My head is imploding.

Now, seriously, I know that sounds funny, but it isn't. I've had this cold for about a week, and this is the first day it's been in my head. Mostly, it's been in my throat. I've been awake for an hour or so in the middle of each night coughing like a TB patient -- I haven't slept much this week. Zombie me. Blech. It's going to be like a supernova or black hole or something Monty Python did.

Ugh.

I knit.

I think I've mentioned before that last October, I took a knitting class at the community college with a friend. Since then, I've made 5 dishcloths, 7 scarves, and 2 hats. The hats suck. I'm not remarkably good at this new hobby, but I like it. It teaches patience. Even using chunky yarn (often with titles like "Thick and Quick!"), it takes a while for things to form. Instant gratification is not part of the process.

In a way, knitting is kind of like driving. It takes some focus, so a certain percentage of your brain is engaged with your task. But for the most part, it's free time upstairs, an open house for random thoughts. While I can listen to music or watch TV while I knit, I can also choose to sit quietly and let the thoughts roam. It's meditative. Since I don't forsee myself sitting on a mat chanting "Om" any time soon, working meditation into my life is a positive and soothing step in my quest for inner peace. Chopping vegetables is the same thing.

I have a zen cookbook somewhere, but I can't remember the name of it right now. I've never made a recipe from the book, but I loved reading it. The author talks about cooking as an all-consuming task: when you are washing the rice, wash the rice. In other words, try to focus on the task at hand: the feeling of the rice, the running water, textures, smells, sounds. Be IN the moment, not looking ahead. Focus, be mindful.

Hmm. It's interesting, but I'm so not there yet. I don't know that I ever will be, but it seems worth striving for. My issues with religions and afterlives stem from the fact that I don't CARE if there is an afterlife. I'm not living for that. I'm living THIS life right now. Shouldn't I learn how to do it right? Should I learn how to deal with the things that come up, without delaying my joy in life for some nebulous, unknown "future?" Shouldn't I learn how to treat people with respect and care? Shouldn't I learn to treat myself that way? I guess I could do it all just to "get into heaven," but really, how do I know that "heaven" is all that much better than what I have here? If there is an all-powerful supreme being that did create all that exists, and if existence is good (because it comes from the supreme power), then should I not enjoy this existence? If I throw away or ignore the gifts of life in this plane, am I not rejecting what the supreme power gives me? If you believe in sin, wouldn't that be it?

Yeah, but what's up with Lost? JJ Abrams is losing his strong female-character thing. I mean, he was supposed to kill off Jack and let Kate be the main character. Instead, Jack's become the central figure. Claire's been killed or at least disappeared. The crazy lady who thinks her husband's still alive has always been a minor player. Too bad, but Shannon's still around. Creepy incest story line. I don't know. I still like the show, but I guess I'm tired of seeing female characters marginalized.

I had another thought, but it's escaped me. It's Saturday afternoon. I've got little for ya, today.

i have to say that i completely agree with you about the alias thing. i was actually thinking that exact same thing when i was watching the most recent episode. honestly, im beginning to wonder if perhaps alias is getting old. are they running out of ideas? why drudge bullshit up like that again, we've been there 12 times already. i was hoping for something fresh this year and so far im not excited. and why make up this whole secret section thing just for an excuse to switch things up and bring back sloan? i hate it when people make storylines go someplace to fix some dumb problem instead of letting the story take it where it should go. its too forced. frankly, alias is no longer required watching for me. ill watch it and tape it but i wont get pissed if i miss it. now lost on the other hand, thats required watching...

Okay, so it was nearly -40 today (that does include windchill) and I have no desire to EVER go back outside.

I'm happy to report that, three hours into the new season of Alias, things are going okay. There's been another major shift/reorganization, so the real plot line is a little slow, taking a backseat to some better action sequence plots. Not a problem for me. But here's my thought on Jack Bristow: the man is a misogynistic idiot. Point one: he works with women who regularly kick ass and get themselves into and out of scrapes. Such includes: (ex)wife. daughter. other operatives. In fact, he trained his daughter at a very young age. So he understands, on some level, that the women he works with are smart and capable. And yet, how many story lines have we had where 1. Jack does something either dumb or questionable. 2. He tries to hide it, usually from Sydney. 3. She suspects him. 4. She finds out the truth. Invariably, more than half of these story lines involve her hating his guts for a while -- either before she finds out what really happened or after. He ALWAYS gets caught. Duh.

Okay. I just spent all day working on an article, and then spent two hours setting up my new online class sections. Bah. My brain is mostly dead. I think it's TV time, ladies and gentlemen.

Um, you went from grooming quality to equipment quality. Two very different things, really. I shan't address the latter. On the former, however, I would say that you probably have two schools of thought -- the au natural, do nothing school, and the care in grooming school. Being of the latter and knowing that you are, your standards are probably fine. More attention might be paid because of the near certainty of oral sex -- you're probably talking greater than 90% versus about 35% for a date with a man.

As for DATING a woman, the logistics would be much the same, I'd assume, even if the vibe is different. You still don't want to rush into anything too quickly. I don't think having a one-night stand makes any more sense in this context than in a heterosexual scheme of things -- but it all depends on the context and your comfort level and your choices. Think about the sex all you want, but this is still another person whose feelings get wrapped up in the situation, not just a hot woman with lickable curves. Also, the safe sex issue is even more intrusive. Personally, I'd rather wait to get into sex than have to use the types of protection available. Hey, want me to send the chica those pictures? Hee hee.

It's still monkey-butt cold here. But on the girly plus side, I think I've finally found the magic combination of hair styling products that keeps the static away.

And hey, MP, we do NOT need your help to get into the gutter. You know that. But we welcome the company.

yes mark, i did realize the possible humor in that comment as i wrote it. never one for subtlety am i?

but speaking of pussies, ive been thinking...about lesbian sex. yep, a topic thats fun for the whole family! i was just now thinking in the tub (where i do my best thinking oddly enough) about lesbian one night stands. im not saying im planning on having one, but i realized that my beliefs about one night stands in general dont follow through when it comes to lesbian sexual relations. i was thinking about [insert your word for sex here]-ing a woman and what it would be like and all and then i thought about the whole when do you take the nestea plunge? and thinking about this i realized that the thought of a potential lesbian one night stand or a situation where sex is sooner rather than later didnt seem so nefarious as those situations would be to me with a man. thinking of more casual type sex with a man seems shameful and dirty and disrespectful to me as a woman yet thinking of lesbian casual type sex didnt have the same vibe to it. is it perhaps that i just havent had a lesbian fling yet and thus havent experienced that post casual sex shame? or is it that i see women as being less of a threat or less crude and disrespectful or something? i mean, i have this idea that lesbian sex is much more often closer to a tender experience than perhaps sex with a man might be. im totally not explaining this right from my head to the blog. what i mean is it seems like that emotional connection or just general emotionality would be there more often than with a casual fling with a man. i mean, thats what it seems, but perhaps i have some romanticized view of lesbian sex. perhaps lesbians are just as crude and manipulative and sex driven as some men are? i mean, im sure there are lesbians out there who manipulate or play or whatever just to get laid. however i find it hard to believe thats as prevalent and i think its due to the way women generally have sex and think of sex. perhaps im painting with too large a brush again. but can you see kinda what im saying here? im curious to see yalls reactions and thoughts about this topic.

also, i was wondering if there are stricter vaginal grooming rules with lesbians? i mean, do lesbians have a higher vaginal expectation than men? wow, do i have vagina deficiency worries?! lol! an interesting question though i think. i mean, if youre more familiar with something you have a heightened sense of quality and deficiency with regards to that thing dont you? therefore wouldnt a woman perhaps have a higher expectation from another woman's vagina considering a woman is much more of a vaginal expert than a man? i mean, some men cant even find the clit let alone be expected to have the ability/knowledge to expound upon vaginal quality. or am i just thinking too much again? hmm, the ways in which my mind works...

Wow. I tell you one thing, Susan, you won't have to listen to any preaching from me on *that* subject, cuz I know absolutely nothing about it. I hope you get what you want from the experience(s), and I mean that sincerely. Anyway, I'm mostly here because I have just to say that...

now, ive never been in a relationship with a woman and ive never dated women,
but i have always been curious about trying it. ive basically just been a pussy
about it i guess.

...is possibly the funniest thing I've seen in years. I know that's a joke in terrible taste, but I can't help it.

Man... maybe you guys were better off without me ;)

My well-meaning friends from grad school gave me a few gifts when I left Oregon for the cold ND tundra: mittens, a hat, a flask, and a cute little Coleman keychain thermometer. The latter goes to zero. It hasn't worked in over a week. So do you know how you can truly judge cold? How long does it take for the moisture inside your nose to freeze and form little ice crystals on your nose hairs?

yep, ive already moved beyond it all...into something kinda new for me. anyone who has known me for a while as probably known about my sometimes interest in women. its a weird thing to talk about because its hard to explain. ive never had issues with being attracted to women. i mean, most non-gay women dont generally find themselves attracted to other women, right? well, i do find myself attracted to some women (usually the tomboy type- though not the bull dyke type, big diff), however i am also attracted to men. now, whether that makes me "bi" or some other label i do not know. i hate labeling my self "bi." one reason is because i think so many people, well, mostly women, who label themselves that way do it for some sort of sexual excitement/shock value reason or something. its like a novelty label for them. and two, because there are many people who dont believe that anyone can really be "bi," they have to like one sex or the other thus they think you are one of those people who say youre "bi" for novelties sake. now, ive never been in a relationship with a woman and ive never dated women, but i have always been curious about trying it. ive basically just been a pussy about it i guess. ive never been brave enough to approach a woman or to seek one out in what, to me, is an intimidating lesbian scene/community. thus, the true extent of my feelings about or intentions with women are kinda unknown at this point. i know that i am attracted to certain women, would like to attempt a romantic type relationship with some of them, and think that kissing a woman and touching her in all her womanness would be incredibly exciting and just plain hot. so, the extent of my "bi-ness" or dykiness or heteroness is kinda unknown i guess when it comes down to actual experiences and action.

well anyways, all blathering confusedly aside, i decided the other night to browse the lesbian yahoo personals. ive done it before and even messaged a few women before but none of them had ever messaged me back...until now! yep, i got a message back from a woman named heidi who is actually interested in me! needless to say i was quite psyched about it. she said i was really cute and she wanted me to write her back about myself. wow, could i actually be attractive to women?! who knew? so i wrote back and she sent me her phone number to call her. im excited and nervous too. i mean, this is my first forray into lesbian dating! this is totally unchartered territory here. i am certainly going to call her. should be interesting to see how it goes. and yes, for those of you who may be curious, i did explain briefly in my messages to these women that this is my first lesbian dating experience. i have no intentions of being secretive about the whole deal. these women have a right to know what the deal is completely.

so with all that being said, what do yall think? im curious to see the reactions and how this is deconstructed. i am legitimately excited and hopeful about this whole thing. im finally exploring something ive always been interested in, finally. im not letting fear keep me from exploring myself and my interests. i would like to think this is a good thing. so?

Like I said before... cloning--where do I sign up? how quickly can I get a couple? Oh, and don't forget to program them to let me know if my... services... are needed with regard to the girlie(s) before they take matters into their own hands (gotta love the phrasing). Just remember what I said about being able to do more for people when I'm single.

It never ceases to amaze me how quickly things can change. Anyway, I am not here to bore you folks with the details of my life OR my new love life, for that matter. She's nice, she's easy to be with, and I'm happy. We'll leave it at that for now. Apparenly, Jenn is still lurking about, and she might as well post here and take my place... her personal blog is still up, and mine is now history. Anyway, I have just now promoted myself to "Blog Voice From Above", as I doubt I will be a regular daily contributor from here on out.

To Susan: Men are dogs/pigs/assholes/. And women, generally, are bitches. Having said that really changes nothing. I had typed a whole bunch of nonsense in way of advice for you, but really everyone has already told you all that you need to know. You'll get the answers to your questions eventually if you think about it... that is, WITHOUT letting your emotions get in the way. The first step towards understanding men is to detach. Best of luck.

To Kate: What if your motivation is actually to question your own motivation on a fairly regular basis? Just a thought. Anyway, good luck having the man in town. Also, I have a job that I love, and I barely break a mental sweat, so I can't help you with that one.

Oddly enough, I am looking forward to 2005. 2004 was a great year for me, the perfect counter to a lousy 2003. I'm not nearly as freaked out about turning 30 as I was about turning 20. I feel the transformation from a Luke Skywalker to an Obi-Wan Kenobi (I can only wish I was a Han Solo type). It is my hope that I will consider myself less, and others more, as I move into the next phase of life like my father before me, like his father before him.

The Force shall be with you... always.

We aren't all we present ourselves to be. Ever. And if your words and actions don't match, well, which speaks louder?

It's totally freaking cold here. I finally gave in this morning and drove to work -- it was -20. Plus, I am going to go and see two houses after work. One of them is small, cute, well-located, and in an area I like, PLUS I can afford it. I wonder what's wrong with it.

Why is it, at work, that even when you have a job you love, you spend lots of your time putting out other people's fires, finishing other people's work, covering other people's asses, and placating people who expect you to do their work? I want to do projects I pick out!

wow. all i have to say is asshole. remember chris, the norcross police officer i had gone out with a few times. well, he just continues to amaze me with the depths of his shittiness. well he kept giving me bullshit stuff like he needed to think about some stuff in his life and yada yada yada and so he was gonna go off and do that and get back to me on it. of course my interest was long gone shortly after he said that. such nonsense. well anyways, being back at work, i messaged him finally and asked him if he was gonna tell me the deal. i was curious to see if hed ever actually be straight with me. he said he just wasnt into me as much as i was into him. well duh, i had that figured out long ago. he also said that he told me that, which as a matter of fact he did not. holding my hand and calling me all the time and going out with me on dates and stuff doesnt really say "i just wanna be friends." plus, when i asked him oh say 1000 times whether he just wanted to be friends and he said, "no thats not it, i just need to figure some things out" that sorta led me to believe he wasnt interested in just being friends. of course he refuses to admit he wasnt straight up with me. what a fucking piece of work. well, whatever, no biggie...i knew something was up so it wasnt a surprise at all.

so tonight i found out he got back with his 19 year old teenage lover which i knew he would get back with. im like fucking kreskin here. anyways, i digress. so i asked him about it and reminded him he said he was over her and would never get back with her because she sucked. well of course he back peddles like a maniac. then of course he just starts sending me messages out of the blue. he started saying he had never liked me at all and he was never attracted to me ever and just really rude and mean things. fine, you werent into me, thats fine, many people arent, but you did in fact lead me to believe otherwise. turns out he told one of the guys he works with and who just happens to be my friend that he was not into me and he could never bare to fuck me, etc etc etc. this of course was quite sometime before the disappearance. so he knew the whole time he was blowing smoke that he wasnt interested yet he still tried to play like he was. what a fucker. why bother doing that if someone gives you out after out to take? i so dont get men. and i dont get why hed now just start messaging me and being blatantly rude and cruel. and he thought he was being funny too because he would message my buddy to see what my reactions were. who thinks its funny to tell someone that oh by the way i never liked you you stupid ugly bitch?! seriously, what the fuck?!

and no im not upset about him and having not had a relationship with him, at all, believe me. im pissed off and frustrated because i just dont understand male assholes. and i dont get how people try and turn stuff around onto the people they were fucking over. what gall! why bother? whats the fun or enjoyment you get from doing shit like that? the answer is hes got such a low self esteem and fragile ego that he has to try and fuck people over to feel empowered and in control. as a cop and as a person he reeks of fear. i see it and the guys he works with see it thats why they stay away from him during shift. i should pity him, but right now im just pissed off and amazed at the level of bullshittiness in a single human being who claimed to be so honest and forthright. what the fuck ever. he has no clue what honesty is and probably never will.

although the blame rests partially on me here because i sensed something was up the entire time. i just stuck around to see if hed ever grow some balls and admit what i knew to be true. it became a game, though it wasnt very much fun. it ended the way i should have known it would, not with me being satisfied, but with me being amazed and disappointed at such childish behavior. plus, its not like hes even admitted anything really anyways. hes even pussied out of that by trying to foist things onto me. fuckers just continue to amaze. well, hes with the right person now, a dishonest child who dumped him for greener pastures and who will probably dump him again when someone better comes around. what goes around...

Thanks and praise be! I am not just shouting into the void! The long, dry monologue has ended! The violin in the void is now joined by a cello. Or would you rather be a viola?

I don't think you can trademark Progress. It's been done.

I think that, yes, it is likely that psych boy is more cautious because he has a kid. I don't think it's the child -- it's that there was a long-term relationship that produced offspring and yet, didn't work out. The traditional nuclear family structure, despite all evidence to the contrary, is still deemed "stable." People who fail at creating that stability the first (or second, or third) time, should be a little more cautious. We all have our past-relationship baggage. But people who are now divorced committed to eternity and then backed out. Many of them harbor guilt over that. So caution is a really good sign, IMO. It hopefully means that he's done some time figuring out what went wrong last time -- so he doesn't repeat his mistakes. Maybe it also means that he's done some figuring on what he wants out of a relationship -- and why bother jumping into something that will not be what he wants? We cannot have perfect relationships. But at least we should fuck each new one up in a different way, right? Who wants to make the same mistakes again and again?

Love and glory from the frozen tundra of the North.

Oh, and to the commenters, thanks for reading. We (the Royal We) know that Mark's off on his own journey of new discovery. The milk carton's haven't helped Daniel's case, unfortunately. As for Ragining Lunatic, dude, I don't know what to tell you. Um, I'm confused by your comment, but thanks for tuning in. And good luck, I think.

hey, im still here. i do check the blog daily to see if new posts have been written, ive just been more private than usual lately...not sure why. im learning that i dont have to tell people everything all the time.

yep, new year, new angst...though im sure its all the same angst just wrapped up in different packages. yeah, i understand about that whole AA serenity prayer thing. i dont always do it well but i try. ive gotten much better about stopping the incessant worrying before it eats me up inside. for instance, the whole fbi debacle. yep, im not competitive enough according to them to be in the top hiring pool. yes, i pretty much freaked out after i heard about that, but that was only for one day. i realized that i could do something i didnt want to do and that made no sense for me to do to become more competitive or i could wait and pursue other goals which in the end would also make me more competitive. im gonna do what i want not what people think i should do. in the end if i dont become an fbi agent my world isnt going to end. there are other cool things i can pursue and accomplish. i think being an adult means taking the disappointments with a modicum of grace and understanding that with every disappointment theres a bunch of opportunities. basically, ive decided to make lemonade.

plus theres always san francisco! i still have my eye on...shoot, whats san fran's city nickname? the gay city? the sourdough city? hmmm..... anyways, the whole world is open to me, its just a matter of me deciding what path i wanna travel and making the appropriate plans to get there. ah, serenity, it aint just an adult diaper!

but on more typical susan news, i just got back from one of my first second dates in quite some time. it went ok i suppose. whenever me and eric, psych boy, talk we have great conversations. one thing i have learned and should have known better than to suggest was playing pool. we went to a neuvo mexican place (his idea) and then went to play pool. people rarely talk when playing pool. and neither one of us was good enough at the game to make it interesting. it pretty much was just a parade of failed shots! so, the activity itself sucked, but eric was cool. among other things, we discussed the star trek vs star wars issue and whether fantasy and sci fi should be lumped together in the bookstore. he thinks i exaggerate the whole star trek/star wars battle...im not so sure about that, but i digress. im curious about him very much. and i realized that he looks kinda like d.b. sweeney, back in his "The Cutting Edge" days...i love that movie! and d.b. sweeney is hot! eric is cute. he has curly hair and fabulous blue eyes (those always get me) and he has great shoes. i need to ask him where he gets them. but i do have to say that this whole Adult Dating (tm) thing is very confusing to me. im stuck in the whole college dating scene which involves quickly moving to physicalities such as fondling and kissing. in Adult Dating you apparently hold off on that stuff. its very confusing. my paradigm is shifting. im making the assumption (bad move im sure) that hes slower to hop into the fondling pool because hes got a kid. that may be a shitty assumption (as most are). he did extend the Hug Time (tm) this time. it was longer and more snuggly though not really snuggly snuggly. i know, its good to take it slow, im not bitching about that, im actually glad hes not hopping on top of me. change is good, its just something one has to get used to. but funny enough, im actually scared out of my mind about getting physical. and im not talking about sex. thats something i will never jump into quickly ever again. i mean the whole casual touching, holding hands, first kiss thing. i just dont want to be inappropriate. how funny that me, miss inappropriate, is worrying about being inappropriate! i just dont know the Adult Dating faux paus yet. plus he seems like hes being cautious which makes me nervous and cautious. whatever. im just gonna roll with the punches. ugh! isnt the wait supposed to make it all that much better anyways? i would really like to kiss him though...

and at the Goodbye Moment (tm) we were talking about my police car and gear and stuff and he said that "next time" hed have to come up and play in the patrol car. hey, i got a Next Time Reference (tm)! plus he said, "I had a really really good time." could it be that ill be going on a third date?! wow, that in and of itself is a triumph. that and i havent fucked him or havent dealt with his boy drama or havent gotten seriously mixed signals or anything that bullshitty. wow, is this whats called Progress (tm)?! wow, this actually feels "normal" and healthy for a change. huh, who knew?!

so, i shall keep our adoring audience updated...

And so the monologue continues....

Welcome to 2005, world. Things are constantly shifting, which is good when you realize that a lack of change means stagnation. Change is like life -- the ultimate outcome isn't about the change or event itself. It's about how you deal with the shifting techtonic plates in your life. You can follow the Tao of Chaos in life, nature's tendency towards chaos. Or you can fight it, live life like a salmon fighting the current every step of the way. Or swish of the way, whatever. I don't really do fish metaphor well.

So, New Year's resolutions: adopt the serenity prayer as a way of life and butt out of things that aren't my business. Finally create a budget that involves saving, retirement, and fun for me. In the vein of budgeting, plan grocery store trips better to waste less -- money and food. Drink more water and eat more vegetables. Incorporate more exercise into my life -- maybe even follow my advice to my mom 5 years ago and try some yoga. Live exquisitely.

May you become master of your own destiny this year. I could wish nothing more nor anything less for myself.