again. It's been good -- we can still talk. I like that, and he knows I'm seeing someone, so I don't get why it should be a problem, but I still feel a little guilty. And then I talk to the current s.o., and things are good, but there's something that just doesn't come across the phone 90% of the time. It's like the Mighty Blue Kings or 7 Ft. Politic, two bands that are AWESOME live, in person, and on stage, but really just okay on CD. People are like that, too. After a while, you learn to have a phone relationship with someone, but it takes a while. I think it's frankly weird to see someone you have had mainly a phone relationship with. It just feels different. But the conversation was okay, just not FANTASTIC, which is what I want. And then I talked for a long time to the ex. Just like friends -- what's going on in your life? Hey, remember that time when we did this thing involving buildings? Yeah, I used what I learned there the other day at work. My history with him if very involved in our work together, and what we both currently do -- me at a job that I love, him at one he almost hates. Very weird.
I am glad to hear that your medical problems aren't serious enough to show up on the gooey stick test, but I do understand the "mysterious ailment" syndrome. For many years, I would periodically get weird sicknesses. I've suffered several months of morning sickness at two times in my life -- both several years before I became sexually active! And basically was asked repeatedly if I could be pregnant. And other mysterious things, not as bad as the fatigue and nausea you've described, but what good are doctors if they can't fix you? Maybe the problem is in expecting to be fixed? I don't know, to be honest, but it sucks.
I had the weirdest day yesterday. Back a few months after I started at my current job, beginning of spring or so, there was a guy at work who hit on me. Hit on me sounds so much like "I was at a bar, and..." but really he expressed interest. I find him a very interesting person, but not in that way. There are certain people (remember balin?) that I tend to hit it off with: I can talk to them and have great conversations, but while my loins remain as cool as they do when getting the oil in my car changed, they get all hot and bothered. Talking to someone does not imply that she is interested in you. Regardless, I told him as much, and he persisted with the slightly over-the-line compliments, and things cooled off for a while. So yesterday, and for the past week or so, I've been chatting with him again. It's been good -- we can still talk. I like that, and he knows I'm seeing someone, so I don't get why it should be a problem, but I still feel a little guilty. And then I talk to the current s.o., and things are good, but there's something that just doesn't come across the phone 90% of the time. It's like the Mighty Blue Kings or 7 Ft. Politic, two bands that are AWESOME live, in person, and on stage, but really just okay on CD. People are like that, too. After a while, you learn to have a phone relationship with someone, but it takes a while. I think it's frankly weird to see someone you have had mainly a phone relationship with. It just feels different. But the conversation was okay, just not FANTASTIC, which is what I want. And then I talked for a long time to the ex. Just like friends -- what's going on in your life? Hey, remember that time when we did this thing involving buildings? Yeah, I used what I learned there the other day at work. My history with him if very involved in our work together, and what we both currently do -- me at a job that I love, him at one he almost hates. Very weird.
I am glad to hear that your medical problems aren't serious enough to show up on the gooey stick test, but I do understand the "mysterious ailment" syndrome. For many years, I would periodically get weird sicknesses. I've suffered several months of morning sickness at two times in my life -- both several years before I became sexually active! And basically was asked repeatedly if I could be pregnant. And other mysterious things, not as bad as the fatigue and nausea you've described, but what good are doctors if they can't fix you? Maybe the problem is in expecting to be fixed? I don't know, to be honest, but it sucks.
Wasn’t there an epiphany a few weeks back (maybe a month or so) when you realized:
a) Jason wasn’t a friend whom you fucked – he was a fucker
b) you don’t treat friends that way, whether you fuck them or not
c) you don’t get off on getting fucked, which implies a lack of emotional connection, so it wasn’t worth it
and
d) why waste your time on a fucker?
Just wondering. Life is always 2 steps forward, 4 steps back. But the blog recorded part of that ephiphany, so I would suggest, as an historian, that you read the history you are doomed to repeat. As we discussed, I cannot imagine looking up into the face of someone who is inside of you and seeing nothing. I don’t think I could do that. It doesn’t need to be love or lifetime committment, but caring and respect are kind of a necessity.
a) Jason wasn’t a friend whom you fucked – he was a fucker
b) you don’t treat friends that way, whether you fuck them or not
c) you don’t get off on getting fucked, which implies a lack of emotional connection, so it wasn’t worth it
and
d) why waste your time on a fucker?
Just wondering. Life is always 2 steps forward, 4 steps back. But the blog recorded part of that ephiphany, so I would suggest, as an historian, that you read the history you are doomed to repeat. As we discussed, I cannot imagine looking up into the face of someone who is inside of you and seeing nothing. I don’t think I could do that. It doesn’t need to be love or lifetime committment, but caring and respect are kind of a necessity.
28 November 2003
Gee, and I really miss the holidays at home. I'm so glad you could go, and then I can experience it vicariously. Oh, wait! My evil plan has worked! My mother has supplanted me with a proxy daughter -- and you got caught in the net! So at least someone gets to experience thanks-giving with my newly inaugurated butt pirate brother, his knocked-up dumb-ass girlfriend, my nutcase mother, and her crazy friends. And you managed to work dog sex into the whole thing, which proves that beastiality makes the holidays fun for the whole family.
And people wonder why I moved away from the South and my family. It's amazing what a shine 2000 miles can put on something. Siberia rocks.
And people wonder why I moved away from the South and my family. It's amazing what a shine 2000 miles can put on something. Siberia rocks.
27 November 2003
Well, another Turkey day has passed, and for the fifth year in a row, I have been at what I fondly refer to as an "orphans" gathering -- where all the people who don't have family nearby go for a family holiday. I don't miss being home, except for the not having to cook anything and having tons of great food. For the first three of those years, I was the host and cooked the turkey bird. Raw turkey is absolutely disgusting. Ick. I don't miss that. For some reason, I cannot for the life of me remember what it was I did last year. It's a blur. That's weird, when you can't remember what you did for the last holiday. I'm sure I was somewhere eating, but I don't have a clue who with or where. Hmmm. Old age, apparently.
I don't know about these holidays. On one hand, I think it's great that we've institutionalized days to remember the things and people important to us. But on the other, for those without family nearby or family they want to spend time with, it kinda sucks. I've enjoy making things my way, rather than having my mother organise our entire holiday. There's something liberatingly adult (the good kind, not the bill-paying responsible kind) about deciding how it is you would like to spend a holiday, a day that society has ultimately, for whatever reason, deemed Important and Meaningful. And that includes choosing not to celebrate that holiday. I like the fact that, if I so chose, I could decide NOT to celebrate Christmas, my least favorite holiday. I hate the commercialism of Christmas, the inescapability of the damn season, the fucking red and green, the carols EVERYWHERE, and the frenetic pace of the whole season. I like the idea of recognizing your family and friends and thanking them for what they contribute to your life. I've traveled home for the past many number of years, flying in in a frenzy, rushing around trying to navigate the damned suburbs of Atlanta in my mother's car to see all the friends and family I have in the area. Last year, I flew in to Hartsfield at 5:30 am Christmas morning, leaving the west coast the night before. Ugh. I hate that. I hadn't been sure where I would be or doing what, so I postponed getting tickets until the last minute -- and that's what I got. This year, I am not going home. I've been preparing my mother for this since March. She may survive the shock.
But the best thing is that this year, I can do it the way I want to. The important part will be servicing the kitty -- I'm going to get a tree for him to climb. What a present! Aren't I a good kitty servant? I'm thinking wired to the wall, the tree may actually not fall down too many times. Fun with cats and fun with trees. Fun from outdoors brought indoors. New traditions.....
I don't know about these holidays. On one hand, I think it's great that we've institutionalized days to remember the things and people important to us. But on the other, for those without family nearby or family they want to spend time with, it kinda sucks. I've enjoy making things my way, rather than having my mother organise our entire holiday. There's something liberatingly adult (the good kind, not the bill-paying responsible kind) about deciding how it is you would like to spend a holiday, a day that society has ultimately, for whatever reason, deemed Important and Meaningful. And that includes choosing not to celebrate that holiday. I like the fact that, if I so chose, I could decide NOT to celebrate Christmas, my least favorite holiday. I hate the commercialism of Christmas, the inescapability of the damn season, the fucking red and green, the carols EVERYWHERE, and the frenetic pace of the whole season. I like the idea of recognizing your family and friends and thanking them for what they contribute to your life. I've traveled home for the past many number of years, flying in in a frenzy, rushing around trying to navigate the damned suburbs of Atlanta in my mother's car to see all the friends and family I have in the area. Last year, I flew in to Hartsfield at 5:30 am Christmas morning, leaving the west coast the night before. Ugh. I hate that. I hadn't been sure where I would be or doing what, so I postponed getting tickets until the last minute -- and that's what I got. This year, I am not going home. I've been preparing my mother for this since March. She may survive the shock.
But the best thing is that this year, I can do it the way I want to. The important part will be servicing the kitty -- I'm going to get a tree for him to climb. What a present! Aren't I a good kitty servant? I'm thinking wired to the wall, the tree may actually not fall down too many times. Fun with cats and fun with trees. Fun from outdoors brought indoors. New traditions.....
26 November 2003
Okay, yeah, I’ll admit a metrosexual trainer sounds fun, but where the hell would I find one? There are no metrosexuals in Siberia. For one thing, there are no metros here, and for the other, the sexuals are kept mostly under wraps. It’s like Christo for your sexuality. As though the whole state has a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. It’s the same, more or less, if you’re a liberal. Don’t ask, don’t tell, and we can all perk along at the same status quo rate of life that just thrills the hell out of me. Our legislature actually had a discussion about the legal issues inherent in licensing cosmeticians for bikini waxing. The differences between a Brazilian wax and a regular bikini wax were discussed (after being explained to) by a bunch of middle aged white men. And you can bet few, if any, would consider metrosexuality a reality, a possibility, or of interest.
I have a few choice words for you on siblings: You can do NOTHING for them when they choose to fuck up their lives. It’s the same with other family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances, etc. and so on down the line. You control no one but yourself. How is it, though, that two children raised in the same environment by the same people turn out so differently? You and your sister share genes, too, for fuck’s sake! So you’re basically supposed to start out life on the same foot, but she ends up flunking out of grad school and with no social skills, and you end up with a career and more dating experience than anyone else I know.
At least my brother and I cannot claim the same genes. There are some reasons to be thankful for adoption. But this case study does really make an argument for nature over nurture. But then again, he was a boy and I was a girl, and that really does change not only the expectations that your parents place on you, but those of society, and the way that you each are treated. He got away with much more than I did, partially because I’m the oldest, but also because he was a boy and there was less emphasis placed on learning how to act and being responsible for one’s actions. After all, people still believe that “boys will be boys” and will act out, and that’s just normal and okay. This is the same society, remember, that still can’t help blaming the rape victim or the abuse victim. The same societal malaise that refuses to admit that we condone a world in which women are still second-class citizens.
But back to MY sibling, he’s in jail again. I wish he would become a real criminal, and learn how to rob people, or steal cars, or jump trains, or even threaten. Instead, he’s in jail for the THIRD time for something incredibly stupid. It’s a matter of thinking. I remember my mother constantly telling me I needed to think before I acted, think before I spoke. I don’t always, but I do realize that my stupidity has consequences. My brother, well, he just never figured that one out. He’s going to end up in prison, just like I told my parents he would back when he was 10. And I’m not even clairvoyant. I guess this makes Christmas shopping easy: cigarettes and soap on a rope. For the good Catholic boy in prison, where can I find one with a picture of the Pope on it? Pope soap on a rope!
I have a few choice words for you on siblings: You can do NOTHING for them when they choose to fuck up their lives. It’s the same with other family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances, etc. and so on down the line. You control no one but yourself. How is it, though, that two children raised in the same environment by the same people turn out so differently? You and your sister share genes, too, for fuck’s sake! So you’re basically supposed to start out life on the same foot, but she ends up flunking out of grad school and with no social skills, and you end up with a career and more dating experience than anyone else I know.
At least my brother and I cannot claim the same genes. There are some reasons to be thankful for adoption. But this case study does really make an argument for nature over nurture. But then again, he was a boy and I was a girl, and that really does change not only the expectations that your parents place on you, but those of society, and the way that you each are treated. He got away with much more than I did, partially because I’m the oldest, but also because he was a boy and there was less emphasis placed on learning how to act and being responsible for one’s actions. After all, people still believe that “boys will be boys” and will act out, and that’s just normal and okay. This is the same society, remember, that still can’t help blaming the rape victim or the abuse victim. The same societal malaise that refuses to admit that we condone a world in which women are still second-class citizens.
But back to MY sibling, he’s in jail again. I wish he would become a real criminal, and learn how to rob people, or steal cars, or jump trains, or even threaten. Instead, he’s in jail for the THIRD time for something incredibly stupid. It’s a matter of thinking. I remember my mother constantly telling me I needed to think before I acted, think before I spoke. I don’t always, but I do realize that my stupidity has consequences. My brother, well, he just never figured that one out. He’s going to end up in prison, just like I told my parents he would back when he was 10. And I’m not even clairvoyant. I guess this makes Christmas shopping easy: cigarettes and soap on a rope. For the good Catholic boy in prison, where can I find one with a picture of the Pope on it? Pope soap on a rope!
24 November 2003
It’s Monday morning. According to the thermometer outside the window of my spare bedroom, it was exactly ZERO degrees when I left my house, despite the deceiving sunnyness. The trees are covered in hoarfrost, making lacy white sparkly patterns against a soft blue sky. It’s pretty outside, but frickin cold.
I hate Monday mornings basically because it takes half the morning to figure out what it is that needs my attention immediately. I know that I have emails I need to answer (yes, they’re work-related) but the email system is acting up and I’m unwilling to battle it right now. I have a stack of things to read, and a to-do list, but the only things that seem to make it on to the list are things I keep not getting around to doing because they aren’t significant enough. Oh, and it’s cold in the office, too. We have giant windows, which are great, but they also suck off the heat. To combat this, an HVAC system was installed right in front of the windows – but the heat isn’t on for some reason. Brrrr.
I cannot believe that it is late November. I don’ t know where the time goes, but it does disappear when you are a working drone. 8 hours a day makes the days go away. Granted, if I look back at the last 8 months, so much has changed that it makes the lost time seem well-spent, or at least I can get an idea of how it was spent. I feel different than I did then – a little more confident that I can be a competant working drone. I’ve hated every job I’ve ever had until now. I hated going there every day. I’m still not sold on the every day thing, but I have some really good days to go with the mediocre and the shitty ones. I generally like what I do, and most of the people that I do it with. I’m not so sure about this snowing in October (we’ve now had our second snowfall of the year, which, coming from places where one was a big deal and not an annual event, is new and frankly cold).
I don’t know. I’m in a pensive mood, happy, but needing time to sit on my ass and think. And I won’t get that today. After work I have to go to a public meeting and listen to the city tell me why they have to widen a two-lane street to prevent this town’s version of “traffic” (i.e. a two-minute delay on ONE north-south corridor – there are other, quicker options). The street goes through our historic district, and not only are the frontages not big enough to support street widening without people losing their small front yards, but there are gorgeous street trees (which are not old – they are in their prime, according to the city forester) which will be torn down. They add to the character of the district and the quality of life not only for the people who live there, but for people like me who occasionally drive around to look at the prettier parts of town (and dream of living someplace that is visually pleasant, rather than in my suitable but drab and without a view basment apartment.) Ah, dreams.
I hate Monday mornings basically because it takes half the morning to figure out what it is that needs my attention immediately. I know that I have emails I need to answer (yes, they’re work-related) but the email system is acting up and I’m unwilling to battle it right now. I have a stack of things to read, and a to-do list, but the only things that seem to make it on to the list are things I keep not getting around to doing because they aren’t significant enough. Oh, and it’s cold in the office, too. We have giant windows, which are great, but they also suck off the heat. To combat this, an HVAC system was installed right in front of the windows – but the heat isn’t on for some reason. Brrrr.
I cannot believe that it is late November. I don’ t know where the time goes, but it does disappear when you are a working drone. 8 hours a day makes the days go away. Granted, if I look back at the last 8 months, so much has changed that it makes the lost time seem well-spent, or at least I can get an idea of how it was spent. I feel different than I did then – a little more confident that I can be a competant working drone. I’ve hated every job I’ve ever had until now. I hated going there every day. I’m still not sold on the every day thing, but I have some really good days to go with the mediocre and the shitty ones. I generally like what I do, and most of the people that I do it with. I’m not so sure about this snowing in October (we’ve now had our second snowfall of the year, which, coming from places where one was a big deal and not an annual event, is new and frankly cold).
I don’t know. I’m in a pensive mood, happy, but needing time to sit on my ass and think. And I won’t get that today. After work I have to go to a public meeting and listen to the city tell me why they have to widen a two-lane street to prevent this town’s version of “traffic” (i.e. a two-minute delay on ONE north-south corridor – there are other, quicker options). The street goes through our historic district, and not only are the frontages not big enough to support street widening without people losing their small front yards, but there are gorgeous street trees (which are not old – they are in their prime, according to the city forester) which will be torn down. They add to the character of the district and the quality of life not only for the people who live there, but for people like me who occasionally drive around to look at the prettier parts of town (and dream of living someplace that is visually pleasant, rather than in my suitable but drab and without a view basment apartment.) Ah, dreams.
20 November 2003
Work-related gripe:
I work with mostly non-professional writers who are generally writing on subjects that, even if they are used to writing, they are not used to writing about. The essays that they are required to write (may I mention that the program is voluntary and you sign yourself up?) are outlined and described in an instructional booklet. The booklet clearly describes how the process works, including how many essays there are (2), how they need to be written, and what the subject of each essay is. IN DETAIL. And yet, I spend half my days explaining these things to people! When you call someone and say, “I want to get involved in this, send me some information.” and the person at the other end of the line obliges you, shouldn’t you give her the courtesy of reading the information before calling with 20 questions?
Oh, and here’s the kicker – it’s not the farmers, housewives, and small town folks that I have problems with. Their writing is simple, and they don’t usually know comma rules, and they tend towards the vernacular in language. But they understand the simple concepts involved in writing these short descriptive essays, and they have a grasp of basic sentence structure. These are the people we often thing of as uneducated. The people I have problems with are the engineers, architects, and doctors (of something, although definitely not of English) who think that they can write, but can’t. These people have college degrees, often more than one, in fact, and yet do not know how to write a complete sentence. And what the hell is it with capital letters? Why are there capital letters everywhere? We’re not the fucking Germans! We don’t capitalize all our nouns! And architects are the worst about it. I know they don’t have the excuse of being multi-lingual, as they usually don’t even have a language requirement! ARGH!
When did we stop teaching basic writing and communication skills?
I work with mostly non-professional writers who are generally writing on subjects that, even if they are used to writing, they are not used to writing about. The essays that they are required to write (may I mention that the program is voluntary and you sign yourself up?) are outlined and described in an instructional booklet. The booklet clearly describes how the process works, including how many essays there are (2), how they need to be written, and what the subject of each essay is. IN DETAIL. And yet, I spend half my days explaining these things to people! When you call someone and say, “I want to get involved in this, send me some information.” and the person at the other end of the line obliges you, shouldn’t you give her the courtesy of reading the information before calling with 20 questions?
Oh, and here’s the kicker – it’s not the farmers, housewives, and small town folks that I have problems with. Their writing is simple, and they don’t usually know comma rules, and they tend towards the vernacular in language. But they understand the simple concepts involved in writing these short descriptive essays, and they have a grasp of basic sentence structure. These are the people we often thing of as uneducated. The people I have problems with are the engineers, architects, and doctors (of something, although definitely not of English) who think that they can write, but can’t. These people have college degrees, often more than one, in fact, and yet do not know how to write a complete sentence. And what the hell is it with capital letters? Why are there capital letters everywhere? We’re not the fucking Germans! We don’t capitalize all our nouns! And architects are the worst about it. I know they don’t have the excuse of being multi-lingual, as they usually don’t even have a language requirement! ARGH!
When did we stop teaching basic writing and communication skills?
18 November 2003
ADDENDUM:
We got a comment!
In my last post, I was discussing the complications of dating a single father. The comment suggests the problem is that I've been introduced to his daughter too soon, and she shouldn't be involved until things "get serious" (for lack of a better euphemism). This may be true.
Let me explain a few things, potentially mitigating circumstances:
1) The s.o. and I live a few hours apart. We don't usually hang out for an hour -- it's a full day or more event.
2) When we met, I was introduced to the daughter as a friend. There was nothing going on between me and her father at the time. Not being a parent, nor divorce, I have to guess that single parents usually introduce their friends to their children. We were hiking buddies for a while before anything happened. So when we got involved, I had already met her.
3) The choice of involving the daughter was made by her father, not by me. I have asked questions, been interested, and done my best to learn about their relationship, but have not pressed the issue of her getting to know me, me getting to know her, or the three of us spending time together. What I've been trying to do is let her talk to me, when and where she is comfortable with it. I don't know what else to do.
Thanks for the comments! More encouraged. Dating a single father is 100% uncharted territory for me, and dealing with a 13 year old is also new. As always, I need all the help I can get.
Oh, and thanks for reading the minutiae of our lives.
We got a comment!
In my last post, I was discussing the complications of dating a single father. The comment suggests the problem is that I've been introduced to his daughter too soon, and she shouldn't be involved until things "get serious" (for lack of a better euphemism). This may be true.
Let me explain a few things, potentially mitigating circumstances:
1) The s.o. and I live a few hours apart. We don't usually hang out for an hour -- it's a full day or more event.
2) When we met, I was introduced to the daughter as a friend. There was nothing going on between me and her father at the time. Not being a parent, nor divorce, I have to guess that single parents usually introduce their friends to their children. We were hiking buddies for a while before anything happened. So when we got involved, I had already met her.
3) The choice of involving the daughter was made by her father, not by me. I have asked questions, been interested, and done my best to learn about their relationship, but have not pressed the issue of her getting to know me, me getting to know her, or the three of us spending time together. What I've been trying to do is let her talk to me, when and where she is comfortable with it. I don't know what else to do.
Thanks for the comments! More encouraged. Dating a single father is 100% uncharted territory for me, and dealing with a 13 year old is also new. As always, I need all the help I can get.
Oh, and thanks for reading the minutiae of our lives.
I cannot imagine paying anyone to kick my ass on a regular basis. But then again, I would never get into fantastic shape without it, and I would never choose a life track that physically challenging – I’d hate it. But you go, girl! Kick some ass. Literally.
I asked the s.o., and he said his daughter doesn’t hate me – she actually likes me. But she’s kind of in a pissy stage of life, which apparently prohibits her from exhibiting too much pleasure. And she isn’t so sure about her dad dating right now. His take on the issue seems to be that she has the tools to deal with this – including open communication with her father. He knows her better than anyone else. They have an incredible relationship, even if more permissive than what I grew up with, and I have to trust his skills. I do feel better knowing that he’s aware that his daughter isn’t completely okay with him dating – oblivion is hard to deal with.
I’ve read a few articles lately dealing with girls and young women’s clothing. A friend of mine in Arizona said there’s a group of college and high school girls protesting that they cannot find things to wear – summer clothing covers so little now, but is in the stores forever in sunny AZ. I hear the same thing in our papers here – high school girls are having problems finding clothing that they are allowed to wear to school, nonetheless clothes that they feel comfortable in. Why are young girls being so sexualized, so exploited by their own clothing? I don’t have a problem with women showing their bodies, to the degree to which they feel comfortable. But they shouldn’t have to, and with the clothing I see in the malls here, there aren’t many choices. If a 20 year old woman chooses to wear revealing clothing, fine. When a 13 year old girl wears low-slung jeans, a thong showing out the back, and a baby t-shirt that says “Cowgirl Ranch: Saddle Up for a Wild Ride,” there’s something wrong! Parents should be involved in these clothing decisions, but what can they do when there are no choices? And why are these styles coming up? I find it a disturbing trend. Does this have anything to do with what looks like the rise in child molestation? Or is it that we are becoming more aware of molestation, and just recognize and prosecute this crime, instead of hiding it?
The other thing that I’ve been looking at lately is politics. I have a feeling that it’s going to take me until February to figure out who to vote for in the Democratic primary. NPR has been doing interviews with the candidates, and they are available on their website. So far, they’ve interviewed John Edwards, John Kerry, Dennis Kucinich, Wesley Clark, and Howard Dean. It is interesting to hear them speak, rather than just read their words. I don’t know how people chose candidates before the internet – I cannot imagine relying on my local newspaper for my political news. It should be interesting to hear the debates that are coming up. I will be watching for candidates who listen to questions, answer the question that was asked, and who listen to one another. A platform is a great thing, but we need a leader who can think on her feet – or his feet. (Although one who can read a teleprompter smoothly would be an improvement.)
More on the upcoming family gathering and birthday party after it happens….
I asked the s.o., and he said his daughter doesn’t hate me – she actually likes me. But she’s kind of in a pissy stage of life, which apparently prohibits her from exhibiting too much pleasure. And she isn’t so sure about her dad dating right now. His take on the issue seems to be that she has the tools to deal with this – including open communication with her father. He knows her better than anyone else. They have an incredible relationship, even if more permissive than what I grew up with, and I have to trust his skills. I do feel better knowing that he’s aware that his daughter isn’t completely okay with him dating – oblivion is hard to deal with.
I’ve read a few articles lately dealing with girls and young women’s clothing. A friend of mine in Arizona said there’s a group of college and high school girls protesting that they cannot find things to wear – summer clothing covers so little now, but is in the stores forever in sunny AZ. I hear the same thing in our papers here – high school girls are having problems finding clothing that they are allowed to wear to school, nonetheless clothes that they feel comfortable in. Why are young girls being so sexualized, so exploited by their own clothing? I don’t have a problem with women showing their bodies, to the degree to which they feel comfortable. But they shouldn’t have to, and with the clothing I see in the malls here, there aren’t many choices. If a 20 year old woman chooses to wear revealing clothing, fine. When a 13 year old girl wears low-slung jeans, a thong showing out the back, and a baby t-shirt that says “Cowgirl Ranch: Saddle Up for a Wild Ride,” there’s something wrong! Parents should be involved in these clothing decisions, but what can they do when there are no choices? And why are these styles coming up? I find it a disturbing trend. Does this have anything to do with what looks like the rise in child molestation? Or is it that we are becoming more aware of molestation, and just recognize and prosecute this crime, instead of hiding it?
The other thing that I’ve been looking at lately is politics. I have a feeling that it’s going to take me until February to figure out who to vote for in the Democratic primary. NPR has been doing interviews with the candidates, and they are available on their website. So far, they’ve interviewed John Edwards, John Kerry, Dennis Kucinich, Wesley Clark, and Howard Dean. It is interesting to hear them speak, rather than just read their words. I don’t know how people chose candidates before the internet – I cannot imagine relying on my local newspaper for my political news. It should be interesting to hear the debates that are coming up. I will be watching for candidates who listen to questions, answer the question that was asked, and who listen to one another. A platform is a great thing, but we need a leader who can think on her feet – or his feet. (Although one who can read a teleprompter smoothly would be an improvement.)
More on the upcoming family gathering and birthday party after it happens….
17 November 2003
They do say that it never rains, it pours. And who sang "It's raining men"? Mojo or moxie, they are drawn to (and scared away by) confidence and class -- contradictory bastards!
As for the deeper question of "break-its," I think it boils down to how people live their lives. Contradictory viewpoints can add spice to a relationship in a non-sexual way -- definitely a good thing. What's hotter than a good debate? Live by the dictionary, die by the dictionary, because, as Plato said, you cannot argue something without defining your terms. But if a man thinks women who don't want to have children are suspect or phoney or not nice, does that translate into him wanting a woman who will bear him many children and raise them with him? That would be a relationship deal breaker, at least for a non-maternally-inclined woman (i.e. you or me). Or does it even just translate into wanting kids? The issue of wanting children IS a deal breaker. If one partner does and the other doesn't, you ultimately have a lifestyle/life goal conflict, which, in most cases, is best solved by both involved parties seeking other relationships. Just my opinion, though. Look at one of my break-its: workaholics. I cannot ever see myself living with someone who lives for his work. I hate that. What I love about work, as opposed to life as a student, is that, at the end of my 8 hours, I go home. I don't take work home with me. I frequently spend weekends or evenings at events and other work-related things, as my job sort of leads to that, but when I'm home, I'm off work. That's my time. Break-its are all about lifestyle, not so much about beliefs. But most of the time, beliefs guide or influence or even dictate lifestyle. (Look at religion, for example).
So my life. I started dating a divorced single father about a month or two ago. He has a 12-year old daughter. They spent the weekend with me. I don't think she spoke to me the entire weekend. Last night, after they left, I wasn't too happy about the situation. I like this guy, but I really have no clue how to deal with a pissy teenager (or a child in general, not having any) and I'm not sure I'm up for it. I don't need her to like me, just to generally be polite (as in, say hi and goodbye and acknowledge that I'm present, especially in my own house!) I was taking it pretty personally last evening, but I've cooled down. I think 90% of it is a combination of 2 factors: She's a shy 12 y.o. girl (awkward age) and she doesn't really like dad dating. Can't really blame her for either. At some point, though, being 12 is no longer an excuse for basically being rude. I can understand her not being thrilled about her dad dating again. There's no chance for her parents getting back together, and I think her mom's dated a reasonable amount since the divorce. But she lives with her dad and has had his undivided attention for a few years now, and I can see how she wouldn't want to give that up. She doesn't know me well enough to hate, despise, or villify me on any actual basis -- I'm just the hate-able girlfriend.
Biggest problem: I don't think her dad sees the problem. He wants everything to be hunky-dory, so he sees it as such. I don't know that he was prepared for dealing with the issue. It may help for us to back off a little, and for him to spend some more time with her, but they have all week every week (we live 2 hours apart), and when he makes plans for them on the weekend, she often chooses not to go.
I don't know. Why the hell do I complicate my life? Oh yeah: "We love because it is the only true adventure." (Nikki Giovanni). Susan suggested that I just ask him, innocently, if I'd done anything to offend the kid, because she didn't really seem to enjoy her weekend. The answer, of course, again, as Susan succinctly put it, is that I'm fucking her father, even if not in the shower, and that's enough. True. We'll see what he says, and how it goes, and then, as another friend suggested, I can always get food poisioning on Friday night and not be able to make the weekend (it is her birthday, and if she more or less hates my guts, why push the issue on what is supposed to be "her" day? Wicked plans can be formulated and used later.)
ARGH!
As for the deeper question of "break-its," I think it boils down to how people live their lives. Contradictory viewpoints can add spice to a relationship in a non-sexual way -- definitely a good thing. What's hotter than a good debate? Live by the dictionary, die by the dictionary, because, as Plato said, you cannot argue something without defining your terms. But if a man thinks women who don't want to have children are suspect or phoney or not nice, does that translate into him wanting a woman who will bear him many children and raise them with him? That would be a relationship deal breaker, at least for a non-maternally-inclined woman (i.e. you or me). Or does it even just translate into wanting kids? The issue of wanting children IS a deal breaker. If one partner does and the other doesn't, you ultimately have a lifestyle/life goal conflict, which, in most cases, is best solved by both involved parties seeking other relationships. Just my opinion, though. Look at one of my break-its: workaholics. I cannot ever see myself living with someone who lives for his work. I hate that. What I love about work, as opposed to life as a student, is that, at the end of my 8 hours, I go home. I don't take work home with me. I frequently spend weekends or evenings at events and other work-related things, as my job sort of leads to that, but when I'm home, I'm off work. That's my time. Break-its are all about lifestyle, not so much about beliefs. But most of the time, beliefs guide or influence or even dictate lifestyle. (Look at religion, for example).
So my life. I started dating a divorced single father about a month or two ago. He has a 12-year old daughter. They spent the weekend with me. I don't think she spoke to me the entire weekend. Last night, after they left, I wasn't too happy about the situation. I like this guy, but I really have no clue how to deal with a pissy teenager (or a child in general, not having any) and I'm not sure I'm up for it. I don't need her to like me, just to generally be polite (as in, say hi and goodbye and acknowledge that I'm present, especially in my own house!) I was taking it pretty personally last evening, but I've cooled down. I think 90% of it is a combination of 2 factors: She's a shy 12 y.o. girl (awkward age) and she doesn't really like dad dating. Can't really blame her for either. At some point, though, being 12 is no longer an excuse for basically being rude. I can understand her not being thrilled about her dad dating again. There's no chance for her parents getting back together, and I think her mom's dated a reasonable amount since the divorce. But she lives with her dad and has had his undivided attention for a few years now, and I can see how she wouldn't want to give that up. She doesn't know me well enough to hate, despise, or villify me on any actual basis -- I'm just the hate-able girlfriend.
Biggest problem: I don't think her dad sees the problem. He wants everything to be hunky-dory, so he sees it as such. I don't know that he was prepared for dealing with the issue. It may help for us to back off a little, and for him to spend some more time with her, but they have all week every week (we live 2 hours apart), and when he makes plans for them on the weekend, she often chooses not to go.
I don't know. Why the hell do I complicate my life? Oh yeah: "We love because it is the only true adventure." (Nikki Giovanni). Susan suggested that I just ask him, innocently, if I'd done anything to offend the kid, because she didn't really seem to enjoy her weekend. The answer, of course, again, as Susan succinctly put it, is that I'm fucking her father, even if not in the shower, and that's enough. True. We'll see what he says, and how it goes, and then, as another friend suggested, I can always get food poisioning on Friday night and not be able to make the weekend (it is her birthday, and if she more or less hates my guts, why push the issue on what is supposed to be "her" day? Wicked plans can be formulated and used later.)
ARGH!
09 November 2003
You ALMOST became one? When was that? And do NOT tell me that giving up pork (because you don't like it) constitutes almost becoming a Jew!
Joining a gym is fine. I tried it (granted, it was the YMCA) and didn't like it. That mainly comes from not finding classes to attend. Anyone who knows me is well aware of the fact that you more or less need to trick me into exercise. I hate the machines and won't go if I think I can get out of it (mentally). I think it's god-awfully expensive, but so be it. Whatever works for you, you know? And this is a positive thing -- working out is supposed to be good for you, right?
On another note: the "honeymoon stage" of a relationship. This is a beautiful thing. I love being a part of it, in the midst of it, in the swing of it, but hate knowing that it will end. I don't think anyone could live in this state forever (and who would want to try? I want no part of a Brave New World of "happiness," and the minor ups and downs are what give depth, shadow, and perspective to life. Wallace Stevens writes, "Death is the mother of beauty; hence from her,/ Alone, shall come fulfillment to our dreams/ And our desires." And it's true. Only loss or the potential of loss makes poignant the joy or beauty we currently possess. Only the knowledge of winter's imminence engenders us to enjoy the motley silks of autumn, the shiver in the air enticing our blood to pump thicker.
On yet the last thing going in my life: I am contemplating introducing yet another pussy in my life. I have one cat, joy and master in my life, who choose me back in March. Sullivan is a pretty grey tabby who turned one in May. He is demanding and needy and fun and cute and is the first roommate who doesn't drive me batty 60% of the time. But I leave him alone all day every day, plus visits to the aforementioned s.o. and travel for work. I think he's lonely. The humane society I got this creature from has many others up for adoption, of course (Bob Barker and I agree: SPAY OR NEUTER!) I have two potential kitty brothers for him -- but I need to clear it with my landlady and Sullivan first. They have so many cute kitties and puppies that have been given up by people. I don't know how anyone could do it -- to give up a creature. People suck.
Oh, and one last dilemma that's come up since I started this post last night: my current significant other is divorced and a single father with primary custody. He lives in the same town as his ex's family. His daughter's birthday is two weekends away, with a party to which I am invited, at which I would meet his ex-in-laws. Do I go and get the curiosity (SMALL town) over with (for them, not me) or do I find a reason not to go? He gave me an out, saying I didn't have to come if I didn't want to play 20 Questions, but I almost feel like I should just get the meeting out of the way -- I will have to do it eventually! Argh. Family are complicated, and relationships even more so.
Joining a gym is fine. I tried it (granted, it was the YMCA) and didn't like it. That mainly comes from not finding classes to attend. Anyone who knows me is well aware of the fact that you more or less need to trick me into exercise. I hate the machines and won't go if I think I can get out of it (mentally). I think it's god-awfully expensive, but so be it. Whatever works for you, you know? And this is a positive thing -- working out is supposed to be good for you, right?
On another note: the "honeymoon stage" of a relationship. This is a beautiful thing. I love being a part of it, in the midst of it, in the swing of it, but hate knowing that it will end. I don't think anyone could live in this state forever (and who would want to try? I want no part of a Brave New World of "happiness," and the minor ups and downs are what give depth, shadow, and perspective to life. Wallace Stevens writes, "Death is the mother of beauty; hence from her,/ Alone, shall come fulfillment to our dreams/ And our desires." And it's true. Only loss or the potential of loss makes poignant the joy or beauty we currently possess. Only the knowledge of winter's imminence engenders us to enjoy the motley silks of autumn, the shiver in the air enticing our blood to pump thicker.
On yet the last thing going in my life: I am contemplating introducing yet another pussy in my life. I have one cat, joy and master in my life, who choose me back in March. Sullivan is a pretty grey tabby who turned one in May. He is demanding and needy and fun and cute and is the first roommate who doesn't drive me batty 60% of the time. But I leave him alone all day every day, plus visits to the aforementioned s.o. and travel for work. I think he's lonely. The humane society I got this creature from has many others up for adoption, of course (Bob Barker and I agree: SPAY OR NEUTER!) I have two potential kitty brothers for him -- but I need to clear it with my landlady and Sullivan first. They have so many cute kitties and puppies that have been given up by people. I don't know how anyone could do it -- to give up a creature. People suck.
Oh, and one last dilemma that's come up since I started this post last night: my current significant other is divorced and a single father with primary custody. He lives in the same town as his ex's family. His daughter's birthday is two weekends away, with a party to which I am invited, at which I would meet his ex-in-laws. Do I go and get the curiosity (SMALL town) over with (for them, not me) or do I find a reason not to go? He gave me an out, saying I didn't have to come if I didn't want to play 20 Questions, but I almost feel like I should just get the meeting out of the way -- I will have to do it eventually! Argh. Family are complicated, and relationships even more so.
07 November 2003
I’m firmly convinced that age means nothing. Of course, that’s easy to say when you’re dating someone 14 years older than you…. It’s easy to make excuses for your statements. Regardless, it doesn’t seem to matter what age you are – the only real attachments to age are socially-imposed. The number itself is like money – meaningless. And there is no gold standard behind age. Numbers confuse us because they seem objective, but they are just representative symbols and in the case of age, they represent a number of years passed. WHATEVER!
Cattle prods are necessary for some things. I don’t know how to continue my righteous outrage long enough to prod me into action. I want to be active and political and involved, but I just don’t seem to get around to it. PAC of one, defunct.
I have to go – the computer is beeping at me. And I have plans with my coworkers tonight.
Cattle prods are necessary for some things. I don’t know how to continue my righteous outrage long enough to prod me into action. I want to be active and political and involved, but I just don’t seem to get around to it. PAC of one, defunct.
I have to go – the computer is beeping at me. And I have plans with my coworkers tonight.
05 November 2003
I think just becoming political might be enough of a revolution. Seeing as how only about 24% of our demographic voted in the last dumbfuckery we called an election, the majority of us are complaining while standing on our own two clay feet. Not me. I did vote, but was still shocked, ashamed, and disgusted. It was interesting to be in Oregon for the last election – not only was there actually a good contingent of Nader support, but we had something like 50 ballot measures at the state level. Government gone awry. I would highly suggest the book "Manifesta" by Jennifer Baumgardner and Amy Richards. A discussion of the history of and the current direction of feminism, it's a motivating read -- get involved. You can do something; you just have to figure out what your strengths are and what it is you have to offer.
I’ve been spending some time with the “elephants dressed as donkeys” (Sharpton’s comment). I really am not sure. There are a few people I can knock off of my radar pretty quickly – a few of the guys just seem like typical good ole boy politicians, and I think s.g.’s right about Moseley Braun – she isn’t much electable. I think part of that has to do with her double race/gender bind, but most of it has to do with the fact that 1) she’s got small potatoes experience, more or less (not that that would necessarily hamstring a man, but to be realistic, women do have to at least doubly prove themselves); 2) her opinions seem generic – positive, but generic; and 3) I don’t think she can raise the money for running. As for the rest of them, it’s funny to read s.g’s comments about Kucinich (if I spelled that right) – I like him. He’s good, Kerry’s good, Dean is interesting. Those are the three I’ve been convinced to look into further. Sharpton interests me mostly because he does more or less say whatever is on his mind. I think some of it is true, and some of it is inflammatory (and the latter I dislike), but he’s more upfront than politicians typically are.
I am going to try an experiment – once I’ve read more on the candidates I am most interested in, I am going to try writing them (email, if their websites offer it) and see what kind of response I get. Just curious. I like to write letters, so it should be interesting. I have a year to figure out how people get involved in politics in America’s Siberia, and I will be exploring the feminist fringe, as soon as I find it.
On other notes, I understand the hollowness s.g.’s describing when she talks about sex without caring. I can’t imagine fucking someone I didn’t respect – well, I can, but it doesn’t work! If I just want to orgasm, I can do that on my own, or with toys. They’re cheaper and ask less of you than a fuck buddy. And, gee, despite the Catholic upbringing (thankful to be in recovery), no guilt! Sex is often overrated as “an expression of love,” or some other poetic bullshit. Sex should be fun, physically enjoyable, and comforting, in the aspect of physical closeness and touching. But I don’t see how doing it with someone meaningless can be good.
I think that sex is somewhat of a window – sometimes the act itself clarifies a relationship. It allows you a space to see between the “lines” of life. Being naked in bed with someone, lying in one another’s arms post-coitus, languidly discussing whatever comes to mind, seems to me to be a telling moment. How easy is it and how comfortable? At this moment, with your defenses down (and no shield of clothing), how are things?
I have, recently, been well fucked. The funny thing is that the relationship, with its roller coaster ups and downs, that was recorded in the early days of this blog, finally broke down completely. It turns out that when you take two people who have a history of poor communication and separate them by 1500 miles, add in two face-to-face visits in the course of 7 months, plus new jobs and lives for both, you end up with no relationship. It degenerates to a level below your average friendship. So, as the realization, recognition, and disintegration of that was going on, someone new showed up on my radar. Someone I had an enjoyable, fun, comfortable time with. Someone that I wanted to look good for, in datelike fashion, but whom I didn’t need to be at my girliest for.
So, in less esoteric description – I met someone new. I did not break up with the ex because of the new person, but meeting someone who is a potential can sometimes force realizations. Since we’re into initials, we’ll call him g. (gq? Maybe. I like him.)
Funny fact though – he’s a few years older and has the added complication of being a single father. His kid doesn’t seem freaked out by me, but she may once it really sinks in that this isn’t a quick fling (I’m pretty sure it isn’t). How’s that for complicated? Hey, no one ever claimed that I would make my life easy and seamless.
I do keep wondering if things have gone “too fast,” as if there are any sort of reliable timetables for meeting, falling for, and getting involved with a person – or for getting over a person you were with at one point. My recent realization has been that one of the reasons that getting over the ex has been easier was because that relationship started disintegrating in January, when I chose to accept a job in the midst of America’s breadbasket.
I’ve been spending some time with the “elephants dressed as donkeys” (Sharpton’s comment). I really am not sure. There are a few people I can knock off of my radar pretty quickly – a few of the guys just seem like typical good ole boy politicians, and I think s.g.’s right about Moseley Braun – she isn’t much electable. I think part of that has to do with her double race/gender bind, but most of it has to do with the fact that 1) she’s got small potatoes experience, more or less (not that that would necessarily hamstring a man, but to be realistic, women do have to at least doubly prove themselves); 2) her opinions seem generic – positive, but generic; and 3) I don’t think she can raise the money for running. As for the rest of them, it’s funny to read s.g’s comments about Kucinich (if I spelled that right) – I like him. He’s good, Kerry’s good, Dean is interesting. Those are the three I’ve been convinced to look into further. Sharpton interests me mostly because he does more or less say whatever is on his mind. I think some of it is true, and some of it is inflammatory (and the latter I dislike), but he’s more upfront than politicians typically are.
I am going to try an experiment – once I’ve read more on the candidates I am most interested in, I am going to try writing them (email, if their websites offer it) and see what kind of response I get. Just curious. I like to write letters, so it should be interesting. I have a year to figure out how people get involved in politics in America’s Siberia, and I will be exploring the feminist fringe, as soon as I find it.
On other notes, I understand the hollowness s.g.’s describing when she talks about sex without caring. I can’t imagine fucking someone I didn’t respect – well, I can, but it doesn’t work! If I just want to orgasm, I can do that on my own, or with toys. They’re cheaper and ask less of you than a fuck buddy. And, gee, despite the Catholic upbringing (thankful to be in recovery), no guilt! Sex is often overrated as “an expression of love,” or some other poetic bullshit. Sex should be fun, physically enjoyable, and comforting, in the aspect of physical closeness and touching. But I don’t see how doing it with someone meaningless can be good.
I think that sex is somewhat of a window – sometimes the act itself clarifies a relationship. It allows you a space to see between the “lines” of life. Being naked in bed with someone, lying in one another’s arms post-coitus, languidly discussing whatever comes to mind, seems to me to be a telling moment. How easy is it and how comfortable? At this moment, with your defenses down (and no shield of clothing), how are things?
I have, recently, been well fucked. The funny thing is that the relationship, with its roller coaster ups and downs, that was recorded in the early days of this blog, finally broke down completely. It turns out that when you take two people who have a history of poor communication and separate them by 1500 miles, add in two face-to-face visits in the course of 7 months, plus new jobs and lives for both, you end up with no relationship. It degenerates to a level below your average friendship. So, as the realization, recognition, and disintegration of that was going on, someone new showed up on my radar. Someone I had an enjoyable, fun, comfortable time with. Someone that I wanted to look good for, in datelike fashion, but whom I didn’t need to be at my girliest for.
So, in less esoteric description – I met someone new. I did not break up with the ex because of the new person, but meeting someone who is a potential can sometimes force realizations. Since we’re into initials, we’ll call him g. (gq? Maybe. I like him.)
Funny fact though – he’s a few years older and has the added complication of being a single father. His kid doesn’t seem freaked out by me, but she may once it really sinks in that this isn’t a quick fling (I’m pretty sure it isn’t). How’s that for complicated? Hey, no one ever claimed that I would make my life easy and seamless.
I do keep wondering if things have gone “too fast,” as if there are any sort of reliable timetables for meeting, falling for, and getting involved with a person – or for getting over a person you were with at one point. My recent realization has been that one of the reasons that getting over the ex has been easier was because that relationship started disintegrating in January, when I chose to accept a job in the midst of America’s breadbasket.
04 November 2003
If you can love a womanizer, you can love a man with a toupee. And it isn’t about love at this point anyway – it’s about connection, having fun, enjoying a person’s company, respecting them, and utmost, feeling comfortable in your own skin when you are with him. If I were you, I would definitely mention the self-tanner. Ugh. Why bother?
Okay, again for the promised update:
I got a job. I need to change that profile. I’m in the high-rolling business of historic preservation now, after having moved to America’s Siberia. I know sg’s complaining that it’s 80. On the 22nd of October, it was 70 degrees. On the 23rd of October, it was 50 degrees. On the 24th of October, it was 30 degrees, and it hasn’t been above since. We’ve had 6 inches of snow in the last 24 hours, I had my first great experience digging Gertie (my car) out from under the plow drifts, and I’ve gotten out the snow boots, as well as the rest of the gear. Winter hath come. On the plus side, I did finally get the dent in my car fixed (dinged in a parking lot last March, couldn’t open the driver’s side door all the way, total ghetto car.) After I explained to the body shop guy that I just wanted to be able to open the door all the way, and that I truly didn’t care what the car looked like (Gertie has a beautiful soul...), he just pulled the dent out with a neat little car-guy tool and sent me on my merry, snowy way. Fantastic. I love it when scheduled adult things end up being mostly painless!
Remember when Jeff (his name is Jeff, isn’t it) told you that you’re really looking for your best friend in dates/potential mates? I.e. – you want to date me and I want to date you? I’m thinking he may be right. I don’t know why the freak-o, I never got over role playing, I still own swords and have no social skills dudes are attracted to you. But in general, you find men that are, in some way, unavailable. They are unwilling to committ. “What makes you hot? Something that you want but you haven’t got...” They dance out of your reach at every possible step of the game. THAT’S ME. I tend to attract the relatively stable, interested in long-term committment, want to be sweet and romantic types that are cute at first and then seem clingy and overbearing, mainly because I’m committment-phobic. THAT’S YOU! We both just need to dyke out and move closer together. Lesbianism as the solution to the world’s problems – or at least to dating dilemmas. But actually, we lived together, and I don’t think that is the solution to anything, regardless of how much we’ve both grown up since then.
Okay, again for the promised update:
I got a job. I need to change that profile. I’m in the high-rolling business of historic preservation now, after having moved to America’s Siberia. I know sg’s complaining that it’s 80. On the 22nd of October, it was 70 degrees. On the 23rd of October, it was 50 degrees. On the 24th of October, it was 30 degrees, and it hasn’t been above since. We’ve had 6 inches of snow in the last 24 hours, I had my first great experience digging Gertie (my car) out from under the plow drifts, and I’ve gotten out the snow boots, as well as the rest of the gear. Winter hath come. On the plus side, I did finally get the dent in my car fixed (dinged in a parking lot last March, couldn’t open the driver’s side door all the way, total ghetto car.) After I explained to the body shop guy that I just wanted to be able to open the door all the way, and that I truly didn’t care what the car looked like (Gertie has a beautiful soul...), he just pulled the dent out with a neat little car-guy tool and sent me on my merry, snowy way. Fantastic. I love it when scheduled adult things end up being mostly painless!
Remember when Jeff (his name is Jeff, isn’t it) told you that you’re really looking for your best friend in dates/potential mates? I.e. – you want to date me and I want to date you? I’m thinking he may be right. I don’t know why the freak-o, I never got over role playing, I still own swords and have no social skills dudes are attracted to you. But in general, you find men that are, in some way, unavailable. They are unwilling to committ. “What makes you hot? Something that you want but you haven’t got...” They dance out of your reach at every possible step of the game. THAT’S ME. I tend to attract the relatively stable, interested in long-term committment, want to be sweet and romantic types that are cute at first and then seem clingy and overbearing, mainly because I’m committment-phobic. THAT’S YOU! We both just need to dyke out and move closer together. Lesbianism as the solution to the world’s problems – or at least to dating dilemmas. But actually, we lived together, and I don’t think that is the solution to anything, regardless of how much we’ve both grown up since then.
28 October 2003
27 October 2003
Thank the goddesses, gods, and other supreme beings -- the Moxie has risen! Like a phoenix! From the ashes! Of mid-20s ennui! (I'm attempting to make up for someone else's LACK of punctuation...)
Let's see. Updates and response.
Response first (easier, as material to work with is present):
guys and girls CAN be friends. Being friends doesn't mean never thinking about biblical knowledge. And, for the record, doesn't mean never having to say you're sorry. It just means you're hanging out with someone you have a good time with and whose company you enjoy. We've debated the existence of a line between friends and Relationships. There isn't a good solid boundary. Sex seems to be a determinant, as far as I can tell, and sr agreed with me, at least at one point. And if attraction IS the basis of that line (or the intent to act on attraction) then we can redefine the debates on homosexuality, too, although again, that's another blog for another time. Regardless, friends are important. I've never had a lover that I have not been friends with as well, although RA is a somewhat debatable case (debatable relationship, too, but I claim young and stupid). In all cases, boy poison should be avoided, imnsho. Fuck buddies, sure. But not someone who has no respect at all for you and for whom you have a tendency to hope for something more from (Read: common politeness and humanity).
Updates, including requested info from SR to be published tonight.
Let's see. Updates and response.
Response first (easier, as material to work with is present):
guys and girls CAN be friends. Being friends doesn't mean never thinking about biblical knowledge. And, for the record, doesn't mean never having to say you're sorry. It just means you're hanging out with someone you have a good time with and whose company you enjoy. We've debated the existence of a line between friends and Relationships. There isn't a good solid boundary. Sex seems to be a determinant, as far as I can tell, and sr agreed with me, at least at one point. And if attraction IS the basis of that line (or the intent to act on attraction) then we can redefine the debates on homosexuality, too, although again, that's another blog for another time. Regardless, friends are important. I've never had a lover that I have not been friends with as well, although RA is a somewhat debatable case (debatable relationship, too, but I claim young and stupid). In all cases, boy poison should be avoided, imnsho. Fuck buddies, sure. But not someone who has no respect at all for you and for whom you have a tendency to hope for something more from (Read: common politeness and humanity).
Updates, including requested info from SR to be published tonight.
06 September 2003
WE MUST REVIVE THE WICKED MOXIE REVOLUTION!! What happened to the Moxie that began all of this? A lot of things have changed since January -- go figure! It's been 9 months -- time enough to generate a new human life. Maybe that's what this blog needs: A New Life.
I think S and I have both mentally hit a wall of sorts. I think we both believed that once we got through school and got "real" jobs, everything would become clearer. As I can attest, through experience, such is not the truth. I've been in a state job for 6 months now -- my dream job in a state I had never even thought of, much less dreamed of living in. But things have worked out well, I love my job, I love the people, and I'm generally pretty happy. I got lucky, I guess. But my personal life stalled when my professional life moved forward. See, there was a Someone in my life when I was in school. We had discussed the possibility of not being together after school ended, but ignored the issue, more or less. That someone is now on the East coast, while I live at the geographic center of the North American continent. Suffice it to say that it takes an entire working day to get from his place to mine, or vice versa, by plane.
We thought that we could work things out that way, living apart, until our lives (read: careers) had taken off. I've worked for 7 years in higher education to get where I am today. I wasn't about to change that for a relationship that wasn't at a level about to reach "lifetime" committment. And it isn't working. I love him, and I care about him, but I cannot maintain a relationship at a distance of 1500 miles. Not that kind of relationship, anyway. It is keeping me from investing in my life here, mostly because I keep thinking of it (my current life) as Temporary. And I don't want to think of it that way. I love what I'm doing and where I am too much to give it up anytime soon. Six months has absolutely FLOWN by!
Life, rather than straightening out into an easily traveled road of reasonable straightness, keeps curving up and down the mountains, with turns and lifts managing to hide whatever comes next. I don't know if it ever gets easier. I doubt it. And it's been an interesting, if bumpy, ride.
I think S and I have both mentally hit a wall of sorts. I think we both believed that once we got through school and got "real" jobs, everything would become clearer. As I can attest, through experience, such is not the truth. I've been in a state job for 6 months now -- my dream job in a state I had never even thought of, much less dreamed of living in. But things have worked out well, I love my job, I love the people, and I'm generally pretty happy. I got lucky, I guess. But my personal life stalled when my professional life moved forward. See, there was a Someone in my life when I was in school. We had discussed the possibility of not being together after school ended, but ignored the issue, more or less. That someone is now on the East coast, while I live at the geographic center of the North American continent. Suffice it to say that it takes an entire working day to get from his place to mine, or vice versa, by plane.
We thought that we could work things out that way, living apart, until our lives (read: careers) had taken off. I've worked for 7 years in higher education to get where I am today. I wasn't about to change that for a relationship that wasn't at a level about to reach "lifetime" committment. And it isn't working. I love him, and I care about him, but I cannot maintain a relationship at a distance of 1500 miles. Not that kind of relationship, anyway. It is keeping me from investing in my life here, mostly because I keep thinking of it (my current life) as Temporary. And I don't want to think of it that way. I love what I'm doing and where I am too much to give it up anytime soon. Six months has absolutely FLOWN by!
Life, rather than straightening out into an easily traveled road of reasonable straightness, keeps curving up and down the mountains, with turns and lifts managing to hide whatever comes next. I don't know if it ever gets easier. I doubt it. And it's been an interesting, if bumpy, ride.
12 January 2003
Well, I keep hoping to get Ms. S off her mental couch and back online ranting, but I think that may be easier said than done. Her job is a hell of a lot more mentally taxing than my current data entry level position. Sad.
For the record, I've listened to almost nothing but Sting's Brand New Day and Elton John's Greatest Hits double album this week. I don't know if that colors my thoughts, but it can't help but influence them. As many folks could tell you, I couldn't stand Elton John throughout my college years. Some of that had to do with a roommate who would get depressed and play a song with lyrics about being a bullet in the gun of Robert Bjorn (or something like that). Prior to college, I'd had little to say either way about the man. You can't help but at least respect someone who's had that long of a career, with writing and instrument mastery being a part of it, but I just didn't like to listen to him. Go figure. Then I moved to a town with little in the way of good radio station choices, begin listening to a "classics" type station which seems to play Elton at least once an hour, and now I'm hooked! One case where intimacy did not breed contempt, I guess. But I was gifted with the CD collection, and can't stop saying good bye to the Yellow Brick Road. Go figure. I guess it's proof that we grow and change constantly. Thank the gods that may be.
Hmm. Well, maybe that's all for now. I have other rants, but I think maybe they'll wait. I don't feel like entertaining negative thoughts right now.
For the record, I've listened to almost nothing but Sting's Brand New Day and Elton John's Greatest Hits double album this week. I don't know if that colors my thoughts, but it can't help but influence them. As many folks could tell you, I couldn't stand Elton John throughout my college years. Some of that had to do with a roommate who would get depressed and play a song with lyrics about being a bullet in the gun of Robert Bjorn (or something like that). Prior to college, I'd had little to say either way about the man. You can't help but at least respect someone who's had that long of a career, with writing and instrument mastery being a part of it, but I just didn't like to listen to him. Go figure. Then I moved to a town with little in the way of good radio station choices, begin listening to a "classics" type station which seems to play Elton at least once an hour, and now I'm hooked! One case where intimacy did not breed contempt, I guess. But I was gifted with the CD collection, and can't stop saying good bye to the Yellow Brick Road. Go figure. I guess it's proof that we grow and change constantly. Thank the gods that may be.
Hmm. Well, maybe that's all for now. I have other rants, but I think maybe they'll wait. I don't feel like entertaining negative thoughts right now.
11 January 2003
Let's all pretend that this is a new blog. Since there have been no new posts for many moons, this should be almost as easy said as done. I mean, there are things to think about, things to discuss, things to rant about, and just things to say. And why not do it where other people can see, contemplate, and, if so moved, respond? That IS the point of the blog, is it not?
So it is 2003. Other than that little number, little has changed in the world at large. If I look at the so-called big picture as it is presented to me by the world, we're fast approaching hell and our handbasket is not fireproof. But if I look at the people I know, I see decency, caring, love, and a general desire to do something to make the world a better place. We see that in different ways, for sure, and disagree about how it could happen. One friend wants to teach. One wants to build. Another (your other Girl Friday on this site, unheard of for so long) has become an "Officer of the Peace" whether she herself has found that peace or not. I want to preserve, to educate, to create a sense of place through history. Of course we're all a little idealistic -- we're young. If the young cannot be idealistic, what hope is there?
But it isn't just the young. To give some background on the situation, I have a strange relationship with my mother. She and I were always somewhat close, but since my dad died four years ago, I have been a major (if not the major) confidant in her life. I don't think she thought things would turn out this way -- learning at 59 to live your life alone again. The situation would be sad if my mother were not the woman she is, strong, positive, and generally cheerful (annoyingly so, sometimes). Regardless, after my father died, she had to learn to manage finances. She'd always done the household stuff, but not the investments and such. Since I was just getting out of college, we learned together. Now, at the end of my gradutate school career, when I am making decisions (or trying to) about the course of my life, major decisions carrying major consequences, so is she. She can retire in another year. So, strangely enough, my mother and I can choose what we want to do in the next phases of our lives at around the same time, and discuss it. I will admit that she isn't the primary person that I discuss things with, but her opinion is important to me. Most of all, I am lucky in the fact that she supports and respects my decisions, whether she understands them or not. But my point in this ramble was that she has hope and ideals and visions. And she's 63. I guess I like the idea that no matter what I choose to do now, I can always change my mind later. I am not going to be trapped for the rest of eternity if I don't make the "right" choice right now. I live with that example, with that permission to change my mind, every day, and it makes this phase of my life so much easier and free-er.
As far as an update from the last posting, I am employed at slightly above minimum wage doing entry level work as an intern in my field. I have learned so much in the past 6 weeks or so, not just about the field of preservation, but about how an office works, how the programs work, and how the field I want to enter may work. It is grunt work, but it is a nice big step on my way to my career. I have also had a job interview in the cold, icy north, for a fabulous position in an okay place. Fingers crossed, as I should learn the outcome of that next week.
So my New Year's resolution, insomuch as I would make one, is to use this blog to explore the things I am thinking about. And to convince my erstwhile absent friend to return to doing the same. Mental health over physical, as my degree record should show as a lifestyle choice. WICKED MOXIE LIVES!!!
So it is 2003. Other than that little number, little has changed in the world at large. If I look at the so-called big picture as it is presented to me by the world, we're fast approaching hell and our handbasket is not fireproof. But if I look at the people I know, I see decency, caring, love, and a general desire to do something to make the world a better place. We see that in different ways, for sure, and disagree about how it could happen. One friend wants to teach. One wants to build. Another (your other Girl Friday on this site, unheard of for so long) has become an "Officer of the Peace" whether she herself has found that peace or not. I want to preserve, to educate, to create a sense of place through history. Of course we're all a little idealistic -- we're young. If the young cannot be idealistic, what hope is there?
But it isn't just the young. To give some background on the situation, I have a strange relationship with my mother. She and I were always somewhat close, but since my dad died four years ago, I have been a major (if not the major) confidant in her life. I don't think she thought things would turn out this way -- learning at 59 to live your life alone again. The situation would be sad if my mother were not the woman she is, strong, positive, and generally cheerful (annoyingly so, sometimes). Regardless, after my father died, she had to learn to manage finances. She'd always done the household stuff, but not the investments and such. Since I was just getting out of college, we learned together. Now, at the end of my gradutate school career, when I am making decisions (or trying to) about the course of my life, major decisions carrying major consequences, so is she. She can retire in another year. So, strangely enough, my mother and I can choose what we want to do in the next phases of our lives at around the same time, and discuss it. I will admit that she isn't the primary person that I discuss things with, but her opinion is important to me. Most of all, I am lucky in the fact that she supports and respects my decisions, whether she understands them or not. But my point in this ramble was that she has hope and ideals and visions. And she's 63. I guess I like the idea that no matter what I choose to do now, I can always change my mind later. I am not going to be trapped for the rest of eternity if I don't make the "right" choice right now. I live with that example, with that permission to change my mind, every day, and it makes this phase of my life so much easier and free-er.
As far as an update from the last posting, I am employed at slightly above minimum wage doing entry level work as an intern in my field. I have learned so much in the past 6 weeks or so, not just about the field of preservation, but about how an office works, how the programs work, and how the field I want to enter may work. It is grunt work, but it is a nice big step on my way to my career. I have also had a job interview in the cold, icy north, for a fabulous position in an okay place. Fingers crossed, as I should learn the outcome of that next week.
So my New Year's resolution, insomuch as I would make one, is to use this blog to explore the things I am thinking about. And to convince my erstwhile absent friend to return to doing the same. Mental health over physical, as my degree record should show as a lifestyle choice. WICKED MOXIE LIVES!!!