lol, see this is why i love daniel so much! view his post to fully understand. you totally got that one right buddy! and yes, shame on mike! we're made for each other but hes such a tool he doesnt even realize it! alas, its his fucking loss. theres other tools in the toolbox.
and dammit, didnt ya'll know i was going to market my own set of metal sporks?! crate and barrel here i come! the rich wont know theyre useless! wow, read that one again...how funny and right on target that one is! lol!
and yes kt i added your protest thingy. i saw the ad and loved it! and i totally agree that to censor anything like that or even peta material is wrong and evil and dubya...then again we are talking about cbs here who also censored the reagan movie thing which didnt paint the reagans in the greatest light. heaven forbid we have opposing viewpoints or that we encourage discussion of the past! oh heavens no! this is all a part of the vast republican dubya-spearheaded conspiracy to brainwash the uneducated and unwashed trailer living masses to become more republican automatons who live by being told what to do and believe. this conspiracy of course also includes the filthily rich (ever wonder why its called filthy rich? because people should feel DIRTY having that much money and blowing it on shit instead of feeding starving kids and homeless grandmas!!!) who merely want to make sure their money stays with them instead of contributing like the middle class does to social programs and other generally socially helpful things. ooops, my socialist streak is showing... i need to find a kerry banner to put on the site for my own little political flag waving...
go me!...i got a cool kerry logo on there for all to enjoy. and if you wanna download some t-shirt iron on thingies just click on it and viola! i liked the "dated dean, married kerry" one they had on there...how funny! go kerry, go kerry, get your groove on...
30 January 2004
29 January 2004
Some people keep telling me that computers and technology will make my life easier. While this may be the case in some instances, I will agree with the author of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, who said that technology is not the problem nor is it the solution. Technology is a tool that, when we know how to use it and maintain the appropriate attitude towards it, could enhance certain part of our lives. Just my thought for the moment.
I walked half a mile to work today in -30 degree weather (and yes, that includes windchill). I'm getting a kind of masochistic/testosterone-driven pride out of that fact. Of course, it's easier to be gloaty once you can feel your legs again.
Sporks are plastic. Plastic doesn't rust.
I think I will be running for office someday on a platform of sex and chocolate. Sex, like technology, is not the solution or even a solution. The premise of the platform will be a revisitation of the pleasure principle: if one can figure out how to be happy, while still be responsible and not hurting anyone or anything with your actions, the world will eventually benefit from your choices. I don't have Kerry's ultra-carvable in a Mt. Rushmore kind of way face, but I think it could work. Have to go pull out that seminar paper on "The Architecture of Free Love". Oh, and I do mean architecture as in buildings, not as in social structure.
I walked half a mile to work today in -30 degree weather (and yes, that includes windchill). I'm getting a kind of masochistic/testosterone-driven pride out of that fact. Of course, it's easier to be gloaty once you can feel your legs again.
Sporks are plastic. Plastic doesn't rust.
I think I will be running for office someday on a platform of sex and chocolate. Sex, like technology, is not the solution or even a solution. The premise of the platform will be a revisitation of the pleasure principle: if one can figure out how to be happy, while still be responsible and not hurting anyone or anything with your actions, the world will eventually benefit from your choices. I don't have Kerry's ultra-carvable in a Mt. Rushmore kind of way face, but I think it could work. Have to go pull out that seminar paper on "The Architecture of Free Love". Oh, and I do mean architecture as in buildings, not as in social structure.
28 January 2004
ugh!!! motherfuck me with a fucking rusty spork! i accidently hit something on the keyboard and my magnificent post just disappeared! motherfucker!
ok, heres the brief cliff notes recap-
1) bingo sucked
2) mike said, "i think i gave you the wrong impression, please dont be mad at me..."
3) we're getting over the weirdness...slowly
4) hopefully we'll still hash
5) ive gotten several eharmony "matches"...we'll see how it goes...
6) being busy is cool...i like feeling like im acquiring cool afterwork things to do...
7) although, im tired...
8) kerry rocks...election years rock...real political change, however, is slooooow
9) i'm going to implement a nefarious plan to start my ideal socialist society via a bond villain-esque plot to hijack the world's energy reserves or something equally as cool...
10) im gonna get a soda, pee, and then head to bed where i will hopefully sleep the sleep of the dead...
ok, heres the brief cliff notes recap-
1) bingo sucked
2) mike said, "i think i gave you the wrong impression, please dont be mad at me..."
3) we're getting over the weirdness...slowly
4) hopefully we'll still hash
5) ive gotten several eharmony "matches"...we'll see how it goes...
6) being busy is cool...i like feeling like im acquiring cool afterwork things to do...
7) although, im tired...
8) kerry rocks...election years rock...real political change, however, is slooooow
9) i'm going to implement a nefarious plan to start my ideal socialist society via a bond villain-esque plot to hijack the world's energy reserves or something equally as cool...
10) im gonna get a soda, pee, and then head to bed where i will hopefully sleep the sleep of the dead...
ARGH. It has been a week. And actually, it’s only been 3 days. Ugh.
This week at work, I have been doing a combination of two things: preparing for a big quarterly meeting, to be held on Friday, and working on end-of-the-year reports for our federal funding. The former is the job I was hired to do. The latter is an additional responsibility that involves digging through disorganized files trying to sort out 2 years worth of mess related to money, which I hate dealing with, and which comes with very little compensation for the extra workload. I have to say that I enjoyed my job more before this addition to my schedule. It is supposed to be only temporary, but I don’t know what the plan is to fix the HR problem.
Also, politics have again become a focus of my time and energy. Our caucus is one of the Super Tuesday ones next week, so I’ve been trying to pay attention and be a good informed citizen. I don’t like or fully believe in any of them. Even if I like what one of them has to say on paper (or on his website), when they debate, it’s just platform stumping. None of them can answer a question – they all give policy speeches instead. I still like the idealism of Kucinich. I realize that he’s been called a tree-hugger, but then, so have I, by the other correspondent on this board. I care more about my environment than I do about getting the cheapest product. I try to be an informed consumer and wield what little power I have that way. So I will try to do the same with my political power. But the whole thing tends to get me down. Politics comes to play in my work life far too often, where my office compromises on what is right in regards to the cultural resources we have in this state because otherwise we might lose the political support which may keep us financially afloat in the next legislative session. How is that for messed up? I do like this site, though: http://news.mpr.org/features/2004/01/01_newsroom_selectapres/ . You take a little quiz on your views, and they tell you how you match up with the candidates’ views on issues. Good stuff.
On other fronts, I don’t know. I’m again on the up and down roller coaster of being in love. Yep, said in a public forum, I am in love. Alright, I admit is isn’t a public forum. Susan isn’t “public” for me, and the only person who seems to regularly read is Daniel, seer of Jimmy Hoffa. I don’t think that I ever reported on the lingerie experience, as I was asked to. It was good. I think the power of good lingerie is twofold. One, you find something in which you are comfortable because it displays your body in a light you can appreciate, even if you feel a little silly. That in and of itself is empowering – to feel sexy. Two, the response you get should be favorable, which reflects back your own feelings of sexiness, becoming doubly or more so empowering. Part of this may be buying into the male-dominated world view, which posits the female body as a passive object to be gazed upon and acted upon. But as I am a fully-engaged participant in my sexual being and in my sex life, I use that gaze to my advantage. I display myself to gain a reaction, and I can, to some degree, control that reaction and use it. It’s like using my body as a canvas, I guess. It isn’t on display for everyone, but the one I choose to share it with. And with as little cleavage as I have, the push-up bra makes me more aware of my breasts and him more aware of them, and I liked that feeling, dominant paradigm or no.
Okay, one more letter to write and then I can go and brave the icy snow and frozen tundra of my town. Brrrrr.
This week at work, I have been doing a combination of two things: preparing for a big quarterly meeting, to be held on Friday, and working on end-of-the-year reports for our federal funding. The former is the job I was hired to do. The latter is an additional responsibility that involves digging through disorganized files trying to sort out 2 years worth of mess related to money, which I hate dealing with, and which comes with very little compensation for the extra workload. I have to say that I enjoyed my job more before this addition to my schedule. It is supposed to be only temporary, but I don’t know what the plan is to fix the HR problem.
Also, politics have again become a focus of my time and energy. Our caucus is one of the Super Tuesday ones next week, so I’ve been trying to pay attention and be a good informed citizen. I don’t like or fully believe in any of them. Even if I like what one of them has to say on paper (or on his website), when they debate, it’s just platform stumping. None of them can answer a question – they all give policy speeches instead. I still like the idealism of Kucinich. I realize that he’s been called a tree-hugger, but then, so have I, by the other correspondent on this board. I care more about my environment than I do about getting the cheapest product. I try to be an informed consumer and wield what little power I have that way. So I will try to do the same with my political power. But the whole thing tends to get me down. Politics comes to play in my work life far too often, where my office compromises on what is right in regards to the cultural resources we have in this state because otherwise we might lose the political support which may keep us financially afloat in the next legislative session. How is that for messed up? I do like this site, though: http://news.mpr.org/features/2004/01/01_newsroom_selectapres/ . You take a little quiz on your views, and they tell you how you match up with the candidates’ views on issues. Good stuff.
On other fronts, I don’t know. I’m again on the up and down roller coaster of being in love. Yep, said in a public forum, I am in love. Alright, I admit is isn’t a public forum. Susan isn’t “public” for me, and the only person who seems to regularly read is Daniel, seer of Jimmy Hoffa. I don’t think that I ever reported on the lingerie experience, as I was asked to. It was good. I think the power of good lingerie is twofold. One, you find something in which you are comfortable because it displays your body in a light you can appreciate, even if you feel a little silly. That in and of itself is empowering – to feel sexy. Two, the response you get should be favorable, which reflects back your own feelings of sexiness, becoming doubly or more so empowering. Part of this may be buying into the male-dominated world view, which posits the female body as a passive object to be gazed upon and acted upon. But as I am a fully-engaged participant in my sexual being and in my sex life, I use that gaze to my advantage. I display myself to gain a reaction, and I can, to some degree, control that reaction and use it. It’s like using my body as a canvas, I guess. It isn’t on display for everyone, but the one I choose to share it with. And with as little cleavage as I have, the push-up bra makes me more aware of my breasts and him more aware of them, and I liked that feeling, dominant paradigm or no.
Okay, one more letter to write and then I can go and brave the icy snow and frozen tundra of my town. Brrrrr.
24 January 2004
aight, i have to say that this day has been one of the best days in a while. its still a little chilly, but not too much and its really blue and sunny, but not too sunny, and its just nice out. and im in a good mood! ive done a roadtest of the planned outing outfit and im digging it. if its colder i may need to modify or bring a jacket of some sort. i also am performing a roadtest of a new eyebrow drawing method. what i was using before was too dark and i just wasnt happy with it. what im using now is much softer and closer to my hair color. im pleased. and ive done all of my grooming things for tomorrow. ive exfoliated and bleached and clippered all the appropriate areas. im ready to rock and roll. i just need to do some laundry tomorrow and i should be rockin baby! and who says planning is overrated? so i went to the stone mountain website to reconnoiter some and i think its a go. all of the goofy shit is closed for the winter so its pretty much just the trails and the skylift thingy. theres a couple different trails you can pick and theres even a naturey area thingy to see. stone mountain is much more of an adventure type thing which i think is a good idea. plus, if we wanna shoot pool after we can still do that. shit, how long can you spend at stone mountain anyways?! probably longer than i could imagine...! and oddly enough i got a phone message from that school im taking the writing class at. turns out that the start of the class has been moved back a week so if mikes still interested i may be able to go with him to bar bingo on monday. mmmmm, kismet? does jesus not hate me as much now?! lol! shit, just look at john kerry (whose initials are JFK btw!)...he won in that one state, iowa?, and is leading in that other one, new hampshire?, with the thingies... and i thought his chances were ovah! perhaps the stars are in alignment! jesus loves me this i know, because my good luck tells me so! oh yeah! thanks jesus! keep praying for me up on the cross there buddy, youre doing a fabulous job, really top notch, i mean it!
22 January 2004
ugh! why cant guys be more transparent...theyre so cagey it kills me. so id like opinions on this whole mikey thing. we were talking today...spent all day together as usual...and he continues to make these future plans comments. we were talking about what we might do sunday and he suggested going to stone mountain. ok, isnt that like a date type place? im having kt and her man flashbacks here! lol! anyways, i said id think about it but that i wasnt much of an outdoorsy gal. he said, and i quote, "we'll change that..." hmmm, ok... we were also talking about working out. he came up with another challenge for me and him. right now we're kicking each others asses in our ticket writing competition and now he suggested doing a physical fitness competition. every year we can elect to do this physical fitness test to try and get either one or two days off from the dept. its supposed to encourage people to stay in shape...most people dont remember we have this option. anyways, so mikey suggested we compete and see who can be in the higher percentile in their group. the winner is supposed to buy dinner. it originally was $100 but i know better than to risk $100 on my shitty running abilities! so anyways, i semi-agreed and we're gonna set a date later for the competition. funny side note, his group, the 40+ group (hes 40 in march), has very similar times and number of reps and stuff as my 20+ group! so more or less we're matched well. anyways, we then talked about running and apparently he loves it. and he apparently works out...it soooo shows! anyways, i told him i hated doing it because just running around and not running to anywhere didnt make sense. i then told him about hashing...hashing is basically like a fox hunt but with a person called the 'rabbit.' the rabbit gets a head start and runs through woods or whatever and the pack has to follow the rabbit's trail. basically its running after someone through the woods...which actually sounds like a shitload of fun. anyways, he said hed be interested in doing it with me...another future plan comment. and he also made a comment about how he couldnt believe i had class on bar bingo night, monday. but, and i do mean but, he isnt incredibly obvious about anything. now maybe its cause we're at work and in uniform. its funny, ive noticed that when we're around people together like in the rollcall room before and after work he sits away from me and we dont do our goofy teasing thing and its a total playing it cool thing. i assume its because he doesnt want to advertise anything to prying and gossiping eyes and ears...which is fine. its just funny that i noticed that. but yeah, its all confusing. i mean, i assume hes figured out i like him, if not hes a moron, and if he was uncomfortable with it i figure he wouldnt spend all this time with me. we literally were like siamese twins today...and we came up with a new tandem ticket writing system where we basically write tickets together when he does truck inspections...basically we figure that if we team up and write warning tix on all truck violations (which usually average like 12 violations a truck) then together we can end up writing close to 100 tix on a really slow day if we really rock n roll. ugh, can you see how im confused! i mean really, it basically comes down to how sunday and any future outings go...ugh!
the thing is that i really do have my hopes up and i will be really disappointed if things dont go the way id like. i mean, shit, ill get over it if it doesnt, but i really feel good about this. and yeah, i know, its a potential dating at work thing...but shit, we're reasonable people...professionals...and frankly neither one of us has any desire to advertise our personal lives or personal relationship problems at work...so as long as we have an understanding that work is work and outta work is outta work, why cant things work out? frankly, if we do start dating, as long as there isnt an honesty issue leading to a breakup, i can deal...no cheating or lying or something like that thats a betrayal of trust. shit, if it just isnt meant to work thats one thing. and shit, me and scotty have gotten through this whole he likes me thing and we're ok...its so a non-issue because we've made it a non-issue...it just is and thats cool. people get over shit and i get over shit too after a few weeks of separation and being on my own. the love sickness fades eventually. shit, im over greg the felon. ugh, i hate this. i wish people had visible thought bubbles over their heads!
its just cool as shit that we're matched so well. shit, hes more competitive than i am! is that possible?! i told him today that we're gonna end up killing each other! i just never thought id find someone so complimentary who challenges me and makes me wanna be better. he inspires and drives me and makes me calm and happy...and hes genuine and real and just mikey...no games. and hes a boy?! i didnt think it was possible! so, needless to say, work has been amazing the last week. ugh!
so, i need real, honest opinions here...objective perspectives...he he that rhymes... whats your reaction to all of this stuff? and should i go for the stone mountain hike or shooting pool or some unnamed third option? i already suggested we go to a dive bar, get trashed, and start a fight with bikers where i get to break a bottle and fight guys with the broken end...that idea was shot down so nix that off your list of potential suggestions, ok?! yes, i really suggested that...jokingly of course...i am crazy arent i?! ugh, so yeah, thats it so far. total utter confusion! i should get kts mom, jane, to pray for me. damn, you know i really want this if im asking for divine intervention! lol! ok god, ill believe in you and you can even throw in the whole jesus thing if you help me out here, ok?! lol! just kidding...or am i? lol! or perhaps an animal sacrifice! yes, thats it! i need to pull out some voodoo or santeria action here! yeah...! anyways, pray, keep your fingers crossed, or do whatever you do to help friends out...i really need the help!
the thing is that i really do have my hopes up and i will be really disappointed if things dont go the way id like. i mean, shit, ill get over it if it doesnt, but i really feel good about this. and yeah, i know, its a potential dating at work thing...but shit, we're reasonable people...professionals...and frankly neither one of us has any desire to advertise our personal lives or personal relationship problems at work...so as long as we have an understanding that work is work and outta work is outta work, why cant things work out? frankly, if we do start dating, as long as there isnt an honesty issue leading to a breakup, i can deal...no cheating or lying or something like that thats a betrayal of trust. shit, if it just isnt meant to work thats one thing. and shit, me and scotty have gotten through this whole he likes me thing and we're ok...its so a non-issue because we've made it a non-issue...it just is and thats cool. people get over shit and i get over shit too after a few weeks of separation and being on my own. the love sickness fades eventually. shit, im over greg the felon. ugh, i hate this. i wish people had visible thought bubbles over their heads!
its just cool as shit that we're matched so well. shit, hes more competitive than i am! is that possible?! i told him today that we're gonna end up killing each other! i just never thought id find someone so complimentary who challenges me and makes me wanna be better. he inspires and drives me and makes me calm and happy...and hes genuine and real and just mikey...no games. and hes a boy?! i didnt think it was possible! so, needless to say, work has been amazing the last week. ugh!
so, i need real, honest opinions here...objective perspectives...he he that rhymes... whats your reaction to all of this stuff? and should i go for the stone mountain hike or shooting pool or some unnamed third option? i already suggested we go to a dive bar, get trashed, and start a fight with bikers where i get to break a bottle and fight guys with the broken end...that idea was shot down so nix that off your list of potential suggestions, ok?! yes, i really suggested that...jokingly of course...i am crazy arent i?! ugh, so yeah, thats it so far. total utter confusion! i should get kts mom, jane, to pray for me. damn, you know i really want this if im asking for divine intervention! lol! ok god, ill believe in you and you can even throw in the whole jesus thing if you help me out here, ok?! lol! just kidding...or am i? lol! or perhaps an animal sacrifice! yes, thats it! i need to pull out some voodoo or santeria action here! yeah...! anyways, pray, keep your fingers crossed, or do whatever you do to help friends out...i really need the help!
20 January 2004
aight, info updates on grap or mikey as i shall call him. he was in the marines for 6 years. hooyaaa! well, actualy he was sent there by a judge. seems little mikey was a bad boy when he was younger. mmmm how sexy! bad boy turned good! lol! then after marines he got into running video game parlour places. yes, the places with skeeball and shit. he apparently made an ass load of money as he has several nice cars. he left the bling behind when he decided to become a cop. see something in common, leaving a lucrative career for something you were more interested in... an odd thing, he likes to go to tanning beds. at least its not tan from a bottle. he says he likes it because its relaxing and he falls asleep when doing it. he has two little boys...well one just turned 16 and the other is 9 or 11 or something. i actually met zach, the youngest, the other night when mikey brought him over to my part-time job. he is soooo cute! hes got mikeys blue eyes and goofy hair. sexy must be genetic! lol! mikeys 39 and thinks hes old...goofy boy! hes so wise for 39! hes like a placid lake, calm and collected and tons of patience, whereas im a tsunami! i cant ever get mad at him and he somehow makes me a little more calm. i love the fact that we can basically rag the shit out of each other...he actually smacks back which is sooo cool! most guys cant go no holds barred with a chick. and another thing ive noticed, hes so generous. like when he made me stay in my car when i was sick and handled my calls for me. and just today, i had to requalify with my firearm and i was talking to him on the phone about shooting and he was giving me some really good practice ideas. he also suggested we go shooting so he can help me out. ugh! would jeff the shrink say mikeys a giver? he said i needed a giver. i dont care that we work together, that bet is worth it. im standing at the high roller craps table and ive mortgaged my house and sold a kidney to get money and im laying it all down on the table. to not bet on mikey would be fucking criminal! i will happily do whatever and deal with whatever grey areas arise because hes just that nice and good and genuine. shit, it aint like i havent dealt with total relationship carnage before and it cant be worse than carter! but yes, i will not rush headlong...baby steps, being careful to avoid tripwires and all that jazz. i just have a very good feeling about him is all, something i havent had in a while. with other guys theres always been that feeling of impending doom or wariness from some potential issue...with mikey its just comfy and serene. and the more i get to know him the more i realize how much we have in common. its just very weird and funny to me. i think we'd be a good match, but who knows. i just got off the phone with him (he gives great phone! and he called me first, out of the blue...just to chat! yes!!!) and we're gonna go out and do something sunday. i need suggestions please! and he also asked me if i wanted to go to this bar bingo thingy he does sometimes on mondays but my first writing class is monday so i had to say no. ugh! i need to be pretty and susan-y and on my game sunday! im so excited i cant stand it! can you say litmus test?! lol! ugh! please god, if you exist, please have him kiss me! ugh! ive been dreaming of that moment! i think id explode all over...pieces of susan everywhere! lol! ah, its the little things that make life so sweet...the feel of lips, the touch of tongues, how amazing a kiss is...especially the first one! keep your fingers crossed for me will ya?! i need all the luck and good mojo i can get here!
17 January 2004
ugh. damn if im not frustrated. grap's ass is so choice! damn...maybe the testosterone is coming back because i wanna tap that ass! lol!
anyways, im doing that weird eharmony thing. turns out i keep getting "matches" for myself each day. why is it that most tend to be pudgy computer related people? sure, those are the people online, but arent there normal people online too? wheres the gq studs? dont they use the internet?! lol! im vowing to give each "match" a chance and go through the odd process they have on the site. you have to jump through an assload of hoops sending questions back and forth and shit and then you finally can email them and stuff. i think its meant to make you sorta get to know each others values and likes and dislikes and stuff like that first. we shall see just how matched i am with these dudes. so we answered an assload of questions similarly or something, doth that a match make? yes, i am skepitcal of the alleged quasi-scientific process allegedly at work here. but im gonna give it a go. im gonna try to look beyond the shitty pics of the people and see how it goes. there are plenty of people i might not have looked twice at if i hadnt known them. like grap, hes sorta weird and small looking, yet once i got to know him he sorta gained a sexier quality...or perhaps thats my hormones and anthropoloical need to mate. who knows. all i know is that i keep staring at his ass! damn thats a mighty fine ass! lol! so, yeah, we shall see how it all goes with this eharmony nonsense.
anyways, ive been too busy for anything else to happen recently. well, other than the fact that i keep getting headaches. must be a brain tumor. every late afternoon just about i get this horrible pain behind my eyes and in my jaw. its starting to get very very old. is that a migrane? someone just shoot me now and put me out of my misery please. ugh! or is it withdrawal? some sort of sex withdrawal? man, my mind is on the cock way too much right now. i think i liked it better when i wasnt all interested in sex. grass is greener right? speaking of cocks, i wanna hear all about kt's lingerie kamakazie move last night. should be interesting. if any men who read wanna comment about women and lingerie and their opinions of it, etc, please feel free. im curious to know how the male mind works with regards to lingerie...or doesnt as it may be! anyways, im outta here. gotta go back on the chain gang tonight and earn some phat clams to slowly dig my way out of credit card debt. im getting closer, slowly, very slowly, but surely. ugh. the things we do to ourselves!
anyways, im doing that weird eharmony thing. turns out i keep getting "matches" for myself each day. why is it that most tend to be pudgy computer related people? sure, those are the people online, but arent there normal people online too? wheres the gq studs? dont they use the internet?! lol! im vowing to give each "match" a chance and go through the odd process they have on the site. you have to jump through an assload of hoops sending questions back and forth and shit and then you finally can email them and stuff. i think its meant to make you sorta get to know each others values and likes and dislikes and stuff like that first. we shall see just how matched i am with these dudes. so we answered an assload of questions similarly or something, doth that a match make? yes, i am skepitcal of the alleged quasi-scientific process allegedly at work here. but im gonna give it a go. im gonna try to look beyond the shitty pics of the people and see how it goes. there are plenty of people i might not have looked twice at if i hadnt known them. like grap, hes sorta weird and small looking, yet once i got to know him he sorta gained a sexier quality...or perhaps thats my hormones and anthropoloical need to mate. who knows. all i know is that i keep staring at his ass! damn thats a mighty fine ass! lol! so, yeah, we shall see how it all goes with this eharmony nonsense.
anyways, ive been too busy for anything else to happen recently. well, other than the fact that i keep getting headaches. must be a brain tumor. every late afternoon just about i get this horrible pain behind my eyes and in my jaw. its starting to get very very old. is that a migrane? someone just shoot me now and put me out of my misery please. ugh! or is it withdrawal? some sort of sex withdrawal? man, my mind is on the cock way too much right now. i think i liked it better when i wasnt all interested in sex. grass is greener right? speaking of cocks, i wanna hear all about kt's lingerie kamakazie move last night. should be interesting. if any men who read wanna comment about women and lingerie and their opinions of it, etc, please feel free. im curious to know how the male mind works with regards to lingerie...or doesnt as it may be! anyways, im outta here. gotta go back on the chain gang tonight and earn some phat clams to slowly dig my way out of credit card debt. im getting closer, slowly, very slowly, but surely. ugh. the things we do to ourselves!
16 January 2004
Oh, and daniel, our erstwhile reader? Jimmy Hoffa is so many places at once, like god. I personally think he's in a building that had a cold storage basement in Minot, North Dakota, when the railroad was still the main form of transportation. It's now a copy shop.
It's pretty cool that he's mafia-interested, as your cats have vaguely true crime linked names...
It's pretty cool that he's mafia-interested, as your cats have vaguely true crime linked names...
I feel like such a working stiff, but can I say how much I’m looking forward to a three-day weekend? Ugh. I’m so fucking burnt out!
There’s a woman I work with – okay, don’t so much work with, as she’s never here and doesn’t work, but you get what I mean. Anyway, she has a job that involves our financial appropriation from the feds, and as far as I can tell from her files, we’re like two years behind. Anyway, she’s always out sick. I don’t think she’s ever been at work for two entire consecutive weeks since I’ve been here. She was out for like 6 weeks, and then spent her first day back making plans with a friend for a long weekend! And now she’s got a serious heart problem, had a heart attack or something, and hasn’t been in two consecutive days in 3 months. Fine, I understand health issues (sort of) but her files are in such disarray that none of the rest of us can do her job without tearing our hair out for stress. And I’ve been assigned to the case, which is flattering, as my boss thinks I can handle it, and it sucks. I HATE her job. I understand now why I changed my major from economics to art history (with a few other choices in between. I don’t enjoy dealing with money!
So I’ve been dealing with her bullshit job, working on my own deadlines all week (big meeting in two weeks, all the deadlines are this week), and trying to figure out why I was dumb enough to join a social committee organizing the holiday event here at work. Yes, I know the holidays are over, but everyone’s busy during and that’s why the event is held after the holidays. Made sense to someone. But I’ve been on this dumb committee, where the chair keeps making all the decisions herself and I wonder what the meetings are for. Ugh. Regardless, I have new fancy underwear I will be wearing under my dress tonight, and I plan on having a damn good time with the s.o. Leopard print push-up bra (believe me, I need it), garter belt, and lacy black underwear.... Hey, I’m going on the premise of fun. I’ve not done this “Surprise! Lingerie!” thing before. We’ll see how it goes. Reports later.
The only useful euphemism for masturbation is “rearranging your sock drawer” which comes out of a night that ended with me, susan, and an art student dancing around a statue of the founder of the city of Athens with bottles of Orangina. And at least susan and I had not been drinking; I don’t testify for the art student. Oh, and I don’t think it makes any sense, so don’t even try. I personally go through phases of desire – I really, really want to, or eh, whatever. Depends on mood, stress, and a billion other things. This applies to sex for one as well as partner-oriented experiences. But that’s just me. I like the testosterone theory, but I didn’t realize that exercise could suppress it. I was under the impression that exercise was good because it increased the blood flow – everywhere....
There’s a woman I work with – okay, don’t so much work with, as she’s never here and doesn’t work, but you get what I mean. Anyway, she has a job that involves our financial appropriation from the feds, and as far as I can tell from her files, we’re like two years behind. Anyway, she’s always out sick. I don’t think she’s ever been at work for two entire consecutive weeks since I’ve been here. She was out for like 6 weeks, and then spent her first day back making plans with a friend for a long weekend! And now she’s got a serious heart problem, had a heart attack or something, and hasn’t been in two consecutive days in 3 months. Fine, I understand health issues (sort of) but her files are in such disarray that none of the rest of us can do her job without tearing our hair out for stress. And I’ve been assigned to the case, which is flattering, as my boss thinks I can handle it, and it sucks. I HATE her job. I understand now why I changed my major from economics to art history (with a few other choices in between. I don’t enjoy dealing with money!
So I’ve been dealing with her bullshit job, working on my own deadlines all week (big meeting in two weeks, all the deadlines are this week), and trying to figure out why I was dumb enough to join a social committee organizing the holiday event here at work. Yes, I know the holidays are over, but everyone’s busy during and that’s why the event is held after the holidays. Made sense to someone. But I’ve been on this dumb committee, where the chair keeps making all the decisions herself and I wonder what the meetings are for. Ugh. Regardless, I have new fancy underwear I will be wearing under my dress tonight, and I plan on having a damn good time with the s.o. Leopard print push-up bra (believe me, I need it), garter belt, and lacy black underwear.... Hey, I’m going on the premise of fun. I’ve not done this “Surprise! Lingerie!” thing before. We’ll see how it goes. Reports later.
The only useful euphemism for masturbation is “rearranging your sock drawer” which comes out of a night that ended with me, susan, and an art student dancing around a statue of the founder of the city of Athens with bottles of Orangina. And at least susan and I had not been drinking; I don’t testify for the art student. Oh, and I don’t think it makes any sense, so don’t even try. I personally go through phases of desire – I really, really want to, or eh, whatever. Depends on mood, stress, and a billion other things. This applies to sex for one as well as partner-oriented experiences. But that’s just me. I like the testosterone theory, but I didn’t realize that exercise could suppress it. I was under the impression that exercise was good because it increased the blood flow – everywhere....
15 January 2004
well, it was a shitty day at crunch (no judgements! lol). i just feel so tired and drained. i hate being 26! what will my 50s be like? euthanasia city baby. so anyways, i learned a few new things out about jeff. hes a huge dave mathews fan and he likes to read true crime novels. he has a fascination with the mafia and organized crime. how bizzarre! i would never have guessed that in a million years. he doesnt seem the type! then again, what is the type whos into true crime and dave mathews?! lol! so, for next session, i need to formulate some more questions to glean more info. any suggestions?
my next session is right after i requalify with my duty weapon at work. shooting is always a huge deal with me because i always seem to struggle. its really getting old at this point. i really dont want to be taken off the street and put on light duty again. once was enough of an embarassment for me thanks. plus, id really like to keep my job. if i fail after remedial than im fired. it would never happen that id fail after remedial but i still dont like the thought. id really like to pass the first time. im not sure ive ever done that. ugh, i need to unload my gun and practice some. damn, i hate requalifications. i have to go through this 4 times a year. and damn if im not gonna have to shoot when i go into the fbi. i hate it when theres things i cant pick up well. i feel like i shouldnt be having issues and its frustrating to me. i usually do most things well. and i like shooting which means i should be able to do it well. theres just something i havent grokked yet it feels like. im not sure when things will finally click with me. i mean, i can fucking snipe the target at 25 yards and tightly group the shots, why do i struggle with everything else?! ugh! needless to say this next weeks gonna kick my ass. i work three part-times within four days, shoot, have court, have my two sessions with jeff, and have to go get my pic taken at hq for this gay ass yearbook thingy theyre putting together. its mandatory, the pic, so if i dont go ill probably get written up. plus, my death pic looks like ass and needs to be replaced anyways. it was taken when my hair was like an inch long. the only thing is that we're required to wear a certain uniform, the one with the gay ass tie. i look like an asshole in that uniform. then again i think i look like an asshole in my regular uniform. i look cute in my utility uniform though at least, thats a comfort! lol! so yep, january is a busy month and im gonna struggle to keep my head above water. i need to take time off but frickin every day i think has been taken already. fucking assholes. im sure the time will just fucking fly like it usually does. before i know it it will be february and valentines day...ugh! i hate dealing with that. fucking hallmark holiday. oh the angst, the angst, it burns!
damn i wish my chinese takeout would get here...
my next session is right after i requalify with my duty weapon at work. shooting is always a huge deal with me because i always seem to struggle. its really getting old at this point. i really dont want to be taken off the street and put on light duty again. once was enough of an embarassment for me thanks. plus, id really like to keep my job. if i fail after remedial than im fired. it would never happen that id fail after remedial but i still dont like the thought. id really like to pass the first time. im not sure ive ever done that. ugh, i need to unload my gun and practice some. damn, i hate requalifications. i have to go through this 4 times a year. and damn if im not gonna have to shoot when i go into the fbi. i hate it when theres things i cant pick up well. i feel like i shouldnt be having issues and its frustrating to me. i usually do most things well. and i like shooting which means i should be able to do it well. theres just something i havent grokked yet it feels like. im not sure when things will finally click with me. i mean, i can fucking snipe the target at 25 yards and tightly group the shots, why do i struggle with everything else?! ugh! needless to say this next weeks gonna kick my ass. i work three part-times within four days, shoot, have court, have my two sessions with jeff, and have to go get my pic taken at hq for this gay ass yearbook thingy theyre putting together. its mandatory, the pic, so if i dont go ill probably get written up. plus, my death pic looks like ass and needs to be replaced anyways. it was taken when my hair was like an inch long. the only thing is that we're required to wear a certain uniform, the one with the gay ass tie. i look like an asshole in that uniform. then again i think i look like an asshole in my regular uniform. i look cute in my utility uniform though at least, thats a comfort! lol! so yep, january is a busy month and im gonna struggle to keep my head above water. i need to take time off but frickin every day i think has been taken already. fucking assholes. im sure the time will just fucking fly like it usually does. before i know it it will be february and valentines day...ugh! i hate dealing with that. fucking hallmark holiday. oh the angst, the angst, it burns!
damn i wish my chinese takeout would get here...
13 January 2004
well, i just got a phone message from scott. i thought there was no way he'd ask me to work his part-time job next month but alas, i was wrong. huh, go fig. we shall see what hes like when i call him back or when i see him next. frankly i dont know how to feel. my initial instinct is to shun him for his "betrayal" but of course kt would say to just calm down and accept him as a friend you cant rely on. my issue with that is that if he isnt reliable hes not my Friend. im still stuck on this whole Friend issue. its like i either have Friends or i have acquaintences which are basically nothing. im having a hard time with the grey areas here. and really, i am still disappointed. i thought we were closer than that. i thought i was more important to him than that. oh well. i guess ultimately it doesnt matter either way. im sure ill get over it eventually, maybe. then again, maybe scotts just worried about the part-time job and knows ill do it. maybe the phone call is nothing other than covering his own ass. who knows.
damn, the apt people are coming over the next two days to replace air filter thingies. that means that i need to clean up some. doesnt that suck?! fucking worker people making me clean up. i couldnt have them thinking i was a slob though! ugh! it needs to be done anyways. i get some stuff done and then i have to do it again later. ugh!
well, im thinking about trying to move my relationship with my new buddy, grap (last name), to the next level. strictly friends mind you. hes a cute and funny little guy with amazing eyes, but we work together. not just the same dept or precinct but like literally work together. anything more than friends would be bad, plus ultimately i dont think wed work as a couple. its just a nervous weird thing because i dont know what hed say if i asked him if he wanted to go out and do something. it was like that with scotty when i asked him. well, i havent decided whether im gonna call him tonight and ask or tomorrow. hes got court tomorrow at 1pm so maybe ill be a pussy and leave a message on his phone. but alas i am desperate for friends to do out of work stuff with. plus we get along like gangbusters. i so know hes gonna make a smart assy comment about this. then again, thats grap for ya and why i like him so much. hes maybe an inch or two shorter than me and weighs less than me and i always make fun of him and call him a little guy and stuff like that. he just fires em right back, which i totally respect. what is it with short guys lately?! damn. but grap is one short guy i would definently do. damn, his ass looks amazing in uniform! lol! ugh!
speaking of cute shorter guys, jeff, my metrosexual trainer, has been kicking my ass lately. i hurt all the time! then again, im paying him to do this to me. he insists im making progress so i trust him. i frankly have no clue about how much weight i use or how many reps i do or anything like that. i just do until he tells me to stop. we both agree that, knowing me, its better i know nothing about whats going on! this is quite true. damn, i like it when he touches me. he does that a lot. i wonder if he touches all his clients that much. some people are just more touchy than others, true true.
damn, my brain is wandering and i just realized that i havent masturbated in ages it seems. how funny is that that i just thought of that. and despite thinking about it, im not inclined to masturbate. i wonder why that is. stress? hormonal imbalance? ennui? being lame? lol! and where does the word 'masturbate' come from anyways? what a horrible sounding word (latin= masturbari). we need a new word, a fresh word. of course i cant think of anything, but we do need a new word. i wish i was 13 again when i just jacked it all the time, like every day. masturbation was so free and careless and lacking all the adult baggage we have. man, i must have some serious sexual issues or something if i cant even masturbate, or want to. maybe i should make an appointment with jeff, the shrink jeff not the trainer. although i cant imagine myself talking to him about masturbation. whered my sex train derail?! i wish i could just be a dirrrty ho. wouldnt life be easier without that hangup?! id just fuck and run and i wouldnt need more. ah, the free life, right? i wish i wasnt so shacked by my own brain. and whered all these hangups begin? i need to figure out how to untie myself. ugh! nobody said itd be this hard to be an adult! i need to be lobotomized! thats definently the key! ill call and set up an appointment for one right away!
damn, the apt people are coming over the next two days to replace air filter thingies. that means that i need to clean up some. doesnt that suck?! fucking worker people making me clean up. i couldnt have them thinking i was a slob though! ugh! it needs to be done anyways. i get some stuff done and then i have to do it again later. ugh!
well, im thinking about trying to move my relationship with my new buddy, grap (last name), to the next level. strictly friends mind you. hes a cute and funny little guy with amazing eyes, but we work together. not just the same dept or precinct but like literally work together. anything more than friends would be bad, plus ultimately i dont think wed work as a couple. its just a nervous weird thing because i dont know what hed say if i asked him if he wanted to go out and do something. it was like that with scotty when i asked him. well, i havent decided whether im gonna call him tonight and ask or tomorrow. hes got court tomorrow at 1pm so maybe ill be a pussy and leave a message on his phone. but alas i am desperate for friends to do out of work stuff with. plus we get along like gangbusters. i so know hes gonna make a smart assy comment about this. then again, thats grap for ya and why i like him so much. hes maybe an inch or two shorter than me and weighs less than me and i always make fun of him and call him a little guy and stuff like that. he just fires em right back, which i totally respect. what is it with short guys lately?! damn. but grap is one short guy i would definently do. damn, his ass looks amazing in uniform! lol! ugh!
speaking of cute shorter guys, jeff, my metrosexual trainer, has been kicking my ass lately. i hurt all the time! then again, im paying him to do this to me. he insists im making progress so i trust him. i frankly have no clue about how much weight i use or how many reps i do or anything like that. i just do until he tells me to stop. we both agree that, knowing me, its better i know nothing about whats going on! this is quite true. damn, i like it when he touches me. he does that a lot. i wonder if he touches all his clients that much. some people are just more touchy than others, true true.
damn, my brain is wandering and i just realized that i havent masturbated in ages it seems. how funny is that that i just thought of that. and despite thinking about it, im not inclined to masturbate. i wonder why that is. stress? hormonal imbalance? ennui? being lame? lol! and where does the word 'masturbate' come from anyways? what a horrible sounding word (latin= masturbari). we need a new word, a fresh word. of course i cant think of anything, but we do need a new word. i wish i was 13 again when i just jacked it all the time, like every day. masturbation was so free and careless and lacking all the adult baggage we have. man, i must have some serious sexual issues or something if i cant even masturbate, or want to. maybe i should make an appointment with jeff, the shrink jeff not the trainer. although i cant imagine myself talking to him about masturbation. whered my sex train derail?! i wish i could just be a dirrrty ho. wouldnt life be easier without that hangup?! id just fuck and run and i wouldnt need more. ah, the free life, right? i wish i wasnt so shacked by my own brain. and whered all these hangups begin? i need to figure out how to untie myself. ugh! nobody said itd be this hard to be an adult! i need to be lobotomized! thats definently the key! ill call and set up an appointment for one right away!
09 January 2004
a'ight, so jeff mentioned the gift. he has this way of doing stuff like that like totally out of the blue so that i almost dont get what hes talking about. he said something like, "the saying on that thing was funny..." and i was like "huh" and then it clicked. he said that at first he thought it was one of the real ones and then he looked closer. he said its sitting on his desk at home. very nice, very nice.
it was a rough day at crunch today (no judgements!). i think i have an ulcer. could that be causing my issues? what does an ulcer feel like? if its burning in the tummy then i have an ulcer. is this what happens to people as they get older?! oh for fucks sake! someone shoot me now before im on old people medication and wearing blue elasticized pants! please, have mercy, pity killing, pity killing!
ugh, thats right, er on tape. lord knows i couldnt sleep and for the most part heard all of friends and that new donald trump reality show. i hope i can sleep tonight. hmmm, im thinking chinese delivery...im so sad. i bet the little yellow man makes fun of me. that sad white girl always ordering food here. she need get life! i just ordered the usual with one extra dish to get over the minimum delivery requirement...2 orders of steamed dumplings (they reheat well), an order of hot and sour soup (also reheats well) and a new dish, bbq spare ribs. we shall see how the spare ribs go. i have yet to find a solid extra get over the minimum delivery requirement dish yet...ive got my fingers crossed.
ugh, yep thats my sad little life. way too cliched i think, but then again a cliche is a cliche because its fucking true! single white female with cats ordering chinese delivery on a friday night. yep, cliche city! go me! lol! hey, it is friday, right? damn this job makes me lose track of all time...which can be good and can be bad. bad for when i forget to pay my bills, good when i turn around and realize that ive been working out for several months and when i realize ive been out on the road as a cop for a whole year...where has the time gone?! will i turn around and be 40 next? yep, time dilation is a funny thing herr einstein! anyways, i should get bathed before my kibble arrives. wouldnt want to lose track of time and end up being in the tub when the yellow man knocks on my door. that would be an interesting tip for him wouldnt it?!
it was a rough day at crunch today (no judgements!). i think i have an ulcer. could that be causing my issues? what does an ulcer feel like? if its burning in the tummy then i have an ulcer. is this what happens to people as they get older?! oh for fucks sake! someone shoot me now before im on old people medication and wearing blue elasticized pants! please, have mercy, pity killing, pity killing!
ugh, thats right, er on tape. lord knows i couldnt sleep and for the most part heard all of friends and that new donald trump reality show. i hope i can sleep tonight. hmmm, im thinking chinese delivery...im so sad. i bet the little yellow man makes fun of me. that sad white girl always ordering food here. she need get life! i just ordered the usual with one extra dish to get over the minimum delivery requirement...2 orders of steamed dumplings (they reheat well), an order of hot and sour soup (also reheats well) and a new dish, bbq spare ribs. we shall see how the spare ribs go. i have yet to find a solid extra get over the minimum delivery requirement dish yet...ive got my fingers crossed.
ugh, yep thats my sad little life. way too cliched i think, but then again a cliche is a cliche because its fucking true! single white female with cats ordering chinese delivery on a friday night. yep, cliche city! go me! lol! hey, it is friday, right? damn this job makes me lose track of all time...which can be good and can be bad. bad for when i forget to pay my bills, good when i turn around and realize that ive been working out for several months and when i realize ive been out on the road as a cop for a whole year...where has the time gone?! will i turn around and be 40 next? yep, time dilation is a funny thing herr einstein! anyways, i should get bathed before my kibble arrives. wouldnt want to lose track of time and end up being in the tub when the yellow man knocks on my door. that would be an interesting tip for him wouldnt it?!
so, i finally did something today about my sad, empty, shallow life. i went online the other night and found me some continuing edumacation classes to sign up for. well, one in particular...dont wanna totally overload my plate ya know! i just successfully signed up for "fiction and screenplays" at perimeter college in dunwoody. i get to go every monday for like 2 months or something like that. hey, its something. perhaps it will motivate me to get off my ass and write. i did actually start something the other night. im worried however because its pretty much based on me and all the people i know and actual experiences...ok, im the main character but just odder and cooler. is that too self-indulgant or lame? i mean shit, the shit that happens to me is fairly amusing and the people i know are wack, so why not write about them but conveniently change their names? write what you know, right? i dont know. i havent gotten far, like two paragraphs, but its a start. and i do have to give kt a huge round of muchas graciases for kicking me out of being a crying baby. sometimes i just need a bump to get refocused. this should be fun hopefully and it gives me something to do. maybe ill look at other classes and see if theres something else i wanna try. i feel so old taking a continuing edumacation class. anyways, i gotta motor for my session with jeff. i wonder if he'll say anything about his xmas gift. hopefully it will be positive. i hope he doesnt mention the fact that i signed the card (heart) susan. i sign all my shit to friends like that usually. plus i do like him, but really it was just being sweet. well, he should know by now that im a freak so it shouldnt matter much. anyways, i need to finish getting ready and leave. cant be late to get hard! lol! yes, im getting harder all over my body. its quite cool to sit on the edge of the bathtub while waiting for it to fill some and feeling your body being firmer and slimmer. who knew this whole working out thing worked?! lol! money well spent i do say!
Musings on the Morning
It’s Friday. I’ve spent the last two days in GIS training, learning to become a techno map geek, so it’s my first real day at work since Tuesday. I walk about half a mile to work, which I enjoy as it allows my mind to wander before getting to work and having to concentrate. We have snow and fog. Have you ever seen fog on top of snow? It’s amazing, in a bleak world sort of post-apocalyptic silence sort of way. Who knew so little color could exist?
My favorite thing about snow (and I should mention that I haven’t been in a snowy climate since I was 8 years old) is the footprints. When someone shovels their sidewalk, but we get a dusting after that, all the footprints compact the snow and freeze over night. So you have people-shoe footprint, and occasionally doggie footprints. And outside my house today, bird prints. And I know what they’re from. There’s a guy who lives somewhere nearby who owns, as a pet, a Hungarian pheasant. I forget his name right now – the bird’s, not the guy’s, which I never knew. But he walks the bird on a leash. Pheasant on a leash. How bizarre is that? It makes me smile.
The worst thing about being away from work is the amount of correspondence you get to do when you get back. 2 days, and I have 65 email messages and 7 phone messages. Woo-hoo. And it’s Friday, which means that one of my main task is getting everything somewhat organized, in some way. Even if it’s just piles. I hate the “to read” pile, a stack of things that I should look at, but bear no immediate need or relationship to projects on which I am working. I rarely get that one entirely moved. Oh well. I think I’m adjusting to what can and can’t be finished in a given amount of time. Some things just don’t get done when you would like them to!
It’s Friday. I’ve spent the last two days in GIS training, learning to become a techno map geek, so it’s my first real day at work since Tuesday. I walk about half a mile to work, which I enjoy as it allows my mind to wander before getting to work and having to concentrate. We have snow and fog. Have you ever seen fog on top of snow? It’s amazing, in a bleak world sort of post-apocalyptic silence sort of way. Who knew so little color could exist?
My favorite thing about snow (and I should mention that I haven’t been in a snowy climate since I was 8 years old) is the footprints. When someone shovels their sidewalk, but we get a dusting after that, all the footprints compact the snow and freeze over night. So you have people-shoe footprint, and occasionally doggie footprints. And outside my house today, bird prints. And I know what they’re from. There’s a guy who lives somewhere nearby who owns, as a pet, a Hungarian pheasant. I forget his name right now – the bird’s, not the guy’s, which I never knew. But he walks the bird on a leash. Pheasant on a leash. How bizarre is that? It makes me smile.
The worst thing about being away from work is the amount of correspondence you get to do when you get back. 2 days, and I have 65 email messages and 7 phone messages. Woo-hoo. And it’s Friday, which means that one of my main task is getting everything somewhat organized, in some way. Even if it’s just piles. I hate the “to read” pile, a stack of things that I should look at, but bear no immediate need or relationship to projects on which I am working. I rarely get that one entirely moved. Oh well. I think I’m adjusting to what can and can’t be finished in a given amount of time. Some things just don’t get done when you would like them to!
08 January 2004
Well, while you're saying good-bye, Things are still going remarkably well for me. Sometimes I don't bother sharing some of this because it seems mean or gloaty to talk about my new and good relationship while Susan's falls apart. But frankly, that's stupid reasoning. It isn't much good to hide half of the good stuff, just because you don't want to hurt someone's feelings. There's a thin line between being honest about good fortune and rubbing it in someone's face. So, apologies to your broken heart. I hate that it didn't work out for you, but I can see why his life wasn't particularly conducive to new love right now. And at least, when you were together, he was good to you. That's a significant start.
On the flip side of the coin, where the winters are long and you need something to keep you warm, my frozen tundra romance blazes merrily along. I discussed the phone thing with my s.o., who agreed that guys suck on the phone, but also seemed to understand why, if you say you are going to call, you HAVE to call. He is amazing to me. He has his own issues and baggage, and he is not a perfect human being, but I think certain past experiences, including a failed marriage, have led him to an understanding unusual to modern society: it is important to treat others as you would like to be treated.
On the flip side of the coin, where the winters are long and you need something to keep you warm, my frozen tundra romance blazes merrily along. I discussed the phone thing with my s.o., who agreed that guys suck on the phone, but also seemed to understand why, if you say you are going to call, you HAVE to call. He is amazing to me. He has his own issues and baggage, and he is not a perfect human being, but I think certain past experiences, including a failed marriage, have led him to an understanding unusual to modern society: it is important to treat others as you would like to be treated.
07 January 2004
well, no surprise here, we're saying goodbye to yet another boy. goodbye greg. i cant deal with his issues and he cant have a girlfriend type in his life. i cant be with someone i have feelings for and know they cant feel anything back. i cant be with someone who cant give anything back. greg is just incapable of that because hes facing prison time and is going crazy trying to deal with the prospect and the fact that his life as he knew it is gone forever. at least he flat out told me he couldnt have a girlfriend, at least he didnt play around. gotta give him props for that. i just cant be that whenever girl, not for him, not for anybody. i deserve more than that dammit. shit, i couldnt even be a friend to him if i could because he just refuses it, he just cant have anybody in his life its like impossible for him to deal with. i hate being a person who walks away especially from someone who so desperately needs someone, but frankly i dont owe greg anything and frankly he doesnt want me around or need me around so why bother? im just a hindrance and a bother for him and his fucked up life. its a shame he cant see more than that, cant see that having someone to fall back on helps. oh well. ill be rooting for you greg, i really do hope things work out for you.
and dammit if im not crying like a fiend anyways. shit, i knew it was gonna be a failure when i first started. i knew better but i still had hope it would be different. god, hope is such a horrible thing for me to have because it pulls me into things thinking just maybe things will be different. they never are. thats the thing, they never ever are. i shouldnt cry, i was always alone even with greg. im always alone and being sick only underscored that fact. i laid in bed crying because i knew i was alone and i knew i didnt have anybody to help me. do you have any idea how that feels?!...to know youre backed into a corner and theres nobody but you, to desperately need someone and knowing that someone isnt there...?! and then to have that underscored by the scott issue and his abandonment has only proven that fact...i am alone. i have always been alone and probably always will be and i just need to accept that fact. im tired of giving myself to people who dont deserve it, im tired of always crying in the end. im just really tired of life and i dont know what to do anymore. its just always the same grind, day after day after day. im just really feeling backed into a corner right now and i dont know what to do. i really wanted things to be different with greg. i really liked him and i liked him way more than i wanted to ever admit. shit, its like having an abortion every time this happens. its like something in you starts to grow a little bit and you start to think maybe theres something to this and then it all gets sucked out and youre left there alone, no hopes, no dreams, no more potential, just loneliness and death. i really just dont wanna hurt like this anymore. im just tired of hurting so much.
goodbye greg...
and dammit if im not crying like a fiend anyways. shit, i knew it was gonna be a failure when i first started. i knew better but i still had hope it would be different. god, hope is such a horrible thing for me to have because it pulls me into things thinking just maybe things will be different. they never are. thats the thing, they never ever are. i shouldnt cry, i was always alone even with greg. im always alone and being sick only underscored that fact. i laid in bed crying because i knew i was alone and i knew i didnt have anybody to help me. do you have any idea how that feels?!...to know youre backed into a corner and theres nobody but you, to desperately need someone and knowing that someone isnt there...?! and then to have that underscored by the scott issue and his abandonment has only proven that fact...i am alone. i have always been alone and probably always will be and i just need to accept that fact. im tired of giving myself to people who dont deserve it, im tired of always crying in the end. im just really tired of life and i dont know what to do anymore. its just always the same grind, day after day after day. im just really feeling backed into a corner right now and i dont know what to do. i really wanted things to be different with greg. i really liked him and i liked him way more than i wanted to ever admit. shit, its like having an abortion every time this happens. its like something in you starts to grow a little bit and you start to think maybe theres something to this and then it all gets sucked out and youre left there alone, no hopes, no dreams, no more potential, just loneliness and death. i really just dont wanna hurt like this anymore. im just tired of hurting so much.
goodbye greg...
06 January 2004
ok, so im feeling much better today. i finally found my missing card holder thingy...it was in my bed, mustve fallen out when i was taking off my uniform the other day. i had a fairly decent session with jeff although my endurance sucks hard. hopefully things will be better on friday when i have another session. i successfully delivered his xmas gift as well. i hope i didnt miscalculate on his gift. what does a person get their personal trainer anyways? well, i was inspired to get him one of those desktop thingies i got kt. theres this website where they make fake sarcastic replicas of those motivational posters and shit but instead theyre fucking hilarious. i figured jeff could put it on his desk at work considering his glowing cow got ganked by someone. yes, he had a glowing cow...hes from wisconsin for fucks sake! anyways, it said something like, "motivation: if you get highly motivated solely by pretty pictures and cute sayings then you probably have a job that will soon be done by robots..." see, i figured the whole motivation thing fit in with the personal training and all and he seems like he has a smart assy sense of humor so hopefully he will find it funny as shit. jeff of course said it was wholly unneccesary of me to get him a gift but he thanked me anyways. shit, i like him, hes cool, its not like i bought him a benz or anything. but like i said, i hope he finds it really funny, cause if he doesnt i will be so embarassed! i also regaled for jeff the saga with my ex friend scott. jeff of course was appalled as everyone has been when theyve heard what happened. i bet if i had called jeff and asked him to get me juice he would have. shit, everyone else i know even vague friends have told me they wouldve gotten me juice. like i said, egomaniacal. anyone who thinks dolly parton is evil because she doesnt want kids is fucking insane!
well, i have to say that working out has given me more energy. isnt it funny how that happens?! i have so far managed to do my dishes and put all the trash in garbage bags and have some stuff washing in the washing machine. i also picked up the kitty vomit and sprayed carpet cleaner on it. now all i need to do is more laundry and clean my bathroom and scrub the kitty vomit stains and vacuum. i still dont know if greg is coming over tomorrow but i need to clean anyways. its been bugging the shit out of me for weeks but ive just been too lazy. its like the mess is a sign that i dont have total control over my life. i hate that feeling. i also talked to jeff about greg and the not calling back thing. he assures me its a guy thing. i will however bring it up with greg and attempt to discuss it some and at least let him know it bugs me. guys are so oblivious sometimes unless of course you have a man like kt's who is probably perfect and fabulous about the phone. must be a function of age! lol! even at 32, greg is still a few mental age years below me, but thats guys for ya! plus, frankly, hes got a lot on his mind so i think he can get away with slightly more than the average guy. mental illness is always a pass! lol! hey, ive so been there, i totally understand the issues.
ah, also, i just checked my mail for the first time in weeks and my kitties, the illustrious ness and capone, just received their kwanzaa gifts from kt. the kitties are chewing the shit out of the rabbity fur mice and are slightly wary of the catnip hedgehog. all in all a kitty success. ive been meaning to go to the petsmart and get little gulliver...i mean sullivan...some furry mice and shit. i think i might also get gregs doggie, tax, i love that name its so funny, a doggie bone. tax doesnt have any doggy toys so it might be nice to get him some. since hes not sniffing out drugs and shit anymore, we hope!, he must get bored. retirements a bitch! lol!
im also thinking of making greg a mix cd. yes, i know, slightly high school, but its fun to do. i figured i would have some funny songs, sorta ironic, on there like "back on the chain gang" or perhaps "criminal." yes, i am warped. hey, a little levity never hurt nobody! plus shit ive got a thousand frickin blank cds thatre burnng a hole through my desk! lol! kt might also be getting another shipment of cds soon as well! ah, piracy rocks! lol!
well, i have to say that working out has given me more energy. isnt it funny how that happens?! i have so far managed to do my dishes and put all the trash in garbage bags and have some stuff washing in the washing machine. i also picked up the kitty vomit and sprayed carpet cleaner on it. now all i need to do is more laundry and clean my bathroom and scrub the kitty vomit stains and vacuum. i still dont know if greg is coming over tomorrow but i need to clean anyways. its been bugging the shit out of me for weeks but ive just been too lazy. its like the mess is a sign that i dont have total control over my life. i hate that feeling. i also talked to jeff about greg and the not calling back thing. he assures me its a guy thing. i will however bring it up with greg and attempt to discuss it some and at least let him know it bugs me. guys are so oblivious sometimes unless of course you have a man like kt's who is probably perfect and fabulous about the phone. must be a function of age! lol! even at 32, greg is still a few mental age years below me, but thats guys for ya! plus, frankly, hes got a lot on his mind so i think he can get away with slightly more than the average guy. mental illness is always a pass! lol! hey, ive so been there, i totally understand the issues.
ah, also, i just checked my mail for the first time in weeks and my kitties, the illustrious ness and capone, just received their kwanzaa gifts from kt. the kitties are chewing the shit out of the rabbity fur mice and are slightly wary of the catnip hedgehog. all in all a kitty success. ive been meaning to go to the petsmart and get little gulliver...i mean sullivan...some furry mice and shit. i think i might also get gregs doggie, tax, i love that name its so funny, a doggie bone. tax doesnt have any doggy toys so it might be nice to get him some. since hes not sniffing out drugs and shit anymore, we hope!, he must get bored. retirements a bitch! lol!
im also thinking of making greg a mix cd. yes, i know, slightly high school, but its fun to do. i figured i would have some funny songs, sorta ironic, on there like "back on the chain gang" or perhaps "criminal." yes, i am warped. hey, a little levity never hurt nobody! plus shit ive got a thousand frickin blank cds thatre burnng a hole through my desk! lol! kt might also be getting another shipment of cds soon as well! ah, piracy rocks! lol!
ok, i am sooo pissed it aint even funny. first of all, i have misplaced a metal card holder of mine that has my police cards and some other police stuff in it i fucking need and i cant find it. god damn it. i dont know where it is. i had it yesterday and now its gone out of the pocket of my utility uniform. fuck me!
and, AND i fucking spoke to scotty today who acted like everything was hunky dory. i finally told him i was still angry about him being an asshole and telling me he couldnt get me juice and cookies while i was stuck in bed with a 105 fever. he told me that my "main priority" should be worrying about his father who is still sick with pneumonia. excuse me?! my priority should be his fucking dad? i dont think so. first of all, youll never prove i gave anything to anybody and second of all his dad has compromised his own fucking lungs by being a chain smoking fiend and thereby making himself vulnerable to pneumonia and staying sick longer. scott just didnt get it. he was angry that i was angry at him. he kept talking like i had gone over to his house on some al quaeda mission to infect his precious fucking family. i didnt know i was sick. i had a headache and was tired, both of which sometimes happen after a long day. if i had been sick i sure as fuck wouldnt have driven my ass out to the boondocks where scott lives just to spend an evening with his clan. if i was sick i would have been in bed at home. scott even told me that i should befriend my neighbors just for this reason, so that i can go to them next time to get juice and food. i told him, scott i didnt think i needed to befriend my neighbors, i thought i had friends who would help me out when i needed it. every single person who has heard this story has been on my side. he is just being an asshole. an ego-maniacal fucking bastard. he will go out of his way to feed some fucking alley cats but when his friend is literally starving and bedridden with a 105 fever he tells her to fuck herself or better yet to order dominoes pizza. well, fuck him. i dont need a "friend" who says such things to me and leaves me out in the cold. his excuse is that he was sick, although he only said he started feeling like he was going to be sick. thats different than actually being sick. if he was actually fully blown sick thats one thing, but he was merely starting to feel like he MIGHT get sick. that is a different story! if the tables were turned i would have gone to the store and helped him out. he said, well it was midnight, i wasnt gonna go to the store and then to your house. ok, so our friendship ends at midnight then. fuck you. if kt called me at fucking 3am and told me she needed me i would drive down to the airport and buy a fucking ticket that second. thats friendship, being there for friends when things are at their worst, regardless of convenience. obviously me and scott werent really friends at all. and all of these things came out of the mouth of a man who allegedy has romantic feelings for me. i can so understand why hes divorced. selfish bastard. that conversation so pissed me off its not even funny. i hate him even more now than i did before. what a true asshole. thank god i never fell for him or else hed just be another of my many asshole romances.
speaking of, whats the deal with people not calling me back?! can someone explain that to me please? so, if i dont get a hold of you directly and i instead leave a message then i dont deserve a callback? are these the new phone rules? i didnt get the memo on this change of policy regarding phone etiquette. why cant people get the message and then phone back once they get it? sure, kt not calling me back quickly after i leave a message is one thing because weve been friends so long it isnt a big deal anymore, but with new people i thought the direct callback was how it worked. ugh, im just so frustrated right now it aint even funny. naturally i will call greg back tomorrow after 7pm when i know he'll be home, or should be!, and hopefully be able to plan my wednesday afternoon. i guess i didnt get the memo about how pre-planning is so gauche for 2004. my interoffice life mail system is seriously fucked up obviously cause i aint getting the rules updates. instead i just keep getting emails about my penis size and about some chick having her box eaten out by a stranger. how come that never happens to me?! im just so fucked already and its barely 2004. just the status quo i see...!
and, AND i fucking spoke to scotty today who acted like everything was hunky dory. i finally told him i was still angry about him being an asshole and telling me he couldnt get me juice and cookies while i was stuck in bed with a 105 fever. he told me that my "main priority" should be worrying about his father who is still sick with pneumonia. excuse me?! my priority should be his fucking dad? i dont think so. first of all, youll never prove i gave anything to anybody and second of all his dad has compromised his own fucking lungs by being a chain smoking fiend and thereby making himself vulnerable to pneumonia and staying sick longer. scott just didnt get it. he was angry that i was angry at him. he kept talking like i had gone over to his house on some al quaeda mission to infect his precious fucking family. i didnt know i was sick. i had a headache and was tired, both of which sometimes happen after a long day. if i had been sick i sure as fuck wouldnt have driven my ass out to the boondocks where scott lives just to spend an evening with his clan. if i was sick i would have been in bed at home. scott even told me that i should befriend my neighbors just for this reason, so that i can go to them next time to get juice and food. i told him, scott i didnt think i needed to befriend my neighbors, i thought i had friends who would help me out when i needed it. every single person who has heard this story has been on my side. he is just being an asshole. an ego-maniacal fucking bastard. he will go out of his way to feed some fucking alley cats but when his friend is literally starving and bedridden with a 105 fever he tells her to fuck herself or better yet to order dominoes pizza. well, fuck him. i dont need a "friend" who says such things to me and leaves me out in the cold. his excuse is that he was sick, although he only said he started feeling like he was going to be sick. thats different than actually being sick. if he was actually fully blown sick thats one thing, but he was merely starting to feel like he MIGHT get sick. that is a different story! if the tables were turned i would have gone to the store and helped him out. he said, well it was midnight, i wasnt gonna go to the store and then to your house. ok, so our friendship ends at midnight then. fuck you. if kt called me at fucking 3am and told me she needed me i would drive down to the airport and buy a fucking ticket that second. thats friendship, being there for friends when things are at their worst, regardless of convenience. obviously me and scott werent really friends at all. and all of these things came out of the mouth of a man who allegedy has romantic feelings for me. i can so understand why hes divorced. selfish bastard. that conversation so pissed me off its not even funny. i hate him even more now than i did before. what a true asshole. thank god i never fell for him or else hed just be another of my many asshole romances.
speaking of, whats the deal with people not calling me back?! can someone explain that to me please? so, if i dont get a hold of you directly and i instead leave a message then i dont deserve a callback? are these the new phone rules? i didnt get the memo on this change of policy regarding phone etiquette. why cant people get the message and then phone back once they get it? sure, kt not calling me back quickly after i leave a message is one thing because weve been friends so long it isnt a big deal anymore, but with new people i thought the direct callback was how it worked. ugh, im just so frustrated right now it aint even funny. naturally i will call greg back tomorrow after 7pm when i know he'll be home, or should be!, and hopefully be able to plan my wednesday afternoon. i guess i didnt get the memo about how pre-planning is so gauche for 2004. my interoffice life mail system is seriously fucked up obviously cause i aint getting the rules updates. instead i just keep getting emails about my penis size and about some chick having her box eaten out by a stranger. how come that never happens to me?! im just so fucked already and its barely 2004. just the status quo i see...!
04 January 2004
Norah Jones, without a doubt, is the sexiest album on the planet. Without cowtowing to the mainstream media, by following her own heart and natural inclinations, she has done amazingly well. Long, languid tango-like dances (by people who know the language of the dance), warm liquid kisses, lingering glances, the soft caress of a hand along the neck. Fuck yeah!
I've had a long and fantastic phone conversation with g. I'm so googly, head-over-heels, weak-kneed, and sappy. I can have my romantic moments, believe it or not. After spending the week (or most of it) here for Christmas, he bought me two roses which he left, with a note, on my dining room table (he left after I went to work for the day). I still have the flowers, although they are drooping a little. Susan will tell you that I hate roses, which is mostly, but not entirely, true. I hate the cliche of the dozen red roses. I don't love hot-house roses, but partly because my mom grows rose bushes in her garden and always has -- hot-house roses aren't the right shape or smell. But I got two -- one an unusual violet color, and one red. And he acknowledged that roses were cliche in the note, but said that he thought they were pretty. Points for that. They make me smile every time I look across the room to them.
I've had a long and fantastic phone conversation with g. I'm so googly, head-over-heels, weak-kneed, and sappy. I can have my romantic moments, believe it or not. After spending the week (or most of it) here for Christmas, he bought me two roses which he left, with a note, on my dining room table (he left after I went to work for the day). I still have the flowers, although they are drooping a little. Susan will tell you that I hate roses, which is mostly, but not entirely, true. I hate the cliche of the dozen red roses. I don't love hot-house roses, but partly because my mom grows rose bushes in her garden and always has -- hot-house roses aren't the right shape or smell. But I got two -- one an unusual violet color, and one red. And he acknowledged that roses were cliche in the note, but said that he thought they were pretty. Points for that. They make me smile every time I look across the room to them.
ok, so ive been really really sick lately. i think im on the mend so far but we shall see. if only i could get rid of my tuburcular cough! i dont think i spelled that right, but i dont care. so, new years was ok. i spent it with greg and had a fairly good time. at least i got a new years kiss, although it wasnt all movie-like or anything. new years was very low key, but i guess thats ok, especially since i was sick. so, yeah, that was that. other than that, ive been in bed and ive also been to the er. still bruised from the iv they stuck in me. me and needles are no good! so im slowly getting back into the saddle. we shall see how long it takes for me to fully get back to normal. i have an appointment with jeff my metrosexual trainer on tuesday. i wonder if he'll notice how much weight ive lost. my uniform is baggy now, more than it was before. im sure ill gain it all back once i get back to eating like normal. then again, was eating ever normal for me? if you ask jeff he would say no. i also have a couple of part-time jobs in the next few days. i need the dough but of course would rather lay about or sleep! once i finally get my credit cards paid off all my extra money will go to a new set of wheels. but alas that is still many many months away. ugh, you cant ever win. so anyways, i was hoping to go out with greg on wednesday. i was thinking he could come over here and we could do lunch and a movie. it would be a nice change of pace and getting out will be good. ugh, i wish i could stop being so paranoid and calm down and enjoy his company. but anyways...we shall see if he is available or willing for wednesday. anyways, i have a part-time job later tonight and i need to set the vcr up. i think sex and the city is starting up again. wow, good tv again! so, i shall away until later. ugh!
