i find it so weird that you seem to be nearing the end of your relationship and i am just beginning mine. isnt it funny how these things happen like that? when do two friends ever start dating people or breaking up at the same time?! like never! but on my front, i have to say that things are starting to get more relaxed, which is of course a good thing. i think its just a time issue. plus it helps to not always be trying to get into each other's pants all the time! yeah, i put the breaks on the hardcore fooling around because i really think we need to talk and communicate more before really taking that step forward.
as for talking, we had some serious talk tonight. he came over and i actually made him dinner, like used an oven and everything! and its so funny because i keep finding out how much alike we are. he, like me, usually eats junk for dinner like ramen (chicken flavor) or cereal or toast or something! its so cosmically wacky! and we both eat low fat stuff and boca! yea! but anyways, we discussed his "situation" some. turns out he has actually talked to a lawyer to see what the whole process would be like and how long it would take. turns out that if things go uncontested its only a mandatory 30 days! isnt that amazing! i could go off on a rant here about quickie divorces and our crumbling society and all but i'll let kt do that! and i asked him if he had some plan or anything and he said he did. he plans to eventually (of course no time proscribed here, it wouldnt be that perfect!) move out into an apt on his own. so he has definently thought about this and has taken some preliminary steps. and the whole conversation wasnt like some blowing smoke up my ass thing either as i'm sure many people could imagine, he was actually pretty shy and not so chatty about it, like he is still working it through and stuff in his head. typical guy and typical c.
and i also starting talking about going to church. very shyly and quietly and not very much about it. just asked him where he went and stuff and if maybe there was some place over here we could go sometime. yep, all who know me know that i must really care for c if i am willing to even step into a church. but it means so much to him and isnt a huge sacrifice to me to do and be open to. so what do you really think about this anyways? i am actually trying to be open to the christianity idea and all that jazz. i mean, it couldnt hurt, right? i'm at least gonna try. perhaps my experiences with religion this time around wont be so horrible. plus, you do things for the people you love, right?
so anyways, i guess just to sum up, things are good, as good as they can be with the "situation." but of course i try not to dwell on that. and sometimes it bothers me but i get over it. i am mostly jealous with regards to it and pissy about having less time with him than i might a typical guy. but you get used to it and learn to enjoy the time you have. and actually, i think its good for me to not be able to spend hours on end and overnights with him yet. i always rush into things so much that this forced separation is a very good thing. when he gets to a spend the night place then maybe it will be time, normal time, for it to occur. could it actually be that except for the whole "situation" part that i am having an adult relationship?! go fig.
and i do have to say, speaking of adults, that dating an older guy really is different. there isnt that boy/man thing of immaturity there. not to say that c isnt a goober lots of the time (which i enjoy because i am always laughing!) but its a different vibe. and i have to say that its a vibe i would recommend. but then again it could also be the two of us just having an odd bond and things working out well, who knows. but its a relationship i am enjoying and not finding to be too trying as it can be with younger guys and those types of problems. and really, i have calmed the fuck down about the "situation" and any methods of remedying it. i think i wanted to push things faster than they should go and thats bad and a bad habit of mine. so a little more time is good. plus, in all fairness, he shouldnt do something like that necessarily until he feels confident about it. and it perhaps its slightly early to feel very confident about us. i mean, i still wonder sometimes about us, less so right now thats for sure, but i wonder. and thats when i realize that going slow is good. growing together is good. no need to always rush and run, strolling and sauntering is nice sometimes.
but anyways, so right now, basking in the afterglow of a great night together, i am feeling very good about things with c. i think he is opening up more which is good and i think i am calming down more and realizing that he does love me for me regardless of all the flaws and bad things i think i see in myself. i still dont quite understand it, but then again, many of my friends dont quite understand my love of c, so go fig. and i cant wait until kt is back in town so that she can meet c. i really would love to hear what she honestly has to say about him. but anyways, i am happy, yep, happy for a freaking change, even though i am getting my ass kicked in pt every morning, including tomorrow! but it feels like things are slowly falling into place. my life is coming together and it feels nice. there is the possibility of a cool future in so many regards and i havent really felt that for a while. its nice to see a purpose for all the hard work in school and all that jazz. it seems like it may actually be possible to have an adult life for a change. it just takes a while to get there sometimes. have faith kt, a real life is out there! it all works out in the end for the best, or at least one can hope it does. damn i love c right now. sorry, i just had to say it!
21 August 2002
Yep, still confused.
On the plus side, however, the man and I did talk. The boy-man, as some people like to refer to him. Crisis was necessary to bring about discussions we should have been having all along -- a discussion of the fact that we will both be leaving this place within the next three months or so. And we have no guarantee that we will end up near one another, even marginally close. And that long distance relationships are not really probable, for either of us.
And basically, I'm not sure that it's right or wrong. It just sort of is, right now, and that's all I wanted to say about that for the moment.
On the plus side, however, the man and I did talk. The boy-man, as some people like to refer to him. Crisis was necessary to bring about discussions we should have been having all along -- a discussion of the fact that we will both be leaving this place within the next three months or so. And we have no guarantee that we will end up near one another, even marginally close. And that long distance relationships are not really probable, for either of us.
And basically, I'm not sure that it's right or wrong. It just sort of is, right now, and that's all I wanted to say about that for the moment.
18 August 2002
I don't know why I'm publishing this, except that I have no voice to speak it out loud. I, well,
New Thread: Journal of the Heartbroken and confused.
Scenario: A graduate student who has been in school continuously for 21 years now, met a nice young man, a few years older than herself, in a concurrent field of study. She was attracted to him and pursued him until she found out he was already seeing someone. She then worked for his friendship, believing him to be worth knowing. She was correct. He turned out to be an honest, forthright, ambitious and driven man, with dreams that intersected hers, and beliefs in the same vein. After an off-and-on tenuous, flirtatious friendship of almost 8 months, she kissed him, and they have now been dating for almost 16 months. Exclusively, she feels the need to add, although to her it is redundant. [Dropping the useless third person voice.] I don’t have short term relationships. Any relationship worth investing my time, energy and emotion into should be worth having until it has played itself out, run its course. [Side note: How does one know that a certain relationship has run its course?? One of the eternal questions of life, methinks.] This relationship was worth having. For the first month it was awkward, as all new relationships tend to be. After that, it was blissful. Imagine the scene. It is summer. A Pacific Northwest summer, sunny, beautiful, temperate but warm. Blissful, in short. Two people newly in love have a house to themselves. A house with a large, fenced-in backyard with a small patio and deck. A barbeque. A chiminea (Mexican outdoor terracotta fireplace of sorts). Stars in the clear sky at night. Free weekends in which they ignore all possible obligations, school work, other people, world strife, anarchy, and more or less anything but love. Sounds like a cheesy movie, a Laura Esquivel book, I know, but its true. The summer was short, but it was ours. The sex was great, the food was delicious, the beer was cold, the nights were cool enough to cuddle. The days were warm enough for naked sunbathing. For the first time since high school romance, I wondered what it might be like to spend my life with someone. To spend Sunday mornings with the newspaper and the dog, to take vacations together, to come home each night to someone, the same someone, like a touchstone in the changeable world. To have a constant.
The end of summer arrives. Time begins to move frenetically, New York paced rather than Eugene paced. My roommates moved home, he moved into a new apartment, we went back to classes. Lots of classes, jobs, friends, studying, thesis writing, and generally life intruded. Some issues arose, but they were few, one-sided, and solvable. My thesis falls apart, causing serious funk in my life, and we manage through that.
December comes, Christmas break, we separate. My roommates leave, I move in on my own for the very first time in my life. All at once, I am living alone, taking few classes, being on campus little and seeing practically no one. I had no practice setting up social engagements – we all just saw each other in the halls and went out. No planning! I begin to spend more time with him, because I like to, but also because I need human contact and he is there and willing. Things begin to fall apart. Communication becomes an issue. Time management becomes an issue. Life becomes an issue, as does our relationship.
What do you do when you have problems that you cannot solve? You seek help. It is hard to admit that you cannot fix all of the problems in your life on your own. It is hard to admit that a relationship you desperately want to work out, isn’t. It’s hard to admit that you can’t always figure out what the problems are and how to solve them. And we admitted all of that and actually went to seek help. We found it in a wonderful councelor who reassured us of our generalized sanity. She taught us tricks to communicate, ways to show the person you are with that you are listening to them. Ways to express your needs and have them understood. The one hour a week that we spent with her was time devoted only to us, only to our relationship, and to all other problems and issues only insofar as they related to the relationship. It seemed to work. Things got better.
But I think that when things get bad, really really bad (and I’m not talking abuse, I’m talking serious misunderstanding of tiny small things and total inability to communicate) it’s hard to believe that they can really be okay again. You cannot recapture the bliss of the beginning, the anticipation, the learning, the days when everything about the person you are with is new, when everything is another reason to fall in love. The love develops from infatuation to understanding and acceptance, and then things fall apart, and the acceptance seems damaged somehow. As if no matter what, things may never be entirely copacetic again.
And yet I love him, and I want things to work. I have found somebody who is willing to listen to my rants about suburbia and contribute. Someone who listens to my other long-winded rants about one million other topics I find worth talking about, even if he disagrees or doesn’t think it worth a rant. Someone who seems to like the fact that I have an opinion about everything, even if he doesn’t always share his, or thinks that maybe I express the opinions a little more forcefully than necessary. Someone with whom I can be naked and yet comfortable, and I mean naked in an emotional and spiritual sense, as well as the physical. Someone who believes passionately in what he does. A man who believes in me, in what I can do, and encourages me when I get frustrated. And I love him. But it isn’t enough. Love isn’t enough. It can’t hold together two people who don’t know their own minds well enough to figure out what’s bothering them about a relationship. Or how to fix it. Or where it went wrong, or what went wrong, or why, or how. Love isn’t enough to hold together two people who need their independence to figure out in which direction their lives will move. Two people who, despite their passions about bricks and mortar, cannot hold themselves together. Two people who hold the same beliefs and dreams, but are going different paths to reach their destination.
Maybe there is a happy ending far on down the road. Maybe paths converge and destinies collide and fates merge in joyous union. But that would be then. Right now you have two people who are so scared that when things begin to go well, something must destroy the peace. Two people sick of fighting, tired of crying, sad to feel scared, and unwilling to admit all of that. One person, at least, who is tired of feeling useless in her own life, an unwitting pawn in some farcical game played by whimsical but mean-spirited gods. Because I am not a pawn. I am not someone else’s play thing. I make my own decisions. I have to live with them. I am in control of how I deal with the events of my life.
We agreed at the very beginning that there must be an end to something that makes you unhappy. We had both been in relationships that should have ended long before someone had the guts to admit that it wasn’t working out. But that point is always hard to find. We have to work at paying attention, to make sure that love does not rot into hate. To insure that this person I loved, still love, may one day be a friend, not a hated enemy.
This is why I must end a situation that is making me woefully unhappy. I have to have the guts to go it alone, to make my way in the world by myself right now. I had to say that it was over, that I could not go on feeling scared and tenuous in a relationship that should be bolstering me, making me more confident, ready to face the world. I had admit that I don’t want to cry about it anymore, that I don’t want to be putting myself in a position where I can be crushed with one argument, where I am so emotionally fraught and fragile that one act knocks the wind out of me. I can’t do this anymore, it is killing me. And I know all of this. So why does it hurt so much to say so? Why does it so much feel like I have ripped my own heart out?
It has been less than two hours since the fight we had, in which he left my apartment and doors were slammed. I cried. I wandered about the apartment aimlessly. I stared into space for long spans of time. I tried to read and failed, turned the tv on and then off again (not that there would be anything worth watching on a Saturday night, but…). I gathered together things that were his, and things that he had given me that I cannot keep. They made me cry. I took down the pictures of us that were hanging on the fridge, so that I can eventually eat without sobbing. And I wrote, thinking that maybe if I sat down and wrote it all out, the ending would come out differently. I keep hoping that it will. I fantasize that he will show up and we will make up and things will be all better. Instead he has silently dropped off a brown paper grocery bag filled with the things I had left at his place: a few books, though he has missed half of them on the shelves, a toothbrush, a hairbrush, and some contact solution. A few condoms, for good measure, maybe to remind me of things I am giving up. It is a paltry bit of togetherness, and a petty act which I cannot condemn having already gathered his things into a box. And a letter. Not much, just saying that he thought that things were going well recently, and that this was a shock. Of course things were going well. And then they fell apart. It is a cycle with which we should be familiar by now, for all it’s happened. And that he will always love me.
More tears. And I guess the healing eventually begins, but I don’t know how. I still don’t want it to end. But I don’t want to fight anymore. I’m too tired to fight. I have nothing left to give. I am em-ty, drained, and lost. I don’t even know what I’d be fighting for anymore.
New Thread: Journal of the Heartbroken and confused.
Scenario: A graduate student who has been in school continuously for 21 years now, met a nice young man, a few years older than herself, in a concurrent field of study. She was attracted to him and pursued him until she found out he was already seeing someone. She then worked for his friendship, believing him to be worth knowing. She was correct. He turned out to be an honest, forthright, ambitious and driven man, with dreams that intersected hers, and beliefs in the same vein. After an off-and-on tenuous, flirtatious friendship of almost 8 months, she kissed him, and they have now been dating for almost 16 months. Exclusively, she feels the need to add, although to her it is redundant. [Dropping the useless third person voice.] I don’t have short term relationships. Any relationship worth investing my time, energy and emotion into should be worth having until it has played itself out, run its course. [Side note: How does one know that a certain relationship has run its course?? One of the eternal questions of life, methinks.] This relationship was worth having. For the first month it was awkward, as all new relationships tend to be. After that, it was blissful. Imagine the scene. It is summer. A Pacific Northwest summer, sunny, beautiful, temperate but warm. Blissful, in short. Two people newly in love have a house to themselves. A house with a large, fenced-in backyard with a small patio and deck. A barbeque. A chiminea (Mexican outdoor terracotta fireplace of sorts). Stars in the clear sky at night. Free weekends in which they ignore all possible obligations, school work, other people, world strife, anarchy, and more or less anything but love. Sounds like a cheesy movie, a Laura Esquivel book, I know, but its true. The summer was short, but it was ours. The sex was great, the food was delicious, the beer was cold, the nights were cool enough to cuddle. The days were warm enough for naked sunbathing. For the first time since high school romance, I wondered what it might be like to spend my life with someone. To spend Sunday mornings with the newspaper and the dog, to take vacations together, to come home each night to someone, the same someone, like a touchstone in the changeable world. To have a constant.
The end of summer arrives. Time begins to move frenetically, New York paced rather than Eugene paced. My roommates moved home, he moved into a new apartment, we went back to classes. Lots of classes, jobs, friends, studying, thesis writing, and generally life intruded. Some issues arose, but they were few, one-sided, and solvable. My thesis falls apart, causing serious funk in my life, and we manage through that.
December comes, Christmas break, we separate. My roommates leave, I move in on my own for the very first time in my life. All at once, I am living alone, taking few classes, being on campus little and seeing practically no one. I had no practice setting up social engagements – we all just saw each other in the halls and went out. No planning! I begin to spend more time with him, because I like to, but also because I need human contact and he is there and willing. Things begin to fall apart. Communication becomes an issue. Time management becomes an issue. Life becomes an issue, as does our relationship.
What do you do when you have problems that you cannot solve? You seek help. It is hard to admit that you cannot fix all of the problems in your life on your own. It is hard to admit that a relationship you desperately want to work out, isn’t. It’s hard to admit that you can’t always figure out what the problems are and how to solve them. And we admitted all of that and actually went to seek help. We found it in a wonderful councelor who reassured us of our generalized sanity. She taught us tricks to communicate, ways to show the person you are with that you are listening to them. Ways to express your needs and have them understood. The one hour a week that we spent with her was time devoted only to us, only to our relationship, and to all other problems and issues only insofar as they related to the relationship. It seemed to work. Things got better.
But I think that when things get bad, really really bad (and I’m not talking abuse, I’m talking serious misunderstanding of tiny small things and total inability to communicate) it’s hard to believe that they can really be okay again. You cannot recapture the bliss of the beginning, the anticipation, the learning, the days when everything about the person you are with is new, when everything is another reason to fall in love. The love develops from infatuation to understanding and acceptance, and then things fall apart, and the acceptance seems damaged somehow. As if no matter what, things may never be entirely copacetic again.
And yet I love him, and I want things to work. I have found somebody who is willing to listen to my rants about suburbia and contribute. Someone who listens to my other long-winded rants about one million other topics I find worth talking about, even if he disagrees or doesn’t think it worth a rant. Someone who seems to like the fact that I have an opinion about everything, even if he doesn’t always share his, or thinks that maybe I express the opinions a little more forcefully than necessary. Someone with whom I can be naked and yet comfortable, and I mean naked in an emotional and spiritual sense, as well as the physical. Someone who believes passionately in what he does. A man who believes in me, in what I can do, and encourages me when I get frustrated. And I love him. But it isn’t enough. Love isn’t enough. It can’t hold together two people who don’t know their own minds well enough to figure out what’s bothering them about a relationship. Or how to fix it. Or where it went wrong, or what went wrong, or why, or how. Love isn’t enough to hold together two people who need their independence to figure out in which direction their lives will move. Two people who, despite their passions about bricks and mortar, cannot hold themselves together. Two people who hold the same beliefs and dreams, but are going different paths to reach their destination.
Maybe there is a happy ending far on down the road. Maybe paths converge and destinies collide and fates merge in joyous union. But that would be then. Right now you have two people who are so scared that when things begin to go well, something must destroy the peace. Two people sick of fighting, tired of crying, sad to feel scared, and unwilling to admit all of that. One person, at least, who is tired of feeling useless in her own life, an unwitting pawn in some farcical game played by whimsical but mean-spirited gods. Because I am not a pawn. I am not someone else’s play thing. I make my own decisions. I have to live with them. I am in control of how I deal with the events of my life.
We agreed at the very beginning that there must be an end to something that makes you unhappy. We had both been in relationships that should have ended long before someone had the guts to admit that it wasn’t working out. But that point is always hard to find. We have to work at paying attention, to make sure that love does not rot into hate. To insure that this person I loved, still love, may one day be a friend, not a hated enemy.
This is why I must end a situation that is making me woefully unhappy. I have to have the guts to go it alone, to make my way in the world by myself right now. I had to say that it was over, that I could not go on feeling scared and tenuous in a relationship that should be bolstering me, making me more confident, ready to face the world. I had admit that I don’t want to cry about it anymore, that I don’t want to be putting myself in a position where I can be crushed with one argument, where I am so emotionally fraught and fragile that one act knocks the wind out of me. I can’t do this anymore, it is killing me. And I know all of this. So why does it hurt so much to say so? Why does it so much feel like I have ripped my own heart out?
It has been less than two hours since the fight we had, in which he left my apartment and doors were slammed. I cried. I wandered about the apartment aimlessly. I stared into space for long spans of time. I tried to read and failed, turned the tv on and then off again (not that there would be anything worth watching on a Saturday night, but…). I gathered together things that were his, and things that he had given me that I cannot keep. They made me cry. I took down the pictures of us that were hanging on the fridge, so that I can eventually eat without sobbing. And I wrote, thinking that maybe if I sat down and wrote it all out, the ending would come out differently. I keep hoping that it will. I fantasize that he will show up and we will make up and things will be all better. Instead he has silently dropped off a brown paper grocery bag filled with the things I had left at his place: a few books, though he has missed half of them on the shelves, a toothbrush, a hairbrush, and some contact solution. A few condoms, for good measure, maybe to remind me of things I am giving up. It is a paltry bit of togetherness, and a petty act which I cannot condemn having already gathered his things into a box. And a letter. Not much, just saying that he thought that things were going well recently, and that this was a shock. Of course things were going well. And then they fell apart. It is a cycle with which we should be familiar by now, for all it’s happened. And that he will always love me.
More tears. And I guess the healing eventually begins, but I don’t know how. I still don’t want it to end. But I don’t want to fight anymore. I’m too tired to fight. I have nothing left to give. I am em-ty, drained, and lost. I don’t even know what I’d be fighting for anymore.
06 August 2002
I think that the guy that lives below me is half deaf and part goat. He talks so LOUD ALL THE TIME, as though everyone around him were deaf, and he laughs like a goat bleating. This wouldn't be a problem if he wasn't frequently home and awake and active between 11pm and 2am. And he wins the award for the first person I've lived near who doesn't respond in any way to pounding on the floor. Most people shut up or get louder in response, depending on whether they're respectful of others or assholes. He's just deaf. And he laughs a lot.
My brain is dead and my neighbors are annoying.
My brain is dead and my neighbors are annoying.
04 August 2002
How about a (live) mink dressed in diamonds and emeralds driving a Porsche? I don't really want any of them, but there are pawn brokers in town, and then, there's always EBay!
well, first i have to say that i am so proud of kt for finally getting to the big thesis day! you go girl! kick some major art historian ass! so of course that means its all almost over! what a scary thought! maybe that means you'll be back around here in sunny and hot GA for a short while before venturing off into the next phase of your life.
and do i have to apologize for failing to blog for a while. i was totally cut off from the website at work. damn the man! so here i am back to continue the ever weird story of my deal.
so, when last i blogged, i think i has just emailed major flirt aka c. well, since then many things have occurred. we emailed back and forth that first week and also talked on the phone. he started coming over to hq just to see me. ah, it was a heady time indeed. and then we made a date to go out to dinner and to have "the conversation." yep, that conversation about his wife and the cheating and all that jazz which i just had to broach. yeah, sometimes i ask questions i dont really want to hear the answers to, but this had to be done! i am the queen of those questions and probably always will be but sometimes you just have to know the truth of the matter even though it may hurt. anyways, so we ate and i asked and he answered. there was like a really touching moment at one point where he was obviously upset. thats when i knew he wasnt playing me. it was that moment that i peeked into his soul and just knew the deal.
anyways, since then we have continued to email and chat and he comes by every morning and we have even gone out a couple of times. we went to play pool one sunday (yes i will go to hell for that!) and just went out to dinner a few days ago. but alas, things have somewhat hit a snag, i suppose you could say. and perhaps its just because i am totaly menstrual but i am getting very impatient. ask anyone who knows me, patience is barely even in my vocabulary! the academy starts tomorrow (!!!) and i was planning on having c come over some time this weekend since i wouldnt be seeing him on a daily basis anymore. well, something with his son popped up saturday and something is messed up with his car today so no dice basically. and i got really pissed off and really upset. we were talking on the phone last night about this and other things such as whether he still fucks his wife. the answer to that was yes but rarely. i of course asked when the last time was and the answer to that, which pissed me off majorly, was within the last month. i was so pissed i didnt press for an exact time. i knew i would freak if i really knew. so with all of these topics going and me already being pissy before we started talking, this degenerated, although not to a yelling thing. i was actually very quiet, queerly quiet. so we ended hanging up in a very unhappy state.
i mean i guess it shouldnt surprise me that he still fucks his wife. he says that she still initiates and that he just goes along with it, but feels shitty and like he shouldnt have done it afterwards. i of course called him on this whole deal about the fact that he could always say no. so i asked him if he felt forced to do it, or obligated and he said no. so i said that he then must want to do it and he paused and was quiet and eventually said that yeah he must want to and that he must be a dickhead for it (a comment i had made moments earlier). see, yet another question or topic i really didnt want to know the truth about but had to ask.
i'm just about to the point right now, probably menstrually induced, where i just want to scream out loud, "shit or get off the fucking pot motherfucker, jesus h. christ!" and perhaps it isnt fair of me to feel like he needs to choose now, its only been like a month now, but it doesnt mean that i am not frustrated. and of course the longer this goes without the choice being made the more and more i wonder whether or not the choice will ever be made. but then again i dont think i fully understand the deal seeing as how i havent ever been married let alone for over 20 years! and i know in my head that this is a tough situation and a tough decision but i just dont feel it like he must. sometimes you just cant project yourself into another person's situation, you just cant. but damn if being patient is a thing i have a hard time doing!
so, right now i am just pissy and pissed off at myself. i shouldnt have, in the grand game of things, shown him my frustration because i lose power that way, but i so dont have a poker face at all and i have really realized that i suck at playing games. i dont have enough self-control and deceptiveness to be very good at it. romance and strategy for me just dont mix well. and of course i am so pissed at myself because i have recently realized that i feel much more deeply for c than i thought i did. damn me and my heart! it would be so easy if i didnt feel the way i do, dammit! and of course the inevitable question of strategy is, do i tell him or should i wait until he tells me? yeah, we are talking about the evil L word. and maybe it hasnt been long enough to really know but i feel it inside and have this driving compulsion to say it. ugh! what a conundrum. i would so be showing my entire hand and losing power then, but its the truth and i have a hard time hiding the truth.
so this is my deal. things are about to get major wack with the academy starting and it aint a good thing that right now i am totally menstrual. should make for an interesting week if nothing else. and an interesting week for kt. good luck man! if i could fly out there on wednesday to be there for you i so would. and i swear i am gonna find some stuff to send you for your graduation, birthday, and thesis defense. damn, i am so in the gift hole it aint funny, so i guess i gotta make it fabulous! hmmmm, jewels, furs, cars?.....
and do i have to apologize for failing to blog for a while. i was totally cut off from the website at work. damn the man! so here i am back to continue the ever weird story of my deal.
so, when last i blogged, i think i has just emailed major flirt aka c. well, since then many things have occurred. we emailed back and forth that first week and also talked on the phone. he started coming over to hq just to see me. ah, it was a heady time indeed. and then we made a date to go out to dinner and to have "the conversation." yep, that conversation about his wife and the cheating and all that jazz which i just had to broach. yeah, sometimes i ask questions i dont really want to hear the answers to, but this had to be done! i am the queen of those questions and probably always will be but sometimes you just have to know the truth of the matter even though it may hurt. anyways, so we ate and i asked and he answered. there was like a really touching moment at one point where he was obviously upset. thats when i knew he wasnt playing me. it was that moment that i peeked into his soul and just knew the deal.
anyways, since then we have continued to email and chat and he comes by every morning and we have even gone out a couple of times. we went to play pool one sunday (yes i will go to hell for that!) and just went out to dinner a few days ago. but alas, things have somewhat hit a snag, i suppose you could say. and perhaps its just because i am totaly menstrual but i am getting very impatient. ask anyone who knows me, patience is barely even in my vocabulary! the academy starts tomorrow (!!!) and i was planning on having c come over some time this weekend since i wouldnt be seeing him on a daily basis anymore. well, something with his son popped up saturday and something is messed up with his car today so no dice basically. and i got really pissed off and really upset. we were talking on the phone last night about this and other things such as whether he still fucks his wife. the answer to that was yes but rarely. i of course asked when the last time was and the answer to that, which pissed me off majorly, was within the last month. i was so pissed i didnt press for an exact time. i knew i would freak if i really knew. so with all of these topics going and me already being pissy before we started talking, this degenerated, although not to a yelling thing. i was actually very quiet, queerly quiet. so we ended hanging up in a very unhappy state.
i mean i guess it shouldnt surprise me that he still fucks his wife. he says that she still initiates and that he just goes along with it, but feels shitty and like he shouldnt have done it afterwards. i of course called him on this whole deal about the fact that he could always say no. so i asked him if he felt forced to do it, or obligated and he said no. so i said that he then must want to do it and he paused and was quiet and eventually said that yeah he must want to and that he must be a dickhead for it (a comment i had made moments earlier). see, yet another question or topic i really didnt want to know the truth about but had to ask.
i'm just about to the point right now, probably menstrually induced, where i just want to scream out loud, "shit or get off the fucking pot motherfucker, jesus h. christ!" and perhaps it isnt fair of me to feel like he needs to choose now, its only been like a month now, but it doesnt mean that i am not frustrated. and of course the longer this goes without the choice being made the more and more i wonder whether or not the choice will ever be made. but then again i dont think i fully understand the deal seeing as how i havent ever been married let alone for over 20 years! and i know in my head that this is a tough situation and a tough decision but i just dont feel it like he must. sometimes you just cant project yourself into another person's situation, you just cant. but damn if being patient is a thing i have a hard time doing!
so, right now i am just pissy and pissed off at myself. i shouldnt have, in the grand game of things, shown him my frustration because i lose power that way, but i so dont have a poker face at all and i have really realized that i suck at playing games. i dont have enough self-control and deceptiveness to be very good at it. romance and strategy for me just dont mix well. and of course i am so pissed at myself because i have recently realized that i feel much more deeply for c than i thought i did. damn me and my heart! it would be so easy if i didnt feel the way i do, dammit! and of course the inevitable question of strategy is, do i tell him or should i wait until he tells me? yeah, we are talking about the evil L word. and maybe it hasnt been long enough to really know but i feel it inside and have this driving compulsion to say it. ugh! what a conundrum. i would so be showing my entire hand and losing power then, but its the truth and i have a hard time hiding the truth.
so this is my deal. things are about to get major wack with the academy starting and it aint a good thing that right now i am totally menstrual. should make for an interesting week if nothing else. and an interesting week for kt. good luck man! if i could fly out there on wednesday to be there for you i so would. and i swear i am gonna find some stuff to send you for your graduation, birthday, and thesis defense. damn, i am so in the gift hole it aint funny, so i guess i gotta make it fabulous! hmmmm, jewels, furs, cars?.....
