Gee, and I really miss the holidays at home. I'm so glad you could go, and then I can experience it vicariously. Oh, wait! My evil plan has worked! My mother has supplanted me with a proxy daughter -- and you got caught in the net! So at least someone gets to experience thanks-giving with my newly inaugurated butt pirate brother, his knocked-up dumb-ass girlfriend, my nutcase mother, and her crazy friends. And you managed to work dog sex into the whole thing, which proves that beastiality makes the holidays fun for the whole family.

And people wonder why I moved away from the South and my family. It's amazing what a shine 2000 miles can put on something. Siberia rocks.

i on the other hand got sucked into bird day with yo momma and her ego-maniacal know-it-all friend and her foreign exchange prisoner, er, um, i mean student. the foreign chick was cool but it looked like she wanted to run away to freedom from that ego-maniacal bitch, damn, i forget her name. and kt's brother's bitch, casey, however she spells it, looked like she was flat out knocked up! im telling you, if she aint preggers then shes just a cow because damn in the few months i havent seen her she has ballooned! of course most of the night was taken up by kts mom and kts brother bickering and then the ego-maniacal bitch rambling on and making an ass out of herself. shes loud, stupid, and craves attention. she also thinks that because she owns a bunch of mutts that screw, the offspring of which she sells or gives away or whatever, that shes a fucking canine expert. no, youre just a lonely sad shell of a woman who gets an ego boost by making her little furry doggies fuck for a living. poor poor little furry doggies. doggie prostitution ring is what it is! and to top it off, no yummy susan-edible dessert and enough leftovers to feed ONE of my cats, not me or the other furry bastard! ugh! i shoulda had a v8! holidays can go fuck themselves, im over it!

Well, another Turkey day has passed, and for the fifth year in a row, I have been at what I fondly refer to as an "orphans" gathering -- where all the people who don't have family nearby go for a family holiday. I don't miss being home, except for the not having to cook anything and having tons of great food. For the first three of those years, I was the host and cooked the turkey bird. Raw turkey is absolutely disgusting. Ick. I don't miss that. For some reason, I cannot for the life of me remember what it was I did last year. It's a blur. That's weird, when you can't remember what you did for the last holiday. I'm sure I was somewhere eating, but I don't have a clue who with or where. Hmmm. Old age, apparently.

I don't know about these holidays. On one hand, I think it's great that we've institutionalized days to remember the things and people important to us. But on the other, for those without family nearby or family they want to spend time with, it kinda sucks. I've enjoy making things my way, rather than having my mother organise our entire holiday. There's something liberatingly adult (the good kind, not the bill-paying responsible kind) about deciding how it is you would like to spend a holiday, a day that society has ultimately, for whatever reason, deemed Important and Meaningful. And that includes choosing not to celebrate that holiday. I like the fact that, if I so chose, I could decide NOT to celebrate Christmas, my least favorite holiday. I hate the commercialism of Christmas, the inescapability of the damn season, the fucking red and green, the carols EVERYWHERE, and the frenetic pace of the whole season. I like the idea of recognizing your family and friends and thanking them for what they contribute to your life. I've traveled home for the past many number of years, flying in in a frenzy, rushing around trying to navigate the damned suburbs of Atlanta in my mother's car to see all the friends and family I have in the area. Last year, I flew in to Hartsfield at 5:30 am Christmas morning, leaving the west coast the night before. Ugh. I hate that. I hadn't been sure where I would be or doing what, so I postponed getting tickets until the last minute -- and that's what I got. This year, I am not going home. I've been preparing my mother for this since March. She may survive the shock.

But the best thing is that this year, I can do it the way I want to. The important part will be servicing the kitty -- I'm going to get a tree for him to climb. What a present! Aren't I a good kitty servant? I'm thinking wired to the wall, the tree may actually not fall down too many times. Fun with cats and fun with trees. Fun from outdoors brought indoors. New traditions.....

well, as i was trying to get to sleep last night my sister called all my phones multiple times. i of course being pissed off did not answer. so when i awoke this morning i listened to her answering machine message which basically said hey i may very well be flunking the practical part of my coursework, what do i do? of course if you fail out of a phd program you have about a snowballs chance in hell of ever ever getting into another one. frankly, and perhaps this will sound shallow or just plain mean, but frankly im just bored of it all. im bored of hearing her moan and bored of being fucking tony robbins every time i talk to her on the phone. if shes flunking out and basically outta there she just needs to fucking move home and find a job. right now she aint got many options other than moving home or hanging herself. im not sure which option i favor right now...! its just that i help people all day, i dont feel like helping her anymore especially because she has to help herself! i really dont wanna call her back but if i dont shell think i dont care, which i dont, but she might actually go flingin herself off some cliff somewhere. ugh, stupid people suck, especially when theyre your family!

Okay, yeah, I’ll admit a metrosexual trainer sounds fun, but where the hell would I find one? There are no metrosexuals in Siberia. For one thing, there are no metros here, and for the other, the sexuals are kept mostly under wraps. It’s like Christo for your sexuality. As though the whole state has a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. It’s the same, more or less, if you’re a liberal. Don’t ask, don’t tell, and we can all perk along at the same status quo rate of life that just thrills the hell out of me. Our legislature actually had a discussion about the legal issues inherent in licensing cosmeticians for bikini waxing. The differences between a Brazilian wax and a regular bikini wax were discussed (after being explained to) by a bunch of middle aged white men. And you can bet few, if any, would consider metrosexuality a reality, a possibility, or of interest.

I have a few choice words for you on siblings: You can do NOTHING for them when they choose to fuck up their lives. It’s the same with other family, friends, coworkers, acquaintances, etc. and so on down the line. You control no one but yourself. How is it, though, that two children raised in the same environment by the same people turn out so differently? You and your sister share genes, too, for fuck’s sake! So you’re basically supposed to start out life on the same foot, but she ends up flunking out of grad school and with no social skills, and you end up with a career and more dating experience than anyone else I know.

At least my brother and I cannot claim the same genes. There are some reasons to be thankful for adoption. But this case study does really make an argument for nature over nurture. But then again, he was a boy and I was a girl, and that really does change not only the expectations that your parents place on you, but those of society, and the way that you each are treated. He got away with much more than I did, partially because I’m the oldest, but also because he was a boy and there was less emphasis placed on learning how to act and being responsible for one’s actions. After all, people still believe that “boys will be boys” and will act out, and that’s just normal and okay. This is the same society, remember, that still can’t help blaming the rape victim or the abuse victim. The same societal malaise that refuses to admit that we condone a world in which women are still second-class citizens.

But back to MY sibling, he’s in jail again. I wish he would become a real criminal, and learn how to rob people, or steal cars, or jump trains, or even threaten. Instead, he’s in jail for the THIRD time for something incredibly stupid. It’s a matter of thinking. I remember my mother constantly telling me I needed to think before I acted, think before I spoke. I don’t always, but I do realize that my stupidity has consequences. My brother, well, he just never figured that one out. He’s going to end up in prison, just like I told my parents he would back when he was 10. And I’m not even clairvoyant. I guess this makes Christmas shopping easy: cigarettes and soap on a rope. For the good Catholic boy in prison, where can I find one with a picture of the Pope on it? Pope soap on a rope!

ok, first up i guess would be the british guy, jon. well, he was nice and smart and fairly cute (he looks better with the goatee- or van dyke as one assholey friend insisted on calling it- which he had shaved off sometime before our date) and apparently, like all the british guys i meet, is independently wealthy after having started and sold several of his own businesses. that being said, these jeans just didnt fit quite right. there were times when he seemed to get off on being smart like in a showy way which i think is obnoxious and frankly, funny enough, hes just too rich. we have different views and values regarding money. i believe that $10,000 should NEVER be spent on a stereo system, while he thinks its ok. and he goes through cars like theyre tissues, always a new fancy car every year. he has no problem just blowing $500 on dinner with friends or whatever. i guess hes just a little bit bougeouis and im a little bit proletariat. nice guy, no sizzle...

and of course i got a phonecall from my sister last night informing me that as she had feared she did get fired and lost her funding. in graduate school having no funding is BAD. she is just about to be kicked out as well because she has managed to completely fuck her life up. shes always behind on her academic subjects, she struggles in her internship, people are always having meetings about her and what to do with her. i just dont know what the deal is. she must be sabotaging herself. i mean, i dont remember her being this fucked up and irresponsible, but maybe i just wasnt paying attention. and part of me wonders if that strange overdose thingy with the medication of hers that made her gums turn blue hasnt affected her brain...seriously, i wonder if damage has been done where she has issues with academics now. so of course she calls me and wants to know what to do. i wanted to tell her to accept the fact that she fucked up and move on and try to fix it, but being that blunt would have been mean. plus, she needs to figure things out for herself. i gave her some advice and mostly a big pep talk, but ultimately she has to do it on her own. she is 36 for fucks sake, it shouldnt be this hard for her. sure, shes socially stunted but for fucks sake, how do you fuck up graduate school where youre being paid to learn?! nothing is out of pocket for her, its all given to her on a silver platter, but there were problems right from the beginning. i am just befuddled. she has so many excuses for everything, but she never blames herself. sure, youve got crohns which makes you really sick somtimes which in turn makes you depressed, but get the fuck over it. jesus christ, weve all had tough times in one way or another and weve pushed through it. you barely poke lynne and she rolls over like a mafia shill. it turns out she may have to take a leave of absence and go home to florida until next fall, which she of course sees as a failure (which really it kind of is) and shes all crying about it and shit and being fatalistic about everything. ok, a few days of wallow and fatalism is fine, but get over it. be an adult for a change and fight for what you want. if you dont wanna be there leave, if you do wanna be there fight to stay and get your ducks in a row. im just tired of having to be her personal tony robbins every time she fucks up in a major way. im 10 years younger than she is, im not supposed to be the one telling her how to live her life. i just wanna shake her and scream at her, but that would just make her think i didnt support her. please, lynne, grow up and accept responsibility for your mistakes! you got yourself into this mess, you, not your illness, not anything else, you, accept it and make a plan to fix it and move on! for fucks sake!

on a lighter note, i had another training session with jeff my metrosexual trainer. i love him to death!!! hes so sweet and kind and funny and kicks my ass! he is gonna turn me into a total uma thurman kill bill ninja baby! and hes sooo cute! mmm soooo yummy! he gets me all hot and sweaty! lol! im sooo gonna have to keep up the twice a week, if i cant bump it up to three times a week without breaking the bank. i think he said they gave a bulk discount so maybe if i agree to an assload of sessions i can get them cheaper. i have way too much fun and get my ass totally kicked every time i go that i cant imagine stopping. thats the whole plan isnt it? they get you totally addicted to your personal trainer and then you just cant say no to them. they are very clever those crunch people! but hey, no judgements! but seriously kt, you need to get your own metrosexual personal trainer, youll love it! everybodys doin it these days!

It’s Monday morning. According to the thermometer outside the window of my spare bedroom, it was exactly ZERO degrees when I left my house, despite the deceiving sunnyness. The trees are covered in hoarfrost, making lacy white sparkly patterns against a soft blue sky. It’s pretty outside, but frickin cold.

I hate Monday mornings basically because it takes half the morning to figure out what it is that needs my attention immediately. I know that I have emails I need to answer (yes, they’re work-related) but the email system is acting up and I’m unwilling to battle it right now. I have a stack of things to read, and a to-do list, but the only things that seem to make it on to the list are things I keep not getting around to doing because they aren’t significant enough. Oh, and it’s cold in the office, too. We have giant windows, which are great, but they also suck off the heat. To combat this, an HVAC system was installed right in front of the windows – but the heat isn’t on for some reason. Brrrr.

I cannot believe that it is late November. I don’ t know where the time goes, but it does disappear when you are a working drone. 8 hours a day makes the days go away. Granted, if I look back at the last 8 months, so much has changed that it makes the lost time seem well-spent, or at least I can get an idea of how it was spent. I feel different than I did then – a little more confident that I can be a competant working drone. I’ve hated every job I’ve ever had until now. I hated going there every day. I’m still not sold on the every day thing, but I have some really good days to go with the mediocre and the shitty ones. I generally like what I do, and most of the people that I do it with. I’m not so sure about this snowing in October (we’ve now had our second snowfall of the year, which, coming from places where one was a big deal and not an annual event, is new and frankly cold).

I don’t know. I’m in a pensive mood, happy, but needing time to sit on my ass and think. And I won’t get that today. After work I have to go to a public meeting and listen to the city tell me why they have to widen a two-lane street to prevent this town’s version of “traffic” (i.e. a two-minute delay on ONE north-south corridor – there are other, quicker options). The street goes through our historic district, and not only are the frontages not big enough to support street widening without people losing their small front yards, but there are gorgeous street trees (which are not old – they are in their prime, according to the city forester) which will be torn down. They add to the character of the district and the quality of life not only for the people who live there, but for people like me who occasionally drive around to look at the prettier parts of town (and dream of living someplace that is visually pleasant, rather than in my suitable but drab and without a view basment apartment.) Ah, dreams.

well i just got back from lunch with the ex, andy. he is still a loser, if not more so. his place is a shithole, hes got a crapload of electronic stuff such as an xbox, and now, get this, he even role plays! yes ladies and gents, hes into fantasy role playing, 12 sided die and all! ugh! LOSER!!! he looks scruffy like usual and hes as dull as usual. guess where he works now...come on guess.....youll never guess...he works for toto, yes the japanese TOILET makers! lol! he watches toilets go through kilns and makes sure they dont explode! lol! oh yes, he works for a toilet maker! perfect job! LOSER! he told me about the whole fbi thing (stealing my dream!) and hes like, if i dont make it its not a big deal, im just applying to apply, it may be fun, but i dont expect to get in. what an ASSHOLE!!! go fuck yourself you bitch! i asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said no. i told him it was the role playing that was the cause for that. you know what, i dont think hes had a girlfriend since me. i dont think hes had SEX since me. nobody would be as good of course (of course!) but damn, get a life. shit, what a loser. toilet boy! lol! ah, needless to say there are NO leftover affectionate feelings for andy, not that i expected there to be any. it wasnt even that great to see my doggy, hudson. hes just a googley eyed smelly dog in need of a bath and a shave. that kind of makes me sad, the fact that i wasnt overjoyed at seeing hudson, but i guess thats what 4 years or whatever does to you. hes not my dog anymore.

but anyways, the english guy wrote me back...again! i think we're going out sometime tomorrow. so far he seems really cool, but of course ive received a whopping two emails from him. we seem to have similar tastes in entertainment and similar senses of humor, etc. we shall see i suppose. an asshole in brit clothing? who knows! knowing me, hes either an asshole or has a limp or likes kiddie porn. my fingers are crossed... i shall keep everyone updated of course (of course!).

well well well, lookee who emailed me back! one of my british prospects that is! and the cuter one too! yummy! his name is jon, yucky spelling of john, but hey, its not stu or brad or jesus so im happy. hes 31, employed, british, cute as a button, oh did i mention BRITISH!!! i love the brits...i love their music, i love their tv, i love their humor, i dont however love their food, but hey, i dont think they love their food either! AND i love love love their accents! as has been discussed prior, a great british accent can elevate a man who might normally be residing at the 5 or 6 level on susan's sexiness scale to a strong 8 or maybe even 9! mmmm, yummy accents! im not quite sure what it is about accents and their affect on me, but hey, i cant describe how a tv works either and im not losing sleep over it! ah, i have to say it feels nice to reply to an ad for a cute seemingly smart non-assholey person and have them actually write back and be interested in return! go me! yes, i need a collective cross of the fingers or ritual slaughter of a goat here with this one. please god, dont let him be a wanker! ive never fucked a british guy before, come on, i need this one, god! oh to hear moaning british style...like petey! oooooh, oooooooh...! i love that scene! he really sounded like he was climaxing...just for me! dont you all love how the athesist invokes god when she really wants something?! im a hypocrite, so sue me you fuckers! but really, ive always had a thing for british guys...maybe its because i was british in a former life...remember that one! ah yes, college days, salad days! anyways, we shall see how this one goes. i pretty much expect just about anything these days...that reminds me, i was chatting about pimps and hoes with jeff my personal trainer and i realized just how average it all was to me. crack hoes, people being run over by bulldozers, molesters...just an average day for me...how bizarre is that?! but anyways, wish me luck with british jon here...i could certainly use it!

well considering i work with "blue collar" people i understand the literacy issue. i hate it when poeple look at me funny when i use a "big word!" although its a bonus for me that i can write well because then i look like a fucking genius in comparison! so i guess it goes both ways. but yes, ignorance may be bliss, but it sure is annoying to us who arent ignorant!

so i went to my trainer yesterday, jeff. it is now confirmed...he is straight! yes!!! he had me doing this exercise thingy on a step bench (usually used for step aerobics) and we started talking about step classes. i suggested he take one because they can actually be fun with the right music and teacher. he made the comment that there arent usually many straight guys in step classes. i would say thats a confirmation. i so have him "in the palm of my hand" as i have jokingly been saying of boys lately. he'll show me some new exercise thing and use a techincal name for it which i bastardize down to "lunge thingy" or "jumping thingy." he laughs when i say it and even commented that he liked it when i said goofy things like that. oh yes, the susan is getting into his system baby! however, i have been wondering if theres some sort of ethical thing with trainers and their trainees as there is with shrinks and their crazies? geez, i hope not! just my luck personal trainers have some sort of ethical oath or something. ugh, damn ethics! but jeff is really sweet, although i dont really like the whole i train a lot and am hugely buff and i shave my body thing hes working...but hes not as bad as some of those guys ive seen. shit, is jeff a metrosexual?! doing the whole body obsession and waxing thing? hmmm....

as for andy, the fucked up ex who stole my dream of becoming an fbi agent, we're supposed to go out this weekend some time for a meal of some sort...if the fucker can remember to fucking call me about it. see that was his whole problem when we went out...irresponsibility! sure, you can goof off and not do some things, like stupid unimportant things, but when it comes to adult responsibilities or school responsibilities and things involving other people and their schedules you need to be more on the ball about it i think. thats why i cant fucking stand jason is that hes an asshole because hes irresponsible...well, and a people user, but thats another conversation. so this whole andy meeting should be interesting. should be very interesting to see how he has changed, if at all!

oh, i chatted with this dude the other day. he seemed cute from his pic and all and our conversation was great until...until he mentioned all bizzare like, and of course way into the conversation, that he walks with a limp. ok, thats fine, but he said, "i dont mind it but other people always stare." ok, this means his limp isnt some slight thingy its like a major im a gimpy retard limp! he said he got, get this, run over by a tractor when he was 2! jesus h christ! of course there would be something. anyways, doesnt really matter much because i realized im not much into the whole male jetsetter thing. he travels for work and travels outside of work and seems to really take it for granted. im just not into that. sure, id love to travel, but it seems snooty to be a "jetsetter." plus, he seemed a little like a party guy. sorry, im not into party guys. get a life please! fucking jetsetter limpy fuck.

so, pretty typical susan situation working here. but i do have some emails out to really cute british guys looking for dates and one or two regular american guys so we shall see. shit, that sounds so lame...i troll the internet for dates. ugh! tis the life of an exhausted cop who cant date people she meets at work (criminals!) and doesnt ever go out because her friends are lame and have families and lives and shit to do...ugh! i of course jest, but its still frustrating. i think im gonna have to subpoena scotty for us to go out again! i got blown off this weekend for a buddy, 2 little yellow kids, and a lawsuit in magistrate court. i suppose those are legit, but still annoying. anyways, i should probably go do something. i have an assload of shit to do and i have to run by the precinct to drop off yesterday's paperwork. ah, the jetsetter life, eh!

Work-related gripe:

I work with mostly non-professional writers who are generally writing on subjects that, even if they are used to writing, they are not used to writing about. The essays that they are required to write (may I mention that the program is voluntary and you sign yourself up?) are outlined and described in an instructional booklet. The booklet clearly describes how the process works, including how many essays there are (2), how they need to be written, and what the subject of each essay is. IN DETAIL. And yet, I spend half my days explaining these things to people! When you call someone and say, “I want to get involved in this, send me some information.” and the person at the other end of the line obliges you, shouldn’t you give her the courtesy of reading the information before calling with 20 questions?

Oh, and here’s the kicker – it’s not the farmers, housewives, and small town folks that I have problems with. Their writing is simple, and they don’t usually know comma rules, and they tend towards the vernacular in language. But they understand the simple concepts involved in writing these short descriptive essays, and they have a grasp of basic sentence structure. These are the people we often thing of as uneducated. The people I have problems with are the engineers, architects, and doctors (of something, although definitely not of English) who think that they can write, but can’t. These people have college degrees, often more than one, in fact, and yet do not know how to write a complete sentence. And what the hell is it with capital letters? Why are there capital letters everywhere? We’re not the fucking Germans! We don’t capitalize all our nouns! And architects are the worst about it. I know they don’t have the excuse of being multi-lingual, as they usually don’t even have a language requirement! ARGH!

When did we stop teaching basic writing and communication skills?

ADDENDUM:
We got a comment!
In my last post, I was discussing the complications of dating a single father. The comment suggests the problem is that I've been introduced to his daughter too soon, and she shouldn't be involved until things "get serious" (for lack of a better euphemism). This may be true.

Let me explain a few things, potentially mitigating circumstances:
1) The s.o. and I live a few hours apart. We don't usually hang out for an hour -- it's a full day or more event.
2) When we met, I was introduced to the daughter as a friend. There was nothing going on between me and her father at the time. Not being a parent, nor divorce, I have to guess that single parents usually introduce their friends to their children. We were hiking buddies for a while before anything happened. So when we got involved, I had already met her.
3) The choice of involving the daughter was made by her father, not by me. I have asked questions, been interested, and done my best to learn about their relationship, but have not pressed the issue of her getting to know me, me getting to know her, or the three of us spending time together. What I've been trying to do is let her talk to me, when and where she is comfortable with it. I don't know what else to do.

Thanks for the comments! More encouraged. Dating a single father is 100% uncharted territory for me, and dealing with a 13 year old is also new. As always, I need all the help I can get.

Oh, and thanks for reading the minutiae of our lives.

I cannot imagine paying anyone to kick my ass on a regular basis. But then again, I would never get into fantastic shape without it, and I would never choose a life track that physically challenging – I’d hate it. But you go, girl! Kick some ass. Literally.

I asked the s.o., and he said his daughter doesn’t hate me – she actually likes me. But she’s kind of in a pissy stage of life, which apparently prohibits her from exhibiting too much pleasure. And she isn’t so sure about her dad dating right now. His take on the issue seems to be that she has the tools to deal with this – including open communication with her father. He knows her better than anyone else. They have an incredible relationship, even if more permissive than what I grew up with, and I have to trust his skills. I do feel better knowing that he’s aware that his daughter isn’t completely okay with him dating – oblivion is hard to deal with.

I’ve read a few articles lately dealing with girls and young women’s clothing. A friend of mine in Arizona said there’s a group of college and high school girls protesting that they cannot find things to wear – summer clothing covers so little now, but is in the stores forever in sunny AZ. I hear the same thing in our papers here – high school girls are having problems finding clothing that they are allowed to wear to school, nonetheless clothes that they feel comfortable in. Why are young girls being so sexualized, so exploited by their own clothing? I don’t have a problem with women showing their bodies, to the degree to which they feel comfortable. But they shouldn’t have to, and with the clothing I see in the malls here, there aren’t many choices. If a 20 year old woman chooses to wear revealing clothing, fine. When a 13 year old girl wears low-slung jeans, a thong showing out the back, and a baby t-shirt that says “Cowgirl Ranch: Saddle Up for a Wild Ride,” there’s something wrong! Parents should be involved in these clothing decisions, but what can they do when there are no choices? And why are these styles coming up? I find it a disturbing trend. Does this have anything to do with what looks like the rise in child molestation? Or is it that we are becoming more aware of molestation, and just recognize and prosecute this crime, instead of hiding it?

The other thing that I’ve been looking at lately is politics. I have a feeling that it’s going to take me until February to figure out who to vote for in the Democratic primary. NPR has been doing interviews with the candidates, and they are available on their website. So far, they’ve interviewed John Edwards, John Kerry, Dennis Kucinich, Wesley Clark, and Howard Dean. It is interesting to hear them speak, rather than just read their words. I don’t know how people chose candidates before the internet – I cannot imagine relying on my local newspaper for my political news. It should be interesting to hear the debates that are coming up. I will be watching for candidates who listen to questions, answer the question that was asked, and who listen to one another. A platform is a great thing, but we need a leader who can think on her feet – or his feet. (Although one who can read a teleprompter smoothly would be an improvement.)

More on the upcoming family gathering and birthday party after it happens….

wow, we have our first reader comment! how exciting! please feel free to continue commenting. as for me, ive been busy lately. i just arrested a child molester the other day. i talked to the investigator taking the case and found out that the guy did everything you possibly could to another person sexually to this little girl. he went down on her, she went down on him, and he even ejaculated into her mouth! ugh! how absolutely nasty! she is such a great little girl. she was able to draw pictures of everything and even described how the guy's semen tasted! this guy was so motivated he even lubed up when he tried to anally rape her. he said he stopped because she was screaming too much. i hope this guy gets it in the ass from his prison friends. fucking asshole!

but on the happy side, everyone thinks i did a great job. the lieutenant in charge of persons crimes praised me, my sarge says that child crimes would love to have me, and the investigator taking the case is writing me an official letter of praise. this will be my first letter, im so excited! seems that i am making a name for myself in the right places. go me! so hopefully when i get off my probabtion after two years (coming up in june!!!) and i put in my letter of interest i will get a spot investigating crimes against children and other special victims. i cant wait! i know that sounds weird to say i cant wait to investigate other heinous crimes, but ive wanted to do persons crimes for a while and this is a foot in the door for sure! well, ive got my fingers crossed. we'll just have to see when the time comes.

so anyways, i went to my second personal trainer thingy. i actually had a good time! who knew it could be fun to workout! and im sore today in a good way so that means im doing what i need to. so far its been a shitload of money well-spent. jeff told me to get a day of cardio in before next time (thurs) and right now im debating whether to go run now or not. there isnt a class i really wanna take. they mostly have spinning stuff today that is cardio oriented. i took a spinning class once...once. my fucking crotch has never been so bruised and sore. and tomorrow i have tentatively planned for scotty to come over. he may or may not be taking his sister's two little asian girls out to the movies and of course he hasnt called me to tell me for sure or not. little fucker! right now he's out with a "buddy" of his. i of course take "buddy" to mean a butt buddy...well he is an odd guy, you cant totally cross out the potential of flaming gayness that is hidden by beards. shit, am i his beard?! great...! shit, i should go run. ugh! its just that i havent slept much in the last week and i really just wanna lay about. i havent been able to do that in a while either. fuck! i gotta go run...and...ah the phone is ringing...

turns out scotty is taking his little yellow nieces out so i can hang out at home today and run tommorrow! yeah! although it does suck that we arent gonna hang...but it does give me time to air this place out...smells like something died in here...fuck! but anyways...

They do say that it never rains, it pours. And who sang "It's raining men"? Mojo or moxie, they are drawn to (and scared away by) confidence and class -- contradictory bastards!

As for the deeper question of "break-its," I think it boils down to how people live their lives. Contradictory viewpoints can add spice to a relationship in a non-sexual way -- definitely a good thing. What's hotter than a good debate? Live by the dictionary, die by the dictionary, because, as Plato said, you cannot argue something without defining your terms. But if a man thinks women who don't want to have children are suspect or phoney or not nice, does that translate into him wanting a woman who will bear him many children and raise them with him? That would be a relationship deal breaker, at least for a non-maternally-inclined woman (i.e. you or me). Or does it even just translate into wanting kids? The issue of wanting children IS a deal breaker. If one partner does and the other doesn't, you ultimately have a lifestyle/life goal conflict, which, in most cases, is best solved by both involved parties seeking other relationships. Just my opinion, though. Look at one of my break-its: workaholics. I cannot ever see myself living with someone who lives for his work. I hate that. What I love about work, as opposed to life as a student, is that, at the end of my 8 hours, I go home. I don't take work home with me. I frequently spend weekends or evenings at events and other work-related things, as my job sort of leads to that, but when I'm home, I'm off work. That's my time. Break-its are all about lifestyle, not so much about beliefs. But most of the time, beliefs guide or influence or even dictate lifestyle. (Look at religion, for example).

So my life. I started dating a divorced single father about a month or two ago. He has a 12-year old daughter. They spent the weekend with me. I don't think she spoke to me the entire weekend. Last night, after they left, I wasn't too happy about the situation. I like this guy, but I really have no clue how to deal with a pissy teenager (or a child in general, not having any) and I'm not sure I'm up for it. I don't need her to like me, just to generally be polite (as in, say hi and goodbye and acknowledge that I'm present, especially in my own house!) I was taking it pretty personally last evening, but I've cooled down. I think 90% of it is a combination of 2 factors: She's a shy 12 y.o. girl (awkward age) and she doesn't really like dad dating. Can't really blame her for either. At some point, though, being 12 is no longer an excuse for basically being rude. I can understand her not being thrilled about her dad dating again. There's no chance for her parents getting back together, and I think her mom's dated a reasonable amount since the divorce. But she lives with her dad and has had his undivided attention for a few years now, and I can see how she wouldn't want to give that up. She doesn't know me well enough to hate, despise, or villify me on any actual basis -- I'm just the hate-able girlfriend.

Biggest problem: I don't think her dad sees the problem. He wants everything to be hunky-dory, so he sees it as such. I don't know that he was prepared for dealing with the issue. It may help for us to back off a little, and for him to spend some more time with her, but they have all week every week (we live 2 hours apart), and when he makes plans for them on the weekend, she often chooses not to go.

I don't know. Why the hell do I complicate my life? Oh yeah: "We love because it is the only true adventure." (Nikki Giovanni). Susan suggested that I just ask him, innocently, if I'd done anything to offend the kid, because she didn't really seem to enjoy her weekend. The answer, of course, again, as Susan succinctly put it, is that I'm fucking her father, even if not in the shower, and that's enough. True. We'll see what he says, and how it goes, and then, as another friend suggested, I can always get food poisioning on Friday night and not be able to make the weekend (it is her birthday, and if she more or less hates my guts, why push the issue on what is supposed to be "her" day? Wicked plans can be formulated and used later.)
ARGH!

ok, so i just got back from my personal trainer session. seems like i have another jeff in my life now. not only is my shrink named jeff but now so is my personal trainer. so i go and stuff and we chat about my goals and stuff and sorta talk about what we're gonna do and everything. i of course mentioned that i didnt understand why people pay other people to watch them workout. jeff of course thought that was really funny. yep, jeff #2 thinks im a goofball. so anyways, jeff is really cute and sweet and funny and is now getting paid by me to kick my ass twice a week. im not even gonna tell you how much im paying for this. then again, ive always been the type (got it from my dad) to throw money at a problem. shit, if i wasnt paying this guy id be likely to stop going or get bored or something equally as unhelpful. its so sad that we have to pay people to make us do things. but i guess whatever works right? so now jeff is gonna help me become a total ninja. yes, i did mention the word ninja...like i said, im a goofball...i couldnt hide it that long from the dude! so he seems amused and im getting back into shape...its a win/win situation here...well plus hes getting an arse-load of my mad phat ducats every week now. lets just say that a new car payment would be less per month. yeah i know, i know, so im just gonna be throwing less money at my credit card bill OR working more part-time jobs, which actually im doing already since scotty cant always work his part-time anymore. i feel somewhat guilty about being all yuppie having a personal trainer at a fru fru gym and all, and im living outside the perimeter in soccer mom land, but if its gonna get me where i wanna go, isnt it worth the expense? i mean, i guess we all value things differently. basically im paying for someone to facilitate me changing my lifestyle and getting me in shape to get into the fbi and kick some fucking ass. if that means i have to work more part-times or spend an extra few months paying off my credit card, i guess im willing to make the trade-off. i guess this whole fbi thing really means a lot to me. shit, i cant imagine staying in gwinnett and retiring here at the dept. plus, i get to learn how to shoot a submachine gun for fuck's sake! its definently worth the assload of benjamins im paying to get to do that AND to be called AGENT susan. secret agent chick! im gonna be a fucking ninja baby...i better be...i paid for that!!!

ok, so i had the scotty outing. we went to eat mexican (which recently, unbeknownst to scotty, i realized i cant really eat anymore just because it just doesnt seem to taste good...i dont know what the deal there is!) and then went back to his place and watched 28 days later and ghost ship. after the movies we pretty much just hung out and chatted and sorta watched tv. i didnt get home till almost 4am. im not sure what to say about the deal. there were a few times when we were close or he touched me, but i dont know how casual or not those were. at one point i was sitting backwards on the couch looking at some cds and he sat down next to me and was right up against me. and then there were a few times when my foot was on the arm of the couch and his arm was laying against it. hes a tough nut to crack. and i discovered some odd things out about him...most things i discover about him are odd. we were somehow talking about dolly parton and he said he thought she was a phoney. this segued into discussing women having children and scotty said he thought women or men who didnt want to have children were suspect. i didnt get that whole deal and i told him that i thought it was ok for him to have opinions but that i didnt think he respected the rights of other people to make choices contrary to his opinions. he eventually admitted his narrowmindedness and inflexibility. also, i was talking about going to this xmas concert with barenaked ladies and sarah mclaughlin (great concert potential!) and he said hed never been to a concert and didnt really see the point. i found this to be most bizarre. never been to a concert?! dont wanna go to a concert?! this befuddles me! scottys brain is wired in such an odd way i just cant get my mind wrapped around it. hes more eccentric than i am! i didnt know if that was possible! hes just got these bizarre rules or beliefs or whatever. so, needless to say, i cant decipher the situation. hes like a rubix cube...impossible to solve. and lets just assume for academic purposes that something romanticy pops up...can two people with such opposing beliefs on certain topics (politics, procreating, concerts...he even hates ben and jerry because they support freeing mumia!) ever make it work? i mean, how different can two people be before its just too much? wheres the line? people talk about opposites attracting and stuff and of course you need some common interests, but how similar or different do two people need to be to be ok? i mean, two people can have different opinions, but will it ever come to blows? exactly which opinions of mine will i not compromise on? which things do other people believe that i just cannot tolerate or accept? i mean, i cannot accept someone who plays video games nonstop or who live role plays or sword fights or shit like that and most of the other "break-its" seem fairly shallow and arbitrary like that, but what about deeper things like political beliefs and stuff? what deeper "break-its" do i have? can a staunch liberal democratic socialist like myself ever be able to accept in my mate a staunch republican who loves W and who believes that ronald reagan was the best president ever? can i be with someone who wont buy ben and jerry for political reasons? i mean, i guess i should applaud that considering its taking a stand on something you believe in and all...but shit, as i told scotty, yummy ice cream knows no political boundaries! maybe im just a sellout or something. i dont know. i mean, i have odd things like that such as the fact that i will never eat in a cracker barrel because of past anti-gay issues. i mean, i guess as long as a person respects you and your beliefs and doesnt try to make you conform to his, whats the big deal anyways? afterall, compromise is the key to a good relationship isnt it? who knew such difficult questions existed out there? ugh! well, i guess i did, but i just never really thought about em much i suppose. ugh! see, being alone is much easier, these things dont pop up like this!

so anyways, im going to my free personal trainer session that i got as part of my joining cruch (no judgements!). frankly, i kinda dont wanna go. i mean, having a hot guy watch me workout doesnt seem like a fun thing. shit, why do people pay other people who are in better shape than them to watch them workout? i just dont get it! theres just so much pressure and potential for embarassment. shit, half of my life is motivated by the desire to avoid embarassment! how sad is that?! but i suppose itll be a good thing and maybe get me jump started to working out. shit, i paid for that!

listen, i randomly gave up pork, had a good jewish law school friend, AND read everything written by the jewish writer chaim potok...come on now, im more jew than many jews are! plus i also thought about going to conversion class and i used to shop at kosher kroger. your mockery is really misdirected! oi vey!

ok, the boyfriend family mission...just do it. if you dont show theyll think youre a pussy. just put on a cute smile and go in there and schmooze. as for the kid's gift, ask her daddy what she'd like. theres always that "gently used" vibrating cock ring you have laying around...!

as for the pussy, hey man, theyre dangerous! i got another one and they just team up on you! i am now outnumbered! choose carefully! every day will be like a forced march through vietnam...you always gotta watch out for trip wires and "charlie." but hey, i do support adopting poor abandoned meow meows. fuck, me and scotty feed all the alley cats for fucks sake. i wish all kitties and doggies had nice homes. if i had a house with a yard id have a slew of woof woofs and meow meows. the neighbors would probably call the animal cops on me! that crazy lady has a dozen animals over there...theres probably dead ones in her freezer! seriously, ive been in houses like that with 25 cats and poo everywhere and shit all over the place and sick kitties and stuff...it is not cool. those people are guaranteed a taxi ride to the gulag!

so, its t-minus 24 hours until the scotty outing. turns out he pussed out and we're going out to eat. he said its somewhere with chicken and i told him it better not be kfc! he was gonna do that whole i bought a rotisserie chicken and passed it off as mine bit, but thought better of it. hes just like me, he dont cook. the difference being, i CAN cook but CHOOSE not to...i dont think scotty could cook even if a gun was put to his head by nicaraguan guerillas! i told him that he needs to cultivate some sort of chick magnet skill such as cooking, carpentry, or serenading. he didnt seem to quite understand...! plus, and this is truly frightening, his mommie usually cooks for him. i told him he really needed to cut the cord. to quote the spice girls...scotty really needs to "spice up" his life! ill tell you what i want, what i really really want... oh yeah!

so, tomorrow's social plans, we're starting off the evening trapping some of the wild kitties scotty feeds at his house and then we're stuffing them in cages and taking them to get their balls chopped off. bob barker would be proud. well, i have heard that dangerous activites are good for first dates...wait, is this a date?!...i really dont mind, its a good thing that needs to be done. and scotty is paying for it all! and he feeds like 2 dozen feral meow meows! hes a typical nurturer. after the castration, we're going to this mystery restaurant, and then back to his crib for movie night. the first movie is 28 days later. scotty informed me that he gets really scared at scary movies...seriously, he gets really scared. yep, he definently needs a susan injection!

then again, most men/boys could use a susan injection! lately, it seems wherever i go i win over guys. its the most bizarre thing. this one guy on the morning watch has a crush on me. hes also a fuck up, not very cute, and has a young child who also apparently is obsessed with me. they will be driving around norcross and he always asks when he sees a police car if thats my car. he is always asking about the police lady. very bizarre. i also met another guy today, cop guy, i transported a prisoner for him and he seemed very smitten. hes a part of the motors unit so i schmoozed him up because im thinking of going out for motors...i just need to learn how to ride a motorcycle...i think the sexy new ex-motors guy on my cycle may be able to help me out with that! hey, getting your name out in good ways never hurt. this dude was all about me wearing leather, riding a hog, and writing tickets! oh yeah! then theres allan, the meat boy at publix where i do my part-time job. he so digs me, its cute. hes a cute guy and very very sweet and finally got his shit together after having a rocky teenage-hood, but he has a girlfriend and a newborn baby son. its funny how sometimes you can tell someone likes you when they say certain things. we were talking about relationships and boy/girl things and my personal life in particular and i could just tell by what he said that he really digs me. hes so sweet. he was talking about cooking, his girl magnet skill, and was teaching me about cooking crabs. its funny, we talk about everything and hes smart for a meat boy! if he dumped the girlfriend and asked, i would answer the call. and funny enough, hes brown, like latino brown, but luckily he doesnt have a stereotypical mustache and he doesnt work in construction! but anyways, for now, we're just buddies. but its funny how guys dig the susan wackiness and sense of humor...if only it was cute, smart, gq guys...! oh, and i think the new ex-motors guy may be starting to dig me. we message some and are bonding (we're both traffic nazis!). we're both shooting to beat the record for number of tickets written in a shift (56) by one of his ex-motors buddies. he has informed me that he will beat the record and me...i told him he was being a silly boy. i noticed the other day that hes got great beautiful blue eyes! and hes also funny. plus, he rides hogs...how sexy! a motorcycle badboy! oh yeah, just what i need! but a weird thing i realized is that he makes me nervous. i dont know if its just that i dont know him or what but i get nervous around him. how bizzare.

but speaking of blue eyes, i noticed the other day that scotty has pretty blue eyes. its funny how sometimes you dont notice stuff and then all of a sudden you do. like youll be driving somewhere and see a building or something and youll be like, shit has that always been there?! fuck me! ah, autumn has sprung...susie's hormones must be oozing out! maybe its the hair! i think my mojo may be back baby! its getting longer and longer and is getting close to being lower than my ear lobes! i am loving semi-girly hair and cant wait for it to get longer. im like samson but a chick...my hair is a magnet! once guys touch and smell my silky soft baby fine locks they are addicted! what can i say? i kick ass! hey, i gotta go with the positive self image while its here briefly! i reel em in with the flashing blue mercurial eyes, the "totally touchable hair," and then hook em for good with the intellect and rapier wit! yeah! i am "the total package!" fuck whats behind curtain number three monty, i am the real deal! lol!

so anyways, enough masturbation here! so, both amy aka "bearclaw" my best chick cop friend and allan the publix meat boy say that me and scotty are going out on a "date." what really makes an outing between a boy and girl a "date" versus an "outing" or a "jaunt" or a "social engagement" or what the fuck ever? is it the romantic potential that makes a "date" versus a "jaunt?" ugh! i swear! bearclaw thinks i am in denial. maybe i am...who knows....i guess we shall see after tomorrow's (insert appropriate term here).

now, onto my obsessive music downloading...i have become obsessed with downloading bizarre remakes of classic songs...most of which funny enough are ska remakes. theres something amusing about hearing ska brown eyed girl! ive also been searching for various artist vs artist songs...its where they take one song and another song and blend them together into one cool ass song. they had an elvis one a while ago and it kicked ass! i of course downloaded it. most of them are techno vs techno stuff which isnt cool to me because i dont know the originals but sometimes they have other more well known ones. its like searching for the holy grail! i must download every cool song i like that i have ever liked ever! my collection must be complete! mwahahahahaaaa! im gonna end up in music pirates anonymous! hello, my name is susan and im a compulsive music pirate...!

You ALMOST became one? When was that? And do NOT tell me that giving up pork (because you don't like it) constitutes almost becoming a Jew!

Joining a gym is fine. I tried it (granted, it was the YMCA) and didn't like it. That mainly comes from not finding classes to attend. Anyone who knows me is well aware of the fact that you more or less need to trick me into exercise. I hate the machines and won't go if I think I can get out of it (mentally). I think it's god-awfully expensive, but so be it. Whatever works for you, you know? And this is a positive thing -- working out is supposed to be good for you, right?

On another note: the "honeymoon stage" of a relationship. This is a beautiful thing. I love being a part of it, in the midst of it, in the swing of it, but hate knowing that it will end. I don't think anyone could live in this state forever (and who would want to try? I want no part of a Brave New World of "happiness," and the minor ups and downs are what give depth, shadow, and perspective to life. Wallace Stevens writes, "Death is the mother of beauty; hence from her,/ Alone, shall come fulfillment to our dreams/ And our desires." And it's true. Only loss or the potential of loss makes poignant the joy or beauty we currently possess. Only the knowledge of winter's imminence engenders us to enjoy the motley silks of autumn, the shiver in the air enticing our blood to pump thicker.

On yet the last thing going in my life: I am contemplating introducing yet another pussy in my life. I have one cat, joy and master in my life, who choose me back in March. Sullivan is a pretty grey tabby who turned one in May. He is demanding and needy and fun and cute and is the first roommate who doesn't drive me batty 60% of the time. But I leave him alone all day every day, plus visits to the aforementioned s.o. and travel for work. I think he's lonely. The humane society I got this creature from has many others up for adoption, of course (Bob Barker and I agree: SPAY OR NEUTER!) I have two potential kitty brothers for him -- but I need to clear it with my landlady and Sullivan first. They have so many cute kitties and puppies that have been given up by people. I don't know how anyone could do it -- to give up a creature. People suck.

Oh, and one last dilemma that's come up since I started this post last night: my current significant other is divorced and a single father with primary custody. He lives in the same town as his ex's family. His daughter's birthday is two weekends away, with a party to which I am invited, at which I would meet his ex-in-laws. Do I go and get the curiosity (SMALL town) over with (for them, not me) or do I find a reason not to go? He gave me an out, saying I didn't have to come if I didn't want to play 20 Questions, but I almost feel like I should just get the meeting out of the way -- I will have to do it eventually! Argh. Family are complicated, and relationships even more so.

ok, so im a loser and joined a gym. i managed to "jew" the guy down on the price some. yes, i know, that term is horrible, yet somehow oh so funny coming from my mouth! come on, i love jews! i almost became one of them...give me a break! anyways, so now i am indebted to the gym for the next 9 months...but hey, if im gonna pay the whatever a month im gonna fucking go. they have the cybex machines i like and have a variety of classes and a pool and the usual shit. plus, its close to my house. so, yeah, im a member. great. no judgements, ok?!

and yes, goodie for me!, i got my dsl high speed internet stuff in the mail yesterday and have set it up and have been stealing like a fiend! this is great! finally no waiting the fuck around for basic webpages to load and shit. god, how did i live that way for soooo long?! well worth the grant i drop on it a month. plus with my ipod, im a mobile jukebox! oh yeah baby! load it up load it up! i love the goofy remakes! oh yeah! baby hit me one more time!

I’m firmly convinced that age means nothing. Of course, that’s easy to say when you’re dating someone 14 years older than you…. It’s easy to make excuses for your statements. Regardless, it doesn’t seem to matter what age you are – the only real attachments to age are socially-imposed. The number itself is like money – meaningless. And there is no gold standard behind age. Numbers confuse us because they seem objective, but they are just representative symbols and in the case of age, they represent a number of years passed. WHATEVER!

Cattle prods are necessary for some things. I don’t know how to continue my righteous outrage long enough to prod me into action. I want to be active and political and involved, but I just don’t seem to get around to it. PAC of one, defunct.

I have to go – the computer is beeping at me. And I have plans with my coworkers tonight.

so, im going to this free tour thingy at crunch fitness (no judgements!- thats their catch phrase...). i had been to their website and sent them an email asking about pricing and they sent me an email back with a free membership offer. i gotta go to this tour thingy and i can get up to one year free for free. of course nobody ever gets one year free, but hey, ive wanted to check this place out and if i can get a few visits for free it will help me decide if i wanna join. the whole thing makes me feel dirty and paranoid, but hey, we shall see. i need to get off my ass and do some things i need to do to help with the REST OF MY LIFE!!! if im gonna go federal then i need to lose weight and get in shape and GET OFF MY ASS!!! its just so hard because im exhausted and this is just the beginning of november. this is my busiest work and part-time month in a long time and im just having trouble keeping my chin up. but alas i need to pay my bills and get out of debt...how many more months?!...and the opportunities were there to work an assload this month to help pay for this computer im currently using right now...i only do it to myself, its all my own fault! so anyways, we shall see how crunch goes. hopefully it will so motivate me that i will hop into workout gear and stop being a fatass couch potato. i wanna be a super ninja ass kicker afterall! theres so many things i wanna do but it always feels like i just dont have the energy. is that what growing older is like? shall i just sylvia plath right now and stick my head in the over? shit, my oven's electric... well, i guess i should just be happy that i managed to pay my bills ON TIME and ordered new dsl internet for faster, more convenient web surfing and music stealing. i also think my new checks may have arrived this morning...its a miracle i even managed to order them at all! and i even managed to do some laundry and clean my bathtub...and clean my sink out in the kitchen...yes, bug issues...i had forgotten i had eaten cereal at some time in the last month and left the bowl in the sink under other dishes...so sue me! and i even went to the apple store and got a transmitter thingy so i can listen to my ipod in my patrolcar. with a little ingenuity (unscrewing my car's antenna to cut out interference) the damn thing actually works well! well, i guess i have gotten some things done in the last few weeks. still, it never feels like i work or live to my potential.

arent we youngins supposed to be filled with abundant energy all the time? shouldnt i be both cleaning my apt and mobilizing some political campaign support thingy for the presidential candidate of my choice? shouldnt i be writing the great american novel and curing cancer (at the same time!)? it feels like someone would have to stick a cattle prod up my asshole for me to do even the basic things. and i dont know if its some sort of sleep deprivation, chronic fatigue, or lack of motivation (aka laziness!). is this how life is supposed to be?! is this what awaits me when 30 comes knocking? which btw, is coming quicker than a man with premature ejaculation! is this the next 50+ years of my life? is this even living at all?! ugh! but hey, no judgements...right?!

I think just becoming political might be enough of a revolution. Seeing as how only about 24% of our demographic voted in the last dumbfuckery we called an election, the majority of us are complaining while standing on our own two clay feet. Not me. I did vote, but was still shocked, ashamed, and disgusted. It was interesting to be in Oregon for the last election – not only was there actually a good contingent of Nader support, but we had something like 50 ballot measures at the state level. Government gone awry. I would highly suggest the book "Manifesta" by Jennifer Baumgardner and Amy Richards. A discussion of the history of and the current direction of feminism, it's a motivating read -- get involved. You can do something; you just have to figure out what your strengths are and what it is you have to offer.

I’ve been spending some time with the “elephants dressed as donkeys” (Sharpton’s comment). I really am not sure. There are a few people I can knock off of my radar pretty quickly – a few of the guys just seem like typical good ole boy politicians, and I think s.g.’s right about Moseley Braun – she isn’t much electable. I think part of that has to do with her double race/gender bind, but most of it has to do with the fact that 1) she’s got small potatoes experience, more or less (not that that would necessarily hamstring a man, but to be realistic, women do have to at least doubly prove themselves); 2) her opinions seem generic – positive, but generic; and 3) I don’t think she can raise the money for running. As for the rest of them, it’s funny to read s.g’s comments about Kucinich (if I spelled that right) – I like him. He’s good, Kerry’s good, Dean is interesting. Those are the three I’ve been convinced to look into further. Sharpton interests me mostly because he does more or less say whatever is on his mind. I think some of it is true, and some of it is inflammatory (and the latter I dislike), but he’s more upfront than politicians typically are.

I am going to try an experiment – once I’ve read more on the candidates I am most interested in, I am going to try writing them (email, if their websites offer it) and see what kind of response I get. Just curious. I like to write letters, so it should be interesting. I have a year to figure out how people get involved in politics in America’s Siberia, and I will be exploring the feminist fringe, as soon as I find it.

On other notes, I understand the hollowness s.g.’s describing when she talks about sex without caring. I can’t imagine fucking someone I didn’t respect – well, I can, but it doesn’t work! If I just want to orgasm, I can do that on my own, or with toys. They’re cheaper and ask less of you than a fuck buddy. And, gee, despite the Catholic upbringing (thankful to be in recovery), no guilt! Sex is often overrated as “an expression of love,” or some other poetic bullshit. Sex should be fun, physically enjoyable, and comforting, in the aspect of physical closeness and touching. But I don’t see how doing it with someone meaningless can be good.

I think that sex is somewhat of a window – sometimes the act itself clarifies a relationship. It allows you a space to see between the “lines” of life. Being naked in bed with someone, lying in one another’s arms post-coitus, languidly discussing whatever comes to mind, seems to me to be a telling moment. How easy is it and how comfortable? At this moment, with your defenses down (and no shield of clothing), how are things?

I have, recently, been well fucked. The funny thing is that the relationship, with its roller coaster ups and downs, that was recorded in the early days of this blog, finally broke down completely. It turns out that when you take two people who have a history of poor communication and separate them by 1500 miles, add in two face-to-face visits in the course of 7 months, plus new jobs and lives for both, you end up with no relationship. It degenerates to a level below your average friendship. So, as the realization, recognition, and disintegration of that was going on, someone new showed up on my radar. Someone I had an enjoyable, fun, comfortable time with. Someone that I wanted to look good for, in datelike fashion, but whom I didn’t need to be at my girliest for.

So, in less esoteric description – I met someone new. I did not break up with the ex because of the new person, but meeting someone who is a potential can sometimes force realizations. Since we’re into initials, we’ll call him g. (gq? Maybe. I like him.)

Funny fact though – he’s a few years older and has the added complication of being a single father. His kid doesn’t seem freaked out by me, but she may once it really sinks in that this isn’t a quick fling (I’m pretty sure it isn’t). How’s that for complicated? Hey, no one ever claimed that I would make my life easy and seamless.

I do keep wondering if things have gone “too fast,” as if there are any sort of reliable timetables for meeting, falling for, and getting involved with a person – or for getting over a person you were with at one point. My recent realization has been that one of the reasons that getting over the ex has been easier was because that relationship started disintegrating in January, when I chose to accept a job in the midst of America’s breadbasket.

well, yesterday was a busy day...for me at least. i managed to shove two big angry furry cats into one way too small cat carrier and took them to the vet. over one benjamin later i took them home and let them run rampant again. fuckers...eating me out of house and home, barfing all over the place, demanding attention and snacks! ugh! and i just saw a segment on good morning america about this new breed of cats called savannahs that are a mix of regular good ol american kitties with some sort of wild african meow meows. the mix makes them taller and longer and wild kitty polka dotted and also allegedly makes them more like dogs. supposedly they walk on leashes and fetch things like dogs and enjoy playing with dogs and stuff. ok, why get a cat thats like a dog when you could get a dog? cats and dogs both fill a different sort of need...wild cat/dogs are dumb and probably unhealthy for the cats and dangerous to the little kid that pisses them off and they rip their throats out...on the other hand, maybe we should give out these wild cats to all couples with children...yeah yeah, fabulous idea! so i wrangled those pussies and then wrangled my pussy and drove down to see jason.

yes, it was my idea to have a fuck fest...damn kt and her porno cd! fuck fests are always better as ideas than in actuality, especially if youre like me...a chick who needs deeper meaning in a relationship other than merely being fuck buddies. so i put on some fancy underwear etc which of course always works and we fucked. it felt nice believe me, he has this way of hitting places inside my cooter that feel bizarre and nice and everything, but ultimately it was hollow. its nice to be wanted, sure, but id also like to be wanted on a deeper level which isnt something he is capable of doing. so, i guess this is goodbye to jason. he isnt a very good friend and while he may be somewhat talented in bed, its not quite what i need or am looking for. plus, he doesnt quite set me on fire like he did when i first met him. like jeff said, and yes his name is jeff, i need a nurturer because i am a nurturer. unfortunately, sometimes nurturers get taken advantage of by people who just take what is given and never really give back. nurturers need other nurturers because then theyll both be giving, hopefully in equal proportions or as close to it as possible. jason aint nowhere close to being a nurturer, hes a very confused, self-cenetered, self-destructive person who needs to grow the fuck up and go see a shrink! so, thats that. its really a shame for him because he so needs somebody but he just cant figure that out. hes gonna be missing out on the 32 flavors that are me...cop, whore, caregiver, goofball, friend, intellectual, etc... oh well, its his loss...but will he ever realize he lost anything? im not optimistic about that...

but speaking of nurturers, scotty is a definite nurturer. i mean, the dude feeds alley cats in the ghetto for fuck's sake! and he has desperately been trying to adopt a kid. i guess that if youre a single guy cop they wont give you a kid...not even from all the brown and yellow countries! so, funny enough, as scotty told me not too long ago, his sister, funny enough named susan, knows of a young teenage girl "in trouble" who may be willing to give her baby to scotty. its so bizarre and totally scotty of course and i really hope it works out. i dont quite understand why scotty so desperately would want a crying pooping vomiting screaming responsibility, but hey, to each their own i suppose. the goofy thing is, if i wasnt planning on going into the fbi which means that i need to be in million dollar man shape, i would absolutley offer to be a surrogate mommy...and i think i would even do it for free, out of the goodness of my heart. ive always wanted the experience of giving birth to a baby without having to take it home for the next 18 years (or more as the case is with kids these days!). so, i guess thats out of the picture, although i have thought of offering to marry scotty so he can have a better chance at adopting. yes, its a total fraud, sort of like marrying for a greencard, but really, the whole adoption thing isnt fair unless youre a white rich family. they dont let gays adopt as easily if at all and heaven forbid youre single or something. its just not fair! so, anyways, we'll see how the knocked up teenage girl thing goes and then maybe i will suggest this scheme. shit, anyone who knows me knows that i am up for just about any kind of hijinks if it would make for an interesting story! and needless to say, marrying my friend to help him get a baby is hijinks of the goofiest order. and i dont even think its illegal. shit, people marry for worse reasons nowadays!

ah, i also watched the anderson cooper hosted rock the vote democratic candidiate q&a sort of session yesterday on cnn. i have to say that these 10 guys or whatever (and 1 gal) are all fairly funny people. i was most entertained and agreed with their positions on issues. its tough to figure out who im gonna support. i do think i am still leaning towards kerry...shit, his wife, whats her name, heinz, is a total card! thats gotta count for something in the event of a more or less tie between candidates. although i am also big now into john edwards, the dude from what north carolina or something. he seems like a down to earth guy with integrity. although there is also lieberman who has a long history of fighting for civil rights and standing up for what he believes in in his time in the senate. plus, im all about putting a jew in the white house! shabbat shalom baby yeah! im not into the chick despite the fact that a chick needs to be president because i dont think shes electable, unfortunately. not only is she female but shes black...that aint gonna fly. and then theres the rev al sharpton who is just too goofy to be president. way too out there. then theres kunicich who is probably the most tree hugging liberal of them all who is just a little too out there for me and also has some serious hair issues he needs to iron out. hes just a funny little oompa loompa looking man, sorry, plus the extreme left scares me just as much as the extreme right. really, i just want somebody who will say what they believe and who will fight for truth and goodness and who may entertain me from time to time. somebody with integrity might be nice for a change. no more bait and switch from the cushy i live off my daddy's nazi war profitteer fortune. w is the epitome of whats wrong with america- lack of responsibility, getting what he wants through influence and not hard work, selfishness, "moral" uppitiness, and a huge fan and supporter of capitalism. greed=bad. w=greed. motherfucking rich snobby environment killing monster suv driving assholes! fuck you, youre just like everyone else you motherfucker. and dont you dare fucking force your moral agenda on me. im not a sheep and i know your tricks. cant we all just believe what we want and be who we want and leave each other alone? why must there be this hierarchy? if we all believed we were equal and treated each other as such things would work much better than they do now. if we all just worked together toward common goals and forgot money we'd be able to do amazing things. afterall, money is just a manmade concept put in place to establish a social hierarchy. nothing really costs anything. if we erased money right now things would still work, we'd still build things, its just that everyone would get a piece of the pie. we could all have fancy cars and nice homes and food and clothing. we're just too dollar-centric. shit id do my job for no money if i was guaranteed a home and a car and healthcare and everything else. fuck, i practically do my job for free now as it is. if only people would have more faith in socialism and more faith in ourselves as humans. if only people would wake up and grow the fuck up and give a shit about people other than themselves. selfish motherfuckers!

Check out Democratic Socialists of America to be enlightened! Join the political revolution!

If you can love a womanizer, you can love a man with a toupee. And it isn’t about love at this point anyway – it’s about connection, having fun, enjoying a person’s company, respecting them, and utmost, feeling comfortable in your own skin when you are with him. If I were you, I would definitely mention the self-tanner. Ugh. Why bother?

Okay, again for the promised update:
I got a job. I need to change that profile. I’m in the high-rolling business of historic preservation now, after having moved to America’s Siberia. I know sg’s complaining that it’s 80. On the 22nd of October, it was 70 degrees. On the 23rd of October, it was 50 degrees. On the 24th of October, it was 30 degrees, and it hasn’t been above since. We’ve had 6 inches of snow in the last 24 hours, I had my first great experience digging Gertie (my car) out from under the plow drifts, and I’ve gotten out the snow boots, as well as the rest of the gear. Winter hath come. On the plus side, I did finally get the dent in my car fixed (dinged in a parking lot last March, couldn’t open the driver’s side door all the way, total ghetto car.) After I explained to the body shop guy that I just wanted to be able to open the door all the way, and that I truly didn’t care what the car looked like (Gertie has a beautiful soul...), he just pulled the dent out with a neat little car-guy tool and sent me on my merry, snowy way. Fantastic. I love it when scheduled adult things end up being mostly painless!

Remember when Jeff (his name is Jeff, isn’t it) told you that you’re really looking for your best friend in dates/potential mates? I.e. – you want to date me and I want to date you? I’m thinking he may be right. I don’t know why the freak-o, I never got over role playing, I still own swords and have no social skills dudes are attracted to you. But in general, you find men that are, in some way, unavailable. They are unwilling to committ. “What makes you hot? Something that you want but you haven’t got...” They dance out of your reach at every possible step of the game. THAT’S ME. I tend to attract the relatively stable, interested in long-term committment, want to be sweet and romantic types that are cute at first and then seem clingy and overbearing, mainly because I’m committment-phobic. THAT’S YOU! We both just need to dyke out and move closer together. Lesbianism as the solution to the world’s problems – or at least to dating dilemmas. But actually, we lived together, and I don’t think that is the solution to anything, regardless of how much we’ve both grown up since then.

ok so i went out with that john guy, the jeepster, and damn if he wasnt a loser! he talked for the first hour about his fucking jeep. ok dude youre not cool. youre a shithead! he had no sense of humor at all and was offended when i teased him about his jeep and about him being gay when he said he liked to shop. i wasnt trying to knock the guy, if i was it wouldve been much more entertaining than that. of course as the night progresses i learn he only has an associates and degree and thus cannot technically be an architect and that he roll-played as a kid and that he owns an extensive collection of swords with which he uses to sword fight. the whole night was spent talking about him and all of his bullshit. whenever i tried to talk he would talk over me. he asked few questions and didnt seem all that interested in getting to know my mind. he also had this bad habit of constantly making rude remarks about police officers and the police in general. he knows im a cop yet he felt the need to insult my entire profession. hey buddy, fuck you! fucking insult me and my brothers when your ass is in a sling and you need our help, motherfucker! the guy was a total oblivious loser with an attitude and an oversized opinion of himself! he did have great gq hair and a nice hug (he insisted on hugging me goodnight-yuk!) but thats it. thats not enough for me to say yes to another outing, hell no! please, motherfucker, dont call me...ever! youre the quintessential asshole and, dude, youre not even that cute to be able to get away with it so go fuck yourself you hot-tubbing, jeep-modifying loser asshole! yuk!

why is it that every nerd loser fuckwad is attracted to me? why, why is that? who have i pissed off karmically to have this be my life?! sure, looking at my bookshelf, the majority of the books i have here in my apt (a fraction of the books i own, the rest of which are in florida) are sci-fi books...which btw i havent read in probably 10 years!!! im a reformed geek (hey i tried to remove the starfleet academy sticker off of my car but the fucker wouldnt budge!). now im stuck with that scarlet letter of trek support stickers. i live with my shame every day! that doesnt mean all the loser geek nerd assholes should be attracted to me! no no no!!! im like a human nerd roachmotel...they are attracted to me and then get axed once they get near. my romantic battlefield is strewn with nerd corpses! how did this happen?! for fuck's sake! im the auschwitz of losers! ugh! this is just not fucking fair!

like i have said before, i will die as i have lived...alone! ah, feel the moz. hey, he seems happy with his alleged solitude and celibacy. ugh! fuck it all!

ok, how weird. i was just about to rant again here when i get instant messaged by this dude. we apparently chatted a while ago and he was browsing profiles today when he saw and recognized mine. so he messages me and we start talking. his name is john and hes an architect who likes jeeps. ok, so its not rocket science, but its his thing. he claims its not an obsession...we'll see. i mean, i sit here and rant about my fucked up life as a hobby of sorts so who am i to mock, eh?! but he seems nice and is fairly funny, although his spelling is atroshus...lol! but if hes an architect one can safely assume (i hope) that hes edumacated to some degree. hes 30 years old, 5'10,'' and 155 lbs. his pic is cute. hes standing in a cathedral. he's also into photography which is cool. so anyways, the digits were given and a possible meet and greet was scheduled...for tonight! ugh! im gonna be in his neighborhood cause im going down to lenox to drool in the apple store and buy some unnecessary ipod accessories. join the digital revolution! so we may meet. hes actually coming up here to get jeep parts at a place off buford hwy just around the corner from my house, but its ass-y here and smells like ass and i dont wanna clean. plus, i dont know how i feel about him coming over so soon. i dont know him. its not really a safety thing, i do have a gun and am trained to use it, its just that i think neutral is better first. you can tell a lot by a person's pad...what does mine say about me? hmmmm...LAZY!!! so anyways, i think i have a date or something. how bizzare! im sure he'll have some malfunction! its me afterall, he must have some malfunction! lol! ugh, the fucking mexican painters are outside my window! i should probably go put some clothes on or something! i should probably prepare for my upcoming date or whatever. ugh! i hope i have something clean! why worry? im a drrrrty grrrrrl! lol!

ugh. court today. sucks. and im actually in the mood to go out and do stuff too. ive been thinking of going down to lenox mall after court to get an adapter for my ipod (i wanna listen to it in my patrol car at work!) and to browse tower records for belle and sebastian cds. ive also been thinking of getting some dvds of my favorite movies (reservoir dogs, the big lebowsky, etc). yes, its clear im bored. i have books i could read but for some reason they havent sucked me in. im not sure what thats about. ugh. one good thing about having to go to court today is that i can stop off at chick fil a and get free lunch! being a cop does have its perks every once in a while. and i could go over to best buy in uniform and get discounts too but i doubt they have belle and sebastian cds. yes, i am a moocher. hey, they dont pay us enough...its only fair! i also need to take the furry bastards to the meow meow doctor downtown. that is not gonna be fun! they want me to bring a poo sample for both...um, no...im not gonna stake out the poo box to make sure i get the right poo from the right meow meow. theyre just gonna have to use the poo stick. and getting the two fat bastards into one tiny meow meow carrier will surely be fun! i really dont wanna make two trips or buy another meow meow carrier so im gonna try the one box approach. shoving cats into carriers is a herculean task! damn them and their annual shots! damn life! dammit!

ugh. what a fucking shitty day. its november, fucking november, and its like 80 outside. what the fuck is up with that? can it get slightly cold please? and, of course, on my day off, i have to go to court. people and their fucking car accidents. go fuck yourself. accept responsibility and pay the fucking ticket you fucking cock sucker motherfucker. ugh.

ok, so i was reading rolling stone last night at my new part-time job at Little Farm #2 owned by these goofy indian dudes when i saw Belle and Sebastian mentioned again. seems they are quite popular in other places. obviously atlantans have shitty taste in music. the funny thing is, even though i have been downloading Belle and Sebastian like a maniac, i am actually thinking of buying their cds. for some reason there is something nice to be said about owning them and actually having them to touch and look at and stuff. the phenomenon may be like the one where people prefer paper books to digital ones. i will never get into digital books, ever...sorry. funny how that works, although i think most kids now who have grown up with predominantly digital music may not have that same need for tangible-ness. ah, kids nowadays!

so, yes, little farm #2, a job i got from scotty who can no longer work all the shifts because of his new schedule. it was fairly cool i guess. i got to sit and watch tv and read magazines for 4.5 hours and $105 smackers. and i even got free food. one of the brown dudes' wives cooked noodles. they were yummy! so i shall be a frequent little farm #2 worker from now on. doesnt that suck, i will now be working almost every friday night and usually every saturday night. wow, i have no social potential at all! believe me, the clientele of the establishments i guard arent exactly the greatest! but i got two furry bitchy mouths to feed! mraow! mraow! wheres my kibble, bitch?! mraow!

so, yeah, who calls little farm #2 last night to talk to me? hmmmm...could it be...scotty?! yep. he was at home doing his annual halloween "spook house." like i have said before, hes a bit eccentric. but i have to say that he totally made my night. ive been having the worst time at work without him and he really brightened my day. we gossipped a bit and i teased him about the spook house some. hes going to make me up a halloween bag of his leftover candy! hes so sweet! he also mentioned movie night again. geez, he must really be motivated and excited about it. this is such a change of pace...a motivated guy! a guy who schedules! a guy who is dependable! who knew they existed. oh funny thing, i was reading esquire last night (yes, its a guy mag but its so much cooler then vogue, etc!) and they had an article on hair loss and why covering it and using other such tactics suck. i, of course, thought of scotty. jesus, is toupee use a "break it?" are "break its" negotiable?

speaking of toupees, i of course have thought about (as many women have with various men) what it would be like to make out with scotty. one of my makeout moves is the hair caress move. nothing fancy, nothing new, its a classic move. so ive wondered about doing that. i dont think i could do that. i mean, what if he like jerked away? im sure hes sensitive about the whole toupee thing. shit, until recently, and even still some now, i never liked people touching my face. i would dodge people's hands or whatevers like a prize fighter it bothered me that much. i just dont think i could do it. and ive wondered about other women. do they know his hair is fake? or do they realize it later? and what of the revelation? here's a sex and the city question for ya- can a man with a toupee be loved? and why the fuck is it such a huge deal with me anyways? i mean, shit, i dont have eyebrows! not like real furry regular people eyebrows at least and people have liked me anyways. i think maybe its more a weird thing because its a weird thing for scotty. its like sometimes things can become weird because a person is weird about them and otherwise youd never have been weird about it at all. and how does it come up in conversation down the road? its like you have to wait for him to acknowledge his toupee use before it can be discussed. its just funny to think about people's hangups and stuff. i think once i figure how to get around any possible hair-related awkwardness that things will be fine. and really, we need to figure out how to get around that dealing with each other not at work awkwardness thing first.

this whole thing goes back to THE question- could you love a man with no legs! see, these types of questions come up all the time! they arent just bizarre things to talk about. shit, could you love a man with a toupee? fuck, i loved a middle-aged, bald, pudgy, womanizer with erectile problems for fuck's sake! a little hair faux paux shouldnt throw me for such a loop. well, and theres the self-tanner over-use, but thats more easily dealt with i think. shouldnt it be the fact that we have things in common and that he makes me smile when he's around and i miss him when he's gone, etc, etc thats important?! of course, none of this confusion can be figured out until movie night. alas, i have another week and few days, long busy tired week and few days before that occurs. and yes, i have no life whatsoever that i have to talk obsessively about scotty and toupees and other such poo. ugh! that of course is because im tired, busy, and the other boy in my life, peripherally really, jason, hasnt emailed or called. well, and also because nothing all that exciting or noteworthy has occurred recently to get me to pour my energy into talking about it. a girl's got to prioritize! i mean, i could bitch and moan about the fucker slugs i work with and how they drive me to want to get a rifle and climb a bell tower somewhere, but how much fun would that really be? i deal with it for 9 hours a day for 6 days in a row at work, i dont need to bring it home with me too. so anyways, speaking of work, my publix part-time awaits. ugh, i dread saturdays, and more so, i dread sunday mornings when i have to wake up having gotten 3 hours of sleep. ugh! im a cat, i need to sleep all day and snack and be petted and stuff. i need my own personal sigfried and roy! mraow! yawn!