well it looks like perhaps even kt has abandoned the blog. its weird, i havent even talked to her on the phone in what seems like a month. things are just weird right now, so much in flux it seems. and of course the ennui is ever looming.

well, i really needed a place to ramble tonight seeing as how im probably the only one of my friends who is awake at 5am. sometimes you just need to exorcise things, just get them out so you can go to sleep without rolling them through your head all night, or day as it is in my case. gotta love working nights.

well, funny as it is, seems that a prior love interest has reappeared in my life...mike. yep, mikey blue eyes, melty warm tummy mikey. the last time he appeared here i think was after many of the mixed messages, long phone discussions, perceived slights, etc. bout a year has passed since the hottest of the mikey lust occurred and we were both kinda in a weird state about things. when i moved to morning watch at work and he eventually moved back to the motors squad we pretty much didnt see each other. i did run into him at hq while i was injured and alas, then, i lamented how he still made me gooey with that voice and those eyes.

ive always been annoyed by the power he had to do that to me...or if youre kt, how i always let him do that to me, or even how i did that to myself. ive talked to a buddy at work, bryan, about it many times. he told me he had had a girl like that, the girl who always had sway over him just by the fact she was, well, her. he told me that you just sometimes meet those people who have a special place in your heart for whatever reason and you just cant exorcise them. so i just got annoyed at myself whenever i saw mikey and got gooey and in a few days it was forgotten. but tonight, he called.

long story short, he quit the dept recently. he called to chat about things and also because he knew id be up at midnight...lol. also, turns out that bryan mentioned to mikey recently that i was angry at him for what happened at his going away party. as mikey was leaving to go home he hugged everyone on his way out but when he got to me he did a goofy kinda ew shes a girl thing, smiled, and left...no hug. i felt really shitty when that happened because i thought that could be the last time i ever saw him and he was at the very least my friend and ex-partner. so i pretty much had told bryan that was it, i had washed my hands of mikey and it was good he had left. well, i guess mikey was bothered that i was pissed. so anyways, mikey called.

we chatted for a while and he talked about his insomnia and such. and then, somehow, i agreed to get out of my jammmies (i was already ready for bed), take a bath, get gussied up, and go out...at like 1am! so i did my girl stuff and he came over to my apt. i never in my life thought id ever see mikey in my apt. instead of going out and roaming the streets of gwinnett at the crack of dawn we stayed in and watched tv. at the beginning we pretty much talked and didnt watch tv. then somewhere along the way he got me to massage his shoulders. then of course once that card had been played we ended up watching tv while snuggling. snuggling...is very nice. its just that basic closeness to another person that is so satisfying. and i have to say that i was pretty much not expecting any of it...none of it...though like the goofy girl i am i made sure to brush my teeth...just in case...lol! we all do that, dont deny it.

and then of course snuggling turned into heavy snuggling and then he asked me what he could do for me. i dont know if id ever been asked that. that was kinda nice, the thoughtfulness. and i really struggled to answer the question. what do you say to that? he was already doing a nice job of snuggling and massaging my shoulders, what else could he do for me?! so i tried to play it off but he asked again. he really wanted to know what he could do to please me. so i turned around to face him and told him he could eventually kiss me...and he did...and it was sweet. his natural kissing style is just like mine...the slow and tender (tm). and of course there was more kissing and touching, but nothing other than innocent touching. that was nice, just innocent touching, no grabbing dicks and rubbing clits, just rubbing an arm or a leg. and we talked throughout and it was nice. and i made certain to make clear that even though we both wanted to that neither one of us was good with diving into things quickly. wow, i actually had an adult moment where i didnt just do whatever...i realized what was best for the situation. huh, who knew id changed.

and really, i have...no seriously, i have and it kinda freaks me out. im not sure what did it, maybe the accident, but im different somehow. part of me worries that i have somehow closed myself off too much. whenever id thought about the prospect of kissing mike it had been magical...but that of course is hollywood thinking. and i didnt have that hollywood thing of oh thank god its finally happening my heart is gonna explode like the luke and lorelai thing of finally, its about time. it was just nice. and i dont have that gooey romancy heart shaped eyeballs thing with the tweety birds flying around the head syndrome. i mean, i had lusted after mike for a while before and now i was making out with him and it wasnt a big deal, it was just nice. does that mean something is wrong with me or have i just grown up some? im slightly disconcerted but mostly ok with it. after all, there is no need to rush headlong into some fake lust nonsense crap that will peter out in a couple of months after we've fucked our brains out a bunch and i will have not gotten to know who he really is. im actually ok. im ok with not feeling all angsty about mike and not needing to see him again right away and talk to him on the phone and oh god is this gonna work out and all those other thoughts that had come into my head with previous love interests. huh, im ok.

it was nice to talk to him. i hadnt for quite a while and id forgotten the chemistry we have. he kinda plays the straight man to my goofy over-thinking chick. and some of the things he said were nice. at one point our previous issues came up and he told me he could never have done this (snuggling, etc) when we were working side by side. yeah, i can see that. and he was honestly surprised by me. we'd spent hours talking and goofing off and being mike and susan and then i turned the show off, my show, and just was. he was surprised to see that gooey inner nougat. he said he was surprised by it since i was always that chick that could make him blush by talking about masturbation. lol! he was surprised but happily so. he also admitted to being happily surprised by my ability to really turn him on. i of course jokingly reminded him that id told him so. well i had...lol. so i guess it was a night full of suprises huh? we both had a really good time talking and we both really liked how the other felt while snuggling. lol, i find it funny that he was surprised by that, that he liked how it felt holding me. well, why shouldnt it, im practically that fabric softener bear for fucks sake...lmao!

but anyways, it was surprising and nice. and im ok...